Given the news about the data dump from the Ashley Madison site, and the current prominence of the subject of non-monogamy in the public consciousness, it seems timely to start this thread, one I’ve wanted to start for a while.
So, a little background. I’ve been married, mostly happily, for 28 years. We started swinging 10 years in, and kept up that paradigm of openness for another 10. We then slowly evolved (not without some bumps), into including emotions in our relations with others. Nowadays, though we still swing, we primarily focus on a few relationships with emotional attachments, ie, polyamory.
Well, that’s definitely not a question I was expecting, but okay. I’m only 48, and so far as I can tell, I’m not in perimenopause yet. Still have regular cycles, and no other symptoms that I’ve noticed.
I do know quite a few women in the community that are of the age to be menopausal, but I’ve never heard of it being any kind of issue.
Well, we have three, now adults. During their childhood and adolescence, we were discreet about it. We didn’t think they needed that kind of information about their parent’s sex lives. Our girls kind of intuited it during their late teens, but it came as a total surprise to our son when we recently “came out” to him. However, all three now know, and are fine with it. Our oldest daughter is actually poly herself, and self-identified as that before we actually formally told her about it.
As for other partner’s children, it depends on how they manage poly in their lives. Mostly it’s been discreet, but one of my husband’s current girlfriends is very open with her girls about it. Of course, they’re adults as well, which makes a difference.
We’ve never lived this way, but there are poly households, in which any number of adults live in communal relationships. In those, very often there are children being raised by the entire household.
I was thinking of starting an “Ask the Poly Person” thread myself. May I participate? I’ve been in ongoing committed polyamorous relationships since summer of 2010 so this is our 5 year anniversary.
(Lucretia if you’d prefer I didn’t clutter up your thread, I’m OK with that)
The people who swing or have swung into your life over the years, have they been primarily singletons? Other couples?
Do you yourself engage with males only, females only, or both? How about him?
In the case of most poly couples I’ve known, one member was “more” poly than the other: in other words, had frequent extramarital partners or relationships, while the other had few (or in some cases, none for years). Is your marriage pretty balanced in that regard, or is one or the other of you more of a wanderer?
Are you and your husband generally both present when swinging is taking place, or do each of you do it out of the other’s presence (but with their knowledge and permission, obviously)?
I’ve never dated or bedded down with a couple. I’ve done my own dating, always with one individual at a time.
Your question is obviously aimed at Lucretia but I’ll modify the genders & sexes accordingly. I have only dated female-bodied people, which is the pattern of my sexual attractions; my limited experiences involving sex with other males did not leave me wanting more of the same and I haven’t sought it out. My partner A1 is actually married to a female person but they aren’t sexual intimates, unusually enough; she occasionally engages in incidental sex play involving other females but as she puts it “sensation is sensation and one tongue feels like another”, but says that the pattern of her attractions is towards male people and doesn’t get hot for other females. Partners A2 and A3 are attracted only to male-bodied people and although they have some experienced involving other females that’s not how they’re wired either.
I myself am not married, never have been. I’d say the “most poly” person in our poly constellation is probably A1’s other boyfriend L, who would have 290 girlfriends if only he had Hermione Grainger’s time turner. My partner A3’s former boyfriend K would be nomination-worthy for similar reasons if he were still in the picture. Counting only me and the partners I’m directly involved with, A1 has been the most inclined to have frequent additional temporary partners. I have the most permanent/ongoing relationships, with three girlfriends, followed by A1 with two boyfriends (she’d like to have 3 and is dating around), then A2 and A3 who at the moment are only involved with me on an ongoing basis. A3 and A2 would also like to find other partners and have active dating profiles etc but for the moment are stuck with just me.
In my case, in my poly constellation only my partner A1 does the swinging thing. I’m occasionally present, her other boyfriend L is much more often present. I don’t swing, just don’t have much appetite for casual sex in real life, and neither do my other partners. No one needs anyone else’s permission at any time for any liaisons, though.
Thank you for those responses! I quoted only this last part in order to clarify (for Lucretia as well) that by “permission” I meant either a blanket “I know that you do these things and I am fine with it” or a specific case-by-case “you have a hall pass for this particular person or event,” as the parameters of your own primary relationship dictate.
No one in my “polycule” (of partners + their other partners + their partners’ partners) need permission on a case by case basis, and all have blanket understandings with everyone that if they wish to do things with someone, they shall. In practice, there are several overbooked people who would make other people unhappy if they took on another committed ongoing relationship. I would count myself as one of those people. It’s not that I don’t have “permission”, but that the people who are already in my life would question how I’m going to find time and emotional attention for everyone I’m with now and also add another person. For just bedding someone who is “of the moment” no one has any such considerations or concerns though; we’re all grownups and expect any of our partners might wish to avail ourselves of such an opportunity, and certainly haven’t promised anyone otherwise.
Mostly not relevant in my situation. There was no “you guys” who were a couple first and who then opted for polyamory. I met all three of my current partners as a poly person looking for other poly people. So there was no one “pushing for it”. Similarly, there’s no “return to being monogamous” since we have no such history.
My partner A3, I think, is not entirely happy with the overall situation, but the overall situation is that she is involved with one person (me) while I’m involved with two others, so she has all the disadvantages of mono (only having one boyfriend) along with all the disadvantages of poly (her partner is often off with someone else instead of being with her), so she’s getting the short end of the stick at the moment. But when asked, she’s said she isn’t unhappy with poly, she’s unhappy with the lack of parity.
I have one partner (A2) who has not ruled out the possibility of committing to a monogamous relationship with someone if she met the right person, although she’s also said “I don’t know if I could handle that”. Neither I nor either of the other two consider a future monogamous arrangement to be a likely option.
When I was younger, I thought being “poly” would never work (for me, at least) because of jealousy issues.
Now that I am older, I suspect that being “poly” would never work for me, because I would never have the time or mental energy. Hell, I hardly have the time or mental energy to do right by my wife as it is. How on earth would I manage more that one? I’d be worn to a frazzle in no time. [That goes double for people having affairs outside of a poly-type understanding, who have to do a lot of time and energy consuming sneaking around].
So I guess my question is this: does committment to this type of lifestyle in fact require a lot of time and energy? Do you have to spread the amount of attention you would otherwise give to one person over two or more, or do you tend to simply double (or triple) the amount of attention you spend on relationship stuff?
