Ask the BPD survivor

In My Humble Opinion
61

(shrug) The criteria is criteria for a reason- we can predict, with a fair degree of certainty, that an individual with BPD will behave in a certain manner, and that those behaviors have a significantly negative effect on their relationships with others. Unless you are Mr. Rogers, the truth is it is very very difficult to like someone who is BPD*. Some folks blame the individual, some blame the disease, some blame the lack of effective treatment, or stigma, or whatever, but the fact remains that it is one of the most difficult disorders to deal with, either from a suffer’s perspective or from their loved ones’. I don’t think people necessarily “invent nefarious motives for their behavior”- it’s more that they find the behavior (not the person, the behavior) overwhelming. I doubt they even get to a point where they try to figure out why the person behaves the way they do. Figuring out motivation isn’t your #1 priority when you’re just trying to keep from sending someone into an unintended depression or rage… you’re more concerned about walking on eggshells.

I’ve been in the field for over 20 years. I worked for eight years at a residential facility for kids- probably 20% of our older girls were BPD (we were one of the few programs in the state that had a specific treatment module for them). These were kids who had access to three-times-weekly individual therapy, daily group therapy, weekly art therapy, music therapy, equine therapy, rec therapy, and any kind of religious program they requested. We didn’t share their diagnosis with them or with their non-clinical caretakers, because our psychiatrist believed that labelling teens with a personality disorder set them up to be victims the rest of their lives, and he didn’t want the staff being influenced by their diagnosis. So, considering the circumstances, they had the perfect setup for effective treatment. And yet they fought against it every step of the way. We were among the best programs in the state (we used dialectical behavior therapy, BTW), and our treatment success was still frustratingly abysmal.

Prior to that, I spent four years doing mobile crisis assessment. For almost a year of that time, I had a BPD woman who would show up at the ER every Friday night between 5:30 and 7 with suicidal ideations. After the first two months I could fill out the demographic portion of her assessment without using the medical file. At first her family were the ones bringing her in. Then it was friends. By the end, she was calling the ambulance or taking a cab, because being placed on a 72-hour hold in the state hospital every single week is not something that a lot of people can deal with. The ER docs and I were probably the only stable outside connections she had left. Still, she was a joy compared to the BPD patients I worked with for six years on the forensic unit.

Am I biased? Yes. Just like some clinicians can’t work with rapists, or pedophiles, or substance abusers, or schizophrenics, or any number of other types of issues. No clinician can work with everyone, and if they say they can, they’re either lying or not a good clinician. Everyone has their biases… the important thing it to recognize it and work within your abilities. As I said, our BPD kids came to me more often than not because I didn’t put up with their ‘typical’ behavior, so I must have been doing something right.

I honestly think we could have this exact same thread on drug addicts, alcoholics, narcissists.. ad nauseum. Mental illness is just a bitch, no two ways about it.

62

For what it’s worth, I treated my BPD girlfriend with nothing but compassion, because I realized she was ill. All it got me was screamed at for being “passive”.

63

Not sure if it was BPD. I think I first noticed something amiss when we were on holiday, I went mountain biking (in treacherous conditions) and fell over the bars on a switchback, cracking a rib. I didn’t feel it until the next day when I couldn’t lift myself off the bed. She promptly leant on my chest. We were out later that day and having a mild argument, when she poked me in the chest causing me to scream out loud and shove her back. This happened several more times.

When I severely burnt my hand cooking we would be walking along and she’d often brush her hand/arm against my 3rd degree burnt hand. I ended up walking further and further away from her arms, right next to the shop windows, until eventually I changed sides.

I also injured my foot and she managed to tread on it several occasions. I’d ask ‘what are you doing?’ and she’d feign ignorance. Those were the only times she pushed me in the chest, stepped on my foot or brushed against my hand during the time we were together. These ‘accidents’ never occurred when I was well (or I didn’t feel them, but she is a very tactile, physical person). When I’m obviously in a lot of pain and she leant on my chest, with all of her weight, it seemed odd.

She would also regularly criticize me; about how much food I bought for the fridge, how I didn’t like going hiking in 35c heat with 85% humidity, how my choice of job was insignificant (in a roundabout way - she said the job was insignificant) and that she should have the lifestyle the stars of 90210 had when she was watching it several times a day), she said she wanted to be “an international business woman” and made it clear I was holding her back. These are just a few, ridiculous examples of the daily, usually benal, critiques she would inform me, matter-of-factly, that I should deal with. Also I didn’t ride fast enough when we were out on my bike, I walked too fast, I walked too slow, I woke too late (occasionally), I woke too early(usually), and sometimes I slept too late (we just weren’t always in synch with waking and sleeping times).

Those were the main ‘threads’ which she would revisit, again and again, interspersed with other, fleeting, criticisms and then she would be considerate, comfortable and kind for a spell, before it all started again. When we started darting I was speaking to her mother who told me “She isn’t a very nice person”:eek:, I sort of laughed that off but didn’t forget it. We took a holiday to her home country and, on arriving at her parents’, she told me to take a train somewhere as she wasn’t happy with me. I took it in my stride and we fulfilled our original tour criteria (except I didn’t get to see my school friends who’ve immigrated there) but little, crappy niggles like that, on a daily basis, do get to you.

So, if you read this long essay thanks for doing so. Any idea if she’s BPD or other?

64

My name? Rik. Her dad’s name? Rick.

My profession? Cook. Her dad’s profession when she was growing up? Cook.

I met her dad once. I was absolutely gobsmacked by how alike the two of us were, personality-wise.

My BPD girlfriend was severely physically and emotionally abused by her mother (her dad confirmed this for me). She related a story about the one time her dad intervened when her mom was beating her. Dad pushed Mom away from her. Mom fell down and started crying, and then called the police and pressed charges against him for spousal abuse. Police came and arrested Dad. After that, Dad was almost never home — he was “too busy” at work. Leaving her at the mercy of Mom. No wonder she felt abandoned, and got angry with my “passiveness”.

As part of Dad’s visit, he brought Girlfriend’s younger sister. Let me point out that Little Sister was 18 years old and gorgeous. Tall, thin, and blonde. Meanwhile, Girlfriend was short, chubby, and brunette. Girlfriend did everything she could to push me into close contact with Little Sister, which I avoided as much as possible. Eventually, Girlfriend accused me of grabbing Little Sister’s ass (which I most certainly did not do), and proceeded into full BPD Angry mode. Little Sister, the best person available to say “Yes” or “No, he didn’t touch my ass” chose to simply agree with her big sister.

Her dad heard the whole story, and to his credit, he chose to believe me, based on his longtime experience with his daughter/my girlfriend.

I also got to meet her Mom once. Girlfriend’s whole personality changed when she was in her mom’s presence. She was cheerful and submissive, and it was plainly obvious to me that she was desperately seeking this woman’s approval. From my perspective, her mom was the most absolutely fake personality I’ve ever encountered. Oh, she was pleasant enough, but the entire time I was in her presence it just felt completely fake. I strongly suspect she was just as BPD as Girlfriend. Despite her pleasant facade, I couldn’t wait to remove myself from her presence.

It wasn’t long after “meeting the parents” that Girlfriend and I mutually parted ways. To my never-ending relief. I don’t know what became of her - she left town. She would be 30 or 31 by now, and I sincerely hope she’s better by now.

65

Could be, but nothing about what you said jumps out to me that she must be. Being hypercritical is certainly something BPD people love to do, but so do a lot of other people.

With BPD the person goes back and forth between loving you and hating you. They really want to be close but then they get so scared of abandonment that they attack preemptively. Nothing you said really points to any reason she acted like she did, so I don’t know. Could just be a run-of-the-mill asshole.

66

Whatever it is she’s certainly unique amongst my exes. As a student (double major) of education and psychology she knows (and practised) which buttons to press at either end of the spectrum.

67

[QUOTE=Mister Rik]
For what it’s worth, I treated my BPD girlfriend with nothing but compassion, because I realized she was ill. All it got me was screamed at for being “passive”.
[/QUOTE]

There’s a difference between being compassionate and tolerating abuse. I would never advocate tolerating abuse. I think the stigma is problematic for the general population but what I really find most upsetting is the stigma perpetrated by clinicians and other mental health professionals.

[QUOTE=bobkitty]
Am I biased? Yes. Just like some clinicians can’t work with rapists, or pedophiles, or substance abusers, or schizophrenics, or any number of other types of issues. No clinician can work with everyone, and if they say they can, they’re either lying or not a good clinician. Everyone has their biases… the important thing it to recognize it and work within your abilities.
[/QUOTE]

As an MSW intern, I was a clinician for a very brief period of time working in a partial-hospital setting for mentally ill individuals who had neglected or abused their children. So, they were basically only there because they’d been mandated by the courts to be there. The most common diagnosis was Borderline Personality Disorder, the same illness from which my mother suffers.

I could not handle it. And it wasn’t because I was biased negatively against our clients, it’s that I was too sympathetic. I just looked at these clients and saw my Mom - and so much pain. That’s not what they needed in this particular context. What they needed were concrete parenting skills. Anyway, working there put my PTSD into overdrive and I decided not to be a clinician, period. I agree it’s important to recognize your biases and act accordingly. My decision was to be a grant writer instead of a therapist.

I do not envy those who work with such difficult disorders, but I think there can be a tremendous difference in how these clients are viewed and treated. My husband is a therapist and has studied the work of Marsha Linehan in great detail in addition to working with clients who have BPD. Linehan, as you probably know, rejects descriptors like ‘‘manipulative’’ as essentially meaningless. These kind of value judgments are not conducive to successful therapy. I’ve done lit reviews and I learned, for example, that many BPD clients are treated more poorly than other clients who have the exact same symptoms but a different diagnosis. This strikes me personally because in college I exhibited some BPD symptoms (difficulty regulating emotions, difficulty with all-or-nothing thinking about relationships) but was diagnosed with Complex-PTSD. I wonder how much different my treatment would have been if I had been diagnosed BPD.

What I am trying to articulate is that despite being severely ill for decades, my mother has in fact started treatment and I am proud to be there for her. I don’t think people realize how much courage it takes to learn to cope with a disorder like BPD. It required her to take a long hard look at her past, both her childhood and the environment in which I was raised. Being told you have a personality disorder - particularly one this stigmatized - is a difficult thing to grapple with. To be nearly 50 years old and seek treatment for the first time in your life is not insignificant. And I like my mother. And I always have. I’ve been angry with her, I even walked out when I was 17, but I never believed she was doing all of this to me on purpose. She was just trying to cope the only way she knew how. I am so damned proud of her. So when people say BPDs are not likeable, I am somewhat offended. My mother is very likeable. That’s one of the reasons it is so tragic.

One thing that happened is that when she first started to make changes, people in my family would not accept it. Their view of her was completely distorted by past experiences. I am not entirely blameless there either. But I am talking about a phenomenon I have seen for those with BPD to be demonized and their healthy behaviors ignored or twisted and interpreted in the least charitable way. I think it’s likely that many people with BPD do try to make changes but their loved ones force them into old patterns of behavior by expecting the worst. Given that BPD is a disorder characterized by dysfunctional relationships, it stands to reason that those close to the mentally ill person must also change as well. And that’s what people don’t want to hear. They’ve already made up their minds that she is a terrible person, and that absolves them of responsibility for their own behavior.

68

I am really sorry to hear your story. This isn’t an isolated case but happens quite frequent.
The only thing I can add is that mine happens to be my husband.

I’m actually quite disappointed with some of the responses you have received on here.
It is so easy for those sitting on the fence to pass judgement. No one other than the person going through this will know.

I would like to add the following:

  1. I read so much about women who have BPD it exists in men too. I am married to one.

  2. any stupid response about not having a professional diagnosis is B.S. why? as someone below said… they would fight you tooth and nail and not only will they never acknowledge the shit that they are spewing… but in no way will some of them want to get help… once, twice or even three times requesting forms and presenting them for therapy falls on deaf shitty ears.
    so how else are u meant to make sense of their erratic and damaging behaviour?

  3. living with a male BPD sometimes feels like a living hell and this is no exaggeration. it makes you feel crazy that your husband has just suddenly for reason so trivial such as droplets of water on the kitchen floor after washing his dirty dishes is suddenly punching you from the back…its surreal… like did this just happen?
    Don’t give me no B.S. about how ill they are and are not aware of their behaviour.
    I used to think that until In a passing remark I realised he remembered ever single thing he’s done to me.

  4. Abuse is what happened and abuse is what they do.

  5. you are like me in that you want to help but never quite realised the severity of the issue until somehow you tripped over some reading on the internet looking for answers on the irrational behaviour … in a bid to make sure you really are not crazy but by then it’s too late.

  6. my husband always appeared to be trapped in some 10 year olds body even though he is mid fourties. that was the first trait I noticed… sweet and loving man before we married. always polite… . always helpful… always understanding… before marriage. after marriage out came the ‘fuck you’, ‘cunt’ and ‘MF’ and not forgetting the fist. which you can not comprehend the vile words uttered over some stupid thing.

5.BPDs in the other hand are some beautiful ppl when in a positive phase. I loved spending time with my husband. I know what he does for me no one else might never… but I also realise what he does to me with his abuse no one else will ever.

I could go on and on. I have tolerated enough and I’m catching the next train to ‘life’… leaving behind physical abuse, mental and emotional torture, manipulation… control… love…and a complete head job.

only one positive love… but love is not enough when you realise at the expense of someone else you stopped loving yourself.

next person to sit on the fence and pass judgement you can go jump… you don’t know what’s it’s like and never will you… deep down you know you don’t want to be walking in my shoes.
Go back to your repunzel like state and pass judgement on something you do understand.

69

If someone has a personality that toxic, I can’t see how whether they have an “official” DSM-V diagnosis or not makes any difference.

70

It’s good you were able to get out of a relationship that was not working for you. But why does it even matter if she suffers from a mental illness - internet diagnosed or not? I think it’s much healthier to move on without needing to vassillate on whatever problems your ex had. Have you learned nothing about yourself in these three years? Is there nothing you learned about how you could be better in a relationship?

My comments stem from years of always finding that the women I was with were “crazy.”

71

Some years ago I had a friend who was a lot of fun and incredibly generous and supportive; she had shared with me her BPD diagnosis. She was great until she wasn’t. Some things happened that made me ncomfortable, then the relationship ended when she felt I was being offensive by not sitting next to her at a movie (I put my heavy coat on the chair between us so I could balance our shared popcorn on it. We were not romantic partners, so why squish one another?)

She walked out of the movie, I followed her and she screamed at me and cried as if I had murdered her parents and dog. She told me I had betrayed and rejected her by sitting four feet away. I called her SO and waited until she got there and left. I was done. She got stalkerish and and called obsessively to “discuss what I had done to her and I needed to apologize” and would call me names. (I screened my calls).

I didn’t respond and she eventually left me alone. I’m sorry she has to deal with such ugly issues, but I was done. I don’t know if she had a romantic crush on me and that spurred her breakdown or if it was just a vagary of her mental issues. I wrote her a nice note about how much I appreciated her past generosity and friendship then decided that sending it might provoke more unwanted drama.

My youngest sister has BPD. I live 3,000 miles away from her and can minimize our contact; she’s very, very dramatic and I have to set firm boundaries in order to maintain what relationship we do have. She’s very fond of medical attention and there’s always some fake crisis going on that she tries to suck people into. She abuses prescription drugs and alcohol, which is not unusual for BPD sufferers. One of my brothers hates her and hasn’t spoken to her in years. And, for better or worse, Sister isn’t very smart and her machinations aren’t sophisticated.

I do have a lot of compassion for BPD sufferers. My sister has told me that she often feels an emptiness that can’t be filled, no matter how much love and attention she gets. It makes me sad to see her, at 41yo, with four(!) failed marriages and changing jobs every three months due to emotional control issues that get her fired. I’ve dealt with depression on and off, but I know if I take care of myself and weather the empty, sad feelings it will lift (thanks Zoloft). I imagine victims of BPD don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel.

Intractable BPD seems to be one of the shittiest conditions to have. I’m sorry I lost a good friend and can’t be close to my only sister, but that’s the way it is.