Relationships with differing *spending* ways.

[kambuckta]

Me and The Bloke are very different in all sorts of ways…he likes Muzak and other crap music, my tastes are more cultured. His fave meal is a grilled steak with salad and maybe a boiled potato, I prefer to spend hours in the kitchen knocking up a culinary taste sensation. IOW, he’s a complete philistine, and I’m just fantastic.

More importantly though, he likes to buy things and I’ve got an allergy to purchasing consumer goods unless they are completely necessary. Every shopping day finds us coming home with some new gadget that is a MUST HAVE from his POV, but I know will be relegated to the back cupboard or the depths of the shelves in the garage before too long. Hate to say it, (not really ) but I tend to be right…it’s a novelty for the first few days then gets forgotten, or put in the ‘too-hard-to-fuck-around-with basket’.

His latest MUST HAVE is a fucken’ rotary hoe. Not one of your toy-ones like a tiller, he wants a full-grunt petrol-powered SHOW US YER’ DICK machine that rips and digs like a rabid wombat with 16" claws and an amphetamine addiction. These babies cost about $3000 AUD, and are great for landscape and/or small-scale farmers and horticulturalists, but for the likes of us with a simple 1/4 acre block in town, it’s a bit of overkill really. He also wants one of those mini-bobcats, but I think he might have been having a lend of me there. Hope so anyway.

We have independent incomes, so what he spends his money on is really not my concern…but I get pissed-off when I worry about buying a new sheet set for $200 when he has no such qualms about spending THOUSANDS on shit that won’t even get used enough to justify the cost.

Do you and your SO have different ways of spending money? I must say that even though The Bloke buys the ‘big stuff’, I have a tendency to fritter money away on trivialities, so it’s not just a ‘financial’ concern, more a philosophical approach to the way money is spent in the household…I’m the "Oh, let’s go out for dinner and spend a fortune’ type, he’s the ‘Oh, let’s eat shit tonight, but tomorrow I’m buying a new Espresso Machine to add to the rest of the junk on the kitchen bench’ variety. Hey, it makes for interesting bedtime conversations, I must say!

What’s your version??

[Dangerosa]

We make it work for us…but its taken some compromise. If I want something, I send him out to go buy it with a budget. He spends more than the budget, so I purposely set the budget lower. That way, he does the spending and I don’t have the guilt.

Since we have a more pooled financial situation (post kids, pre kids we each had our own money) he has learned that I’m more comfortable with a large financial cushion and therefore doesn’t spend large quantities without checking with me. Since, frankly, his wife not being a nagging basket case brings him a lot more happiness than more crap.

[Cicero]

Your are wrong.

Make it happen- would be a nice gift for him.

(As I try and break the news to my partner that I really needed the new grater)

[sandra_nz]

You sound like me and my husband when we first got together. He has calmed down a lot over the years, no longer needs to have the latest gadget or absolute top of the range stuff. I think that’s partly due to the influence of me and my more thrifty ways, but also just in terms of him maturing and not having every item needing to be a ‘show us yer dick’ (to use your phrase) item.

One thing that really helped us was going through a tight financial patch. It really taught both of us about what is and isn’t important in life, so now he is a lot better at saying, ‘No, it’s not worth it for that much money.’

Now that we have shared finances, we each have a set amount that is our own ‘fun money’ to spend as we like, and bigger purchases for the household get discussed and agreed on before being purchased.

I have to remember the differences between my husbands spending and my own habits all the time, and I still have to bite my tongue. He’ll often email me when he’s at work with something he wants to buy, or something expensive he wants to do, and I have to admit, my first instinct is always, ‘No! Spending money bad!’ But I’ve learnt to hold that back, give it a bit of thinking time, and have a reasonable discussion with him about it. So sometimes yes, he gets it, and sometimes no, he doesn’t. To be fair to him, most of the time it’s him suggesting we take trips together, so it’s not just him being selfish and wanting toys for himself.

To be honest, from your post, (and I know you’re not looking for advice, you’re just sharing your own scenario to start the conversation) it doesn’t sound like you’re having any financial difficulties, so if he wants to spend his own money on rubbish he’ll never use, so what? Just because you have an issue with making big purchases, that doesn’t mean he should feel guilty when he makes them. Your projecting your own values about money onto him, and it doesn’t sound like the relationship is at the stage where that should be happening. If, on the other hand, that AUD3,000 was needed for something else, maybe your tv is about to die and needs to be replaced, or you have a debt that needs repaying, then there should be concern.

[Athena]

@sandra_nz

To be honest, from your post, (and I know you’re not looking for advice, you’re just sharing your own scenario to start the conversation) it doesn’t sound like you’re having any financial difficulties, so if he wants to spend his own money on rubbish he’ll never use, so what? Just because you have an issue with making big purchases, that doesn’t mean he should feel guilty when he makes them. Your projecting your own values about money onto him, and it doesn’t sound like the relationship is at the stage where that should be happening. If, on the other hand, that AUD3,000 was needed for something else, maybe your tv is about to die and needs to be replaced, or you have a debt that needs repaying, then there should be concern.

I agree with this.

Hubby & I have different spending patterns. He loooooves his gear & toys and he always has to have the latest greatest thing for whatever hobby he’s into. This can range from the inexpensive to the very, very pricey (you have NO IDEA how expensive telescopes can be, for example, until you live with a man obsessed with them.)

I had issues with his spending at first because I’m more the type who agonizes over spending $50 on something that I’m not 100% sure I will love and use daily and keep forever.

We finally both compromised a bit and we now have a pretty workable relationship. We both agree on the big things - for example, we pay our bills & put money into retirement and other savings before we spend it on toys. We don’t have credit card debt, except for one card hubby uses to buy & sell his toys (he’ll buy something on credit, try it out, then either pay it off or sell it.) Neither of us buys things without knowing it can be paid for in cash within a short time.

His compromise was acknowledging that he just couldn’t run up the credit card or buy something on financing without getting my buy-in on it, and that we really, really didn’t want to take on more bills every month.

My compromise was being OK with him spending what I perceived to be a lot of cash on toys that may or may not get used, as long as we could afford it and it didn’t involve going into debt.

So far, so good.

[mariposalabrown]

First of, someone is getting a slap across the face when he gets home, because apparently he has some side relationship in Australia!

This is my boyfriend and I to a tee. This past weekend I had to stop him because he had the Kitchen-Aid stand mixer in his hands, ready to check out. I could care less about the money, he can buy whatever he wants, HOWEVER, we live in a one bedroom condo with a not very big kitchen that currently has a coffee-maker, a 4 cup food processor, a 12 cup food processor, an Egg McMuffin maker toast thingie, an electric paper towel dispense, a huge knife block, a Crock Pot, and a freaking juicer on the counters already. We have to cut things on the dinner table, because there is just no more room. Oh, and everything is in that dark red that KitchenAid makes their stuff in. I have not bought any of this. Also, we don’t cook very much!

That is the latest thing, but they way we do it is we both work, pay bills right down the middle, and then my money is mine and vice versa. I can’t say anything, but I sure can judge, just like he does when my boxes and boxes of shoes come to the doorstep every other day. At least I wear my shoes though! We have no debt, I wish he would save more money, but really, not much I can say there. I just have to know that he probably thinks my spending is stupid too and live with it. The lack of kitchen space is a big problem, and it’s a big reason why we don’t cook much, because you no longer can! Within two weeks we will have that stand mixer in the kitchen though, I know it.

You have no idea how many times I have had to practically throw a fit at a store because no, we are not going to make a pulley system in the tiny condo we rent to hang a kayak from the ceiling.

[corkboard]

@mariposalabrown

You have no idea how many times I have had to practically throw a fit at a store because no, we are not going to make a pulley system in the tiny condo we rent to hang a kayak from the ceiling.

Ooooh, awesome!

[Harriet_the_Spry]

I am glad that my husband and I don’t have this problem to any meaningful degree. I did get him to discontinue his Easton Press book habit, but I gave in to him on the new vs. used car debate.

At some level it goes from having separate incomes (a current cash-flow discussion) to having pooled wealth (a long-term asset discussion). Unless you surround it with a ton of pre-nup, the finances of a lifelong partnership are a team sport. His fancy garden equipment today may be the difference between eating the canned or the dry cat food in your widowhood.

If you are just dating or living together for a while, that’s one thing, but spending is an area worth hashing out in detail before making a lifetime commitment.

[rekkah]

@mariposalabrown

First of, someone is getting a slap across the face when he gets home, because apparently he has some side relationship in Australia!

I’m afraid it’s worse than you think. I’ve no idea how he’s doing it, but the same man is also my husband in Britain. He’s recently decided to take up going to car boot sales and buying random crap because he finds it funny - it might be if we weren’t sharing a not-huge one bedroom flat.

[Rubystreak]

@rekkah

I’m afraid it’s worse than you think. I’ve no idea how he’s doing it, but the same man is also my husband in Britain. He’s recently decided to take up going to car boot sales and buying random crap because he finds it funny - it might be if we weren’t sharing a not-huge one bedroom flat.

Well, he’s also living with me in Central NY. I’m trying to rein in his crazy spending habits, but apparently he’s also giving you other ladies a hard time. That man sure gets around. I think he’s keeping all his music equipment and recording studio here, though-- lucky you.

[Dangerosa]

@Harriet_the_Spry

At some level it goes from having separate incomes (a current cash-flow discussion) to having pooled wealth (a long-term asset discussion). Unless you surround it with a ton of pre-nup, the finances of a lifelong partnership are a team sport. His fancy garden equipment today may be the difference between eating the canned or the dry cat food in your widowhood.

That was one of the reasons I had my hubby rein it in. That and college for kids. He is one of those that can spend a few hundred here or there and not bother to see the long term picture. I’m one of those that normally spends very little on lunch, preferring to see the kids college funds grow. Long term the other part of this is that if you are the one making personal sacrifices for long term security while he spends freely, that can get grating.

[mariposalabrown]

@Rubystreak

Well, he’s also living with me in Central NY. I’m trying to rein in his crazy spending habits, but apparently he’s also giving you other ladies a hard time. That man sure gets around. I think he’s keeping all his music equipment and recording studio here, though-- lucky you.

Woah woah woah, are you talking about the electronic drum set that came to the house on Sunday, despite the fact that I’m the musician in this household (and it wasn’t for me, it does cat noises and cheesy rap things, I just… have no words for why)?? This jetsetter is about to get kicked to the curb!

[WormTheRed]

When did I get into these relationships all over the world, cause that’s me you’re talking about

The reason is simple. Stuff is cool, I can afford it, why not buy it 'cause it’s cool? And who cares if it isn’t cool a week from now, that’s what the new stuff is for

[NinetyWt]

@Harriet_the_Spry

If you are just dating or living together for a while, that’s one thing, but spending is an area worth hashing out in detail before making a lifetime commitment.

No kiddin’. The ‘spendy’ ways of my second husband are why we’re divorced.

[kambuckta]

@sandra_nz

To be honest, from your post, (and I know you’re not looking for advice, you’re just sharing your own scenario to start the conversation) it doesn’t sound like you’re having any financial difficulties, so if he wants to spend his own money on rubbish he’ll never use, so what? Just because you have an issue with making big purchases, that doesn’t mean he should feel guilty when he makes them. Your projecting your own values about money onto him, and it doesn’t sound like the relationship is at the stage where that should be happening. If, on the other hand, that AUD3,000 was needed for something else, maybe your tv is about to die and needs to be replaced, or you have a debt that needs repaying, then there should be concern.

I’m not really concerned sandra_nz. Our differing habits DO make for some great joking and snide(ish) remarks at times, but as I said, we’ve got independent incomes and he is welcome to spend his money on whatever crap he likes…it’s just that I don’t get why someone would want a rotary hoe.

I certainly don’t make him feel guilty, so you can bet your bottom dollar that there will be a shiny new r/hoe in the shed in about 4 weeks…I’ll even tie it up with a blue ribbon to make it all nice and blokey.

I asked a couple of fellows at work today this same question, and they were just so envious about the prospective new purchase. They admitted it’s a ‘bloke’ thing. Girls do shoes and handbags (that they rarely wear or use), boys do thumping big (preferably petrol-driven) toys that go chug-a-chug (or more frequently), vroom-vroom. I guess I should thank my lucky stars he’s not a car-fancier or a rev-head.

Anyway, he’ll be so busy digging up every bit of the 1/4 acre block over the next weeks and months that he won’t have time to go shopping for anything else…

[StGermain]

I’m of the girl pursuasion, but I don’t understand the shoes and handbag thing. But I did just buy a small diesel tractor and I’m looking for a bushhog to mow my acreage with. Sure, I could pay my neighbor $100 a few times a year to do it for me, but I want to be able to do it myself!

StG

[kambuckta]

@StGermain

I’m of the girl pursuasion, but I don’t understand the shoes and handbag thing. But I did just buy a small diesel tractor and I’m looking for a bushhog to mow my acreage with. Sure, I could pay my neighbor $100 a few times a year to do it for me, but I want to be able to do it myself!

StG

We’ve got a *1/4 *acre StG. And I don’t get the shoes and handbag thing either…I’ve got a pair of RM Williams, and some boots and one pair of summer sandals that do me for most of my foot-ie needs. Still doesn’t mean I need all of that grunty-blokey-dig-up-holes-shit for compensation.

[DianaG]

@mariposalabrown

we live in a one bedroom condo with a not very big kitchen that currently has a coffee-maker, a 4 cup food processor, a 12 cup food processor, an Egg McMuffin maker toast thingie, an electric paper towel dispenser, a huge knife block, a Crock Pot, and a freaking juicer on the counters already.

Seriously? An electric paper towel dispenser? Seriously?

[Kalhoun]

My husband and I are on the same page for the most part. However, he likes to buy stuff for his car. We pool our funds and have an agreement that we can spend $100 or so without consulting each other. If we get into bigger money, we check in to make sure there isn’t something on the horizon that we may have forgotten, or put the purchase off until the next credit card cycle or what have you. I always make it a point to tell him what the grand total is each month when I balance the checkbook and have paid all the outstanding bills. That way we have a point of reference when we start drooling over carburetors or dahlias.

[Cicero]

My partner bought a face washer. I bought a new car.

What’s the problem?