Some background. I’m a pretty solid agnostic living in what may be one of the most agnostic country on Earth (Japan). As such, religion does not play an important part in my children’s lives. As a matter of fact, it plays virtually no part. The local religions, Shinto and Buddhism, do not require or demand faith. When you visit a shrine, you wash your hands, clap, bow… Because that’s what you do at a shrine. That’s about as deep as it goes for most people.
The other day, we drove past a Catholic church and they were having a big barbecue. My kids wanted to go but I told them it was probably only for people who went to that church. This, of course, prompted the question: “what’s a church?” I answered: “it’s a place where people pray.” “Pray?”
I saw where this was headed and I managed to change the subject because I didn’t have good answers to the questions that would have followed. Exactly what I tell my kids is something I’ll have to figure out by myself. (One of the advantages of living in Japan is that I can be pretty sure someone else isn’t going to do it for me.)
However, it made me curious as to how other people approached the topic with their kids. Whether you’re a religious person or a hard-core atheist, whether you’re a parent or an armchair quarterback, what do you think is an appropriate answer when a pre-schooler asks you “what’s god?” What do other people around you say?
What I told my kid, pausing after day sentence, was “Some people, like your Grandma, believe there’s a God who created everything. Some people, like your Grandpa, don’t believe there’s a God. And some people believe God had a son, and some people don’t. And some people believe there are a lot of different gods: one in charge of oceans and earthquakes, another one in charge of lightning, another one in charge of volcanoes; again, some people – like your Grandpa – don’t believe any of that.”
I knew I could count on the snark. And to be honest, the reason I didn’t answer my kid’s questions is because I wasn’t sure I could think of something that wasn’t cynical.
The Other Waldo Pepper: That’s probably the line I would take if everybody in my kids’ lives wasn’t a functional atheist. I also know that younger children are going to ask “what’s a god?” Is it like a person? Is god a giant? Like Ultraman?
(It auto-corrected “each” into “day”? That’s just weird.)
I dunno. I guess I’d have left out the part about individuals: “Some people think there’s a God who created everything. <beat> And some people think there is no God. <beat> And some people think God had a son who could walk on water, and bring the dead back to life, and make lots of fish sandwiches out of a few fish sandwiches.”
A private club describes a lot of houses of worship, a lot of how their members view the world, and a lot of how the world views them back.
Yes, The Other Waldo Pepper had a better way to tell younger children, but I’m not so sure that I deserved your attack or derision given that I simply and politely answered the question which you asked.
I don’t remember my parents ever explaining this to me. At some point they’ll pick it up. Maybe the right answer is “I don’t know”. On the other hand, you don’t want them to get fire and brimstone from some religious nut unprepared.
Start with answering the question. Just the question. Sometimes, that’s all they want to know.
“Pray?”
“Prayer is how some people talk to god. They ask god for things they want, or thank god for the things they have.”
“Are we getting ice cream today?”
Sometimes, of course, it will lead to a further discussion, and that’s when you keep answering the question that’s asked until your Lecture Mode is turned on when it turns out you do have something to say. But if you really want to hear some interesting things, don’t tell…ask them what they believe.
“Pray?”
“Prayer is how some people talk to god. They ask god for things they want, or thank god for the things they have.”
“What is god?”
“Woah, that’s a big question. People have all kinds of idea about that. Some people think that god created all the plants and animals and people and the whole earth. Other people think that there is more than one god and people who have gotten very very smart and very good become gods after they die. Some people don’t think that there is a god at all. There are lots of ideas about god. What do you think?”
“Mrs. Jones says Jesus is god.”
“Yeah, that’s pretty common. Lots of people believe Jesus is god. What do you think?” shrug “Do you think Jesus is god?”
“I think Jesus was a very wise man who said a lot of good things about loving other people and taking care of those less fortunate than you. I think he was a good teacher. But, no, I don’t think he was god. I’m not sure I believe in god at all. But sometimes I like to go sit under a tree and think about all the good things in my life. That’s my kind of prayer.”
“Sometimes, at recess, I like to sit under trees.”
“Good! Trees are nice and calming, aren’t they?”
“Yeah, and squirrels are funny. I like to watch the squirrels. Why do squirrels have big tails?”
^Pretty much a transcript of a theological conversation my son and I had when he was 4 or 5.
Honestly, I think we agnostics have an easier time at this than religious folks. There is no wrong answer. There’s no risk of getting caught in a logical paradox. There’s lots of “some people believe X, some people believe Y, what do you think?”
I might have been tempted to answer that question with something like “A church is like a big extended family.” I might go on to explain that outsiders sometimes join the family, but they’re expected to believe and do certain things.
Surely there are resources available online for both what and how to teach kids about religion. Even though I’m Christian and it’s written by and for atheists, I actually like this article I found: What Should I Tell My Kids About Religion?
I’m a non-believer. I have a nephew. My stepmother takes him to her church, which my friends and I refer to as “the church that hates people” (it’s an Anglican church based in Rwanda or something – started because of the flap over the gay Bishop). And The Kid goes to private schools of varying religiousness.
Anyway, years ago my stepmother got that misty-eyed look that some people get when thinking about children and Jesus, and told me that The Kid “loooves Jesus so much!” And I said, of course he does, he’s five, and Jesus is basically an ecclesiastical Santa Claus.
Fast-forward ten years. So far, The Kid hasn’t asked me what I think. I assume he knows I don’t go to church, since stepmother likes to talk about all the ways I’ve “failed” to be “normal” (I don’t have kids; I’m not married, I don’t go to church).
Since he’s 15 now, I assume the subject will come up at some point.
Well, that’s my general belief, but I don’t think I’d use that as an explanation for a child. Well, I might, but maybe not that bluntly. “It’s where people who think the same things about God go to, um, hang out.”
I’m not good at religious talk. I thought all the Bible stuff was unlikely when I was 9 years old and mom decided we should all go to church. I still think it’s all unlikely.
Sorry, I should have put a smilie in there. I just meant that there are a lot of people here (me included) who hold cynical views on religion. No attack meant.
This is something that actually worries me a bit: how do you describe god to a five year-old without making him sound like a super-Santa… or something really, really scary.
Well, you know the feeling when you tell your friends what presents Santa got you on Xmas morning. Well, Christians believe they are blessed with gifts every day, and they too love to tell their friends how happy they are with their gifts.
I always started my answers that way, too. I knew that the kids would then ask, “Do you believe that?” “No, but some people do.” I answered their questions directly and without sarcasm or snark but still got the message across that it is all utter rubbish.
I talked with my kids about how “some people believe . . .” and compared that with what I believed. For a while my daughter attended a local church where her best friend went. I asked her once what denomination the church was. She told me Catholic, and that Pastor Nicole was very nice. My son, when he found out they had snacks, went along. Before long my son became more interested in sleeping in on Sunday. Shortly thereafter my daughter decided church wasn’t for her. Both are successful grown-ups today.
Some people believe… is definitely the best way. Then add to it depending on the questions your kid asks. I admit that saying “some people believe” is kinda like saying “I don’t believe,” but it’s the best you can do, really - even believers who want to keep their kids open-minded and come to their faith themselves do this occasionally when talking about other beliefs.
My daughter went through a profound religious phase when she was about 7 or so, but she grew out of it. It was fascinating at the time, though, because she asked all the questions any believer ever asks. She even came up with the blind watchmaker stuff on her own, so being prepared for that helped; if she was going to be a believer, she was going to be an informed one.
When my son was 5, we were exploring educational options, and I heard that a local church group was considering starting a parochial school, so my wife and I went to a meeting just to hear what they had in mind. Families were invited to bring their children, there would be a child care room during the meeting. Afterwards we asked our son if he had fun playing with the other kids. Not really, he said, they swore a lot and were kind of mean to each other.
Which relived us of some of the burden to bring religious fellowship into perspective for him.
Exactly; either Super Santa or Big Brother from 1984.
Omnipotence is a strange concept and leads to questions like “Does God sleep? How does he watch everyone? Does he know that Spot pooped on the floor? Does he know that you said a bad word when Spot pooped on the floor?”…
We had the “some people believe…” talk. We had the “some people like to get together on the weekends …” talk. We even went to some churches to give them a fair chance to make their cases. We let the kids go with other families too. There seems to be a feeling among the religious that atheists make new atheists by indoctinating their kids to hate religion. That is not the case with anyone I lnow.
Bolding mine. I wish people wouldn’t use this affectation to suggest that atheists are all some kind of militants when, in fact, there are legions more hard-core religious people out there. They have meetings every weekend and often during there week too, they publish thousands of documents on the subject and they even knock on my door periodically to tell me about this religion stuff. That’s hard-core. When an atheist knocks on my door to give me a pamphlet about a weekly meeting then we can call that guy a hard-core atheist. I’ve never met one.
What’s a church? It’s a club house for people who belong to a particular club.
What’s a god? A figment of humanity’s collective imagination. But one that some people find attractive.
etc.
The older the kid the more detail you can apply to the topic.
And the more the kid digs into the “Why?” questions or the omnipotent what-ifs, the easier it is to expose and explain the essential silliness at the core of it.
