sometimes I just wanna scream at her “PULL IT TOGETHER!!”.
So here’s the deal, in October she got notice she was due some retirement money from a company she used to work for. Not a “we can quit our jobs and sail the world” amount, but a nice-ish amount. I begged with everything I had don’t spend it before you have it because taxes, fees, processing, unforeseen delays, etc… Deaf ears. She went out nad signed a contract to buy a nice car, promised all the kids a sum of cash, charged a bunch of things, etc.
The latest out of it was a “surprise” Christmas present to fly my daughter and grandson out for the weekend after Christmas. (There is a custody battle with my daughter and her ex regarding my grandson so there were deals to be made permissions to be signed waivers etc. All that squared.) They made an agreement on two non-refundable one way tickets at 550 bucks a pop with the return ticket being purchased with funds from this windfall that has not yet come. “We will surprise him!”
I’m sure most of you can read that the money didn’t come Monday or Tuesday and my daughter, without a return ticket, cannot board the thousand dollars worth of flight. I am then pulled in to straighten out the mess and, after rearranging flights dates and, because my wife is tapped by sinking the first thousand in, putting four hundred of my own dollars in to cover fees, penalties and whatnot, make round trip arrangements for the first week of January.
Afterwards when it’s all settled and i say “Please, please, please stop with the uber expensive surprises and the spending of money not in your hand. This is something that should have been a conversation first.” I am told that I am an ungrateful prick.
No. You are reasonable. Presents which become a problem for you are not good presents.
I do hope that you will drop it though, and have a nice loving visit with your daughter. Being in her place I can tell you, she doesn’t need any drama or quiet resentment right now. And having to reschedule etc. has been more stressful for her than your wife can possibly imagine. She’s gone to great lengths, please be cheerful and happy to see her.
What I’m trying to figure out is what kinda dolt (sorry, since that includes your daughter) would buy ONE-WAY airline tickets on the *promise * that someone else would buy the ONE-WAY tickets back. (Never mind that buying one-way tickets is silly in the first place and how much more expensive they tend to be when bought within 30 days of travel, but …)
No, you’re not an ungrateful prick; sounds like someone unconsciously recognizes their silly behavior but can’t bear to acknowledge it.
I gather you’ve already thought about taxes (and possibly tax-related penalty, since I get the impression it’s an account she chose to cash out instead of roll over into another retirement account).
Oh and cuz I just caught this, it was my wife who paid for the first set of one-way tickets, not my daughter. My wife was theoretically intending to fund the whole thing. The rest of your post stands true though.
You perpetuate the situation by bailing her out. She has no concern for consequences because she knows you will cover her. She doesn’t seemed concerned about what it does to you. She is the ungrateful prick.
This is a lesson I am also learning in my own life.
Emotionally, we don’t have any money that isn’t shared money. I do most of the buying things because I don’t mind doing it and he does. We have a long-standing agreement that all money decisions over a certain limit have to be discussed and an agreement made. The amount that my husband is comfortable with is around $200. Usually at that level it’s just an “I am keeping you informed” notice. There is no way either of us could have done what your wife did, we can only be that stupid as a joint effort.
I don’t think you are being in the slightest bit unreasonable. Or ungrateful.
Your wife sounds very irresponsible IRT financial decisions. I think this would be a good time to sit down and have a Serious Talk about how finances are managed between the two of you. When I was married, like Ulfrieda all of our combined incomes were shared, and the limits were about that. Under $200 or so, sure. Above that amount? We discussed it until we reached consensus.
Which makes sense - both partners are legally responsible for each other’s financial decisions, good or bad, made while married. So it’s really dumb to make unilateral large financial decisions if you’re married. Make sure she realises that.
Sometimes, you just have to let someone fail so they can learn. I don’t bail people out of problems they caused themselves through purposeful ignorance, nor would I want people to bail me out either
Oh, man, that blows! As far as I know, though, there’s no realistic way to divorce yourself from the wife’s financial problems without literally divorcing her, though. If you’ve had this discussion over and over, without success, is there any way you could restructure the family financial arrangements? Maybe a “His,” “Hers,” and “Our Important Shit that We Can’t Spend without Both of Our Signatures” account? Otherwise, I have no practical suggestions - just lots of sympathy. Both my husband and I have been married to folks whose financial mismanagement caused huge problems. As a result, we’re both hypersensitive about discussing large purchases and money decisions before committing to anything, but I could see where someone might instead think “let me spend it before someone else does” instead…
Well, if that’s the case I agree completely with Typo Negative. Your bailing her out is simply enabling her behaviour, since she knows she has an out (you) when she makes a dumb decision. I understand why you paid for the return flights for your daughter and grandson, because they are your daughter and grandson…but you bailed your wife out.
Perhaps if she understands that her shitty unilateral decisions won’t be fixed by you and she’ll have to take full responsibility, she will make better decisions?
You sound like a good guy George, but this is certainly not you being ungrateful, but I’m sure you know that. I know you saw this coming, tried to alert her and it was all for naught. You are righteously feeling ill used and unheard, in all this. So, if you do not do another thing, please give yourself permission to feel what you feel.
I’m going to go ahead and assume she has other charms, yes? It’s Christmas and the drama won’t change anthing. Plus it sounds like your daughter needs her family especially this year, and, just maybe the mother needs to be their for her child. None of which excuses or endorses this behaviour, or diminishes your feelings.
It’s not going to cost you your house, or retirement funds from the sounds of it. Yes, she shouldn’t have, there WAS a much more prudent way to proceed, offered and ignored! But come down to it the people you love will be with each other at Christmas, and that a great thing. In the end it really IS just money. And found money, at that!
She’s definitely wrong, you’re definitely right! Now take a deep breath and merrily on into the beautiful mess that life always is!
For almost everyone, money is symbolic of all sorts of unconscious things, often extremely powerful unconscious things, like Freedom, Safety, Control, Generosity, Revenge, all sorts of stuff in there. It is possible that if your wife was able to unpack this box a bit, she would be able to make more rational decisions.
If she wanted to. The want-to would have to be there. If she can’t see they are irrational, you are stuck.
