It is quite common and acceptable to specify attire on the invitation. Of course, many (if not most) people probably don’t, leaving attire to the best judgment of the guests.
The last two weddings that I went to (my daughter’s and a nephew’s), I wore a lounge suit and tie, and that was what most of the men wore. Some younger men just wore jackets, without ties, and that was fine, too. If you are expecting men to turn up in black tie, I think you need to specify it on the invitation. (And if they are like me, they’ll have to rent the suit, since they won’t own one).
People are morons. You have to specify. “Black Tie Optional” is perfect.
Hopefully that’s not an either/or question.
In terms of wedding attire, suits and dresses are a different category from gowns and tuxedos. If suits and dresses are fine, you might even be referring to semi-formal rather than formal. So first give some thought to what you really expect, then clarify it. There are only so many people that my husband and I would go to the trouble of a gown and tuxedo wedding for. Those are clothes a lot of people don’t already own. Is the expectation perhaps that the wedding party dress formally, but guests will be semi-formal?
When my daughter got married, her husband’s brother showed up in shorts, polo shirt, no socks. Said brother is over 40, so not a dumb kid. Rather, a dumb adult. The family pic of the wedding is just charming… :rolleyes:
So, yeah, sometimes you need to make it clear.
I think this can be a problem with 1) ‘nature’ weddings 2) where guests are IT types* and 3) where the people are bringing younger kids
I just went to a wedding last weekend at a place here in San Diego called Santee Lakes, which is an otherwise nice setting in a somewhat more blue collar area of town that caused some additional confusion. Because it was at a park, some guests came in a polo shirt or worse. Some guests were the aforementioned IT types who don’t own a suit but obviously still wanted to go to their friend’s wedding, and I can’t fault them for that I suppose, but I think it behooves everyone to own at least ONE nice outfit. And then you had the people who were dressed nice, but figured since they would be at a park, that the kids could dress like slobs because they’d probably just get their nice clothes dirty once the dancing started, at which point they would roll in the grass, find a sandbox, etc.
- Before you open a Pit thread because you are reading this, are an IT guy, and happen to own 10 tailored Armani suits, please recognize that I personally believe you are more the exception than the rule and I am in no way saying all people in this category are total nerds.
I wouldn’t wear a tux to a wedding unless formalwear was somehow indicated as acceptable for fear of appearing pretentiously overdressed and being mistaken for a groomsman. If you want people to feel free to wear gowns and tuxes, “black tie optional” is perfect.
Specify the attire on invitations.
I own a tuxedo, but would never wear it to a wedding as I’ve been informed it’s rude to do so unless in the wedding party. So, I usually wear my green doublebreasted suit. I’m showing up in that or even an outfit with no jacket (Some of my formal synagogue outfits are just a really nice shirt and matching pants). If you want me to wear a tuxedo, ask for it.
Yes, definitely specify. If only out of pity for people like me, who would be going nuts trying to decode formality level out of the time/location/people involved/last three weddings attended. I’m pretty sure that I wouldn’t end up going with “formal gown” without clear instructions - what if I guessed wrong?
I forgot to mention. You seem to place great importance on this being an “evening wedding”. This phrase signifies to me only the time of day and that dinner will probably be served. It means nothing in terms of relative formality. It’s a wedding so I’m supposed to dress up. If you want me to know how dressed up I’m supposed to be, tell me clearly in no uncertain terms.
If you care what people will wear, then it is your responsibility to be explicit about it. If you aren’t explicit, you should expect variance from your preference.
If this is what you say, then expect that someone will take it literally and show up wearing whatever the hell he or she wants.
Look, you’re talking about other people. Other people consistently fail to read one’s mind or to have different ideas regarding social conventions and terms of art.
If you want people to show up in tuxedos or suits, then my advice for you would be to say –
Dress: Tuxedo [dinner jacket] with black tie or business suit [lounge suit] and tie
If you fail to be as explicit as possible, then you should expect to be disappointed.
People have gotten increasingly casual. Ties and dresses (with panty hose!) used to be the norm. No longer. I always wear a dress to weddings, but would never think to wear a gown unless it was indicated as a black tie affair.
Making it black tie dramatically adds to the cost they are incurring to attend a wedding. They should expect many guests who might have otherwise attend to decline both attending and (by extension) giving a gift. There are only so many people who I’d buy a $200+ dress and $100 gift for.
The bride and groom should quit trying to micromanage what their guests will wear and focus on the big picture, which is celebrating their union with their friends and family.
(OP, I gather this is not your wedding, right? Just of someone you know?)
To add on the rest, I think that specifying “black tie” isn’t just about dress expectations, it’s also what kind of reception the couple is having. When I hear black tie I assume this will be a very elegant party – with classy music, fancy food, meticulous waitstaff, etc. Otherwise, if it were a typical but perfectly nice reception, then guests could wear their typical but perfectly nice wedding clothes.
So it could be that whoever you know that keeps mentioning “black tie” is just excited[/bragging] about how fancy the party will be, and not trying to drop hints for the bad dressers in the crowd.
Yes. At a wedding I attended a couple of years ago a relation of the groom came to the wedding and reception in jeans, a t-shirt, and a ball cap. It was an evening wedding at a hotel with a sit-down dinner and all the trimmings. All the other guests kept asking who the dumbass was.
why do you need all of your guests to be in gowns and tuxes anyway? I do dress up for weddings, but if I thought I was expected to wear a red carpet gown, I likely would decline the invitation.
This is exactly what I always think when I read threads about dress codes. In my view, a wedding should be viewed as a social celebration, not some kind of public performance art in which there are strict expectations for each person present in terms of costume, etc.
But, the OP wants a dress code. It’s certainly the OP’s right to try to get what he or she wants. I guess the only real advice I have is – regardless of what you do, you should expect to be disappointed in someone’s choice of attire. C’est la vie.
Is there a proper way to tell the guests “no black, please” . I really hate seeing balck at an afternoon wedding.
If you don’t want people to wear black, then say Please don’t wear black.
Unless you have some kind of power to punish people for dressing in a manner you don’t like – your boss can fire you for inappropriate dress or a judge can cite you for contempt of court – then essentially there is no really “proper” way to boss people around.
This almost happened to me. My mother-in-law was getting married in the backyard, poolside. When I asked what to wear she said to wear whatever I wanted to. It wasn’t until I found out that she was wearing a tea length cocktail dress that I knew I shouldn’t wear poolside attire. My father-in-law-to-be’s two daughters showed up in shorts and t-shirts (not good ones, either.) I can only assume they were told to wear whatever they wanted, too. The family pictures are awful.