Ask the adoptee(s)

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
21

[QUOTE=OtakuLoki]
The quick version I recall of thier arguments range from claiming that the sort of identidy issues you went through are too damaging to allow adoption to be viewed as any kind of net good.

Here’s a link to a website, but I’m not sure how representative this group is of the anti-adoption lobby as a whole. Certainly the line from the FAQ talking about “In other words, children are given one, true set of parents by nature, and these parents cannot be replaced or “switched at birth” based on a man-made legal document.” bothers me in the implication that there is a fate or destiny that Humanity is Not Meant To Tamper. I’m not trying to deny the issues that they mention - there are things screwed up with how adoptions have been handled, That one line, in particular from the website I linked really bothers me.

The movement was discussed in the Pit a few years ago, let me see if I call pull up that thread. Here it is.
[/QUOTE]

Ok, here’s what I feel about adoption. Even after my particular case, I think it’s one of the most selfless, beautiful things a loving couple can do. Mine was a very special case, and done to save face more than adopt a child.

I firmly believe in adoption and if I were ever to have a child I would only adopt, never birth one myself. I personally think that all couples that have a certain income range should at least consider adopting one child instead of bringing another into this world. There are so many needy children in this world. This seems to be a very unpopular viewpoint, however, so I don’t say it out loud much.

I believe gay couples should be allowed to adopt. I think adoption should be toted more as a viable alternative. I mean, we’re told that giving up a baby is OK, but when it comes to having kids, I think it still seems like a failure somehow that we adopt and don’t have them from our loins.

I believe 110% in open adoptions when it comes to the children. Don’t lie to the kids, don’t hide it. I understand sometimes the birth parents aren’t fit to know anything but that doesn’t mean the kid should be penalized for it. Secrets often translate to dirty secrets.

So you can see in almost every shape and form I’m completely against that idiotic lobby.

22

Any one care to hear from a half an adoptee? My mother was my biological mother but my father adopted me.

23

Thanks, Sarahfeena and Anaamika. Your reasoning matches mine, but I have to admit that I had wondered if seeing adoption from the inside would lead to a different view than mine.

FTR, my cousins are both adopted. They’ve known it all their lives, I believe. (I know the elder one was present at the final adoption ceremony and told the judge something about how eager she was to get him home as her real brother.) However, as Omega Glory’s experience - the way the two responded to that knowledge was very different: my older cousin has a lot of interest in her birth mother and wanting to know why she was abandoned, my younger cousin doesn’t seem to care.

AFAIK, they’d never been treated any differently by anyone in the extended family for being adopted - I know my immediate family never cared about it, and my grandparents loved them. But I don’t know for certain how the other side of the family dealt with it. (I don’t have any reason to believe that they did - I just can’t say that I’m sure of it.)

24

Has anyone here been adopted at an age older than infancy, old enough to remember life before they were adopted? Is anyone here a different race than their parents? If so, what kinds of issues did you face as a result?

I’m asking because when we decide to have children, we’re going to adopt. We’ve considered international adoption as well as adopting older children, and I am interested in any experiences in this vein.

25

[QUOTE=OtakuLoki]
FTR, my cousins are both adopted. They’ve known it all their lives, I believe. (I know the elder one was present at the final adoption ceremony and told the judge something about how eager she was to get him home as her real brother.)
[/quote]

My son was at his little sister’s adoption hearing,

Adoption Judge: “Do you want a little sister?”

Shodan Jr.: “No.”

AJ: “Well, you’ve got one now.”

They have made it up over the last sixteen years. Mostly.

Neither of my kids ever showed much interest, at least to date. We suggested a family vacation to South Korea once, to look up whatever we could find out.

Both little Shodan-ettes said they would rather go to Disney World instead. So did I, so we did.

No offense, I hope, but I don’t agree with the second part, so I guess I don’t agree with the first either.

Adopting children doesn’t seem any more (or less) selfless than giving birth. We wanted kids, so we had them. We sure lucked out, as I mentioned before, :smiley: but the fact that they are adopted doesn’t make it any more wonderful. It’s pretty much a roll of the dice either way.

I admire those who adopt special needs kids, certainly. But if all adopted children were like mine, people would commiserate with those who couldn’t get thru the adoption process, and had to settle for birth children instead. :wink:

Regards,
Shodan

26

Awesome thread and I also appreciate those answering questions. Thanks Sarahfeena, Anaamika (and my heart sorely goes out to you for the pain this caused), John DiFool and all the others who’ve had close or similar experiences, thus offering another perspective. SomeUserName, I can’t speak for anyone else, but I’d definitely be interested. Truly excellent overall!

Now to my question (and I hope it doesn’t come across as crass):

For those who had mixed sibling(s), say both of adopted and biological, how did you work out issues? I’ve heard of fights like “You’re NOT really their kid!” and “Our folks love you best because they feel sorry for you!!” or myriad more that you I’m sure you get the picture. Secondly, if this sort of thing did come up, how did your parents handle it? And did you ever think any sorts of these negative type things held any truth? Any residual?

Again, thank you all and I look forward to each of your responses.

27

[QUOTE=Shodan]
My son was at his little sister’s adoption hearing,

Adoption Judge: “Do you want a little sister?”

Shodan Jr.: “No.”

AJ: “Well, you’ve got one now.”

They have made it up over the last sixteen years. Mostly.
Neither of my kids ever showed much interest, at least to date. We suggested a family vacation to South Korea once, to look up whatever we could find out.

Both little Shodan-ettes said they would rather go to Disney World instead. So did I, so we did.

No offense, I hope, but I don’t agree with the second part, so I guess I don’t agree with the first either.

Adopting children doesn’t seem any more (or less) selfless than giving birth. We wanted kids, so we had them. We sure lucked out, as I mentioned before, :smiley: but the fact that they are adopted doesn’t make it any more wonderful. It’s pretty much a roll of the dice either way.

I admire those who adopt special needs kids, certainly. But if all adopted children were like mine, people would commiserate with those who couldn’t get thru the adoption process, and had to settle for birth children instead. :wink:

Regards,
Shodan
[/QUOTE]
Thanks for writing this. I don’t think my parents would ever have considered themselves selfless or that they were being heroes or anything like that. They just wanted kids, and were glad to get them (even though one of them was me! :wink: ) My mom jokes that she’s done it both ways, and picking up a fully-formed baby from the Sisters at St. Joe’s is a heckuva lot easier than growing one yourself and pushing it out!

28

[QUOTE=faithfool]
For those who had mixed sibling(s), say both of adopted and biological, how did you work out issues? I’ve heard of fights like “You’re NOT really their kid!” and “Our folks love you best because they feel sorry for you!!” or myriad more that you I’m sure you get the picture. Secondly, if this sort of thing did come up, how did your parents handle it? And did you ever think any sorts of these negative type things held any truth? Any residual?
[/QUOTE]
My sister tried to pull this one on me, once…that our parents didn’t really love me, blah blah. She was pretty young at the time, and I’m 5 years older, so it pretty much rolled off my back…she was always a little bratty. I remind her about it from time to time to make her feel guilty.

Seriously, I think it’s easier when there is more than one adopted child, and this is probably also true when it comes to the question regarding feeling like an outsider…it’s easier to feel “normal” about being adopted when there is another person to relate to on that level. It’s harder to have a “poor me” attitude and blame being adopted for things that go wrong in your life.

29

I’m very glad to see this thread. My wife and I adopted our daughter when she was 7 days old. Our daughter is now 3. She is Arab, but light-skinned, and I am fairly dark, and people always say we look alike; so people just assume she is the biological child of my wife and me.

I have a question for all of the adopted Dopers in this thread: given what you have experienced, what advice would you give an adoptive parent? What are you glad your adoptive parents did? What do you wish they had done differently? My daughter will thank you for your input!

BTW–Abby is our only child; we don’t have any plans to adopt another or have a biological child.

30

[QUOTE=Sophistry and Illusion]
I’m very glad to see this thread. My wife and I adopted our daughter when she was 7 days old. Our daughter is now 3. She is Arab, but light-skinned, and I am fairly dark, and people always say we look alike; so people just assume she is the biological child of my wife and me.

I have a question for all of the adopted Dopers in this thread: given what you have experienced, what advice would you give an adoptive parent? What are you glad your adoptive parents did? What do you wish they had done differently? My daughter will thank you for your input!

BTW–Abby is our only child; we don’t have any plans to adopt another or have a biological child.
[/QUOTE]

All I’ve got is make sure she knows you love her, and don’t make the whole thing taboo.

Shodan, Sarahfeena, fair enuff. Just my opinion.

faithfool, thank you. No siblings here so I can’t answer your other question.

31

[QUOTE=Sophistry and Illusion]
I have a question for all of the adopted Dopers in this thread: given what you have experienced, what advice would you give an adoptive parent? What are you glad your adoptive parents did? What do you wish they had done differently? My daughter will thank you for your input!
[/QUOTE]
This is, of course, based on my own experience, and may not be right for everyone, but I always thought my parents handled it pretty well. Basically, we always knew we were adopted. It was talked about when it was relevant to a discussion, in a frank and open manner. But it wasn’t made a huge deal of, either. We didn’t have “adoption day” parties in addition to our birthday parties (as I have heard that some people do), we weren’t made to feel that adoption was anything other than just a normal way that families are sometimes constructed. I think this has a lot to do with my attitude about it now that it is just a part of life, and not something to feel weird about.

32

Some adoptive parents have told me that you shouldn’t share with people outside the family the fact that the child is adopted. Their reasoning is that this information is the child’s information, and if she wants to share it that is up to her; but you shouldn’t make the decision for her. Do you agree or disagree with this?

33

[QUOTE=Sarahfeena]
My sister tried to pull this one on me, once…that our parents didn’t really love me, blah blah. She was pretty young at the time, and I’m 5 years older, so it pretty much rolled off my back…she was always a little bratty. I remind her about it from time to time to make her feel guilty.

Seriously, I think it’s easier when there is more than one adopted child, and this is probably also true when it comes to the question regarding feeling like an outsider…it’s easier to feel “normal” about being adopted when there is another person to relate to on that level. It’s harder to have a “poor me” attitude and blame being adopted for things that go wrong in your life.
[/QUOTE]

I heard a story from a mixed family once (I have a mixed set myself). The bio child threw the adoption in the face of the adopted child - “you aren’t REALLY Mom’s kid” or whatever. The adopted child responded, without blinking 'they picked me, they got stuck with you."

And it is hard for outsiders to get, but adoptive parents don’t generally WANT to be seen as selfless. We wanted kids. We got kids. OUR kids. What is selfless about that - other than the selflessness of any parent? There are a few adoptive parents who wanted to make the world a better place for a child - most of us just wanted a child.

My bio kid is the one who goes through life discontent. My son is the one who adapts and rolls. If their personalities were switched, we’d blame it on adoption. This has led me to believe that a lot of what adoptive parents and adoptees see as adoption issues are really just base personality issues.

34

[QUOTE=Anaamika]
Shodan, Sarahfeena, fair enuff. Just my opinion.
[/QUOTE]
Of course, and I think it’s great that you are still so positive towards adoption in general, despite your situation having been so poorly handled by everyone involved. From what I’ve seen of the anti-adoption movement, a lot of people have let bad personal experiences color what they think about adoption, and I’m glad you haven’t!

I DEFINITELY think that you are right that adoption is seen as a “second-best” option, and that is a shame. I have bio-kids, so I know that even when you are totally open to the idea of adoption, there’s still a drive to give birth to your “own” kids. It’s hard to shake. Plus, these days, despite my mom’s joke about adoption being easier, it really seems a whole lot less complicated to just have bio-kids and not worry about the dynamics of open adoption and how difficult it can be to get a child these days and navigating the waters of international adoptions and worrying about health or psychological problems and a whole lot of other issues that my parents didn’t have to think about 40 years ago. I completely agree with you that adoption is generally a “lost” option when dealing with a crisis pregnancy. It’s not supported by society like it should be, and that makes me sad and a little angry.

35

[QUOTE=Dangerosa]
And it is hard for outsiders to get, but adoptive parents don’t generally WANT to be seen as selfless. We wanted kids. We got kids. OUR kids. What is selfless about that - other than the selflessness of any parent? There are a few adoptive parents who wanted to make the world a better place for a child - most of us just wanted a child.
[/QUOTE]

I’m down with this–our motive for adopting a child was that we wanted a child, not that we wanted to do our good deed for the year. Someone on the Dope (I can’t remember who) once summed it up perfectly by saying, “We didn’t adopt a child to fill a void in the child’s life; we adopted him to fill a void in our own.”

36

[QUOTE=Sarahfeena]
Of course, and I think it’s great that you are still so positive towards adoption in general, despite your situation having been so poorly handled by everyone involved. From what I’ve seen of the anti-adoption movement, a lot of people have let bad personal experiences color what they think about adoption, and I’m glad you haven’t!

I DEFINITELY think that you are right that adoption is seen as a “second-best” option, and that is a shame. I have bio-kids, so I know that even when you are totally open to the idea of adoption, there’s still a drive to give birth to your “own” kids. It’s hard to shake. Plus, these days, despite my mom’s joke about adoption being easier, it really seems a whole lot less complicated to just have bio-kids and not worry about the dynamics of open adoption and how difficult it can be to get a child these days and navigating the waters of international adoptions and worrying about health or psychological problems and a whole lot of other issues that my parents didn’t have to think about 40 years ago. I completely agree with you that adoption is generally a “lost” option when dealing with a crisis pregnancy. It’s not supported by society like it should be, and that makes me sad and a little angry.
[/QUOTE]

Heh. You said my own thoughts clearer than I could. Whatever I feel is besides the point, the only thing I’d like to push for is to make it more acceptable. I don’t want women to have to feel like failures because they can’t have kids, when there is an alternative.

I see a clear difference between “desperately wanting to have your own kids” and “being made to feel like a failure by others”. If our society didn’t push so much for kids I think more women might be able to come to their own decision.

One of the reasons I probably won’t ever adopt, however, is because I am aware my viewpoints on it are a bit…strong. I think I might try to overcompensate. You know, my experience was so bad, I must make it perfect for her, etc.

37

[QUOTE=Sophistry and Illusion]
Some adoptive parents have told me that you shouldn’t share with people outside the family the fact that the child is adopted. Their reasoning is that this information is the child’s information, and if she wants to share it that is up to her; but you shouldn’t make the decision for her. Do you agree or disagree with this?
[/QUOTE]
That’s an interesting question, and I hadn’t really thought about it before. I’m not sure it makes a difference, because there will be a certain set of people who will know anyway…the people in your life when the adoption occurred (friends, family, coworkers, neighbors). They would obviously know that there hadn’t been a pregnancy, but that now you have a baby. Kind of hard to hide that.

On the other hand, when you are talking about people who are more part of the child’s life than yours…friends of theirs, for example (or parents of friends), it might be more fair to let the child decide when and if they want people to know.

My parents don’t tend to bring it up all that much, so I’m not even sure who all knows I’m adopted and who doesn’t.

38

[QUOTE=Dangerosa]
My bio kid is the one who goes through life discontent. My son is the one who adapts and rolls. If their personalities were switched, we’d blame it on adoption. This has led me to believe that a lot of what adoptive parents and adoptees see as adoption issues are really just base personality issues.
[/QUOTE]
I think this is so true. Some people just need something to blame for their problems, and adoption is an easy thing to use.

39

[QUOTE=Anaamika]
I see a clear difference between “desperately wanting to have your own kids” and “being made to feel like a failure by others”. If our society didn’t push so much for kids I think more women might be able to come to their own decision.
[/QUOTE]
Word.

Maybe it’s different for women.

When we adopted, we had to go thru a lot of stuff to be sure we were done “grieving our infertility”. I just filed it mentally under “dumb stuff I gotta do for adoption” and didn’t fret about it all that much.

Can I ask the adoptees how you told other people that you are adopted? Friends, spousal units, etc.?

And, since I didn’t mention it before, thanks for starting this thread. It is interesting to get another perspective on adoption besides from my kidlets.

Regards,
Shodan

40

[QUOTE=John DiFool]

My question to my fellow adoptees is whether what the adoption agency told you was true. In my case they told my adoptive parents that I was English/Irish, which just so coincidentally is what my father is. Likewise my sister is supposedly French-Canadian-again, same as my mother. Turns out I’m Slovenian/Swedish (or Norwegian), so they lied to increase the chance that we would get “chosen”.
[/QUOTE]

This seems to have been fairly common. I’m a birthmother, and when my son and I were first reunited, we (my son, his adoptive parents, my mother and me) compared notes on what the agency told us. The agency lied like a rug about my background to make my baby more attractive to potential adopters. For example, my son’s parents were told he was of German and Scandinavian descent, when he’s mostly Irish. Also, my father, a career Air Force officer, was portrayed as a professor of languages. The thing that really gets me is even after we were reunited the agency told me some real whoppers about the adoptive parents. I dunno what the hell THAT was about.