Ask the Fox News reporter

For fair and balanced answers to your questions, you can ask me anything you want. Just to help get the ball rolling, I’ll offer a few topics that Fox News Dynamic Polls show are of importance to the American people. (Note: if you are not an American, I am shocked and confused.)[ul][li]Bush administration’s policies for recovering from the Clinton/Gore recession.[/li][li]The US led Coalition of the Willing liberation of Iraq, and the coming liberation of Syria, Iran, Pakistan, and Lebanon. [/li][li]The War on Brown People I Mean Terrorism[/li][li]The US State Department’s plans for a future United Nations[/li][li]Subversive treason by Hollywood’s lair of communist spies[/li][/ul]Remember, I’ll be fair and balanced. So, ask away!

All terrorists are not brown.
My question, Mr. Expert:

What is libertarianism?

Libertarianism is an off-shoot from the Democrats.

Although the Libertarian Party was formed by former Republicans, most Fox News experts agree that these were subversives who had failed in their efforts to infiltrate the Republican Party. Libertarians are typically disgruntled hippies who shoot guns and smoke pot. According to Fox News experts, the Libertarian Party is composed mostly of homosexual cross-dressers and other sexual deviants. They seem to have some grasp of economic issues, but are far out of the mainstream on social issues.

Where is the former Iraqui Information Minister?

No one knows for sure, but as coalition forces continue to amass a mountain of evidence concerning Iraq’s weapons of mass destructions and ties to Al-Qaeda terrorists, Fox News experts believe that Uhmad Said al-Sahaf is in the protective custody of either Susan Sarandon or Martin Sheen.

Have you uncovered any more evidence of Saddam Hussein’s communist ties?

communist ties-they’re all red !

Okay, so what does it take (credentials-wise) to become a Fox News Reporter?

Yes. More than you can imagine. So far, Fox News has learned from credible sources that Saddam had direct ties to Fidel Castro, Usama bin Laden, NAMBLA, Benedict Arnold, Judas, Madonna, and Beelzebub.

Why are we in a recession now and what will our Fearless Leader GW Bush do to pull us out of it?

Since this is mostly a slam on Fox News and/or the GOP (not that I personally mind on either account), it’s better off in the Pit.

Down the hatch!

What is the Fox News annual budget for eye makeup? (It’s OK to round off your answer to the nearest ten million dollars.)

To be a reporter or hold a news desk, you have to be young, good looking, dynamic, and well built. But to qualify as one of our liberal commentators, you need only to wear thick glasses, have unkempt hair, and come across as an elitist ass.

Why do I get dizzy when I watch “The No Spin Zone?”

Fox News experts believe that the Clinton/Gore recession was the result of runaway government spending, secret deals with communist China, and overall moral indecency. The impeached administration vetoed many bipartisan attempts to forestall a recession, such as the bill that would have banned partial birth abortions. Our experts say that the recession can be fought with a vigorous tax cut package directed at people with the means to invest along with packages that will subsidize faith-based charities.

A Republican party card, and knowledge of at least three Clinton jokes.

To the OP: Who is more evil, Bill Clinton or Osama bin Laden?

If you include Sheppard Smith, it’s a fairly high-budget item. Fox News normally does not disclose expenses on-air, but I think it’s appropriate here to point out that the president of CNN sold out to a murderous dictator so his network could have coverage inside Iraq. We do not waste a dime on propping up enemies of the United States. […fade to shot of flag in breeze, superceded by face of American soldier…]

I think my daddy’s copy of Playboy is broken, 'cause I’ve been looking at it for 3 hours and I still haven’t gotten a boner.

What should I do?

Fox News experts believe that it is most likely because you are an extremist left-liberal, and therefore perceive our fair and balanced coverage as insufficiently representative of your hatred for the United States.

This is difficult to answer. Our Fox News analysts point out that both are immoral, egomaniacal, and treacherous. Usama had his World Trade Center, but Clinton had his Waco. Your question would have been easier to answer had you included Senator Hillary Clinton.

This is something that you should discuss with your priest in his private office.