Am I losing my sanity, my marriage, or both?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Looking for some free marriage counseling here. Sorry about the long OP.

Mrs. A and I have been together for 32 years, married 26. Empty nesters with a dog. We love each other and have a lot of fun together. But there’s a huge issue that keeps getting worse.

I earn 90% of our income. She used to be a full-time massage therapist, but left her gig when Covid hit and now brings in about 25% of what she used to. Our current combined income just about covers expenses, while our retirement and “rainy day” funds are much less robust than I’d like them to be at this point in our lives.

I wish she were making more money, but she’s immersed herself in new-agey spiritual pursuits such as Reiki, sound therapy, Tarot, crystals and similar stuff. I think they’re all horseshit, frankly, but I support her interest in them because they make her so happy. And they make other people happy, too, but she hasn’t figured out a way to make any money off them yet. (Meanwhile, she paid someone else $120 for a crystal healing session, so I know it’s possible.)

Since I’m in charge of all our financial stuff (at her urging) I see money going out the door for crystals and card decks and whatnot every week, and I’ve asked her to cut back. Then last week she spent $350 on a crystal globe, and I just about had an aneurysm. I told her it has to stop and …

… here comes the “losing my mind” part …

… she said when I bring my negativity about money into her awareness, it weakens her energy, and these days she’s all about energy. Every time I try to discuss money she dismisses it like it’s a personal neurosis.

My position – which I believe is perfectly reasonable – is simply that she should stop spending money on these things until she’s actually earning enough to pay for them and still support our household. Her position is that her energy is so strong these days she just knows she’s going to turn a corner and start bringing in real money soon, and that my attempts to limit her threaten that energy and thus her ability to turn that corner.

I can’t argue with this woo nonsense, and I can’t abide her spending hundreds of dollars we can’t afford on pretty rocks.

Can anyone suggest a course I’m not seeing?

2

I feel you. I dated a woman very similar to your spouse. I was completely head over heels and earned much more than her. The big difference is that she and I were only dating and she ultimately dumped me.

In my experience, there’s no disabusing them of any of those notions. Presumably she is part of a friend group/support community of like minded people. Most of them feel the same as her and others prey on the community by selling over priced crap. It’s almost like multilevel marketing with a very very few making some money at it and the rest keeping going with true belief and sunk cost fallacy.

My ex-gf was paying off a $6k debt to a Life Coach while living in near poverty with two young children. She had easily twenty tarot decks, which I will grant were beautiful, and never used them. I could go on. I was at least able to stop her from collaborating with the one dude who was clearly an incompetent charlatan. She did so reluctantly and several months later he totally screwed over a friend of hers.

You being in such a long relationship makes this infinitely tougher. I found that the best way to reason with her was to explain things using her terminology and philosophy. Showing a budget and a spreadsheet won’t work with someone who thinks that if they say morning affirmations and visualize owning a twenty acre retreat property will make it eventually happen. Unfortunately, at some level, you just have to accept that this will is how things are going to be. You can probably nudge her here and there though.

Good luck.

3

I’ve actually met some folks in this community and I have to say they’re pretty cool. Some sell stuff, charge for yoga and classes on drum-making, etc., but no serious charlatan-ery (the $120 crystal healing session being the possible exception).

But Mrs. A is super-susceptible to salespeople who know exactly what will click with her. The woman who sold her the $350 globe told her shit like, “Your energy is so high when you’re holding it!” and “I think it was always meant to be yours!” (Note: I wasn’t there. This is what my wife told me in an effort to justify the purchase.)

What is this “accept” idea of which you speak? :stuck_out_tongue_winking_eye:

I recognize that I have a stubborn streak, and have a very hard time accepting situations which I know can easily be altered. This can be easily altered – she just has to stop buying shit. But somehow it’s my fault for not accepting that this is all part of the universe’s plan.

What I’m struggling with is finding a way to, yes, accept this to some extent without completely losing my mind and doing something drastic and irreversible. Like smashing that $350 globe in the driveway.

4

They are for the most part incredibly warm and genuine people who I enjoy very much but their business model is entirely unsustainable and their thinking isn’t logic based. The globe seller was likely sincere and it was probably her only big sale in the last month.

5

Tell her that when she spends a lot of money on items that aren’t necessities it weakens your collective retirement account energy.

That might sound like a bit of a jokey, glib answer, but it has a serious point. Frame the debate in her terms, like ‘argument judo’, and point out that your concerns are just as valid as hers (actually much more valid, but for the sake of argument…). when she overspends it weakens your mental energy and happiness. Not to mention, weakening both your retirement possibilities. Maybe liken positive cash flow to positive chi, or whatever.

6

You each should have $X per week/month/whatever to spend on whatever you want, no explanations required. As long as she stays within her budget, it shouldn’t matter to you how many crystals she buys.

7

Being positive about it can help. My ex took a yoga class and really enjoyed it. No problem there. It’s a fine thing to do. She really hit it off with the instructor who told her that she would make an excellent teacher, which is probably true. She was very excited about the prospect. I was very positive and encouraging and asked a few questions: What does it cost to get certified? How long does it take? What would you get paid per class as a teacher? … It was quickly clear that there was no way it would be viable.

8

I agree with this. Her energy matters, but yours ought to matter, too. I would not talk abou the “retirement account energy”, I would talk about how struggling to pay the bills reduces your energy and makes you unhappy. And about how knowing you have a financial cushion increases your energy.

And it’s not about the stuff. Surely there are things you buy because they make you happy. Maybe it’s nicer food, or more comfortable clothes, or new hand tools. It’s about the total income and outgo.

This is a tool that many couples use successfully. Maybe she needs to save a couple of weeks to buy her next deck of cards. That’s okay, she can see the goal and work towards it. That’s a lot more positive than “I want to smash this crystal ball” and also accomplishes your goal of her spending less.

9

I’d ask her, “If I divorce you, will that weaken your energy?”

10

That would be way the hell more expensive than a crystal globe.

11

I’d like to take a different tack.

Why is she suddenly into new-age pursuits? Is it related to her leaving her profession and she is filling a void? And does she see it as a potential money-maker? My sister could be the next Martha Stewart but she said she would never do it as a profession since it is a hobby of hers. I would also ask how old she is, her health and if maybe she is losing it. At a certain point due to a combination of age and chronic diabetes and heart issues she just went crazy.

12

Yeah, even without kids, I suppose. :laughing:

He could get legal advice, but that’s expensive, too. It sounds like he’s screwed. Tell me I’m wrong.

13

I’m not a big fan of ultimatums, but it sounds like that’s what may be needed here. Tell her indiscriminate spending stops right fucking now and that you are moving your combined accounts to an account with your name only on it. If she has a hissy over that, then you should tell her that you’re going to have to take legal steps to protect yourself.

14

I would like to second this. My mother and aunt (her sister) have both gone down a very similar rabbit-hole as what the OP describes. They both ascribe to positive-energy and negative-energy philosophy (albeit one is Christian and the other more space-alien-New-Age-whatever-woo,) and have become immune to logic, thinking that merely feeling something is the same as that thing actually being backed by facts.

My siblings and I don’t know how to convince my mom to stop hoarding in survivalist fashion and believing every Fox-News-ish conspiracy, and my aunt was convinced the Earth was flat and space aliens were going to take her away (in an almost Heaven’s Gate cult-ish way.) My father won’t do much; my mother has steamrolled him for most of their marriage. I even asked him point-blank if he was going to let her blow all his retirement income after he retires and he laughed out loud, “Yes.”

15

Yep.

No access to cash. No spending.
Simple

16

Been there, tried that. But there’s no enforcement method, short of …

Which feels like overkill right now.

Best laugh of the week so far! But I’m trying not to think about the nuclear option just yet.

It isn’t quite sudden – she’s always been a little crunchy, and it’s always been a nice yin/yang with my bent toward logic and factual observance. But yes, it definitely accelerated during Covid, partly due to her not working and partly (I suspect) due to existential angst.

This is the tricky part. She says so, but I suspect it’s mostly to get me off her back about spending. She also says she hates charging people money for what she does because healing shouldn’t depend on income. To be honest I wouldn’t give a shit if she never made a dime, as long as she wasn’t filling our house with expensive crap at the same time.

17

I suspect this is illegal in most states. They are married, and she is joint owner of that money.

It’s also going to lead to a lot of strife and likely to legal expenses when they divorce.

But you might try my account/your account/our account, with limits on both of you for discretionary spending.

18

How would you make that happen when they are married and are legally both owners of all of that money? She is a spouse, not a child. Very interested in your “simple” way of manifesting that.

19

This.

If you’re funding most (or all) of the woo budget, simply recommend a “not to exceed” value for each month, and hope that she agrees to it.

20

And definitely express to her the importance to you and to your energy of the both of you staying within a budget you can afford. This is a real problem for you, and your will beat convert it to her if you can translate it into language she relates to.