[Disclaimer: I don’t have any deeper message here. I’m not trying to make some kind of point. I am writing this for no other reason that it damn ticks me the hell off when something I spend money on slaps me in the face like this, and even more so when none of the reviews, even the negative ones touched on what made it a travesty. So that’s it, I’m just plain venting and fuming and scrabbling for answers because this is something I feel just plain needs to be said, and if you all decide to ignore this, that’s fine by me. C’est la vie, que sera sera. Oh, and since this is 1. a thing I’ve never written about before 2. which touched some pretty raw nerves, yeah, this is going to be another of those long ones. You. Have. Been. Warned. :)]
Assassin’s Creed is the one ongoing series which has a game mechanic I can deal with, can keep me going for hours at a stretch, and is overall consistently good. That’s a rare combination these days, to the point where it’s one of the main reasons I saw any worth at all in buying a PS4 (and trust me, I’m not giving the XBox One or WiiU the time of day). To be sure, there have been annoying tasks, trouble spots, aggravations, what have you, but for the most part they have been at worst managable. The perfect example would be the legendary battles in Black Flag. They were tough, they were brutal, they were painful, but they were winnable and when I did win them, I felt a real sense of accomplishment, something I’ve rarely had in a video game (mainly because failing something 50 times and giving up screaming isn’t exactly an accomplishment). Aside from the music games, Assassin’s Creed is simply the most playable post-64 bit series there is, so much so that I’ve played even the execrable first one to death. Remember? The one with the all the whiny beggars and abusive derelicts and droning blabbermouths and whiny beggars and abusive derelicts and droning blabbermouths and abusive beggars and whiny blabbermouths and droning derelicts and begging drones and blabbermouth abusers and whiny abusive dronemouth blabberbegs? (Oh, and those guards always screwed up my missions, hated that.) Three complete playthroughs on PS3. And then a fourth on XBox 360…that’s right, I paid money for this piece of crap twice…to get all the trophies (PS3 doesn’t have any), BECAUSE I FELT LIKE IT. Assassin’s Creed, for me, was the quintessential sex/football franchise: When it’s good, it’s really good, and when it’s bad, it’s still pretty good.
And then came Unity.
Okay, first off, there was never any doubt that I’d get this. It was about $12 used at Gamestop, so cost wasn’t a problem, and I’d gotten so hooked to the story that I didn’t want any loose ends. I’d heard all the complaints but honestly wasn’t too concerned. Glitches? Well, it’s been a couple years, so they’d almost certainly be fixed. Bad co-op? I never was interested in co-op to begin with and refuse to touch it with a 10,000m pole after all the horror stories I’ve read; nonissue. Bland/ripoff hero? Admittedly Arno is as bland and generic as they come, but that’s tolerable as long as he can kick butt and make things happen (more on this in a bit). No naval battles? Bah, this was never about naval battles. If Ubisoft wants a naval battles franchise, they can make one. Cover mechanic messed up? I’d give more of damn about this if cover was more useful (again, more on this in a bit). British accents? Eh, you work with the employees you got, and besides, it’s tough to do a convincing French accent that doesn’t sound cheesy. The massive crowds and the different things they do really give the impression of a large, dynamic city (something which was never possible on the PS3), you can run all over the place without triggering lots of snivelling whining or cops taking exception, making it much easier to get around, adding rapid descent was a great, long-overdue idea, and I liked that I could restock on supplies in the middle of a mission without scrubbing it.
Those, regrettably, where the only good things about this game, and now it’s time for me to get into the REAL problems with Unity, what broke this into a hundred pieces and turned what should’ve been a stellar next-gen launch into a miserable, rage-inducing disaster. In order:
Dishonorable mention: Mission challenges
Damn this to Hell. Good lord, completing an assassination is painful enough, now you want me to do five triple-somersaulting backflip kills and don’t let anyone ring one of the fifteen alarm bells spread over the 20-acre estate? Look, I understand the purpose of these; they’re to encourage you to avoid taking the easy way out and reward you for your skill. Except that, one, there’s no quick 'n dirty method for ANY of the missions, and two, there’s no reward (other than a stupid trophy) for completing the challenges. Never mind the fact that as often as not the task flashes on the screen for about half a second during completely at random, which you won’t find out until you see the red font of failure at some other to-be-determined point in time. Gah! They are totally optional, of course, which is the only reason they (barely) miss the list.
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Freerunning follies
I’ll admit, Arno doesn’t jump in the wrong direction, grab the wrong thing, climb the wrong thing, land in the wrong spot, miss a jump, miss a slide, or miss a hay wagon that’s right flippin’ there as much as his predecessors, but it still happens way too often. Also, maybe this is just me, but I think an Assassin should not stumble or wobble off balance that freaking often. -
Working for hours and hours to get something purely cosmetic or worse than what I already got
Hey, remember all those sidequests Ezio or Connor did that were tricky or otherwise took a lot of effort, but at the end he got the good stuff? In Unity, there is no good stuff. That super-special suit that requires you to solve about 50 incredibly cryptic riddles and then complete three puzzles (which were pretty cool, actually; if it was just 6-9 puzzles and no goddam riddles, that would’ve been perfect)? Doesn’t resist blades better, doesn’t resist bullets better, doesn’t resist falls better, it is PURELY FOR LOOKS. Solving murders? Doing good-citizen tasks? Some money, maybe a piece of middling equipment that might’ve been a bit useful a month ago. There is nothing that makes Arno someone to be feared, nothing that’s impressive or mind-blowing, nothing that makes the going easier, and certainly nothing that can prevent Arno from getting squashed like an ant over and over and over and over (see #1). Literally the only reason to get “powerful” equipment is for trophies. That’s it. -
Purchases that come in three varieties: Feeble, feeble + overpriced, and feeble + ridiculously overpriced
This is one of the things that drives me nuts about a lot of Kongregate games, and it’s several times worse when it’s for something I spent real money on. Look, I’ll spell it out: The thing I spent 5000 livres for should be better than the thing I spent 1000 livres for…not technically better, not statistically better, not theoretically better, better in a way that is readily apparent and which will make it easier to accomplish what I want in the game…and the thing I spend 25000 or 165000 livres for should be A DAMN WHOLE LOT BETTER. As it was, I’m not convinced the numbers Ubisoft kept throwing on the screen actually meant anything. Unless, of course, I should get killed every bit as often and by the exact same enemies with three level 5 pieces of equipment and 3 level 6 pieces than I did when everything was at level 2. Needless to say, the problems in #1 never were the tiniest bit alleviated. -
Skill points, i.e. the tiny, withered carrot at the end of a massive stick that pounds you on the head repeatedly (and it’s not even a full carrot if you don’t play co-op)
Never mind the lady-or-tiger paranoia about getting the wrong thing (even worse because you can’t ever reassign points), never mind tying a chunk of this into to co-op…essential game elements should never, never, ever ever ever require any part of the hellspawned cesspool sewer toxic waste dump that is the online videogaming community…never mind this not making a damned bit of sense storywise (you get better by assassinating targets but not by completing essentially identical club missions?), never mind some of the skills being things you should get automatically (Environment blending needs to be purchased? Seriously?). No, the problem is that it takes too goddam long to get anything decent. It should not take three-fourths of the flippin’ game to become decent at lockpicking. Or double assassinate from ground and air. Or be able to last FIVE seconds in a fight instead of just TWO. -
Enemies with perception somewhere between Daredevil and Uatu
No kidding. They can detect Arno from absolutely ridiculous distances, often before Eagle Vision even picks them up. And it’s not enough to take cover, you have to be several feet from the edge of where a human being would be able to see to be hidden. They can hear running steps from like 20 feet away, too (ruining more assassinations than I can count). And sometimes you can be fully concealed and utterly silent, and someone nearby will spot you JUST FREAKING BECAUSE. Good lord, if the whole point is to be quiet and stealthy and efficient and blah blah blah etc., could the game at least put this within the realm of possibility? -
Arno CAN’T FREAKING FIGHT.
Yes, ideally Assassins would be as invisible as shadows, kill their targets and absolutely no one else, then vanish like the wind, never seen but always feared. And ideally the Vietnam War should’ve ended that “cheese eating surrender monkey” nonsense once and for all. The reality is, an Assassin has to know how fight. No, not “has to if he screws up”, has to, period, and this was true from the first game (remember that brutal gauntlet Altair had just to get to Sivert?). And everyone prior to Arno could. Let’s just run it down. Altair was a stone-cold, methodical butcher who swatted aside his foes’ feeble attacks and destroyed them, one by one. Ezio started out as a total warrior equally adept with fists, blades, bludgeons, and guns, who struck with blinding speed and mercilessly exploited his enemies’ weaknesses, turned into a superhuman death machine (massacring an entire army of guards on the bridge and then quietly looting their corpses on by one remains one of my most awesome videogaming experiences of all time), and finally a superhuman death machine who could kick his enemies in the shins. Connor wasn’t extraordinarily deadly, but he could hold his own against normal enemies, use double counter kills, and take a pretty good pounding. And Edward and Shay were just plain mean, mercilessly deploying their (very powerful, fast, and reliable) guns before casually sauntering in and carving up whoever was left.
The first thing I discovered fighting as Arno is that he’s goddam SLOOOOOWWW. His sword strokes and movements almost look like he’s underwater. His basic strikes hardly do any damage, either, and don’t improve very much with the sharper models. Against the hardier enemies, killing them doesn’t resemble so much a setting up a vital strike or even slashing them to ribbons so much as a clumsy 5-year-old flailing at a tee-ball. Worse, because it’s not always readily apparent whether a certain attack is parryable or not, a lot of attacks slipped through, and because Arno’s so clumsy, that only makes it easier to get tagged again. Bottom line, I ended up using lots…and lots…and lots of medicine on even routine fights. Charge attacks do more damage (not a lot of damage, just more), but, one, require skill points, and two, are incredibly slow.
Thanks to #4 and how heavily guarded most important places are, that means that the poor kid’s frequently going to find himself surrounded by a mob of foes. Which means that if he wants more a king’s chance in Versailles of surviving, he’s going to have to use smoke bombs. And that’s where the mandate of “Ruin everything that was the least bit fun!” mandate really hits hard. Because y’see, when Arno uses a smoke bomb in open conflict, he can’t use his hidden blade; he’s has to use his same slow, ineffective, clumsy, pathetic, useless, childish sword strikes against his completely helpless enemies. Which makes the process smoke bomb, carve up one or two guys, smoke bomb, carve up another one or two, and repeat until he tosses his last smoke bomb, whereupon it’s time to egress to the nearest shop, fill up again, and repeat the whole damn process. Or just get killed, which happened a lot.
But I suppose it’s worth it to drive home the point that Assassin isn’t supposed to be a brawler. And since dying resets everything (see #1), that point is going to be driven home over and over and over and over, so everyone’s sure to get it!
The last two are what convinced me to give Unity up for good, and they are both so utterly execrable that I can’t choose one over the other.
T1. Blam blam bang bang blam blam bang bang blam bang. (Alternatively: Take all that stuff I said about AC1 and replace every word with a gunshot sound.)
You may get the impression from #3 that I’m against the right of the Assassins’ enemies to bear arms. That’s not true. They should have the right to bear arms…just not the kind of arms that fire bullets. Not only do their guns pretty much never miss…which, combined with #4 and the lack of any real countermeasure to gunfire, means that Arno will get shot…each hits takes off about 45% health for starters. Later guns can knock off as much as 80%. If you face multiple enemies with guns (a very common occurrence in the level 4 and 5 missions), or someone draws a bead Arno while he’s climbing, jumping, or doing one of his many Funky Chicken routines, he will die. It’s that simple. I’ve seen him get shot to death before I even realized there were any gunners around. Enemy bullets in Unity are like bazooka shells in real life. With time, patience, and sufficient protection, you’ll be able to take on big swordfights (so long as there’s a shop around), but I guarantee that you will NEVER lose your fear of the guns; you can have 25 health and armor upgrades and they will still, STILL kill you in three seconds.
In addition to grossly unbalancing the game, this is just plain infuriating. It’s possible to get 98% of the mission picture-perfect, go into a place with those goddam cheap overpowered hellborn gunners, and die like a dog. And then you realize your misery is only beginning, because…
T1. If you die during a mission, you get sent right back to the freaking beginning
AAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGHHHH!!! No! No, no, no, no! Bad bad bad bad bad bad bad BAD! This…this diseased, warped, filth-encrusted relic should’ve been left to rot in the 8-bit era, but no, there had to be “challenge” or whatever crap. Look, it’s very simple. Complete a challenge, that’s a checkpoint. Complete an optional task, that’s a checkpoint. Perform the assassination, that’s a checkpoint, and of course save upon completing the mission. It takes a long time to get everything right, and forcing the player to do everything all over again thanks to one tiny, tiny mistake is incredibly frustrating and should never happen! No, forget it, I don’t want to hear it. Capcom didn’t know that putting remote checkpoints in Ghosts 'n Goblins would make it one of the most infamously difficult games of the era. SNK didn’t know that putting clothing damage in Art of Fighting, never meant to be anything other than a funny Easter egg, would contribute to a disturbing mentality among a good chunk of the fanbase. Ubisoft had three decades of console history to build off of. Mistakes have been made, lessons have been learned, bad ideas have been discredited, and at this point in time there are some things that everyone should inherently know should never again be put in a video game. There is no excuse for this.
And you know what the real hell is? Even with all the horrible mistakes Ubisoft made, even with the utterly insane drive to ruthlessly crush each and every last bit of fun, even with the knowledge that Arno’s a complete dead end (seriously, is he even mentioned in passing in Syndicate?) and I won’t miss him a bit, even with all that, if the game did nothing more than eliminate those last two items…the obscene lethality of guns and losing every tiny bit of progress after dying…I’d still be playing it now. And I’d be saving up those Skill Points and looking forward to lockpicking all those chests, and I’d tackle Return of Kings with relish, and heck, I’d play it through a third time just for the “do all the trainings” trophy. But that was the final straw. That’s why I’m stopping partway through my second playthrough, something I’ve never done with an AC game before. And all I can think of now is, for everyone that railed to the heavens about the British accents and glitches and co-op hassles and the lack of ship battles, all I can ask is…were these so terrible that you quit before facing a single sniper?