Kids Who Were Adopted: A Question.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

I have friends who are a great couple and had four boys.
They wanted a girl and decided to adopt.
Despite their best efforts in the USA, they were forced to go to another country and adopt.

Zip ahead 19 years.

Their daughter suddenly resents the fact that she is from another country and was adopted. Prior to this, there was no problem…no family abuse, no alcohol/drug problems, nothing. This is not an interracial adoption…from outside appearance, their daugher could easily be their own natural born child. She even has a strong resemblence to her adoptive mother.

Her parents are quite upset and really don’t know how to deal with it. It was never a secret that she was adopted and prior to this, it was never a problem.

Is this something that is common with adoptive kids?

2

My parents told me I went through something like that at 7, when I learned I was adopted (I’m 25 now).

3

If she’s 19 or 19+, I’d say she’s a spoiled brat. It is weird to me that someone could resent their birth country. Like, how does one control that? And unless the person suffered abuse from adoptive parents, it seems that being adopted would be a gift. FWIW :rolleyes:

4

As an adoptee, she may be hiding behind that as an excuse because there are so many questions that a young adult (even old people like me) have when adopted.

You realize that while you may love your family, those questions of your ancestory, your true orgins, etc…are a mystery.

I always knew I was adopted but I never held that against my parents, I had too many other things to hold against them. But, for many adoptees the many unanswered questions can be difficult to deal with.

I think there’s more to the story and she may need to go into talk therapy to get to the truth of her resentment. But that’s just an opinion of course.

5

My memory from the book l’arnin’ we had when we were adopting is that this is not particularly rare. Lots of things can lead to it–some nasty, some not that bad.

If there are the usual parent-adolescent tensions in the house, then this simply becomes the adoptees version of “I never asked to be born.” (If the adoptive parents “hid” the adoption for any time, there could be other issues that are less pleasant, but I would not generally attach any particular meaning to what you’ve described, so far.)

6

Sounds about normal from what I have experienced. My daughter’s Mother told me she went through it at about 7.
Jo told me that kids have to grieve for loss as well… and being adopted is a loss for them as well as for us biological parents. My daughter’s sadness was that she didn’t get to grow in HER mom’s tummy.
I am waiting for the day I get a phone call from Jo saying “She thinks life would have been better with you… want to set her straight?”:smiley:

But yeah sounds like your friends daughter needs some counseling.

7

All feelings are normal. How each adopted person reacts and deals with their adoption is completely normal.

I am adopted and have a great family relationship. I always knew I was adopted, as was my brother (he was adopted from another family) and I actively searched for my birth family, whilst my brother wants nothing to do with his.
My experience was relatively positive, yet my brother has anger issues with it and wants nothing to do with ‘some idiot’ (as he calls it) who didn’t want him.

I experienced so many emotions. From anger to love, to loneliness, to confusion, to pride, to excitement and nervousness.

I believe there is nothing wrong with being resentful because those feelings will pass. Remember this girl is going through the usual teenage issues as well (you said she was 19 didn’t you?)
In a year or so her feelings will probably change to acceptance or any other emotion. It’s a bit of a rollercoaster.

Of course don’t let her get away with being a bitch, but it’s nothing to worry seriously about. Therapy can help, but talking to other adopted people works really well.

My experience would have been made better if the people I loved were more open to talking about it, and allowed me to share freely my feelings.

Being adopted is a blessing only special people are chosen (on both sides), it gives you character.

The only negative feelings I have now is the feeling sometimes that you don’t belong anywhere. You don’t have the biological connection to your mother , but you don’t have the emotional coonection to your birth mother. You’re sort of in no-mans land. Most adopted people are independant buggers.

Did you also know that a large % of adopted people are gay!!! I’ve done some research, and it was very interesting.

8

**Long, semi-pointless,rambling and possibly cohesive **
Another adopted kid checking in.

Dmark I, too, was adopted after four boys. I assimilated well into my family to the point of where I was told I looked like my mom (which I don’t at all, but you know, all girls look alike) and have some of her mannerisms. ( Nature/nuture is a very interesting thing.)

This is so very true, especially for me. But, you said it better and it cohered. How’dja do that? :smiley:

I am the youngest and only girl with four older brothers, with three of them deceased now due to the ravages of Muscular Dystrophy. ( one just on May 4, so it is still very palatable and I apologise for trotting this out yet again, but it is a bruise right now.)

I have always felt like a stranger in my family that for years really frustrated me. Some times, it still does, but then I stop thinking about it and the frustration goes away. I can’t change it, so I don’t think about it. But it can gnaw at me like a hyena on a dead body sometimes, the the hyena runs of to chew on someone else for a long, long time.

I was happy, shy child. My siblings were Eeyore. My father deceased, I had one parent to rely on and frankly, though she is sainted and a great person in my book, having a connection to an adoptive mother who suffers greatly from guilt ( catholic and self induced) and panic attacks is very frustrating as I am not that way at all. Never was. I am probably the total and complete opposite of my mother. Somehow, over the years, I became her mother and she my daughter. I know this is what happens in the parent/kid relationship, only I’m suppose to have other siblings to commiserate with and I don’t.

No one else in my large extended family can touch me with my sense of humor (and they are not a bunch of rubes, either, which makes me appreciate them all that much more when I am out in the real world as there are alot of slackjawed lemmings looking for a cliff.) and I am the only member of a large extended family that does not attend church or believe in major religion anymore.

I’ve always been the odd bird and that can be a hard thing to reconcile when you are busy trying to figure out the bigger picture, *What’s it all about, alfie * and *where do I fit in *? and this is the biggie and you can never ever ever tell my mother this Why in the hell did I get this family that is so struck with sadness and disease and despair? I was fuckin’ robbed * Yet, I wouldn’t trade it, even if I could.
You figure it all out, but not all at the same time. Usually in small increments and sometimes in huge frickin’ dollops of *life lessons * of just how bad someone else has it and the ever popular * it could always be worse *. These are charmingly referred to as *Lessons in Humility * they are usually done publically.

The way I look at it is *Things happen for a reason * ( I was put into my family by The Powers That Be to be a comfort and light to my mother during these trying times. Lord knows, she doesn’t listen to my advice, I might as well make her laugh and if I can make a woman who will bury all four of her natural born children laugh, well, shit, anything else I do is a walk in the park. and sometimes that reason isn’t always clear right now or in ten years, but it will be clear one day. I promise.

A challenge is just a lesson in life waiting to be learned. this is my new mantra, which replaces the old one : Some people deserve to be sucked through jet engines
This does not mean that I don’t look in every crowd for a face that resembles mine. If I lived in a big city, I would have gone mad by now. This does not mean I don’t wonder where I got my sense of humor from or where I get my love of all things irrelevant and mundane? Or how is it that I love travel, yet cannot comprehend basic recipes? Is my short term memory loss from cooking from aluminum or hereditary? Is my blurting/interupting problem mine alone or can I blame DNA? Please, oh , please, let it be the latter.

The way I look at is I could go looking for my other family. You know, the rich successful mansion dwelling jet setters that had to give me up because they were young and insecure but decided to get married after giving me up and went on to have six other perfect *healthy * children, none of whom have co-dependency issues and all have clothing I can borrow and share the same interests and I can lean on them for things and have them beat up people I don’t like.

But I don’t want to intrude or cause chaos, even though there is this big fat trust fund waiting for me left to me by Granddaddy DeepPockets. But I don’t want to intrude, big families never settle down easily once the barrel of worms has been opened and what in the heck would it be like to share a holiday with another family? I mean, I am only one person, there is only so much of me to go around and frankly, gaining more weight to increase my mass for loveability is not a viable option.

So I just tell myself that they actually live in a van down by the river. Every gap toothed redneck that is interviewed by the news crews after a fight or a tornado, that, I tell myself, is my father or mother.
It’s just easier that way.

**I now return you to a regularly scheduled thread. Thank you for not snoring. **

9

Well, you might be able to blame the adoption. You’ve never struck me as particularly A.D.H.D. material, but impulsivity is one strong symptom and, while A.D.H.D. is suspected to occur in a bit less than 6% of the population, it may occur in 80% or more of adoptees. Maybe you got just a bit of the symptoms from your adoption?

10

I’m adopted, and it continues to weird me out more and more with each passing year (I actually thought it was supposed to get easier to deal with, honestly…).

I ended up in a very loving, albeit straitlaced family of hail-fellow-well-met WASPS… which has been great for my teeth (killer orthodontia); my social development (summer camp and charm school); and my ability to write a damn fine thank-you note.

However, my basic personality is really, really at odds with theirs most of the time. Like, I’m really LOUD!!! Like, I like modern art. Like, I put hot sauce on stuff! Cheap hot sauce! And I’m clumsy. I fall down. I haven’t the same natural Jackie O grace that my mom and sister have. They really do have it. (I had to sweat it out for two years on Saturday afternoons at the aforementioned charm school just to come close.) I’m not kidding about this stuff. I get teased all the time. Mind you, this is not a self esteem issue; this is simply an observation based on years of life experience.

And that is why I have decided being adopted weirds me out: I feel like a fish out of water. But who else to ask about this stuff? I supposedly have about five brothers and sisters somewhere. I was, according to my parents, adopted through Episcopal Home Services or somesuch. Both of my parents (get this!) had PhDs in the hard sciences. That so cracks me up. I can’t add two and two.

My adopted parents, bless them, have offered to help me find my siblings, but what the hell. What’s the point, really, after all this time? I really wouldn’t “know” my brothers and sisters at all, really, after a whole lifetime of separation. And I guess I’m just too emotionally lazy to take on another family.

I mean, what if they’re crazy and they want money?

Finally, do I truly dislike being adopted? Yeah, I really do. I dislike the alienation; it’s tiresome. It’s also tiresome to have no real sense of ancestry; but at least I can “borrow” a good one! I am glad, however, to have my adopted family in my life. What the hell. No sense anybody leaving now; we’re all used to each other.

One final thing. It may also be worth noting that I have wrestled with drug addiction, alcoholism, and lots of other goodies that have made a host of shrinks quite rich over the past 15 years or so.

11

DMark and others here. There is a book called called The Primal Wound that I find to be an excellent read. It’s meant for all members of the triad; the adoptee, the birth parent(s) and the adoptive parent(s).

It’s written by an adoptive mother that really speaks of the adoptee and his/her journey through life. Granted it doesn’t apply to everyone but for me it had a sense of urgency.

I read like a snail, usually 3 pages and I fall asleep (thank my ADD) but this book I finished in 24 hours. I highly recommend it for all members of the triad, even others that are siblings or spouses of the adoptee.

While it may not apply to all adoptees, it is a good book to get some insight from a woman that’s personally involved in the adoption triad.

Adoption is sort of mourning for many on all sides. It is hard to mourn that which is so close to your soul with no ending. Acting out, even at 25 can be a sign that questions are seemingly unending and the resolve never to be brought to light. God knows I have been dealing with that for all of my life. I hope to end that soon thanks to a friend of mine who is helping me out.

But I do recommend that book to anyone involved with an adoptee who does have some personal issues that aren’t quite of the ordinary. Heck, even the ordinary ones…

12

In 1998, we were “found” by our brother who was adopted at the age of 7 months. My mother had become a widow at age 29. She already had 4 children, and was pregnant with this child. She was quite distraught after our dad’s sudden death, and fell ill. We were not aware of the existence of this brother, she never mentioned him to anyone.

Five years after our father died, my mother remarried, and had 5 more children. Yeah, a total of 10 counting our new brother.

Unfortunately, my mother had also passed away a few years before he found us, so this is a sadness that will stay with him, as he will never know either of his birth parents. Still, he found a whole bunch of us, and we love him very much already. At first, he seemed a bit overwhelmed; by now he just fits in with the rest of us as though he’d always been there. :slight_smile: He says it’s still weird to be sitting at a table with a crowd of people who all look like him. He said he started really wondering about his birth family when he himself had children (he has two, a girl and a boy, great kids). His daughter is blonde like my mother (and unlike her parents); his son is the spitting image of one of our cousins.

Luckily, his adoptive parents are wonderful. I think it would have been very hard to handle if he had not been so well-loved. They took to him right away, and adopted 2 girls after him. His parents are not musically inclined in the least, yet they respected him and helped him follow his passion for music. All of us in the family need music the way everyone needs air. My mother, her brothers and sisters, our grandparents all played musical instruments. Our new brother is a professional musician. I think she would be proud of him.

He’s a big fan of SF and jazz, 2 of my passions, and whenever we spend an hour on the phone together, I forget that I haven’t known him all of my life.

13

<—Birthmother, adoptee, and sibling.

14 years ago, I relinquished a child (a daughter) for adoption. Shortly thereafter, I discovered that my mother had done the same thing (also with a daughter), in 1966. And just a few months after that, I learned that my dad was NOT my biological father–I’d been raised by my biological mother, but I and the aforementioned child that my mother had relinquished have the same biological father. My dad had actually adopted me when I was 2 years old.

My daughter, as of yet, does not seem to resent being adopted. But it’s different with her. We have an open adoption. She knows me and her birthfather, and we’ve always been a part of her life. We’re not actively parenting, of course–we gave those rights up 14 years ago. But we’re still there. We still see her. And the questions that she’s had, she’s been able to ask us directly. No searching, no wondering who we are or where we are.

Neither I nor my sister (with whom we were reunited in 1988) resent being adopted. She and I also searched and found our biological father, in 1991, and we have a good relationship with him as well.

My sister has always known she was adopted. I didn’t find out until I was 21. I was a little angry that I hadn’t been told, but…then I realized that I’d had good parents. My dad was just that…my dad. My birthfather is my friend, but my dad is my dad, you know?

I understand that resentment does occur, though. While I’ve been lucky in that I’ve not experienced it, I can say this–it’s normal, regardless of what age the person experiencing it happens to be.

When I discovered that my dad wasn’t my biological father, although I wasn’t resentful, it was weird. It was as if half of my life was suddenly ripped from me. History that 'd grown up believing was mine…wasn’t. And I felt the need to find it. I had to. I just had to. That actually upset my dad. It took me a long while to convince him that it was nothing AGAINST him, but FOR me, and the child I’d so recently relinquished myself.

I’m still looking for that history, believe it or not. yes, I’ve been reunited with my birthfather, but…he’s an adoptee as well. His was a private adoption, arranged by a doctor and an attorney, and it occurred in the late 1940’s. His records are sealed tighter than a drum, and neither of us can afford a confidential intermediary, to locate his birthfamily (and I just KNOW that some of them are right here, in the same city as me).

While I myself don’t harbor any resentment against anyone, I understand where it comes from. I’d suggest that your friend’s daughter get some counselling (preferably with someone who is knowledgable about adoption issues). I’d recommend the same for your friends as well. Not because I think they’re bad or crazy or anything like that at all–but because their daughter is dealing with some extremely complicated issues, and they may need some assistance themselves in helping HER to cope. And they may also need some reassurance that they’re okay. Like I told my own dad, it wasn’t against him, it was FOR me, but he still had trouble coping with my desire to search for my birthfather.

(((((DMark)))))

Best of luck to your friends, and please, feel free to email me anytime.

14

Checking in here . . .

As an adoptee, I didn’t look like anyone in my family & had very different habits and interests. Also, even though I was taken home from the hospital by my adoptive family at the age of 2 days, I think there may have been some separation issues. I often resented my mother, notably when she called attention to the fact that I was adopted. Like some others have said, I don’t feel like I belong anywhere. A born outsider. Or, actually, an adopted outsider.

But, 19? There could be other things going on. A lot of girls get over it by that age but for some teens there is a period when parents are just basically uncool. Even the children of rock gods and goddesses think this about their parents. So, if she has something like an adoption from another country to grab onto, well, whatever. She’ll probably get over it.

15

I was adopted at nine months and I’ve always known. I can understand the feelings some adoptees may have but for me, it’s never been an issue. There is no confusion in my feelings for my parents - they are my Ma and Da in every way that’s important and I have no wish to seek out my birth parents. I bear my birth parents no ill-will and I’m sure they made the right decision - I suppose I just don’t have an emotional gap that needs filling.

My younger brother is also adopted and he also has no desire to contact his birth parents. I know this is wrong of me but I sometimes feel that those who do are being a bit self-indulgent. While this is not my motivation for making no efforts in that direction, I can’t help feeling that it would be a slap in the face for my parents. They have never said anything to make me feel this way and they would be supportive but any human being in that position would feel ever so slightly rejected. Of course, as both I and my only brother are adopted, I have no experience with the ‘fish out of water’ thing that could occur when other siblings are involved. In that position, maybe things would be different.

I now have a daughter of eleven months and I’ll tell her straight away that I am adopted but that nana and grandad love her all the more because they thought they’d never be lucky enough to have grandchildren. I am convinced that there never being a moment of revelation plays a strong part in the ‘normalisation’ of adoption and in heading-off problems at a later stage. Also, it’s the honest thing to do.

I fought viciously with my parents in my teens and I thought I hated them sometimes. However, I never put any of this down to being adopted and to do so would have been ridiculous. All I really want to say is that sometimes adoption is not that big a deal, at least for the adoptee. I, for one, thank my lucky stars that I have been spared the drama of a soap opera adoption.