Well, Ouija sheet, really. It’s all-paper and all-knowing! Ask! Recieve knowledge! Impress your friends!
Dear GWTMOB,
What is the key to happiness?
Be careful. Here is my (true) story about Ouja boards.
Dear Eonwe,
The Makeshift Ouija Board says “Baquete”. At first glance, I thought TMOB was attempting to say “baguette”, and figured TMOB must be a poor speller and dyslexic as well. But this is not so! TMOB knows all! Googling gave me a whole lot of French websites, some of which were apparently food-related. This goes well with my “baguette” interpretation. So, the key to happiness is to eat French food. You can find french food almost everywhere these days! Some people will try to tell you that french fries aren’t really French, but they’re just silly food snobs who probably don’t like puppies either. Just be sure you get real french fries–happiness obtained from eating so-called “freedom fries” is fleeting and not all that salty.
Damn, that’s one seriously creepy story. Sad, too. If TMOB starts giving me anything other than nonsensical answers, I’m gonna go hide under my bed.
Dear GWTMOB,
Where did I leave my bracelet?
What am I thinking?
Will I make through Christmas this year without losing my sanity?
Dear BadBadger,
TMOB says “Jim”. Do you know any guys named Jim? Been over to his house lately? I think he might have stolen it. There’s also a possiblility that TMOB meant “gym”. I’d normally assume that my Makeshift Ouija Board would mean what it says, but I’m open to the possibility that I’m channeling a less than brilliant spirit here. That being said, do you go to a gym? If so, I’d suggest looking there first. This way, if you don’t find your missing bracelet while you’re at the gym, you can always get all buff while you’re there, which will come in handy when you beat up Jim for stealing your bracelet.
Dear CynicalGabe,
TMOB says TISQ. Sound familiar? No? It may have meant, “tsk”, as in “Tsk tsk, does Roshia really expect me to believe this crap?” But that’s fine, my cynical friend. Skepticism is only natural in the beginning. But now you can see. See the limitless power of TMOB!
Dear Kytheria,
TMOB says “no, migpest.” I think it’s trying to tell you that no, you won’t make it through the holidays with your sanity in tact, but not for the usual reasons. You’re going to get the plague of locusts for Christmas this year! The end is near, my friends! Only through giving Roshia large sums of money is there any hope!
What time should the turkey come out of the oven?
Will the peppermint mousse be a hit or a flop?
Is Alan going to stop being an asshole?
Will you go to Hell if you use a ouija board?
Is this a rash, or what?
Should I get my boyfriend a kilt or a Catholic schoolgirl plaid skirt with black patent leather shoes for Christmas?
Dear Ca3799,
For optimum turkeytastic turkiness, you should remove your turkey from the oven at 1:56.
TMOB says “bie more”. Buy more? Well, I think only you can really decide what this one means. Did you make the mousse yourself? If so, I hate to say it, it sounds like you should get thee to a mousse salesperson and buy some replacement mousse. If, however, you bought this mousse from the store, then it sounds like you’re in the clear. That is, of course, as long as you have enough mousse to go around–you know how those Thanksgiving guests can get violent when there’s not enough of a favorite dish. Be safe, buy more mousse!
Dear twickster,
TMOB says “maybe mufin”. Either TMOB has a pet name for you now, muffin, or it’s suggesting that you go get a muffin for Alan. It’s hard to be an asshole when you’re eating a muffin! I like the chocolate chip kind, myself. Could you grab me one while you’re out getting one for Alan?
Dear Malacandra,
TMOB says “yes.” Dammit.
Will the dog ever learn not to go on the carpet?
hands over muffin and a nice steaming mug of coffee
I prefer orange-cranberry – is that going to be a dealbreaker?
That all depends on what’s going to look better on the floor at the foot of your bed.
Dear GWTMOB,
Has my cat left hairballs/turds in locations in the house that I have yet to discover?
Hey there, GWTMOB,
I’d like some news from my dear departed Great Aunt Lidie.
And a word of caution, GWTMOB, I’ll probably know if you’re just making it up as you go along, so this better be the real deal.
