Ask the Poly person

[AHunter3]

@Omar_Little

Is it purely a sex thing, or does it extend beyond that to shared finances, homes, vacationing, child rearing, retirement planning, etc.

The latter, plus shared plans-in-common of other sorts, emotional bonding and building a life together & all that.

@Malthus

does committment to this type of lifestyle in fact require a lot of time and energy? Do you have to spread the amount of attention you would otherwise give to one person over two or more, or do you tend to simply double (or triple) the amount of attention you spend on relationship stuff?

Keep in mind that when you’re assessing the attentions you’d give to one person in a mono relationship, you’re (probably) assuming that they only have you. In theory, if you’re spreading your energy and time among multiple partners and your partners are also receiving the attention and consideration from their own multiple other partners and not just you, it sort of evens out. In practice I think it requires more.

The important tradeoff for me (not necessarily for every poly person) is that when you’re only emotionally immersed in one person, there inevitably will be times and situations where that other person is unhappy with your attitude or behavior or stance on something (or of course vice versa). And at that point it can be really difficult to assess whether you are being a quite reasonable person comporting yourself appropriately and lovingly who is having to deal with an unreasonable judgmental unfair partner, or if instead you are being a self-immersed jackass who is hurting the person you claim to love, who is being lovingly tolerant of you and waiting for you to realize what an utter jerk you’re making of yourself.

I tend to be plagued with self-doubts in relationships. (Your mileage may differ).

Within polyamory, I get something kind of like emotional binocular vision or something. If there are ways in which I tend towards selfishness or immaturity or inattentiveness, they’ll tend to manifest with all my partners and I’ll end up hearing about it from all three. Hmm, it’s me. If on the other hand it’s something that one partner alone complains about and the other two say no, I’m not complainably bad in that aspect of relationship, I’m more confident that it’s her, whoever she may be.

[xizor]

How much of a concern is there about STDs? If someone contracts herpes are they shunned by the community? Do you insist on testing or is everyone on the honor system?

[Lucretia]

Wow, you see what happens when you leave and go to adult things all day instead of hanging around here? Well, your thread explodes, that’s what. Anyhoo, off we go…

OneCentStamp:

The people we’ve swung with have primarily been couples, with a few singles here and there. I, personally, engage with mostly males, though I have with women from time to time, when it felt right in a group setting, or when the very rare female comes along that catches my interest on her own. I’m currently in the early stages of one such relationship now, we’ll see where that goes. My husband is sexually attracted to women only, and though he doesn’t mind other males in a group setting, he never engages them sexually.

We’re both pretty comfortably poly. Right now he has two girlfriends, and I have just casual friends, but that’s just due to the vagaries of circumstances and time. In a month or so, it could very well be me with more outside interests.

As for swinging, when we do it any more, it’s in the context of a party or club, so we’ll both be there, sometimes in the same room, sometimes not.

TriPolar:

I know you meant that in jest, and I’m not, actually, offended by it, but it does give me the opportunity to address a common misconception about people in open relationships. especially women, e.g., that I’m up for any sexual partner at any time. We pick our partners like anyone else does, because we found them attractive, either physically, mentally, or both. Just because we have more partners than usual doesn’t mean we’re indiscriminate.

YogSosoth:

We started by swinging, and we were both very much equally enthusiastic about that, and both enjoyed it equally. I was the one that first started moving toward poly, and that did cause some conflict. He eventually found that he enjoyed poly too, however, and now we’re both pretty equal in our enjoyment again. I honestly can’t see us ever actually returning to monogamy, but if one of us wanted to, then yes, I do see it causing some conflict.

Omar Little:

As regards the swinging, it can be a purely sex thing, though we have made several lasting friendships in that community, to the point where we have had joint vacations together. On the poly side, it can involve mutual vacations, some minor mingling of finances, and some future planning. My husband has a girlfriend in Japan (we just came from there) that he very much wants to move in with us/near us, and I totally support that. Neither we nor any of our current partners have minor children, so that’s not an issue, though if it came up, we’d handle it as per the individual situation.

Malthus:

Time and resource allocation is definitely an issue, and when issues of jealousy to arise in poly relationships (and they do, we’re human), that tends to be at the root of it. I think we both spend more time overall in relationship maintenance, and we tend to pay attention to the quality of time we spend with each partner. There’s no dilution of affection, as we believe that we can fully love more than one person at once, but time management can definitely be an area of conflict. You are right, however, it’s still waaaayyyy easier than sneaking around.

xizor:

Honestly, believe it or not, the swinging community tends to have extremely low rates of STDs. That being said, condoms are de rigueur at any swinging event I’ve ever been to. In poly, condoms are usual in the beginnings of relationships, but as they progress and trust develops, it’s common for the people involved to test, and then trust that particular partner to play safely away from them. In committed driads, or quads, etc, there’s a term called “fluid bonding”, wherein all members of the group commit to safe play outside, but omit condoms inside the group.

Whew! Okay, keep 'em coming, folks!

[AHunter3]

Ditto what Lucretia says about condoms.

[raventhief]

Do you know each other 's partners well? If one of you disliked a partner, how would that be handled?

Do you talk to each other about the various relationships - i mean, would you discuss with your husband any relationships issues you might have with your boyfriend?

[Lucretia]

We know each other’s partners to various degrees…part of our paradigm is that each relationship is an entity unto itself, and the other partner may or may not have a warm friendship with the other poly partner, depending on what ever organically develops. I’ve been friends with several of my husband’s partners, and vice versa. I’ve been cordial with some, too, and really, that’s all that’s required. However, yes, if either of us has relationship issues, we do discuss it with each other, because we’re friends, too, and not just spouses.

[Omar_Little]

Are there any movements/sentiments within the broader poly community to have poly-marriages recognized by the State?

[Lucretia]

@Omar_Little

Are there any movements/sentiments within the broader poly community to have poly-marriages recognized by the State?

Not that I’ve ever run across. The poly communities that I’ve interacted with all seem very happy to arrange their lives with a minimum of government involvement. I, myself, have no special urge to see that happen.

[Urbanredneck]

Since this is kept pretty secret from most other friends or family, is there the fear of being “discovered”. For example say one is on a date with a partner not their spouse. A relative sees them and assumes its an illicit affair and the rumor mill starts going. When confronted then do they do the “I have something to tell you” route?

Any interesting stories about this happening?

On that question, do you tell other family members like you tell your own children?

Should you go ahead and tell family about it ahead of time instead of waiting and hoping for/dreading, the day it’s discovered?

Do poly couples bring their others to family outings like family Thanksgiving dinner?

[AHunter3]

@Lucretia

We know each other’s partners to various degrees…part of our paradigm is that each relationship is an entity unto itself, and the other partner may or may not have a warm friendship with the other poly partner, depending on what ever organically develops. I’ve been friends with several of my husband’s partners, and vice versa. I’ve been cordial with some, too, and really, that’s all that’s required. However, yes, if either of us has relationship issues, we do discuss it with each other, because we’re friends, too, and not just spouses.

This is how it is in our polycule also. Other partners of one’s own partners are called “metamours”. We’ve tended to hang out and go to events together sometimes, but there are combinations of people who don’t get along particularly well, and it’s not a requirement that all your existing partners like any new partner, etc.

[Lucretia]

@Urbanredneck

Since this is kept pretty secret from most other friends or family, is there the fear of being “discovered”. For example say one is on a date with a partner not their spouse. A relative sees them and assumes its an illicit affair and the rumor mill starts going. When confronted then do they do the “I have something to tell you” route?

Any interesting stories about this happening?

On that question, do you tell other family members like you tell your own children?

Should you go ahead and tell family about it ahead of time instead of waiting and hoping for/dreading, the day it’s discovered?

Do poly couples bring their others to family outings like family Thanksgiving dinner?

It’s not, actually, any big secret. We don’t run about the streets yelling “Hey everybody, we’re poly!!”, but if it naturally and germanely comes up in conversation, we don’t hide it. My children know, my brother and his wife know, various cousins know, various friends know. The older members of the family, ie, parents, don’t, but only because there’s no pressing need for them to. They live several states away, and wouldn’t run into us by chance. I don’t dread the discovery by anyone, because I don’t have any reason to hide it. If you’re asking if other people who do fear discovery should tell ahead of the fact, well, that’s for them to decide in their own circumstances.

Some people do bring multiple poly partners to family gatherings. Our poly daughter has brought two partners to gatherings of my other daughter’s fiance’s family (I’ll wait while you parse that, heh), whom we socialized quite a bit with when we lived near them. They’re fairly conservative folk, but everyone was very cordial to them all. In all cases with poly, though, there’s no one size fits all, and people arrange those things according to their own circumstances.

[AHunter3]

@Urbanredneck

Since this is kept pretty secret from most other friends or family, is there the fear of being “discovered”. For example say one is on a date with a partner not their spouse. A relative sees them and assumes its an illicit affair and the rumor mill starts going. When confronted then do they do the “I have something to tell you” route?

Any interesting stories about this happening?

A3 and I once had a dinner party, to which A3’s at-that-time other boyfriend K was invited, along with his wife/other girlfriend E. Among the other guests was someone from our choir, to whom we were not out about the poly arrangement, and at one point she observed K kissing A3 rather passionately. Some several months later, the choir member expressed her opinion of K — “I have to say, I don’t care for him. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t think you have to be the keeper of his promises and what you do is your own business, but for him to be loving you up right there in front of his wife??”

So yeah we ended up doing the “I have something to tell you” thing with her, explaining that K’s interactions with A3 were fully known to E who had no problem with it.

On that question, do you tell other family members like you tell your own children?

Should you go ahead and tell family about it ahead of time instead of waiting and hoping for/dreading, the day it’s discovered?

Do poly couples bring their others to family outings like family Thanksgiving dinner?

In my case, my folks know about it. I’ve brought all three girlfriends down for Christmas to meet my folks and other family members. (My Dad has requested that I not bring more than one at a time and put him in an awkward position w/regards to explaining to visiting neighbors “This is my son, and this is my son’s girlfriend and uhh, so is this…”)

[YogSothoth]

Are the amorous excursions limited to only sex that one partner schedules or can one of them, for example, just come over and kiss you like if you were all hanging out. Do you ever do dinner and movie and sex like how a typical couple may do?

[Lucretia]

@YogSosoth

Are the amorous excursions limited to only sex that one partner schedules or can one of them, for example, just come over and kiss you like if you were all hanging out. Do you ever do dinner and movie and sex like how a typical couple may do?

As far as polyamorous relationships go, we are typical couples. We date, hang out with, and interact with our boyfriends/girlfriends just like any other couple would. If my husband and I happen to be in a group with other partners there, we don’t mind typical shows of affection…hand-holding, kissing, etc. We might ask that each other doesn’t full on makeout with the other person, but that’s just good manners in a social setting, unless of course it’s a specifically sexual setting.

[raventhief]

Do you regard your relationship with your husband as being …higher in priority than your outside relationships? In my head, when I have pondered this, it seems like the spouse would be (or should be?) the primary relationship, in a sense, while other relationships would be more secondary in nature. Or are all relationships equal in impact and importance?

Are there any ground rules in place? For instance, above I alluded to a girlfriend or boyfriend that one person takes on that the spouse actively does not like. If that were to occur, would any accommodations be made to spare the feelings of the spouse?

Earlier you said that you have not entered perimenopause yet—if you were to get pregnant, how would that be handled, especially if there was any doubt as to who the father was?

I really appreciate this AMA, and I hope my questions aren’t too intrusive.

[Lucretia]

@raventhief

Do you regard your relationship with your husband as being …higher in priority than your outside relationships? In my head, when I have pondered this, it seems like the spouse would be (or should be?) the primary relationship, in a sense, while other relationships would be more secondary in nature. Or are all relationships equal in impact and importance?

Are there any ground rules in place? For instance, above I alluded to a girlfriend or boyfriend that one person takes on that the spouse actively does not like. If that were to occur, would any accommodations be made to spare the feelings of the spouse?

Earlier you said that you have not entered perimenopause yet—if you were to get pregnant, how would that be handled, especially if there was any doubt as to who the father was?

I really appreciate this AMA, and I hope my questions aren’t too intrusive.

Your questions aren’t intrusive at all, I’m happy to answer them. It’s why I started the thread!

Yes, we do operate with a primary/secondary paradigm…we’re each other’s “Primaries”, and when there’s a conflict that can’t be resolved, either regarding time allotments or whatever, the decision always comes down on the side of the primary. That’s something we make very clear to any budding relationships. We do, however, make every effort to resolve such issues so that no one feels slighted. Not everyone operates this way, though, and there are poly people who regard all their relationships as equal in importance.

My husband has had at least on girlfriend that I actively disliked. In that instance, I tried very hard to respect the autonomy of that relationship, and remember that we both have the right to choose our partners. I didn’t always succeed, but I tried really hard. That relationship ended on it’s own, but if it hadn’t, I wouldn’t have pushed for it to.

While I haven’t entered perimenopause, I had a tubal ligation 15 years ago, and my husband had a vasectomy about that time, too, so pregnancy isn’t an issue for us. I’m sure it’s come up with other poly groups, though I’ve never personally heard of it.

[AHunter3]

@raventhief

Do you regard your relationship with your husband as being …higher in priority than your outside relationships? In my head, when I have pondered this, it seems like the spouse would be (or should be?) the primary relationship, in a sense, while other relationships would be more secondary in nature.

What you’re describing is not an uncommon model. It’s not the model I prefer, though, which is egalitarian poly, where there is no designation of any one relationship as “primary”. Obviously each relationship is going to be its own thing and develop at its own pace; there will inevitably be different (perhaps stronger) feelings in one relationship than in another, whether “at this time” or permanently, but I don’t like to make a structural difference.

I think it does make a difference that there is no “spouse” involved, that the poly relationships I am in did not any of them originate as a monogamous-couple relationship that got “opened” and then other boyfriends & girlfriends got involved with us, that sort of thing. Instead, these are all relationships that originated as poly relationships from the start.

[Urbanredneck]

If I may be blunt, why? I can understand one falling out of love with their spouse and getting a divorce. But it your case you all seem to be in love still with your spouse, yet you still feel the need to seek out other relationships.

So if you don’t mind, why?

[Urbanredneck]

@AHunter3

In my case, my folks know about it. I’ve brought all three girlfriends down for Christmas to meet my folks and other family members. (My Dad has requested that I not bring more than one at a time and put him in an awkward position w/regards to explaining to visiting neighbors “This is my son, and this is my son’s girlfriend and uhh, so is this…”)

I’m curious, were any of these girlfriends married? That would be odd if you introduced someone as your girlfriend AND they mentioned they had a different husband.

[Lucretia]

@Urbanredneck

If I may be blunt, why? I can understand one falling out of love with their spouse and getting a divorce. But it your case you all seem to be in love still with your spouse, yet you still feel the need to seek out other relationships.

So if you don’t mind, why?

Well, to start with, we found we had the capacity for it. We are able to fully love other people, and not have that take away for the love we feel for each other. I like to explain it like this…in all your other relationships where you love people, be they children or siblings or parents or friends, fully loving multiples of those people is considered perfectly normal, so why is it that sexual relationships are somehow excluded from that? For us, they aren’t,

Then, we discovered that these other people bring wonderful joy and richness to our lives. Every partner and relationship is a unique entity that has it’s own unique gifts. For instance, my husband has a Philipina girlfriend that’s a very good friend of mine, too. She’s a wonderful cook, and brings laughter and amazing food into our lives. And, it makes me happy to see how much fun they have together. I love my husband, and want him to have all the great things in life, including the love of other people. And, he feels the same about my relationships.

And thirdly…we, personally, don’t believe life long monogamy is a realistic expectation for humans, no matter how matter how much they love their spouses. We just don’t think we’re wired that way. And, we choose to embrace that, and make it a positive thing, instead of a negative.