I think my wife is a compulsive spending. Here we are, 8 days from payday, and I’m concerned that we will run out of money before the end of week - and this is my large paycheck, the one that the mortgage does not come out of. I’ve transferred the remainders of our savings to cover anticipated debits against my checking account and am not confident it’s enough. I’m the only money-maker in the family with my wife being a stay-at-home mom to our three kids. It’s an arrangement that we’re both happy with although being a single-income family is at times worrisome. The single-income I make is a good one though, not six-figures good, but still pretty nice.
My wife has always been the type to go into the store for one item and come out with six. A week ago or so, she said she had to go to Target to buy my son a pair of sweatpants. Mentally my eyes rolled back because it’s never “one thing” with her. $116 dollars later she’s bought sweatpants, socks for everybody, jeans, etc. Only the sweatpants were necessary.
I recently constructed & hung shelves to allow us to organize our one room where her hobby table, my computer, etc. are located. We talked at that time, heads nodding together in agreement, that now that the mess is cleaned up and organized, there was no need to rush out to purchase more stuff to fill the new clean space. She went to the local hobby store this past week and spent $150 on stuff that we just agreed (together) she didn’t need (although guilt made her later take back about $40 of it).
We both agreed that this paycheck was used up and we needed to conserve until the next payday, then I discover these $150 & $116 bombshells - both (and perhaps more) spent after our talk about the remaining paycheck. I feel that I’m talking to thin air - ineffective and ignored.
I’ve cashed in a week of vacation to try to put some reserve back in our savings account. Now this is a week of vacation gone from me and I have to work more.
I’ve gotten resentful.
I’m afraid to spend money, having buyer’s remorse over a semi-monthly treat of a professional latte, since I know that that $5 spent on the Latte might be needed in the checking account at the end of the week. I have one pair of blue jeans right now because I feel I can’t afford a second pair (I usually keep two in rotation). I’ve put off a new pair of glasses, despite having insurance, because I know that I’ll shell out $60 for the “extras” on the glasses that aren’t covered by insurance.
My wife has concealed purchases from me. She consistently understates what she spends when I ask. I think she took the checkbook with her on her last trip so I couldn’t see the purchases. I come home to a new collection of kids-meals’ toys half the days of the week because she hit the fast-food joint for lunch rather than feed the kids at home. Meanwhile I’m eating a succession of Costco burritos daily for lunch because they’re cheap.
I don’t want to treat my wife like a child - I love her and this would hurt her. She’s an adult and I want to treat her as an adult. I want her, though, to be more responsible with our money. I can’t pull rank, as it were, as the primary earner in the house and dictate from on high how it’s going to be. Besides, despite our agreements this past week to not spend, she blew $300 on unneeded junk. “Pulling rank” probably wouldn’t work in this age of electronically available cash.
This past week, because of these problems, I decided to do something about it. We have some friends that divide their money into three parts, his, hers, & ours. The “his” and “hers” money they call MOMO, for “Money of my own”. Each person can spend their MOMO as they wish without negative commentary from the other. If my wife wants to blow hers on a massage and manicure then I can’t fault her for it. If I want to spend mine on a new hard drive and a bunch of shoot-em-up software, it’s my business. All expenses not related to running the house or feeding us is supposed to be from the MOMO money: clothing, haircare, eating out, etc.
We have the complication with the children. 50 hours a week, they’re with her exclusively. If she wants to buy lunch, then they need it to. We’ve talked about it in the past and decided the she needs more MOMO to cover their expenses.
So, here’s what I did. I created a pretty realistic budget, detailing Grocery money, mortgage, etc. but also remembering savings, home maint. and a small reserve for emergencies. What’s left over, around $1200 a month, I divided 80/20 between she (and the kids) and I as MOMO money.
Her roughly $960 and my $240 per month is supposed to be for all our personal expenses, automobile gas, credit cards (we each have our own), hobbies, clothing, etc. The kid expenses come out of her money, too. For eating out as a couple, rather than go Dutch or taking turns, I included a monthly “date” for us in the non-MOMO budget. I think this will also act as a reminder that we need time by ourselves, too, as husband and wife rather than always Mom and Dad.
I’ve yet to present this plan to her in detail although I’ve talked with her in general about it.
I’m nervous that she’s going to thing that $960 in “disposable” income isn’t sufficient. To me, my $240/month seems like more than I’ll ever use. I send about $75/month to my credit card and live like a monk most of the rest of the time. It’ll be a little less like it since I’m going to start picking up my own clothing but that’s maybe $300/year the way I do things.
I’m also worried that when she runs out of money before her next MOMO infusion that she’ll sob story me to try to get more money. I have a hard time not trying to please her (she is my wife after all) and having the kids needs as leverage might gather some powerful guilt.
So my question to the Doper community: What do you think? Do you think it’ll work?
Do you, or your spouse/SO have spending problems and how do you deal with it?