I'm not buying you a fucking house

The BBQ Pit
1

My lazy, greedy wife happened to get her nose into the estate settlement papers I had to sign, and found out how much I’m inheriting. True to form, she’s found a new house for me to buy with the dough.

These are the facts of life, sweetheart:

  1. When I get the money, it goes directly into a trust where you will NEVER be able to get your fingers into it. Should I croak, your son will be the sole beneficiary of that trust.

  2. Other than the $10k I decided to earmark for the rugrat’s college fund, I am using the rest for grad school for me. Period.

  3. If I don’t get into grad school, or wash out, it’s a leg up on my retirement. I’ll be damned if I piss it away like I did with the life insurance money.

Sure our house is too small, and has appreciated 25% since we bought it. Yes, it’s going to be sold in the near future. Just wait until you see the shoebox in the student ghetto we move to, you greedy bitch…

2

Woah

3

Can you feel the love?

This is the woman you’re married to? Or the woman you’re in the processing of divorcing?

4

If he isn’t in the process of divorcing he might be soon…

5

What the fuck is going on here? You should divorce the greedy bitch and kick her ass out on the street and then go titty fuck a DD cupped Whooore down on the avenue!

That would be the fucking shizznizzle!

6

Will you at least buy me a house? Please?

7

dont forget the 8 balls!

8

Could I borrow $20?

9

Whoa…Why are you married to this woman?

Isn’t marriage about sharing, caring, respecting?

WTF?!??!

10

Yeah, whoo boy.

One piece of advice for you, son…

If your relationship with your wife has broken down to that point it’s time to re-examine (with or without a counselor) whether that marriage is worthy of continuing.

Whoo boy.

11

Sounds like an excellent marriage you got there, my man. Keep up the good work!

12

Woo-hoo! Student shoeboxes!

Oh, and get a divorce, please. Think of the children! (I’m only half joking with that. God knows I’d be a happier, healthier person if my parents got a divorce long ago.)

13

Blimey.

I was feeling down, lately, about not being in a relationship. But all of a sudden, a life of solitary TV watching, frozen dinners, and relentless masturbation seems positively appealing by comparison.

14

Yes it’s a terrible thing when a wife wants a bigger house when the family is coming into money. Imagine the impudence that she would consider upsizing a somewhat cramped house if funds are going to be available to do so! It’s outrageous! You should beat her good! Oh the temerity of that lazy slattern!

Wait I’m getting a vision…it’s hazy, but coming into view… Oh my GOD! It’s your money being spent on a HUGE house! But where are you?.. Oh it’s not you, it’s your lawyer and your wife’s lawyer, and they’re both buying houses! Imagine that!

15

Can they do that? Is nothing sacred?

Are spouses entitled to a cut of each others inheritance? I thought that was the one inviolate thing in Canada and Stateside.

16

I don’t know if she can get a cut of his inheritance or not.

Hopefully she will end up with a big share of everything else they own.

I have never seen anyone be so hateful when speaking about their wife. You make me sad and sick at the same time vunderbob

17

Is this like a weird joke or do you guys have the Worst. Fucking. Marriage. Ever. ?

(Even if it is a joke, it’s not very funny).

18

Y’know, if you spent more time watching cooking shows, you could solve one of those problems. And if you watch Nigella’s, it might improve the quality of one of the others…

19

Isn’t there community property where you live? I mean, it’s her money too, isn’t it?
Well. it would be if you were in sunny California.

20

How sad.