In fact I’m not even seriously planning children any time soon. But I do plan on marrying my current girlfriend and having children with her in the future.
We’re both agnostic (I’m tending towards atheism lately however) and were just wondering about what our children may ask us. The question came up on us after watchign an episode of raymond in which his daughter asks a question about life and heaven.
I’m certain questions such as “Where did grandpa go?” and “Where’s my hamster now that he died?” Will come up.
What should we answer? What would you answer?
My girlfriend incists that we tell them about heaven, and how when you die that’s where you go. Her logic is that it’s easier for a child to understand death as a transitional event, rather than an abrupt end.
I counter with my guess that they are then likely to expand on those questions: “Where is heaven”, “Who made heaven?”, “Who gets to go to heaven?”, etc.
So what will end up happenning is that we’ll have to expand on our lies ad infinitum, falling deeper and deeper into deception.
How have you and your (atheist or agnostic) family handled such a situation?
What other questions kids may ask about god and heaven can you come up with? And how might you answer them?
Of course I believe strongly that in the end, my children have the right to choose their own beliefs. And I will support their decision 100%. I do feel however, that they shouldn’t be indoctrinated into any faith at a young age, and that they should learn about religion at a time when they can truly analyze what they are being taught.
Perhaps I should stay out of this one, as I’m neither atheist nor agnostic, but perhaps the words “Well, some people believe…” and “… what do you think?” could be employed.
One problem I forsee however is again, in the expanding of the questions.
If I say that “some people believe in heaven” she is likely to ask more in depth questions which I simply may not be qualified to answer accurately.
I suppose accurate answers might not be that important to young kids…
I suppose giving some differing examples may work. Somethign like:
“Well some people believe that when you die you go to heaven, a beautiful place where you will be happy. Others say that you actually come back as something or someone else. Maybe a bunny, or a tree, in a cycle that never ends.”
I can see some prying questions coming from something like that though…
Additionally I don’t want to leave out my own opinion on the subject. That there IS no heaven. But how do I fit that in without confusing the child even more?
This is basically what my agnostic mom and atheist dad did with us. “Nobody knows for sure, but a lot of people think a b c, and a lot of people think d e f, and I think p d q, and your mother thinks x y z.” And we went to Unitarian Universalist Sunday School, where they teach you what other religions and sects believe.
I would have been extremely pissed off if I found out they’d ever lied to be about what they believed. My parents made a big deal about honesty, especially intellectual honesty.
I never found it confusing to know that grownups don’t agree about big ideas. I found it much more confusing to learn that some of my little friends believed that everyone agreed on these things.
Just tell them that Grandpa left because they were bad. Maybe some day, if they clean their rooms every day and always eat all their vegetables without complaining, he’ll come back.
Seriously, I think that you should tell them that Grandpa died, and that death is a natural part of life. You don’t know what happens after death, no one does. Some people think that dead people go to heaven, other people think they just go to sleep, but no one knows. I think it’s better not to lie or misrepresent your own beliefs. Unless you can use it to force them to clean their rooms.
I answer any and all religious questions with “some people think…” . My child is 11 now and is well aware of what I believe. Younger children are usually not looking for huge indepth answers. Like when a 4 yr old asks where do babies come from something simple like, out of mummies tummies, is all they usually want to hear.
When my husband died I told my son that I didn’t know where daddy had gone but that when the first star came out at night we could look at that star and think about him and daddy would know we loved him. He used that a lot as a little boy, now he’s older he doesn’t ask anymore.
He attends a church craft group because lots of his friends do. I’m sure he has heard all about heaven there and he is free to decide to believe whatever he wants to.
When my hamster died I was about seven. My dad told me that after we buried him, he would become part of the grass and the trees and everything else around him. It worked, and I’ve grown up un-scarred by the lack of good, solid Christian education. In fact, I think that’s what I’ll tell my future kids about when they have to face death.
Maybe it’s just me, but I don’t see that as a problem; like it or not, religion is a significant part of the world they will grow up into - kids naturally ask prying questions about life, death and all kinds of other stuff - there’s no point in trying to skirt around any of them, you just have to deal with it as it comes, in fact if the kids sense you are avoiding a topic they will be all the more curious.
Between the ages of three and eleven, every answer you offer (on any subject) will provoke at least one more question, usually more than one - the only way to stop them is duct tape across the mouth.
When they turn eleven, they stop asking questions because they suddenly know everything.
I believe that your goal of wanting to leave it all until they are old enough to decide is (while admirable) almost impossible to achieve.
When my mom told me about death, she never mentioned anything about the afterlife. For years, I’d lie awake with this feeling of sinking because I didn’t really exist and I’d just end. So, I highly suggest saying something. Nothing messes with kid’s minds (at least mine). Ditto on using the “Some people believe…” Kids might get a kick out of the idea of reincarnation so I’d definitely mention that. Unless your kid is really sensitive/imaginative. The type of kid who would never step on an ant or blade of grass in case it’s grandma. Tailor your talk to your child’s personality.
I would be wary of telling a kid that death is like going to sleep. You can set up a lot of sleep problems like that, and some kids get frightened to let go and go to sleep.
I think telling a kid outright - “I don’t know, what do you think?” is a good idea. And telling them what other people believe is good too.
Little kids will ask questions but will be satisfied with very short answers, and indeed will not hang around very long after the first sentence or so! The questions will be repeated at intervals over many years, so you will have plenty of time to expand on your opinions and discuss stuff with your kids.
My now-six year old at about three and a half witnessed the funeral of a goldfish conducted by neighbours. He was very disturbed by some aspects of it, and asked me about it that night before bed.
“Mummy, why did they put that fish in the mud?”
So I explained about it dying, and how it needed to be said goodbye to and buried.
“Well, where is it now?”
I wasn’t ready so I just said “In heaven.”
Then kid thinks a bit and says “I know, when you plant a seed, it grows into a tree. That fish is going to grow into a great big SHARK!”
My father died when my daughter was 4. We didn’t have any of that “where did he go” business. I just explained my father died, explained how it happened, and that was it. She didn’t ask about heaven or seem confused about where his “soul” went.
To answer the question about talks we’ve had about religion, I’ve used the lines “some people think…”
I’m also careful to try and explain several different religious beliefs on whatever subject we’re talking about (God/s, heaven, death, rules, etc)
I dunno, for children who are too young to comprehend life and death, I think it might be easier to just say “X has gone away” and/or “X is sleeping.” At least it’s worked for my three-year-old so far.
For older kids, though, I’d definitely just give 'em the facts, cycle of life, natural event, yadda yadda.
I would feel like a hypocrite if I told my son something I didn’t believe myself.
My husband and I are both non-religious, and my son has lost his grandfather (and soon, his grandmother too). I told him (he was five) that nobody really knows what happens after, but lots of people THINK they know. You get to find out when you die, and since I haven’t died yet, I don’t know either. If it’s just nothing, it would be like how it was for you before you were born…
He seems to be OK with that.
I would second the folks who suggest not using the idea of “sleeping” for death. Might give some kids sleep problems.
As you will end up owning every disney movie ever made, just refer them to the scene in The Lion King, in which little Simba has this conversation about eating animals with his father. Something like:
Simba: Don’t we eat the antelopes?
Mufasa: Yes, but when we die our bodies become the grass, and the antelope eat the grass. Yadda-yadda-yadda, circle of life.
I usually don’t like disney, but I always liked that exchange.
Ms. D. and I are both atheists. 3 kids, ages 15-12. We always made it a point to answer any question our kids asked to the best of our ability. Whether it led to an additional questions or not. And if we didn’t know, we would say so. I seem to recall frequently saying something along the lines of "Well, looks like we’ve bumped into molecular biology again, which I know nothing about. But if you really want to know, I’ll help you look it up."
On religion, we always do the “some people believe…” route. But we do not stop at there. We have no problem telling the kids that we do not believe in heaven, and we see no convincing reason to believe it is anything other than a made up story, like most other aspects of organized religion. And then we discuss the personal and cultural reasons that people might get comfort out of making up such stories.
But we feel it is very important not to hide the finality of death from our kids. They accompanied us to wakes for neighbors and relatives when very young. In our opinion, acknowledging that you only get this one brief shot at life gives you all the more reason to squeeze all of the joy and wonder out of the time you have. And it gives young kids a reason to not engage in overly risky behavior - drugs, guns, etc., if they realize that they are not immortal, and that certain poor choices can have permanent unpleasant results.
I guess I should temper my proclaimed honesty with my kids by saying that I did go along with them believing in santa, easter bunny, tooth fairy, etc. IMO, those are harmless fun aspects of childhood, which they would grow out of all too soon.
I think you’ve been given some excellent suggestions, Kinthalis. My only suggestion would be for you and your (future) wife to be on the same page as to what you’ll tell the kids.
Note: I am not saying that you have to be on the same page as far as what you yourselves believe, and I think that it’s perfectly appropriate for you as parents to share what you believe with the kids.
However, I think that if you want to allow your kids to decide for themselves, it’s sort of detrimental to have one parent saying something along the lines of what has been suggested to you here, and to have the other saying something like, “Yeah, yeah, whatever–there is no God, there’s no Heaven, there’s no reincarnation. When you die you’re worm food and nothing more–you got that, kid?” (or, conversely, “Don’t listen to your father, or you’ll make the baby Jesus cry and go straight to Hell!”)
