Everything you ever wanted to know about being a loser will be answered here! Are you accomplishing everything you ever wanted? Need to find out how to put an end to that? Need advice on getting fired or throwing your life away? How about coming within inches of your goals only to have another door slammed in your face. It’s not as hard as you think. You can do it too!!
Who wants to be employed like all those other suckers? You too can be a complete loser. Need help or advice on getting there? Just ask away!
I’m tempted to ask a question. I really am.
But only if you send two installments of $39.95 to me.
If you act now, I’ll ask a second question totally free of charge!
Dear Complete Loser,
Aside from a few brief and ill-fated relationships, I was single for several years. No relationship ever seemed to work out; it always seemed that one of us was far more into it than the other.
So far so good, right? Well, here’s the problem:
For the last few months I’ve been seeing this gal. I really, really like her; she’s beautiful, and smart, and funny, and we have lots and lots in common. The really awful part is that she genuinely seems to like me, too!
Complete Loser, I need your help; how can I screw this up?
Sign me,
Hiding from Happiness
Dear CL,
What’s Devil’s Haircut about, anyway?
Signed,
Curious
Dear CL,
I challenge you to a loser duel.
I SURRENDER!
Dear CL,
When are you going to get a haircut and get a damn job?
Love,
Dad
Will you go bowling with me? I need an ego boost.
Rooves, wow that’s tempting! And just two easy payments of only $39.95!! But everyone knows you can’t truly appeal to the loser without unsolicited testimony from other losers. Also, you need to advertise at key times during the day. 4am seems to be the time I’m most vulnerable to this sort of thing. My “How to Make Millions with Real Estate”, “The ForX”, “Government Loans for Anything” and “Start Your Own Christmas Tree Lot” information kits are proof of this.
jackelope, you’ll never reach the tier of Complete Loser without the added stress of unsuccessful relationships!! If she genuinely likes you, that’s good. Because the trick is not to get rid of her, but to keep her around. You’ll need her around to argue with, to spend your money, to nag you, and to piss you off! Make sure things don’t get too perfect. Forget her birthday, make out with her friends, and don’t forget to flip out a lot and treat her like shit. When she tries to leave, beg her to come bag. Then do it all again!
Ideally you’d like to find one who you are totally in love with and actually treats you like shit. But you’ll have to take what you can get.
Just remember that when trying to become a Complete Loser, a girlfriend who makes you hate life is better than no girlfriend at all!
**SnoopyFan (Dad)**Stop yelling at me!!! You never loved me!!! I wish you were dead! No wonder mom left you!
Really Not All That Bright, Sure we can go bowling! I love bowling! It’s the best thing to do on a Saturday Night. Especially the one with the Arcade. You’ll have to come pick me up though.
If you had to choose between sex with a real woman who loves you and surfing the internet for pornography, which would you choose?
Good old fashioned irresponsible unprotected sex with a real women. Whether or not she loves me is irrelevant. As long as the situation makes my life more complicated!
Sorry, but if you were a complete loser you would have chosen the porn.
Your credentials are seriously hurting now.
Dear CL,
I love my job, my car and where I live. I even love SDMB (well until Munch flamed me in the BBQ pit) anyway, I was wondering if you could screw things up for me. I’m getting bored with everything going right. I need some chaos to livin things up.
Your loser,
Kerri
ps. dippin dots are the shizzle.
pss. should you care to talk… IM me anytime you want. 
So tell me, should I crack that second fifth of Old Collie, or would it be better to go to work this morning?
Now, I don’t claim to speak for the Complete Loser himself, UncleBeer, but I can’t help asking whether it’s really necessary that this be an “either/or” situation? Why shut yourself off from the wonderful possibilities of “and”?
No way!! Porn will never prevent you from realizing your goals the way an abrassive relationship will. Porn wont get pregnant and prevent you from going to college. Or spend all your money, causing bills to go unpaid. Maybe you have Complete Loser and Total Geek mistaken. There should be a Total Geek Thread around here somewhere.
Tender_Betty, I understand where you’re coming from. Life can be very boring when everything is going well. It will be hard to turn you around since you love practically every facet of your life right now.
You will have to take baby steps. I suggest you start by crashing your car into your house.
When you feel you’re ready, get pregnant, take maternity leave and never go back to work. Welfare offers some pretty good deals nowadays!!! Spend the next few years living off the government waiting for your “big break”.
UncleBeer, most definitely you should finish that second fifth on your way to work. Don’t go taking a cab like those Partial Losers. Sitting in traffic behind the wheel is a good time to be downing shots. And stay away from the coffee when you get there, it can be a buzz killer.