I was born in Seoul, South Korea, and when I was about 2 months old, I was flown to the U.S. I have 2 loving, white parents now. I really couldn’t imagine myself being any luckier. But…sometimes I wonder about my birth parents. Should I?
I have “real” parents now, and they are the ones who raised me and taught me how to live. Sometimes, though, I feel empty.
I feel that there are 2 people over in Korea that may be wondering about their son they gave up 19 years ago. I wonder why they put me up for adoption. I think about what they are doing now…if they are okay nor not. I think about what my life would be like if they hadn’t put me up for adoption.
Sometimes I feel so conflicted and confused. Should I just try to ignore these thoughts? Should I worry myself with this stuff? Because I really don’t have any way of contacting my birth parents…
It’s just something that’s been bothering me. Any advice for a troubled Asian?
Well, firstly, I’m not adopted myself. That being said I think it’s perfectly normal and natural to have some interest and confusion about your birth parents. So normal, in fact, that there are resources available.
Here is a link to a site that lists resources for persons in your exact situation - Koran adopties living in the US - perhaps you can check it out and see if there’s anything of interest.
Secondly, your curiosity should not make you feel disloyal to your “real” parents - it’s perfectly normal to wonder about your roots. Heck - the entire geaniology industry is based on that curiosity.
Anyhow - have you talked to your “real” parents about this at all? They may have been anticipating your questions and could have some useful insights or information for you.
I happen to be adopted, and I’ve talked to a lot of other adoptees. What you are feeling is actually pretty common. How you deal with it is a personal choice. Some people want to find their birth parents, some don’t. In either case, the parents that raised you are your “real” parents and you shouldn’t feel “empty” because you just happen to have a set of biological parents out there.
I happened to search for my birth parents. I had a fairly difficult time because it was a sealed adoption, but I would think that having a foreign country involved would make it even more difficult. In my case, I was born to a young unwed mother at a time before young unwed mothers bringing up children was socially accepted. My biological mother also happened to have passed away about five years before I found out who she was. No one presently alive knows who my biological father is, although we have a couple of leading suspects.
Finding my birth family helped to fill in a lot of gaps. My adopted mother had some jealousy problems dealing with my birth family, despite the fact that I constantly assured her that she was my “real” mother and I wasn’t trying to change that. Your adopted family will probably feel the same things if you try to search.
Talking to other adoptees about your feelings also helps quite a bit. Your feelings are very typical, and you’ll find that a lot of other folks out there are going through exactly the same thing you are.
In my case, I now have a relationship with my birth family. We send letters back and forth and have met a couple of times. Most of the time reunions work out ok, but sometimes they don’t. Don’t go into a search expecting everything to turn out ok. Be glad if it does, but often it doesn’t.
I was “legally adopted”…but only half adopted. My mother divorced my birth father before I was one year old, and she remarried when I was about 5 or 6. My stepfather “legally adopted” me when I was in 5th grade. (I’m an only child, if that matters.) Anyway, I personally have never had any desire to find my birth father because I didn’t share that feeling of “emptiness” that others have expressed…I always felt that my stepfather was my “real” dad. I’m 33 and still have no desire to seek out my “birth” father. I can’t imagine what could make me want to do so? I’m happy. But that’s just me. My two cents.
This is not a GQ response, rather IMHO, but given that caveat –
I am jealous of friends, etc who were adopted. The people who cared for you actually wanted you. They went to great lengths to adopt you. My parents, more as I get older, I believe DID NOT WANT ME. You sense a loss. I know the loss and would trade with you any day of the week.
Well, as an adoptive dad to a Korean son (age 5-1/2), I have a little perspective on the situation.
To answer your question : Should you care that you’re adopted? Sure. It’s part of being you. And there are lots of really good reasons to want to know about your birthfamily – simple questions like “does your family have a history of heart disease?” are a bit more complicated in adoptive families.
But your question seems to go a little deeper than than – I think you’re asking “Should I miss my birthparents, should I feel loss?” And again, sure you should. Adoption is, to some degree, about loss. It’s also about love, though.
So I would say, go ahead and be you. Learn about your heritage. Learn what you can about your birthfamily, the province you were born in, the language and culture and clothing of your home. Those things are part of you – I hope you’ve had exposure to them growing up (we’re trying to do that with our son (and his sister). But remember that your mom and dad love you.
And remember to tell them that you love them too, because they’ll be scared as hell on some level that they’re going to lose you.
I was adopted 46 years ago next month. I have no idea who my natural parents were, but my parents met them before they took me home. Rather unusual for the late 50s, but I know that my natural father was a tall army man and my natural mother was a petite blonde Norwegian, about 18 years old. They were putting me up for adoption because they felt that Army life and a baby would not mix at that point in their life.
I’ve sometimes wondered about finding them, if they’re still alive. But it’s not my driving passion in life. My parents are the two wonderful people who changed my diapers, fed me, raised me, suffered through my teen angst and the totalling of my first car, and finally kicked me out to, in the words of the immortal Tom Lehrer, “slide down the razor blade of life.”
My little sister, on the other hand, has a real passion for finding her birth parents. She has kids, I don’t, and she claims it’s for medical history purposes only.
It’s really up to you. I’ve heard fairy-tale endings, and I’ve heard horror stories about reunions. But only you can decide what’s right.
I don’t have that burning intensity to find my birth parents, whom were about 18/19, not married and felt they were not ready to get married.
It’s more along the lines, for me, a curiosity of where did I get my sense of humor from? Will I pork out like the Stay Puft Marshmellow man later in life? Whom do I look like more? Do I find things in life so absurb and make fun of everything because I am programmed this way or is it enviromental?
I would love to peak in a window and see what they look like, but I really don’t want to interfere with their lives and I don’t want to disappoint them with the life that was handed to me with the adoption. I wouldn’t want them to have a sense of regret that is something that is out of everyone’s control then and now.
I’ve never fit into the world I was raised in, I certainly wouldn’t fit into their world. I’m happy the way things are.
I also don’t want my little fantasy world of what they are like ruined with reality. I’m sure they are probably very nice people with their very nice tidy, seperate lives, but what if they are living in a van down by the river. No, thank you. I’ll just keep my day dreams of them being very wealthy royalty sitting on a bajillion in money and real estate and I have a bunch of healthy brothers and sisters who all adore me and are just like me and have clothing, tools and stuff I can borrow anytime I want and can help me with projects. Yeah, that dream works for me.
I’m 32 and adopted. Both my sister and I were adopted, from different families. My parents were lucky enough to adopt the both of us :). I’ve never really cared about my birth family. My family is my family.
However, it’s a personal thing. My parents wouldn’t be upset if I looked, but I just never worried about it. I am proud of being adopted, actually.
Thanks for the advice everyone. I’m glad to hear from other people in my position and their approaches to this “dilemma.”
A part of me wants to take the initiative and search for these people. But another part of me wants to forget about the whole scenario completely and just go on living my life, care-free. How horrible it would be if I were to actually find these guys, and their story was something less than, “We wanted the best for you, so we put you up for adoption.” The story could be so much worse…but I shouldn’t really fret about that now, not knowing the truth.
If, however, I ever did track down and meet my birth parents, I’m not sure how I would first react. They would be complete strangers, yet have such a special bond with me. I guess I would give them a hug? Shake their hands? Well, I guess I am getting ahead of myself, but maybe one day…
Anyways, Rico made a comment that may further encourage me to find my birth parents…their medical records at least.
Hm…that is a very good reason, I believe, for an adoptee to find out who his/her birth parents are. If it’s possible, I’d like to get word on whether I am more prone to any hereditary diseases. That is a real advantage.
I think, in the case of a foreigner being adopted by parents of a different culture, adoption, to a large degree, is about loss. I feel that I lost out on who I really was meant to be.
Being a natural born Korean and being adopted and raised as an infant by a white family, I act like white. I consider myself a white person in an Asian person’s body. I practice no Asian customs, speak no Asian language, and sadly, I have no interest in learning about either. I just feel so white, and I would only look into Korean heritage as I would French or Turkish heritage…not because I was Korean and was passionate about learning about what Koreans do.
When I was younger, maybe until I was about 6 or 7, my parents attempted to expose me to some of Korea’s flavor. They bought some Korean cook books, Korean song books, and dressed me up in some Asian attire on Halloween. However, for some reason that I’m unaware of, that whole phase ended abruptly. Maybe you will have more success than my parents did, and hopefully your children will have more interest in their culture as well. They will thank you when they’re older for giving the extra effort.
SuperM0nk, I’m biracial Chinese/white and I’ve spent a lot of time working with racially mixed folks. One of things you learn from people’s experiences is that in America, appearance really is everything. You may not feel Korean, but the world is always going to see you as Korean. Your white friends may not care about your race but white strangers are going to come at you with different expectations. I suspect that you have grown up in largely white community so this might not be an issue, but Asian folks are going to approach you in another, unfamiliar way. You are young, but I already sense a feeling of discomfort in you when you talk about who you were “meant to be.”
You can’t change where you came from or the choices **other people made ** that have greatly affected your life. However, you aren’t a passive participant and you can always move forward. A lot of my peers suffer from a similar sense of loss. I have wondered what if my Chinese mother had married a Chinese man? Would my life have been easier? Would I be the same person?
I would suggest that learning about your Korean heritage is a way to connect with your parents in a general way that might be more fulfilling than meeting the strangers who birthed you. Korean history could give you possible reasons for your parents giving you up for adoption. It could give you the confidence to face people who are going to be constantly confused by your complex identity. You don’t have to learn Korean and transform yourself into something you aren’t, but every bit of learning fleshes out your background and puts a question to rest.
These are complex issues. It might take a lot of personal work on yourself before you feel comfortable with this. I wish you luck and point you to this: Korean Adoption Resources
KAAN is great. You can find them at Hepa’s link. And I’ll second her advice. You may discover that learning a little about who your birthparents might have been is adequate. But if you feel a need to search, do so. Just do so with realistic expectations both of finding someone at the other end, and of what your relationship will be. Besides, doing your background research on Korea will help a lot if you ever go over to meet anyone.
Another thing to consider is to contact the agency who placed you or another agency doing Korean adoptions. Our agency (I’m Brainiac4’s wife) has a wide range of post adoption services - from counseling to searches to homeland tours.
One of the nicest things about being a Korean adoptee is that you are not alone in having that background.
The book “I Wish You a Beautiful Life” is a collection of letters written by Korean birthmothers to their children. It might be worth checking out (although its a tearjerker).
Personally, I would encourage you to see yourself as SuperMOnk the individual, instead of someone obligated to do things and speak certain languages because of the way you look. You are more than your looks, and I’m American enough to believe that you’re YOU, not a piece of a culture that you must adhere to.
In fact, one of my definitions of racism is: “I know how you should be acting by the way you look.”
OTOH, it would be neat to be be-lingual, or to be more culturally knowledgable. It doesn’t mean you HAVE to care, though.
I’ve never seen my parents, and I’m not at all concerned, they are not alive nor dead, they are just not any kind of issue to me at all.
One thing I do find odd though, is that those around me seem to think I should want to know, virtually everyone I know who has been brought up in a more conventional family seem to try put their values on me and try make me feel guilty for not caring in the slightest about my parents.
It also seems to me that when this comes up somewhere in the media, with right to know issues etc, that wanting to seek out your true parents is something absolutely fundamental to any person yet this appears to be spoken by social workers who have no direct personal experience and can only imagine such things, or perhaps read it in some book.
I despise social workers, they are just too ‘right on’ and have no inspirational or leadership qualities at all, just a bunch of ineffectual do-gooders with more power than common sense.
Think about why you might like to know, what is it that is pushing you in this direction ? I would not be surprised if it were more extrenal values and pressures than your own inner voice, you do have the right not to care, and it is entirely normal, in fact I find personally that not wanting to know about someone who you have never met a very rational thing to do.
Your birth parents loved you enough that when they realized they couldn’t take care of you they didn’t abort you, they gave you up for adoption.
Your adoptive parents (what I call your ‘real’ parents) loved you enough to make a lifelong commitment to raising you.
You are pretty lucky, and it’s understandable that you want to know both sets of your parents. My son is adopted, and we decided to have an open adoption so he’d never have to wonder. We all love it! (all four sets of grandparents especially!)
If you are driven to find your birth parents just remember that you may be very surprised at what you find, and ask if that knowledge is worth the potential at disappointment. Also, they may be interested in finding you as well, and if so a few inquiries at adoption agencies may open some records.
My mother divorced my birth father before I was one year old, and she remarried when I was about 5 or 6. My stepfather “legally adopted” me when I was in 5th grade. (I’m an only child, if that matters.) Anyway, I personally have never had any desire to find my birth father because I didn’t share that feeling of “emptiness” that others have expressed…I always felt that my stepfather was my “real” dad. I’m 33 and still have no desire to seek out my “birth” father. I can’t imagine what could make me want to do so? I’m happy. But that’s just me. My two cents.