Marriage and Spending Money

My friend Cindy’s husband Jeff went out today and leased a truck without so much as even telling her he was considering doing it. It was a done deal before he informed her. She’s pissed as hell. They’re both elementary school teachers and it’s not like they’re rolling in money. The new payment’s $375 a month, and they only gave him $2500 on the trade-in.

Plus, if you have to do something like this behind your spouse’s back, don’t you kind of have to figure you’re doing something wrong?

Just thought I’d ask: what do you all think of this situation? Is it as outrageous as I think (I’m not married, so I don’t really know)? Also, what would you do if your spouse did this to you? I can’t even figure out how I’d handle it!

I would be fucking furious if my husband ever pulled this stunt.

I just can’t think of how to make this right.

If you try to “punish” him, you’re pretty much doing stuff that’s destructive rather than constructive, as far as the relationship goes.

They’re locked into the contract, so there’s no going back on that.

But how do you get it into his thick head that what he did was a big no-no without somehow “punishing” him?

She’s so pissed that they’re sleeping apart. And this is a couple that not only has a great relationship (usually), but they’re trying to have a baby.

I feel bad posting this, but nobody here knows them, she’s looking for advice, and I have no clue what to say to her.

If it was my relationship, the purchase/lease of a big ticket item is something that I’d like to have discussed beforehand.

So I’d be pissed.

Of course, this assumes that we have discussed those groundrules and he knowingly did go behind my back. Don’t know if those qualifiers apply in the situation you’re referring to.

Yes, they do.

They had this same argument over a $250 purchase 2 years ago. She informed him then that she wanted to be consulted on all purchases over $100. (They ain’t rich, folks.)

Then he went and committed them both to $375 per month for 2 or 3 years, or however long.

This is a basically good guy who can be bullheaded about some things. Apparently, this is one of them.

Please don’t say “therapy” because he’d never go in a million years. :slight_smile:

I think that for now she just needs to be angry at him without trying to justify it. Since it sounds like they have shared finances, what he did was an incredible violation of trust. If I were in her shoes, I’d be furious and hurt. Either he knew in advance that she wouldn’t want him to get the truck and kept it secret so he could do what he wanted regardless of how she felt about it, or he just bought it on impulse and thus is a total moron who shouldn’t be allowed to drive, let alone handle money.

How I’d react would depend very strongly on how he handled it. It’s his job to work to repair the hurt he caused. He needs to understand that what he did upset her and why, and then do what he can to fix things. Perhaps adjust the household budget so that he has less spending money than her? Since he chose to spend so much on the truck, it’s only fair that he make more sacrifices.

Man, that’s crazy. I honestly wonder what he was thinking.

It wasn’t the first time he’d done it?? Wow. That’s nuts. Personally, I would actually consider ending the relationship if I were Cindy. Money is a big issue in any relationship, and an even bigger one when it’s tight. For someone to be that stubborn and childish about something so important is a big deal. I can’t imagine trying to set up a life with someone who is able to disregard my feelings so easily.

This relationship has bigger problems than money. I am guessing that unless he has the mind of a child (unlikely) then he knew exactly what he was doing - making a statement to her that said “You can’t tell me what I can and cannot buy. So there.” This does not bode well for the relationship, thats for sure.

Since they both work, one solution might be to create three accounts, yours, mine, and ours. Clearly spell out what is paid for out of ‘ours’, such as rent, utilities, etc. and how much each puts into that account. The rest is for you to spend how you see fit out of your account. If your budget allows you to buy a car, or a pony, or whatever, then go for it. Otherwise, save your pennies.

The plus side to this is that she will have her own account if things don’t work out.

I love my husband fiercely - but I would be sleeping at my mom’s if he did this to me. To me, this would be him showing me that my opinion didn’t matter - that this marriage wasn’t a partnership. That only his decisions were of any importance.

Ditto the separate accounts. If he continues this reckless spending, she needs to have protected herself. Neither divorce or bankruptcy are easy things, but she needs to be prepared, either way. If he’s just woefully irresponsible or “showing her who’s in charge”.

His actions are hard to justify, even if she really spends most of the money in their relationship. (Along the lines of, “Honey, we need a new couch. Let’s go shopping next weekend.”)

The “excuse” I can see, if is he really has a spending problem, as in a full blown psychological problem, or she is really tight with a similar psychological problem.

wow, just wow.

Do they have second accounts? Is he going to pay for it all? If the answers to both those questions is yes, there isn’t much to say.

Lots of issues here, trust, division of labor. Is this lease breakable?
I’d say now is NOT an ideal time to be trying to have a kid. If El Hubbo can’t be trusted to do what’s good for the partnership (marriage) he probably cannot be trusted to act in the best interest of the family, and will end up buying a big screen tv, instead of new clothes for the kidlet.

I’m a punisher, I would get the heck out, or change all the locks, or hock the Big Screen TV one month, and the stereo the next month and so on an so forth. EEp. Gad, must run home and kiss Mr Dude, since he’s not like that.

I saw a couple break up over the same situation, only he had bought a truck, not leased.

The problem, though, was that she was pathologically tight with money. The woman was insane. He got tired of being told what he was going to do with his hardearned money all the time so he “rebelled.” She apparently expected him to just hand over his paycheck.

If I were her I would hole up in a hotel for a couple of nights, or until he agrees to therapy. She has every right to be angry and he’s got a lot of 'splainin to do.

Wow- I’m a little crazy occasionally but never like that!

How long has the lease been in effect? Is there anyway to return it and get cash back, prorated, since they probably cant get the trade in? Then his responsibility is to locate a non cost inducing replacement vehicle for the trade in.

Im sure it happens often, so there has to be a way to return the truck.

A financial advisor whose ideas are typically dead on has this recommendation for married couples:

  • Do not unilaterally make any purchase or enter into any financial obligation for any amount greater than your monthly grocery budget. If you do now know what your monthly grocery budget is, do not unilaterally make any purchases or enter into any obligations at all.

I think that this is brilliant advice which, if followed, would neatly short-circuit these kinds of arguments. It keeps both spouses responsible for how money is being spent and for keeping to their budget.

The idea that one partner could put that kind of squeeze on a couple’s finances is repulsive to me. This Jeff guy needs to grow up and learn some responsibility. If he wants to act like a single man who doesn’t have to consult with anyone before making major life decisions like this, then he shouldn’t be married.

This kind of behavior kills marriages. Either this guy is some kind of idiot, or he’s a selfish jerk, or he’s passive-aggressive as all get out. No way would I make a baby with him whichever it is.

Is he at least apologizing? Eating major crow? If not, then I’d be seriously reconsidering the whole marriage deal, let alone the baby.

Mrs. Furthur

When you pool your earnings and assets with someone else, then both have an equal say. This guy has put HER on the hook for these payments and increased insurance.
IMO, is it very bad form to make such a deal without the spouse’s approval.

I have nothing constructive to add. I just want to say Cindy has every right to be furious. There might be something in Jeff’s background that lets him think that was an okay moove - maybe his parents never discussed large purchases. I hope, just based on my hope for all marriages, that Cindy can address this with him and they can work it out.

My ex used to pull stunts along those lines but he’d slap a bow on whatever he bought and then say it was my birthday present.

How about returning the thing? They may not be “locked in” to the lease if they’re willing to lose some money on a penalty… Overall, that would be a much smaller total loss than paying the $375 each month for however long… He could get a 2nd job to pay off the extra expense, if he’s really sorry.

I think it may be a very memorable and useful learning experience for hubby if he has to go thru the hassle and paperwork of undoing his deal… plus the manly shame of telling the dealership, in essence, that his wife made him take the toy back. However, if the purchase was his way of acting out his “independence” in the first place, he may not be willing to budge on this.

Either way, waiting a bit to have kids seems like a good idea, if he’s financially unrealiable.

Folks,

I agree that Jeff did a very selfish thing. And that’s no way to run a marriage.

But nobody here except the OP has the rest of the story. or more importantly, the preceding episodes of the story.

We have no idea if he’s normally reasonable and she’s a raging tightwad, or OTOH, if she’s normally reasonable and he’s a raging spendthrift.

Asserting that one or the other has mental problems is silly, little more than high-falutin’ name calling. “Neener neener neener, you’re a psycho! And I’m not.” That’s not helpful.

I think it IS clear that they have incompatible approaches to money, or at the very least they have a major communications problem about money. And that MUST be solved soon or it’ll really tear up the marriage.

The statistics seem to say that most marriages fail over one of three issues: money, inlaws, or having kids.

We know these folks have one issue already. Do they perhaps also have the 3rd?

Did Jeff spend the money as a (poorly chosen) way to force the issue: “See honey, we can’t afford a baby now”, when what he really means is: “There’s no way I want a baby; certainly not now and maybe not ever?”

We here don’t know, and it seems silly or at least unhelpful to focus on how wrong Jeff is/was or how to “punish” him.

Marriages don’t operate on punishment, because neither will accept the idea that the other has the right to mete it out. And really, they don’t have that right.

Bottom line, these two need to talk A LOT, and without anger. That may not be possible for a coupe of weeks. The truck is almost certainly a symptom rather than the disease. They have got to get to the disease in their relationship, whatever that is.

Either that, or they’ll sabotage each other in a tit-for-tat struggle to their own emotional and perhaps financial death.

You guys are making me feel much better.

My story (well, one of them, abbreviated):
A few years ago, my then-fiance and roommate mentioned that we needed to make a stop on the way home from being out with friends. I figured it was to pick up some dry cleaning or something. Turns out this guy, the one who had no savings, the one who had just started working again after 14 months’ unemployment (during which time I was his sole support), the guy with whom I was making plans to have a wedding, buy a house, even go on vacation for the first time in a couple years, had:

  • gone to the credit union and gotten approval for a loan that would tie up a significant portion of his disposable income for the next X years, and
  • signed a contract to PURCHASE A BMW!

He just wanted me to drop him off at the dealership so he could pick it up and drive it home. (Never mind that we lived in the city, both walked to work, already had one decent vehicle, and my condo only came with one parking space.)

Mind you, this is a man who got upset with me if I even made dinner reservations without talking to him about it first, because if I did, I was being “inconsiderate of my partner.”

I asked him how he could do this without talking to me first, given all the plans we had agreed on, and asked him to wait just one day before completing the deal so that we could discuss it. (You should have seen the look of panic on the salesman’s face!) His response was “It’s my money. I want it. I’m doing it.”

He slept in the car that night.

It was the de facto end of our relationship. But I’d always wondered if I’d been a bit unrealistic in my expectations of sharing/consultation. Now I feel much better. THANKS!