I have been pranked by the universe.
On April 1st I had a hunch that a fetus might have sneaked into my uterus without asking me so I bought a pregnancy test on the way home from work. When it came up positive I screamed, “Oh my god, get in here!” and my husband ran into the bathroom to find out why I was yelling like I’d been stabbed by pirates.
He took one look at me holding the test and said, “This isn’t a funny April Fool’s joke, you know.” I told him it wasn’t a joke and made him look at the test to tell me if he could see if it was positive or not. He determined that it looked like it could go either way and we needed a more conclusive test, so off we went to the drugstore where we bought a variety of pregnancy tests, including one that just says Yes or No as the situation warrants. When we got home I used all 4 tests and all 4 came up positive.
This was not on my list of stuff I wanted to do before I die. I have a very intense fear of needles and a slight mistrust of doctors and medicine in general (because they seem to feel like sticking me with a needle is very important much of the time, but I digress) so I did not want to give birth. Ever. Our plan was to adopt a child someday when we were ready. Unsure of what to do exactly we panicked and called my mother-in-law to ask her advice about this whole situation.
To understand why this was not the best thing to do you have to understand two things. First, my in-laws have a history of pulling off some elaborate pranks for April Fools Day. They once spent 7 months sending letters and pamphlets and such to a friend to convince them that they had been gifted an Ocelot and that it was being shipped from South America to his home as a pet. They got another phone line and everything so that he could call this organization that sends out pet Ocelots and have someone verify the legitimacy of the information he had been sent and had someone deliver about 50 lbs of cat food to his home. They don’t do “little” pranks. Secondly, the one thing my MIL wants more than anything in the world is a grandchild. She has made it very clear to both my husband and his sister that this is the most important thing in the world to her and we’ve even found things she has been buying for her future grandchild even though one was not in existence at the time. She is REALLY into the concept of grandchildren.
So, of course, she thought we were playing the world’s meanest prank on her. After about 10 minutes of back and forth, “Are you sure you aren’t joking?” and, “Dear god, why would we joke about this?” she eventually decided we probably weren’t pranking her and was able to walk us through some of the steps we needed to take in the decision making process.
We considered the possibilities and over the weekend we eventually decided we would keep the baby unless the doctor indicated that I shouldn’t for some reason. So yesterday was my doctor’s appointment where they verified that I am, indeed, hosting a parasitic life form that will eventually turn into a human baby and explode out of my body like in the movie Alien (okay, so maybe I am being a tad melodramatic, but still) and they took sonogram pictures. Apparently we are about 7 weeks along, give or take a couple of days. When they were able to point out the heartbeat my husband just about melted into a pile of the world’s happiest goo. Then they did indeed stick me with needles to take blood for all sorts of tests that they have to run. My doctor was awesome and came in with the nurse who was drawing blood to ask questions and keep me distracted and my husband held me while I cried because they were sticking me with a needle.
My doctor was not a big fan of my c-section under general anesthesia plan. She advised that while that would make it so I couldn’t feel anything it also basically paralyses you and you need a machine to work your lungs, which is fine and dandy except that it also paralyses the baby and there is no machine breathing for it, so it puts the baby in a dangerous position. Unfortunately I am not a big fan of her epidural plan as a giant needle in my spine is one of the scariest things I can imagine. So now I am trying to find a third option.
This is my question to you: is there a third option I can consider or am I fucked?
Also, when does this get exciting? My husband is so happy he is going to be a daddy he is about to burst and my MIL is already referring to herself as grandma, but I am not very happy about this. I’m looking forward to the baby that shows up at the end of all of this mess but the part that comes before the baby terrifies me. I’m vaguely nauseous all the time and not looking forward to giving birth at all but that doesn’t stop the couple of people who’ve found out about the situation from looking at me like I kicked a baby panda because I’m not turning cartwheels over the whole baby deal.