Do you have a rating system? How’d this session go for you?
Did you leave a mess of clippings on the floor, or did you clean them up?
Did you clip in a private setting or a public location?
Do you file the ends?
Nuh-uh. I never file the TNs. But if I did, I’d file them under R for Raggedy-Ass. Thanks for asking!
How close do you cut them?
I do not remove my toes from my foot, therefore I am very close to them when I cut them. Thanks for asking!
Which one of the toenails are the hardest (the smallest one, in my case)?
Not from where I’m sitting. It’s the Big Boys who consistently cause me the most heartache. They are tough sons of bitches. Thanks for asking!
What do you do with the designated clipping area during your off days?
By day, it functions as a lounge area for the hound; by night…only the shadow knows. Thanks for asking!
Ever dig the goop out from under the great toenail and smell it?
I sport no ‘goop’ under my great toenail, sir. Thanks for asking!
Have you ever pitched your toenail-clipping sessions to a network or production company as a reality TV show? If so, did you consider features like (a) Toe of the Week, (b) Crunchiest Clipping, and © Celebrity Guest Clipper?
I have indeed considered this. As a matter of fact, I’ve drawn up an overhead projector presentation of ‘Toenail Time!’, complete with accompanying Beatles music (Day Clipper, Happiness is a Sharp Clipper, Clip Together, Why Don’t We Clip ‘em in the Road, I Wanna Clip Your Nail, and the controversial Toenail Clipper #9). Thanks for asking!
Whenever I clip my fingernails, I invariably find a need for them within an hour. Do you find the same scenario with your toenails?
Of course. For this reason, I wait 61 minutes before sweeping them into the wind. I learned this one the hard way. Thanks for asking!
Do you have a preferred brand of toenail clipper?
I’m no snob. As long as your clipper is nicely balance, has a bit of heft to it, and is sharper than cheddar, you’ll not hear me scoff. Thanks for asking!
*How much shrapnel was there? *
This time, but a moderate amount. There have been past sessions, however, after which one could construct a sturdy dam from the debris. Thanks for asking!
*Are you ever afraid that you might accidentally cut off a toe, or two, or ten? *
I’d be a durn lyin’ fool to suggest that this does not cross my mind from time to time. A durn lyin’ fool, I tells ya. But like anything else where there is potential danger, precautions must be followed. Protocols must be heeded. First aid kits must be well-stocked and maintained. Thanks for asking!
*Do you have a rating system? How’d this session go for you? *
Yes, absolutely. I rate my sessions on a scale from 14-37. This latest go-round rates a solid 29. Thanks for asking!
Did you leave a mess of clippings on the floor, or did you clean them up?
As explained above, I allow 61 minutes for pangs of regret to abate; thereafter, the clippings are brushed away like cigar ashes on an ascot. Thanks for asking!
Did you clip in a private setting or a public location?
Semi-private. My neighbors – and their guests – have visual access (of which they rarely take advantage). Thanks for asking!