Possibly, although we have both agreed many times that P is practically terrified of spending anything at all, which I’m not.
That last sentence is what I’m getting at. If it–whatever it is–seems worth it to me, I will shell out. If it isn’t, I won’t.
Interesting topic.
My parents were frugal to the point of obsessiveness, probably because of the hard times they experienced as youngsters during the 1930s. My mom planned an entire week’s meals, for example, shopped once a week except for home delivery of bread & milk, and stuck strictly to her list. We bought new clothes when we had saved up enough to pay cash or at least already had the money in the bank for when the credit card bill came.
This came to be somewhat modified when they were older, kids out of the house, and developed some health problems. The doctor told my mom that her heart defect was really being strained by hot weather. She resisted paying for air conditioning. My dad, having recently had bypass surgery himself, finally realized, “What are we saving for?? We could be dead tomorrow! Why not spend for something we want and need?”
My husband is both the same and different. His family became refugees in eastern Europe, fleeing the Nazis, when he was about 6 months old. They did not have a settle home of their own until they emigrated to the U.S. when he was about 10 years old. As a result, he has had just about enough of pressing his nose against a store window wishing he could have the toys or food inside. If he wants something and has the money, or believes he will have the money within a reasonable time after the bill comes due, he buys it. The definition of “reasonable time” is very elastic. At the same time, he doesn’t like to pay for something if he thinks he can do it himself.
When we were first married, this caused a bit of a conflict. Another couple we knew at the time was similar, but with reversed roles. We used to joke that if “B” and I were together we would have a ton of money in the bank and be living on macaroni and cheese 7 days a week, but that my husband and “P” would be living the good life and in debt over the eyebrows hoping for a windfall on something.
Over the years we’ve both moderated our views and developed a compromise that seems to have worked out pretty well.
[quote=“vivalostwages, post:20, topic:599881”]
Can I ask how the topic of the price of the fair came up? If it is a source of tension between the two of you, it might be best just to avoid the topic of money and what things cost.
Adding another interesting observation. We have two daughters, both of whom are quite intelligent. One can handle money just fine. The other one, money just seems to run through her fingers.
When the more financially astute daughter was away at college I provided her with a monthly amount for expenses, which I would deposit in her bank account at a local branch. She also had a part-time job. She mentioned in passing one time that she had some bills to pay so she was going to the bank. I asked why she didn’t just mail a check. Oh, she was going to do that; she had to go to the savings bank, where she kept money she didn’t need to use yet, where it got some interest, and then transferred it at the last minute to cover the checks. And yes, she had researched all of the banks in her college town to get the best deal. Nobody advised her to do that, it just seemed to her like a good idea.
Now, both of these kids were raised in the same household by the same parents, in the same basic financial condition. Why did one get a kick out of compound interest and the other doesn’t? Beats me.
[quote=“madmonk28, post:24, topic:599881”]
It probably just came up in conversation randomly. Funny thing: L has mentioned that Seaport Village in San Diego is one big clip joint (which it is), but apparently I’m not supposed to say the same thing about other places. So yes, I agree…I will try to change the subject if $ come up again.
Thanks, sorry I wasn’t trying to snark, I was just curious. I have friends who definitely have certain topics that are not two way streets, they are allowed to talk about subject X, but I’m not. It’s always a balance deciding how much of a pain in the butt a friend can be before they aren’t worth the effort.
Some people like things that happen to entail a monetary cost. Some people (perhaps you) like things that may entail a different kind of cost. Time, maybe? Or attention? Labor?
Suppose you enjoy jigsaw puzzles and would gladly spend whole afternoons putting these things together. To you this would be big fun and time well spent. But to her, it would be a gigantic waste of time and energy relative to the fun she could get out of it.
Would you be bothered–if even just a little bit–if she told you puzzles were ridiculous wastes of times, despite the fact that you clearly enjoyed them?
I think she’s calling you a “biddy” because she thinks you’re focused on the wrong thing. People find activities enjoyable not because they’re cheap, but because the activity itself is fun. Worrying about is how much fun is gonna cost you–whether in terms of money, time, or whatever–is a surefire way to lead a boring, unfun life. And that’s really what she’s calling you out on.
My brother and I are the same way. Only two years apart. I’m younger. I am pretty awesome with money, even teaching my financially-responsible folks a few things. My brother has serious problems with debt. And not school or medical debt but stupid choices debt.
We’re to the point now where he’s finally listening to me about money (we’re in our early 30s) but I think it’s because he’s desperate.
Genuinely curious: Do you have any guess as to where you acquired this trait? Did some particular person or situation influence you? Or why your brother has problems when you were both raised by financially responsible people?
I think it’s more of personal attitudes that have more to do with stuff other than money.
My brother is a bit of a “prince” and things always turn out his way. He doesn’t have to worry - it will work out ok. He also likes to be self-indulgent. Good food, good entertainment, good clothes and shoes.
Me, I’m a worrier and self-loathing. I was able to save so much money because I never once thought I “deserved” to go out to eat or have new clothes. I keep savings for worry that I will need it. I never assume anyone is going to bail me out. I don’t go for material things at all.
How we ended up so differently attitude-wise, I don’t know. Well I guess it has to do with birth order and gender.
My parents are financially responsible and thus can bail my brother out. THEY often wonder aloud where they went wrong with him too.
My brother and I are very close in every other way. We like similar music and have the same politics, sense of humor, taste in entertainment, etc. We’re just coming at life with different attitudes…about ourselves?
Yes, not keeping track of your money is a surefire way to have a fun life–until the money runs out and you become miserable because you can’t make the ends meet.
Now, I personally think that a balance is necessary, but I also felt I needed to combat the certainty in your post that the friend is right and the OP is wrong. All they are disagreeing about is where the line is drawn.
As for my advice: I can’t say I’ve ever had any friends who would actually tell me that something isn’t expensive. But, then again, they always make a lot more money than I do, so they know it would be rude.
Uh, no. My post conveys no certainty that she’s right and the OP’s wrong, so you have nothing to combat except maybe your own false perception. I’m just explaining what I think her perspective is.
I find plenty of fun things to do, including the occasional jigsaw puzzle, as yyou with the face mentioned. I absolutely understand when others say they have no patience with such puzzles. I don’t call them drips because of it, though.
And yes, cost is a concern when there are other considerations, like paying bills, utilities, groceries, and so on. There are many fun things I would love to do but must pass on.
I’ver never quite understood why some people say, “Well, it costs what it costs, so just pay it.” If the cost of the insurance, activity, vacation, new tire, or whatever it is is exorbitantly and prohibitively high for the person who desires or needs it, I can see why they’d balk at paying for it.
But be honest. “I have no patience for puzzles” is different than saying “Puzzles are collossal wastes of time.”
“I don’t like spending more than $10 on a movie” is different than saying “Movies are ridiculously overpriced and designed to rip you off at every turn”.
The former statement is about you and your personal tolerance levels, and is less likely to annoy other people by implying they’re a spendthrift sucker for not sharing your opinion about the relative worth of things.
The latter statement, in contrast, will get you labeled a buzzkill if you’re talking to someone who, say, enjoys movies a lot and doesn’t find them overpriced at all.
People complaining about how something I want to spend money or see value in is a “rip-off” are essentially calling me a sucker and/or a moron falling for it. It’s insulting, and it drives me crazy. It makes me not want to be friends with those people. No one likes feeling judged.
There is a category of people who like to buy nice things and eat out and whatnot who also have the income to back it up. We’re not all drowning in debt. I sometimes wonder if the “overpriced” outrage is people feeling too ashamed to say “I can’t afford that”, so they have to take the moral high ground. (Not saying that’s the OPs case).
An aside-- it’s pretty easy for financially responsible people to raise a spendthrift. For some people the frugal upbringing leaves a bad taste in their mouths. They remember how they could never have new shoes or or name brand items or anything else they felt like all their friends had. The nose pressed against the shop window phenomenon. So when they get their own money, they buy whatever they want, because they can.
I think part of the issue is that you’re thinking of exorbitant and prohibitive as interchangeable concepts, and they’re really not. One means it’s overpriced/a waste of money, the other means you can’t afford it, and those aren’t the same things at all. There are lots of things I can afford but consider a total rip-off. There are other things I know are worth the money and can afford but other people can’t. That doesn’t make the second group of things a rip-off, and lumping the two groups together tends to make other folks cranky, the same way you’d likely get cranky if people said “Puzzles?! OMG, those things are soooooo boring! Can you believe how boring they are?”
The other part is that “It costs what it costs, so just pay it” is usually not the complete thought. It’s often shorthand for “It costs what it costs, so just pay it. Or don’t, I don’t care. Just shut up about it already.” People really don’t like to voice the whole thought because it makes them feel rude and mean and they know nobody wants to hear such a thought voiced toward them. So they just say the first part and hope the second part is strongly enough implied to be effective.
Of course, sometimes “It costs what it costs” is also shorthand for “It costs what it costs and bitching isn’t going to change it. So please STFU about it already.”
I absolutely agree that there is a distinction between the two.
Amusing anecdote about L and me that had nothing to do with money but is related a bit:
Our friend C was going to get a tattoo after we had all spent the evening together. She said we were welcome to go to the shop and watch; it didn’t matter to her one way or another. I politely declined since it was late, I was tired, and it didn’t sound all that interesting. L. said I should “live a little, have fun”, etc. and go. I went home anyway. She went to the shop after all and ended up horrified and regretting it; apparently, she had no idea that tattoos involve needles and blood.
Most of the time, if I say no to an activity that she thinks I should enjoy, I automatically become un-fun, in her eyes--whether or not money is involved, although the monetary aspect seems to factor in more.
??? Idiotic people get tattoos without researching it, I know, but she thought it sounded like fun? And even people who don’t do the research know you need a needle. How did she think the ink got into your skin?
In that case, she needs slapped with a wet trout. Hard.