Ask the adoptee(s)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
41

Honestly, adoption is a second choice option for most parents (certainly not all). The thing people who don’t adopt don’t get is that by the time you do adopt, its a second choice, but it isn’t second best.

(That’s the reason you go through all that ‘grieving through infertility’ counseling. To be a successful adoptive parent you need to get to ‘I wouldn’t have wished it to work out differently.’)

The question of not letting anyone know is odd to me - my kid is Korean. His parents are very white. Complete strangers can figure out he isn’t my bio kid. HOWEVER, his adoption details, the little we know about his birthmother, that’s his information to share. At the same time, even though its obvious he is adopted, it almost never comes up in casual conversation. The people who ask ask for a reason - they are interested in adoption because they are adoptive parents, potential adoptive parents, adoptees or birthparents. I can’t imagine conversations (in real life as opposed to the internet) that go “my son, who is adopted.”

42

Guess the following is good advice for any parent, but it certainly applies here specifically.

Don’t put your children into a box full of expectations. While my parents were probably influenced by the time in which they lived, they nevertheless expected me to follow in Dad’s footsteps (“Oh will you be a doctor like Daddy?” “Umm no…”). In certain ways your kids are likely to act like aliens to you, moreso than a biological child might, and do and say things which you might find a bit odd; you have to accept that and go with the flow. I was weighed down by my father’s expectations for most of my life (he is deceased now for 7 years) until I found my own path; I certainly exasperated him at times.

43

I suspect this is much less common now. For one thing, no one cares if the kid is Irish or Swedish - a white baby is not going to need anyone to lie about his background.

I’ve HAVE heard of this happening alot with Eastern European adoptions - not on the part of the U.S. agency, but the Russian (Ukrainian, etc.) side. Mostly downplaying potential alcohol use, but also playing up birthparents education.

44

[Durned edit timer]

My Mom was definitely embarrassed by her inability to have a child (a miscarriage did the damage). When I was a teen, one day I made some dumb jokes about all that and really hurt her, tho she laughed it off at the time. We all now joke that “Bubba”, if he had lived. would have been a veritable terror, drinking and whoring himself to death (exact opposite of me, tho that characterization is kind of similar to my best friend actually).

45

Personally, I mention it when it becomes relevant to something we’re discussing. In fact, I have an example from just yesterday. I was chatting with a work acquaintance, and happened to mention that I have a particular reaction to a particular type of medication. She expressed surprise, because it wasn’t a side effect she’d heard of before. I said that it is more common than you might think, and as an example of that, my sister has the same reaction, and we are not even biologically related to each other. It’s usually this kind of casual discussion that sparks me to mention it.

At this point, I probably wouldn’t be able to tell you exactly which of my friends know and which don’t. My friends from childhood all do, but as far as newer friends, I wouldn’t be sure.

As far as telling my husband, I don’t remember for sure, but I probably mentioned it in one of these types of casual conversations relatively early in the relationship, or before things were serious, so by the time we were, it was already out there.

One thing I find interesting is that once they know, people always seem to want to hear more about it…especially about whether or not I want to find my bio parents. Always the first question!

46

I don’t really remember how I told my SO. While it was still bothering me at the time, I didn’t feel any stress over telling it to him.

Now I tell friends when they have time, or ask about it, and I tell it as an interesting story. Because from the outside, it is. Woman has a boyfriend for four years, manages not to get knocked up until the fourth year (not much opportunity to knock boots in India in those days if you weren’t married), girl is born, father kicks her out, girl is passed from family member to family member until age 4 when she is brought to American and naturalized and adopted. Come on, that’s an exciting and interesting story (if you didn’t have to live it to get it!) :slight_smile:

47

Thanks to you both for your responses. 'Cause I am coming from the Dangerosa side - it is pretty obvious that my kids are adopted.

And my son has taken to introducing us to his friends, “These are my parents. Yes, they’re white.” And he no longer finds it amusing when we respond, "We are? "

Regards,
Shodan

48

Your son sounds like a funny guy!

49

From the half adoptee…

**Is there a specific instance when your parents told you that you were adopted, or did you just always know? **

My brother and I always knew. I feel if we had been younger they would have probably hidden it. I was only three but my brother was six. I do have a faint memory of a person asking me if I liked my new daddy and I answered yes. I assume that was at the adoption proceeding.

My father was always well my father. When I was younger and our last name changed there were kids that said he was my step-father but I answered that he was my father since we had his last name. My parents never straight out told people that we were adopted by him and we also got the “he/she looks just like you” comments. It was not common knowledge that he was not my bio-dad but I have to say that most of my friends knew.

I did not know that my brother and I had different fathers until I was thirteen. My brother who was sixteen at the time wanted to meet his biological father. I of course wanted to meet him as well. Not so much out of curiosity but I just felt I should, it is hard to explain. It was then that my mother told me that when she separated from her first husband and going through a divorce she had an affair with a married man. She knew I was his child but listed her current husband as the father. So the man that “signed me away”, as my mother put it, was not my father.

My mother said at the time it just seemed like the thing to do. The man she had the affair with was not going to leave his wife and he had five children at the time.

**Have you ever made contact with your birth parent(s), or tried to? **

Yes. When I was about twenty one I started thinking about meeting him. It was by pure coincidence that my mother happen to be talking about me want to meet my biological father with a friend of hers. Her friend said she went to school and was good friends with a man by the exact same name and she was still friends with his wife.

It was discovered she had went to school with my half brother. She contacted his wife who in turn contacted her father in law, my bio-father. We met at her house and spoke for several hours. It was very awkward but it went okay.

We met several other times. He came to my house and I met him a couple times for a beer. I even met my half brother once. We got to know each other a little bit. The problems came in when my bio-dad was reunited with my mother. They had an affair, again. I was upset about that. I didn’t not even realize at the time how much it upset me. Not only was she unfaithful to my father but she got in the middle of what should have been my time, my search for myself.

I don’t think my father knew anything about the affair but the entire thing upset my father very much. He was hurt and angry at me for seeking out my biological father. He never really said it to me but he did to my mother and she relayed it to me. I could also tell how he acted around me. Here he had raised someone else’s kid for all those years, he felt that I was his daughter and I turned my back on him. I never thought of it that way and I still don’t but having children of my own that are now nineteen and almost seventeen I can see how he must have felt.

After the second affair my bio-father grew distant. I think his family was putting a lot of pressure on him. His family, mostly the wife and his daughters, were very against a relationship with me. One of them even called me at one point and was yelling at me and calling my mother a liar and I should ask her about all the secrets. I did but my mother said there was none. She knew for fact I was his daughter and that was all there was to it. I can understand their feelings. Nobody wants a twenty year old skeleton walking into their lives.

I did not talk to my bio-father for several months until he called and we met one day and he said he was leaving to move to Florida. He said he and his wife were moving down there to help his in-laws. He also was having problems with his youngest daughter, there was another child after me, and he wanted to give her a fresh start. He gave me his number and I had later looked up his address. I have not spoken to him since that day. I did not want to cause him more problems with his wife or his children. That was over fifteen years ago.

I don’t speak to my adoptive father either. (I don’t call him that and I never really thought of him that way but for the sake of confusion.) My mother and him divorced and he is remarried and I hope he is truly happy. I tried to visit him several times but it always felt like he was not really interested. I think after he re-married he felt he had a new life and needed to leave his old life behind. I used to send him a Christmas card every year and I got one back but I stopped those too about seven years ago. He has never sent on to me on his own. They were only sent in a return gesture. He does not even know that I live only two miles from him. I wish I could have a relationship with him but to many things have happened and to much time has gone by.

To be quite honest I think the only reason my dad adopted my brother and myself was to avoid the step-parent stigma. It is not much of an issue today as it was 40 years ago. My father was a “keep up the Jones’s’” kind of person and you can’t do that raising two kids from your gasp wife’s first marriage. My parents did want to have a child together but my mother developed cervical cancer that required a hysterectomy. My mother told me once she was glad she did not have a child with my dad because she was sure the “my kid/not my kid” would have come into play.

Even after all that has happened I never regret meeting my bio-father. I found out a lot about myself. Some good, some not so good but at least I know where I got some of my personality and traits from. I could see myself in my mother but half of the puzzle was missing.
That was a lot longer than I intended it to be.

50

I hope it’s ok if I jump in as well?

I’m an adoptee as well (adopted at 10 days old) and so is my sister (different families).

**Is there a specific instance when your parents told you that you were adopted, or did you just always know? **

We always knew we were adopted - we didn’t think it strange or unusual. Our parents told us a story about going into hospital with a whole room full of babies, and them picking us out. As a child it made me feel special and wanted, even though now I know that wasn’t what happened.

**Have you ever made contact with your birth parent(s), or tried to? **

As we grew older, and had families we started to become curious about our birth families and also a bit concerned about health problems which may be genetic. My mum has been really supportive of both of us in our search.

My sister was the first to contact her birth family. Her bio-parents were married with a daughter - she was the second. For some reason (we still don’t really know why) she was adopted out shortly after birth. She gets along well with her father and sister, but her mother is, we suspect, mentally ill (her bio-parents are divorced). I have met her sister, and we email each other sometimes - she’s a really nice person.

I have not yet contacted my bio-family, as my bio-mother was killed in a car crash at the age of 23 (when I was 3 years old). I have an uncle, aunt and 4 first cousins that I have found thanks to the internet, and I am still plucking up courage to contact them. It’s a sticky situation, as all the indications are that it was kept very hush-hush and my uncle may not know that my mother was even pregnant. I’d rather not bring the whole tragedy up in their lives again if possible, but I think it will be inevitable under the circumstances.

51

There’s a couple of levels to that whole thing that makes it priceless.

First of all, the son introducing his parents as “yes, they’re white.”
Secondly, the parents responding “We are?”
And thirdly the son’s rolleyes at his parents thinking they’re funny (which I think they are, sons don’t always).

Excellent!

52

That’s hilarious.

Though really, unless your non-Korean last name is an ambiguous one like “Lee” or “King”, I don’t see how his friends didn’t already figure it out. I mean, if his last name is “McReynolds” or “Kowalski” or “Dusseldorfenbergergesselschaftmannhaupt”, I think it was already obvious.

53

People ask and say distressingly obvious things. “My, you’re really tall!”

54

Plus the lastname could be O’Malley and come with a korean mom whose birth lastname was definitely not O’Malley…

55

True…if I met a Korean friend’s parents, and one of them was white, that wouldn’t seem odd. If I met a Korean friend’s parents and BOTH of them were white, that might be a little more surprising!

56

I read an article a few years ago about a woman who had gotten pregnant and decided to give the baby up for adoption. She was ostracized at work for being soulless. She had to go to several doctors before she found one who treated her like a person. The entire way, she felt like she was making the absolute right decision and was being treated like a pariah for doing so. She delivered a healthy baby and it was adopted.

She said after what she experienced, she’d probably have an abortion if she had it to do over. That sounds callous, but the reality is, we tend to ooh and ahh over folks that have adopted, but for a pregnant girl, having to face all of that, yeah, abortion seems easier.

Wouldn’t it be so much easier if when a woman got pregnant, she really could give the child up without being some sort of heartless demon?

I have absolutely no problem with adoption and given my genetics, it would be virtually guaranteed that any kid would be better than one from my cess pool. Unfortunately, it is long, painful and way outside of my economic abilities. Fortunately, after years of wondering if we were infertile, I ended up getting pregnant, but frankly, I could not have afforded to adopt. Still can’t. I’m not talkin’ about milky white babies either. I wanted to be a mom. I don’t care what color/nationality my kid is.

The hardest decision to make after going through a pregnancy has to be giving up that child. To be vilified for it is tragic.

57

Another adoptee here.

**Is there a specific instance when your parents told you that you were adopted, or did you just always know? **
I was told at a young age. It was never a big deal, just one of those things. No one ever tried to keep it a secret from anyone.

**Anyone else in your family adopted? **
Nope. After struggling to have a child for many years, my parents adopted me. Almost as if the pressure was off, they then were able to have a child naturally. I’ve known a lot of families where something similar happened.

**Have you ever made contact with your birth parent(s), or tried to? **
Yes. I never had any desire to find my birth parents while I was growing up. Only after I was an adult and was married did I decide to search, and then it was only a curiosity thing. I also figured that at that point, any reasons for putting me up for adoption wouldn’t matter, and there was no danger of any weird custody battle or anything like that.

My birth mom unfortunately died before I could find her. I later found out that she was (slightly illegally) keeping track of me by sneaking into where the state records were kept, but when my family moved out of state she lost track of me. I have a good relationship with my “birth family” which consists of many aunts, uncles, and cousins.

No one presently living is really certain who my birth father is.

**Can I ask if you are the same race as your parents? **
Yes. In fact, I look so much like my adopted father that some people have a hard time believing that I was adopted.

I’ve known adoptees who didn’t look at all like their adopted parents, and it was an issue for them.

**For everyone- Did you ever go through a stage where you felt you were an outsider in your adoptive family? **
Nope.

One general question for the adoptees: Are you familiar with the anti-adoption lobby, and if so what is your view of their position?
Never heard of them. When I read the explanation later in the thread, I thought it was one of the silliest things I had ever heard. The identity issues we go through are too damaging for any good to come out of it? Oh please, give me an f-ing break. I’ve never had any identity issues. Since this isn’t the pit, I’ll just say I disagree with them and leave it at that.

For those who had mixed sibling(s), say both of adopted and biological, how did you work out issues? I’ve heard of fights like “You’re NOT really their kid!” and “Our folks love you best because they feel sorry for you!!” or myriad more that you I’m sure you get the picture. Secondly, if this sort of thing did come up, how did your parents handle it? And did you ever think any sorts of these negative type things held any truth?

I have a vague recollection of someone trying the “you’re not their REAL kid” when I was little, but I don’t remember it bothering me. There were never any fights like this at all between my sister and myself. It was only outsiders to our family that ever tried these kinds of insults. When the insults didn’t work, they moved on to other insults. It was neve really an issue for me.

**what advice would you give an adoptive parent? **
Don’t ever hide anything. Be up front and honest from day one and there won’t be any big issues. Make it clear that even though you adopted them, that you consider them to be your “real” child. Then, it won’t matter if anyone else insults them or whatever. They’ll know the truth, and the insults won’t matter.

I personally am against open adoptions. I think that they cause too many problems. Don’t let your child have any contact with their birth parents until they are an adult. As soon as they turn 18, help them in any way you can if they want to find their birth parents and make contact with them. (I know a lot of people are going to disagree with this)

Some adoptive parents have told me that you shouldn’t share with people outside the family the fact that the child is adopted. Their reasoning is that this information is the child’s information, and if she wants to share it that is up to her; but you shouldn’t make the decision for her. Do you agree or disagree with this?
Disagree. If you treat it as a secret, then it’s something bad. Keep it out in the open at all times and never make a big deal out of it.

58

By the way, the alt.adoption FAQ is a good resource for both adopters and adoptees.
http://faqs.org/faqs/genealogy/adoption/part1/

59

Guess I may as well chime in as well, I think it’s interesting to see the varying experiences here, shows that ‘adoption’ doesn’t mean a certain outcome, it comes in all shades…

**Is there a specific instance when your parents told you that you were adopted, or did you just always know? **
I always knew, and I’m grateful to my parents for doing that. I’ve heard many a horror story about children accidentally discovering their adoption when the parents were trying to keep it a secret.

One thing my parents did which I think was quite cool was keep some notes that had about my birth parents, information about their ages, races, stuff like that. My mum told me about it when I was about 14 and asked me if I would like to see it. I said yes, she gave it to me and I went into my room and read it. It felt weird to see this information written down.

The other cool thing is that in my childhood photobook, there’s my birth notice stuck on the inside cover, which includes the poem:
Don’t forget for one single minute
You didn’t grow under my heart, but in it
Not flesh of my flesh, or bone of my bone
But miracously, my very own.

I may have misremembered some of those words. :slight_smile:

**Anyone else in your family adopted? **
No, I have two older brothers who were concieved by my parents.

**Have you ever made contact with your birth parent(s), or tried to? **
No. I had a pretty rocky time as a teenager and had a fair amount of angst about it - however on reflection it was more that I wasn’t getting on with my parents, and thought I’d have this magical relationship with my birth parents should I ever meet them. I soon worked out that logic was pretty flawed.

**Can I ask if you are the same race as your parents? **
I am the same race, but very physically different. My parents are tall and slim, as are my brothers. I’m short and fat.

**For everyone- Did you ever go through a stage where you felt you were an outsider in your adoptive family? **
Yes, and to many degrees I still do. The physical differences which have probably been the hardest to deal with, being the one fat kid in a thin family. I know my mother was quite ashamed of me as a child, it’s only as I’ve become an adult that she’s come to terms with it.
The intellectual differences aren’t so difficult. I’m a lot more intelligent than other members of my family, I’ve consequently gone through higher education than anyone else, and my interests tend to be more cerebral than theirs.
But can I say that I feel like an outsider because I am adopted? I don’t know.

One general question for the adoptees: Are you familiar with the anti-adoption lobby, and if so what is your view of their position?
Wasn’t at all familiar with them. I think there is potential for emotional harm to the child when adoption is not dealt with effectively. But those risks can be mitigated by telling the child about the adoption from a very early age, making it seem natural rather than something to keep secret and be ashamed of, and being open with the child throughout their life, bringing it up from time to time and asking them if they have any questions or thoughts/feelings they want to share. To their benefit, my parents did a great job of this.

For those who had mixed sibling(s), say both of adopted and biological, how did you work out issues? I’ve heard of fights like “You’re NOT really their kid!” and “Our folks love you best because they feel sorry for you!!” or myriad more that you I’m sure you get the picture. Secondly, if this sort of thing did come up, how did your parents handle it? And did you ever think any sorts of these negative type things held any truth?
Never experienced this.

**What advice would you give an adoptive parent? **
Fantastic advice has already been given here. i’d just add to continually check in with the child as they grow, be prepared to listen to their thoughts and feelings. I’d like to hear from an adoptive parent about this - I suspect sometimes parents don’t raise the topic because they are frightened to hear that their child might want to find its birth parents. True? False?

Some adoptive parents have told me that you shouldn’t share with people outside the family the fact that the child is adopted. Their reasoning is that this information is the child’s information, and if she wants to share it that is up to her; but you shouldn’t make the decision for her. Do you agree or disagree with this?
As with many others, I disagree. Keeping something secret infers it’s either bad or weird. Whilst there’s no need to go around telling everyone at the supermarket that your child is adopted, there’s no reason why it shouldn’t be known by friends and their parents, should the occassion arise.

**Can I ask the adoptees how you told other people that you are adopted? Friends, spousal units, etc.? **
Only if just comes up in conversation I guess. It’s not something I openly tell people but I don’t keep it secret either, if that makes sense! When I was a kid/teenager, it would most often come about because people would remark how different I look to my mother (me - short, fat, dark haired, mum - tall, thin, blond). At which point I’d generally say ‘we’re not biologically related’ and leave it at that. Sometimes people asked more, sometimes not.
I’ll leave with a question of my own. I don’t plan on having children, and without any biological basis, I feel that I’m infertile. I have heard this occurs more frequently in adopted children, has anyone else a similar experience?

60

engineer_comp_geek, you expressed almost exactly the same feelings I have about this, but better than I did! I agree that the best thing to do is just keep it in the open, and stress that it’s not a big deal. Hiding it makes it seem like it’s something to be ashamed of.

I think one thing I’d like people to take away from this thread is that, at least for me, being adopted is not a big deal. It just is part of me, like having brown hair. It’s not something I’ve ever dwelled on, and I never really thought about what the alternatives might have been (like what if my parents kept me, or what if someone else adopted me). It’s not something I think about unless there’s a reason to, like when someone comments that I don’t look much like my siblings, for example. (Once when my sister & I met someone new, the person said, “you guys are sisters?” I forget we are so different…my sister’s short and blonde, I’m tall(ish) and brunette!)

Even my mom forgets sometimes. Funny story…we were looking at old pictures recently, and there was one of mom holding baby Sarahfeena on her lap…I was about 4 months old or so. Mom says to me “wow, I look pretty good for just having had a baby!” I was like, “OK…”. A minute later she laughed & said “I can’t believe I just said that!”

Of course, mom’s a little nutty. :wink: