So you hear the doorbell and you go to the door and find a 3 month old baby on your doorstep. There is a note saying that the baby is yours from a one night stand and the mother can’t handle having a new baby. What do you do?
Do you need an answer quickly?
Take it to a neighbour’s place, ring the doorbell, and leave quickly. Leave the note.
Call CPS.
- Check yard for spaceship.
- No spaceship? Call authorities.
- Spaceship? See if infant can lift car.
- If infant lifts car, hide him/her away and work on suit.
Seriously, calling the authorities is the only responsible thing to do. I’d love to have another kid in the house but that sort of thing is best done through channels and not ad hoc.
Call the emergency number and, when the nice cops come to take a baby I have most definitely not fathered (biological impossibility, and I hope that if I’d mothered it I would have noticed), and give them the name of the asshole who lived in that flat before me.
Dude left behind a mountain of unpaid bills and damage to several floors; baby is probably better off in someone else’s hands. My brother and his wife are trying to adopt, wonder if they could take this one?
Quietly sneak the basket over to the porch of that neighbour that I so very much hate.
Call to my wife “Honey, I think Amazon messed up the shipping information again”.
I had a vasectomy twenty-some years ago, so I am pretty sure there’s been a mistake. Unless the baby looks Asian, in which case Shodan Jr. and I need to have a chat.
Regards,
Shodan
Bring baby in, check its temperature/diapers - see it is ok.
Then call police.
Then PLACE A TOWEL OVER MY SHOULDER before holding the baby and patting it on the back. (These creatures will spit all over you!)
If the police had nowhere to take the baby (middle of night), I would offer to watch it until the next day.
Been in a monogamous relationship for 15 years now, but if a baby from a recent one-night stand were a possibility, then I’d arrange for a paternity test. If it comes back negative, then the baby goes to CPS. If positive, well shit, I guess I’m becoming a single parent.
You_Billy, are a level-headed chap.
Well, I don’t want to let it loose in the house with my existing baby; I don’t know if it’s had all its shots. I guess it could stay in the bathroom until we rehome it.
They have Cams now, front & back.
Oh, didn’t they tell you…? 
There clearly would have been a mistake. Like Nava, I can’t father a child and would have noticed had I mothered one.
Even so, finders keepers.
Destroy note.
Call 911.
Soylent Veal
Oops! Screwed up quote.
There we go.
Bad name-post combo.
Squee at the cuteness.
Mollify the wife, because I really am boringly monogamous. So the kid’s not biologically mine.
Call the police, since there’s a father out the being deprived of his paternal rights.
Paternity testing if it’s necessary, just to clear the air.
Raise the little one as my own if necessary.
- Examine baby for resemblance to Husband.
- If resemblance found, have Long, Vehement, Probably Shouty And Tearful Talk with Husband.
- If resemblance, keep baby.
- If no resemblance, keep baby anyway.
Edit: Probably involve cops &/or CPS at some point, to make sure things are legit. But still try to keep baby.
If the baby were in some immediate, real threat of danger, I would do the minimum necessary to remove the danger, and call 911.
If the baby were not in any danger, I would not touch the baby, immediately call 911, and stand guard over it.
I would not check the baby’s fever or check for injuries because if the baby were injured or running a fever there is nothing I can do about it except call 911 and spending time fussing with the baby would just delay getting help.
I would not delay calling 911 or move the baby unnecessarily, because this whole situation is so weird that I don’t know if there is someone in the bushes waiting to call 911 and accuse me of kidnapping the baby.