Umm, no, Wireless, you weren’t being unreasonable. It sounds as though he was being controlling, though. I mean, really, expecting be consulted about every single dinner reservation (which can be cancelled, for the love of Og)?
Funny sort of story here
My husband had done the same thing to me. But when I found out about it, just before he picked it up I made a deal with the dealership to take my old one and trade it in on a new car for myself too. So when the time came to make the payments, I paid for my car but not his truck. When his truck was repossessed he went to live with his mother which was closer to work. I told him never to come back. I still have my car and it is paid off. I knew that a divorce would kill our credit (I would be forced to drive an old car with my kids ie. not safe), that buying that truck would have put us into bankruptcy and that his thoughtlessness meant divorce. My car was much more reasonable and it got me through the divorce and credit problems safely with my three kids.
To address your dilemma: In ANY business dealing, you have 3 business days to back out of a contract. This includes a car deal. I would suggest they call a lawyer to be sure and drop off the car at the dealership until they can get all the legal ramifications worked out. A lawyer will be able to let you know on the phone for no charge.
Yeah, CrazyCatLady, he had a lot of controlling behaviors - the kind you can only really see clearly once you’re out of the situation. Dodged a bullet, I guess.
Oh, man.
This is one of those posts that I have typed 3 times, then didn’t submit.
None of my remedies would have been acceptable, and one had the ‘Big D’ word in it.
That said, I don’t have any ideas, except to agree that somehow, parameters have to be established in that relationship.
Spouse and I consult on all purchases over $100.00, and make them together.
Unless it’s a gift to each other, and then we still make sure there’s that much to spare in the budget.
I sure hope she has at least one bank account in her own name, ditto at least one credit card.
Obviously, more info about the couple is in order.
In my opinion–and in theirs–these folks ordinarily have a great marriage. They really love each other and communicate well. They already have one kid, age 2, and Jeff is a great dad and gung-ho to have more. He’s not the best saver, but he’s never been in debt, either. A big part of what makes this so surprising is that he is not a thoughtless or selfish person.
Cindy is a very good budgeter and always, always shops around for the best deal, but is not a “tightwad.”
Twice in the five years since they started living together, he’s made money screw-ups of this nature. The first one was a much closer call than this was. Other than that, he’s generally OK with money. They are otherwise good together. Divorce seems like a major overreaction.
I’ve talked to Cindy more about this. She likes the car he picked out, and agrees that they needed a new car. She’s not pleased that it costs as much as it does, but they can afford it. It does, however, put a sizeable crimp in their ability to save more, which is a goal they were working on. My understanding is that she’s not interested in making him return the car. She thinks it’s fairly practical for their needs (not a “toy”).
Primarily, she’s upset about the fact that she wasn’t consulted. She thought she could trust his judgment about major purchases–i.e., that neither of them should make one without talking about it first. So she’s blindsided by this. Especially since she is the one who is ultimately “in charge” of their money matters, by mutual agreement.
Unfortunately, they never did set absolute rules about spending money (what I said earlier about this was apparently wrong).
Sounds as though Jeff was thinking along these lines: the truck was his, free and clear, before the marriage. He alone drives it. They’re about to have a new kid. It would be nice to have two cars that kids could be transported in, instead of just one. His truck was not kid friendly and had just started to have mechanical problems. So he figured, “hey, I’m making a smart move to unload this junkheap and get a family-friendly new car, especially since we’ve got extra money right now.”
I have no doubt they’ll weather this storm. The short-term solution is that Cindy’s going to be mad for awhile, and Jeff is getting a picture of the truck for Christmas and his birthday. 
The long-term solution is that they need to do more talking about the money issue.
So, to refine the question: do you have suggestions for things they can do to help them work out a plan? Books to read? Seminars to attend? Arrangements that have worked for you?
Our (and my Mom and Stepdad’s) system is as follows:
We have one household account in which we put enough money out of our pay for rent, groceries, and other shared bills (which we have budgeted ahead of time).
The rest is ours to do with what we please.
With this system, if hub can afford the payments out of his own salary, wifey should shut her pie-hole. If he’s having to take money earmarked for the “household” to pay for his vehicle, then he gets the shame of looking like an a-hole and not pulling his weight, which sounds like a good consequence to me.
Reminds me of the Lexus ‘Christmas’ commercials, where one spouse gives the other a new Lexus with a freakin bow on it.
“Merry Christmas!! I just spent $60,000 of your money!!!”
Actually, madline, in Illinois at least you’re completely mistaken about the 3 days. That rule only applies to situations where the salesman contacts you in your home to make the sale. Car purchases (and leasing, I’m sure) are specifically exempt. You do not have 3 days to back out.
Found that one out the hard way.
Re: working on their marriage, we found this extremely helpful:
Divorce Busting: A Step-by-Step Approach to Making Your Marriage Loving Again, by Michele Weiner-Davis.
I’ve handled money several ways:
The “each of us pays what is required to cover expenses into a joint account and then we can spend whatever is left how we please.” I don’t think this would work too well with children, as children tend to eat up disposable income…
The “we each put our paychecks into a joint account and we each get an allowance to do with as we please.” This works great - although I don’t think their allowances would (or should) cover things like cars (which seems to me to be a pretty justifiable expense). However, it does make it easy to say “all expenses coming out of this account need to be agreed on.” Which is really what your friend needs.
The free for all method - currently being employed by the 'Rosa household with mixed results. Fortunately, there is enough money that my spendthrift husband only gets himself into trouble about once or twice a year. I’m considering putting him back on an allowance, but I probably won’t. I’d rather I treat him like an adult who makes occational mistakes. Besides, I’m a tightwad, so before he gets into trouble, I have to check and make sure its reasonable.
As to what could be done, I think Jeff should try and make some financial amends. If he has a comic book habit, a beer night with the guys habit, poker night, or (my husband’s weakness) a habit of buying shoes - whatever - he should offer to give it up for at least several months - perhaps even the term of the lease. Or he could offer to e-bay some of his CD collection or whatever. Whatever amends he makes, should not involve spending more money (i.e. I got a new car and I’m sorry, here is an expensive (or even inexpensive) gift for you. However, free gifts for her (massages, taking time to learn how to give her a manicure, offering to take the kid out of her hair for three hours every weekend) would be good additional amends.
Cindy should also watch herself - it isn’t uncommon to decide that the “fair” way to deal with this is to “return the favor.” Friends ended up with two cars they couldn’t afford when the wife went out and pulled a “Jeff.” The husband decided it wasn’t fair she had a new car (that they couldn’t afford) and so went out and leased another one. Two leases they couldn’t afford and couldn’t get out of.
(BTW, there have been times in my life where I would have flipped if my SO had spent the equalvalent of the monthly grocery budget without consulting me. Sometimes there isn’t that much slack in a budget. I think its unreasonable that a coworker can’t go out to lunch at McDonalds without calling her husband and clearing the $5 expense. I’d at least suggest Cindy and Jeff sit down and decide what is the amount that can be spent in a day (and it has to be in a day, not total expenses - 'cause several $50 stops adds up) without consulting the other - and an amount that they have to 'fess up to when they come home. (i.e. Don’t bother to tell me about $5. Call if you are going to spend over $200 and fess up that evening if you spend more than $50 so we can check against budget.)
Talked to Cindy again tonight. Sounds like things are on the mend. She’s still pissed, and will be for some time, but Jeff is truly contrite.
Apparently, what happened is that Jeff thought he’d spare Cindy the task of car shopping (she hates it). He went to do some looking, started talking to the salesman, and before long, they were talking deal.
Jeff says he knew then that Cindy was going to be angry that he didn’t discuss it with her, but went ahead and made the deal anyway. (This is what infuriates her the most.) He won’t admit it, but both Cindy and I suspect that he didn’t want to tell the salesman he had to check with his wife first. He didn’t want to seem like he was pussy-whipped.
Anyway, Cindy’s held off on all her fantasies of revenge, punishment, and tit-for-tat. Instead, Jeff’s not getting any gifts or treats for a looooong while, and he may take a second (part-time) job if they decide they need to be saving more money. They don’t spend much money on hobbies anyway–his is softball–so there’s really no fat to trim.
Baby plans are temporarily on hold, mostly because she’s too angry to want to do any babymaking.
She’s taken it remarkably well, considering. I told her wireless’s story and she laughed, and said she was going to tell Jeff he got off easy.
Based on the additional information you supplied, it sounds like Jeff is generally a considerate guy who got manipulated into doing something stupid by a car salesman. As long as he recognizes that what he did was wrong and modifies his future behavior accordingly (i.e. not putting himself into situations where he’ll be pressured into doing something without first talking to Cindy), this shouldn’t cause too much damage to their relationship. Which is good, since it sounds like they’re good together.
I can’t recommend any books or seminars, but I would advise Cindy to get her anger about this out in the open, so she can completely get over it and move on. The worst thing would be for this to become a topic of passive-aggressive warfare, a trump card that she holds over him in unrelated arguments. It sounds like they’ve already talked it through, and agreed on how to deal with it financially. As she’s forgiving him, she may need to talk about the emotional aspects of it more, even if he feels they’ve already discussed it, and she should emphasize that she’s not trying to break his balls, she’s just trying to sort out her feelings so she can move on.
Glad I could add some levity, ** Q.N. Jones**.
Just want to clarify that it was not so much the car purchase, but the attitude conveyed by this:
which told me how I ranked (or not) in importance in his mind, that led to the sleeping in the car and subsequent break-up.
Jeff doesn’t seem to share this attitude, which is a positive thing.
The clarification makes me a lot more leery than the original layout of the situation, really. Deliberately doing something that you know is going to royally piss off your partner, when it would take all of five minutes to meet reasonable expectations and avoid the stink, raises a flag for me. Not necessarily a red one, but at least a yellow one. Doing that sort of thing sends the message that what some random person thinks and feels about something that affects your partner is more important to you than what your partner thinks about the subject. That’s not really the sort of message that ought to be floating around in a healthy relationship, you know?
Well, with five kids I’m pretty sure I could lease a Humvee without going over the monthly grocery budget :eek:, so perhaps my advice should be taken with a grain of salt, but I’ve got the following ideas. (All taken from marriages in progress)
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They construct their budget so that both can spend a little money without permission or knowledge of the other one. Twenty a week each, or if they can’t afford that, step down by fives. IMHO, any less than enough for one lunch out and one six pack a week is too little. (I had a friend who mention his wife could buy new furniture without feeling guilty, whereas he felt guilty getting a six pack.) Make it cash, so they can’t blow it.
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Jeff agrees never to set foot in a car salesplace, furniture store, etc., without consulting Cindy.
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Jeff puts his credit cards in a water in a tupperware container. He then puts them in the freezer. That way he has to think about all major purchases. (I know a couple that does this and it works great. You just need to make sure you have one that controls the cards.)
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If Jeff agrees to this, Cindy gives him a BJ, because all guys deserve one.
We do 5-5-90 (only because we’re too broke to do 10-10-80), which works as follows:
5% of weekly pay goes to me to spend as I choose
5% goes to DH to spend as he chooses
90% goes to living expenses (bills, groceries, gas etc.)
This works fine as it gives us both some “impulse” money. If we want to get something that costs more than that, then we have to consult the other person or save up for a few weeks.