Baby Tantrums- how to deal with them?

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

Irishbaby is now 15 months old, walking well and trying to talk.
She’s always been super easy- slept through the night from 3 months, eats whatever is in front of her, is ok with strangers, basically a very good child.

But…
Over the last week or two she has started to assert her independence, and this is causing friction.
She has decided she no longer wants to wear clothing, and runs away mid nappy change or if you try to dress her, usually shouting “NO!” at the top of her voice.

I try to stay calm, catch her, tell her she has to wear a nappy and some clothes, and dress her despite the protests.

I fear we have prematurely entered the terrible twos…and I’m trying to cheer myself up by saying that it is because she’s smart…

Advice?

2

Just some generic advice: Pick your battles.

Ask yourself “Is there any reason she can’t run around like Nature Girl right now?” Then act accordingly. Later it might be “Does it really matter if she wears a flowered blouse with a plaid skirt?” or “Will that green lipstick condemn her to a life in caves?”

I always figured my goal as a parent was to turn my drooling poop-machine into a responsible citizen capable of thinking independently and making reasoned decisions. My husband was the one who always said to pick your battles, and I repeated that to myself a lot. I figured as long as she was not in danger, I could deal with the weird hair or the funny clothes or the goofy friends.

We even let her go swimming in December once because she wanted to. Swimming was: don swimsuit, run to lake, jump in, realize how freekin’ cold it was, jump out, run to house. It was over lots quicker than hours of whining “I wanna go swimming!!” Today, she’s a semi-responsible molder of young minds - teaching science to 10-11 y/o creatures.

3

Presumably irishgirl doesn’t want piss and shit everywhere.

4

I’ve heard good things about the book Timeout for Toddlers

5

First, you have to accept that this is fate getting you back for a baby that slept through the night at 3 months, and being so adorable!

Anya is 2 now, and we starting going through the terrible twos at a little later stage than your daughter. Most books I’ve read say about 18 months is average, and Anya was earlier than that.

I would recommend getting some books. I like The Happiest Toddler on the Block, and 1, 2, 3 Magic, although I haven’t used the later yet since it really is for someone already two, but it gives some good ideas.

I treat diapers and clothes differently. I put diapers on Anya. She got used to the fact that daddy would have her lay down for changes where she wouldn’t do that with mommy. I’d sometimes have to do the leg over her body trick, and she would scream, but I got pretty good at getting it done quickly. I would also sing songs to her and make it a game at the same time, and really, really praise her anytime she would fuss less than normal. After a while, she would accept it and we were good.

The idea was that we were going to try to make it really fun, but if not, we were still going to get it done anyway.

Clothes are different, since your have some other tools available. You can give choices, even ones you wouldn’t have selected. Anya loved her rain boots, which she would wear anytime she could. So instead of struggling to get her to put on her shirt, as if she wanted a pink one or a white one.

When we were going through the no dressing stage, I would often ask her the color of my shirt or her mommy’s shirt and see if she wanted to have the same.

Giving a lot of choices during the day helps, I think, because then it doesn’t feel like you will is getting imposed constantly.

Remember that distraction is still your greatest friend at this stage. My friend who has a boy the same age as Anya would “punish” his son by giving a one minute time out starting about the age of your child, but we don’t think that it’s appropriate yet.

Building in routines helps. For example, have the diaper and clothes ready before you take the bath, so that you can quickly get her in them right afterward, and she may accept it more of the process of taking the bath.

I use natural consequences whenever possible. We let Anya watch about 15 minutes of kids DVDs now, and use that time to brush her teeth. When she fights it, then off goes the DVD. I don’t even have to say anything, just turn it off and she know that she needs open her mouth again.

I’ll write more later, but I’ve got to get her to bed now.

Good luck!

6

That went well. Anya settled right down. It was a big day for her, getting up at 2:30 am when the labor started, then watching her younger brother being born and seeing mommy in the hospital. She look a long naps today, but she was pretty beat by night.

Another book I like is Playful Parenting. I like the idea of making things into games. We do that a lot. For example, in the morning, when were getting ready for day care, I’ve got several 5-minute play times built into the route, and she knows that if we can quickly get dressed, it’s that much sooner to “Jump, Jump!” time. So, instead of telling her to get dressed, I ask her if she wants “Jump, Jump!” She does, and then we need that shirt on first.

I don’t really like getting into too many battles of wills. I don’t think anyone wins that way. But, it’s also important to have set limits as well. My sister’s step daughter negotiates everything with her three-year-old, who is starting to turn into a brat, because her mother never just says no.

Another thing which has worked well for us is to provide models of what behaviors we want. Toddlers often don’t understand what’s wrong with a behavior so saying stop isn’t particularly effective in some cases. For example, Anya used to just dump food she didn’t want overboard. Right off the high chair. The “Anya don’t” wasn’t being effective so I tried something different.

I got a blue plastic plate and put that on the table tray as well. Anything she didn’t want would go there. When she would dump something over, I’d pick it up, say, “Give it to Daddy” and put it on the plate. We would also watch her and intercept food she was thinking of chucking, and again say “Give it to Daddy”, and guide it to the plate.

That’s worked well, and now she will give it to me directly if we haven’t set out the plate. She lets me know she needs something, and then hands it to me. It took time training her, but less time than cleaning the floor all the time, and we don’t fight over it.

I talk a lot to her toys, Mr. Bear and Baby. It’s been more than a few days that a particularly fussy girl, who will remain anonymous, couldn’t be consoled and wouldn’t cooperate, but Mr. Bear or Baby would be the first to agree to have some milk or be rocked by daddy.

Good luck! These are fun times. I love being the parent of a toddler. I get a real kick when she shows her independence, and try to find ways to make things smooth for both us of us, knowing that there are days when it’s not going to work.

7

I’ll recommend the only parenting book I’ve found useful (and I’ve read a lot of parenting books!): Parenting With Love and Logic. It’s a little Biblecentric, but the Bible references can easily be taken as metaphoric rather than literal; one need not be Christian. It’s a short book (although there are a slew of others in the series now, but I’ve not read them), easy read and it makes parenting sooooo much easier.

I actually just picked it up again to reread this morning, oddly enough!

Anyhow, the reason I’d recommend it at this stage is that you’re starting to see what the next 16 years are going to be full of: your daughter *wanting *to take responsibility. She’s got to learn to make choices on her own and deal with the consequences. Right now, those are teeny tiny choices with teeny tiny consequences. You can swoop in, helicopter parent style and “save” her when she makes the wrong choice, or you can stand over her, drill sergeant style and make those choices for her, or you can let her make her choices, suffer the consequences and learn from her own experience.

Kids *will *learn from their own experiences eventually. My goal as a parent is to let them have those learning experiences when they’re 2 and the consequences are cold toes, and not when they’re 15 and the consequences involve booze, cars and law enforcement!

So yes, pick your battles. Let her make the choices that don’t really matter, like wearing clothes in the house, and save your authoritarian moments for the ones that do, like wearing clothes to Grandma’s house! :smiley:

If she soils, she can help clean it up, and may very well decide that it would be better to use the toilet. If she’s cold, she’ll have internal motivation to put on some clothes, without one ounce of energy wasted from you.

8

If she’s only going to be in the house, then I’d go with a bribe. If she lets you put a nappy on then she doesn’t have to wear anything else. Maybe ask her to help you stick the tabs down. Saying that, the odd hour or two without a nappy on is a good way to get the potty training started.

For times when clothes are needed, I’d go with offering a choice of outfits. That way, you’re giving her a wee bit of control.

9

This was the primary focus of my parenting style too. I cannot agree enough that a little pain now for both you and your daughter will pay off jackpot style in the future.

In your current situation I would insist on diapers and compromise on clthes around the house. If you house is on the cool side keep clothes for the day somewhere she can reach them or soft warm blankets. When my daughter did the clothes are for the devil stage she would wander around the house in a blanket cape when it got cool.

And keep the camera handy! This is when you get the adorable shots to embarrass them in the teenage years.

10

Clothing is, sadly, not optional- she has to be in clothing and a coat for the trip to her childminder on weekdays mornings.
I’m not sure if she would understand the nuances of “you have to get dressed NOW because it is 8am and we’ll be late” and “sure, run around naked- it is 6pm/Saturday and we don’t have anywhere to be”.
Do you think you can explain that to a 15month old?
I think firmer boundaries would be less frustrating if she doesn’t understand the explanation- does that make sense?

I can totally work on getting her to choose her outfits and since we’re also having the “chucking food on the floor” issue a blue plate may come in handy (thanks TokyoPlayer-great idea).

11

You could try getting her excited about going to see [childminder’s name] and combine that with picking an outfit (you could even let her help you pick yours).

A distraction technique could also work. Maybe give her a bottle, sippy cup, rusk or something to drink/munch on while doing the nappy and clothing. Or a toy, Cbeebies, whatever.

Explaining things is good. Getting dressed NOW because we’ll be late may be beyond her at the mo, but linking it being morning with getting dressed and it being evening with having a bath and running around naked for a bit before bed could work.

12

Whoops! You know what, I was mixing up the child in this OP with the 20 month old DoperKid who’s not eating her veggies. Sorry about that. Yes, with just 5 months difference in age, my answer changes dramatically.

At 15 months, give her 2 and no more choices of outfits, either of which you’d be okay with. The choice isn’t between clothes and no clothes, it’s between the red dress and the pink dress.

If choosing a dress is too much for her to handle in a timely manner in the mornings, have her help you chose an outfit the night before, and hang it somewhere she’ll see it when she wakes up. If even that’s not motivation enough, then move the bath and dressing time to the evening and let her sleep in whatever you want her to wear to daycare!

Flinging a dish in my house means that dinner is over, whether you’ve eaten or not. You’ll sit there (probably not quietly, but you’ll simply be ignored if you’re not) while the rest of us finish, but the natural consequence of throwing away a dish of food is that you no longer have food. That will probably extinguish the behavior because she wants to eat. If it doesn’t, it’s probably because you’re giving her more food than she needs and she’s no longer hungry. If that’s the case, your job is to catch her just *before *she flings it and ask her to hand it to you (or put it in the sink or whatever).

I still urge you to read Parenting With Love and Logic this week; it’s a system best started as young as possible for both parent and child sanity, and there is plenty of advice in there for dealing with toddlers as well as teens.

13

Save a special small toy to play with only during diaper changes. If she’s got something really interesting to hold, it’s harder to fight you. (Maybe a cheap plastic snow globe or something.)

14

This. As often as possible, let her choose things for herself, but you always control what the options are.

15

Widget is the same age as Irishbaby (and is also an Irish baby!) and when she doesn’t want her nappy changed, I recite ‘We’re going on a bear hunt’. Or I put her jeans on my head and sing the ‘I am wearing Widget’s trousers on my head’ song. She gets interested enough in that that she’s fine about the nappy.

For stuff like this, where there’s no clear immediate consequence that she can understand, we mostly use distraction. For stuff where there can be a clear immediate consequence (‘If you put that in your mouth, I’m going to take it away’) we do that. We also use withdrawing attention: if you blow raspberries with a mouthful of yoghurt after I’ve told you not to, I’m not going to give you a reaction, I’m just going to stop having breakfast chat with you and read the paper for a minute.

The thing I don’t know what to do about is frustration tantrums. She’s just started them - flinging herself on the floor howling when she can’t get the right block in the right hole, or whatever. It only really happens when she’s tired - mostly she’s very good-humoured. She’s talking an awful lot for her age, so I’m trying to help her use words instead of tantrums, but I’m not quite sure how.

16

“I’ll be happy to help you with that as soon as you use a nice voice.” Say it only once, then wait for her to come to you. As soon as she does, help her out cheerfully. Don’t mention the tantrum. She’ll quickly learn that it’s easier for her to solve her problem (by getting your help or by trying it again herself) without the tantrum.

Otherwise, ignore it. And try to reduce stressful situations when you know she’s likely to be hungry and/or tired.

17

The Happiest Toddler has a technique for responding to tantrums, where you respond by telling the child what they are feeling, with some emotion, but not at the same level as the child. So when she is crying because she doesn’t want to go, you say “No! No! No go! Anya says No Go!” Once you get their attention, you add in the “but we have to.”

Sometimes it works for me, sometimes not immediately but it seems to be helping her learn to say what she wants.

I don’t know if at 15 months she would have had the emotional control to use words instead of tantrums.

I’ve also found that there are times when letting her cry on her own seems to be the best.

18

I really like both of those! Thank you. A couple of days ago I did try saying calmly, ‘Say “Mama, help please”’ - which is kind of along the lines of what you suggested, WhyNot - and in the end she calmed down and did it.

TokyoPlayer, I also think you’re right about emotional control. I think because she’s ahead of herself verbally at the moment, we may be acting as if she’s ahead emotionally as well, which I don’t think she is. I might try just distracting her from frustrating things for a while longer, and then go to the techniques you’ve both talked about when she’s a bit older.

Thank you!

19

Yay! I’m so glad you found something helpful.

The reason I like “I’d be happy to help just as soon as you [speak nicely/calm down/get off the top of the counter/let the cat out of the shower]” is that a - it’s true and b - I’m not controlling them, they’re controlling themselves. I can’t make anyone say anything. Nor can I make anyone sleep, or eat (without vomiting) or poop on the toilet. Those are all things the kiddo or the kiddo’s body has control over, literally from day one. I can control *my *actions, though. And once they decide to control theirs in an appropriate way, they get what they need. And they know they’ve made the decision themselves, they’ve thought about the options, considered the pros and cons of each one, and implemented the action, which is hugely empowering for them. They don’t need me telling them what to do, they’re smarter than that and they know it, even at 15 months. But if I make it my problem or my decision, they never learn that they’re competent to solve their problems themselves.

That was a huge Mommy Lesson for me, by the way. If I try to control the things I can’t control, they’re going to fight me and all that internal frustration turns into outward anger at me, not at the situation they’ve found themselves in or themselves for getting there. It lets them shift the blame to me without learning how to deal with it themselves. If they learn to control themselves, they’re only fighting their own internal battle…way easier for me! And more educational and empowering for them.

As they get older, this doesn’t end. “I’d be happy to drive you to Savannah’s house, just as soon as you’ve cleaned your room.” “I’d love to have your friends over, just as soon as you’ve finished washing the dishes.” It’s a way to avoid saying “no” twelve thousand times a day, but still reinforce that they’ve got to do the things they’ve got to do. I’m not the bad guy, ever. They have only themselves to blame if they’re stuck home alone and bored with a messy room and a sinkful of dishes. The control is theirs, without me having to live with arguments and begging. They’ve already got their “yes”, now they just need to manifest it!

(Seriously…it’s an awesome book. I was not good at this stuff at first, but it took about a month to retrain us all, and it’s been wonderful ever since.)

20

Waiting for the book to arrive from Amazon!

Getting her to choose the outfit has definitely helped with dressing, as has distraction during nappy times.

I’m trying to let her have a little control- which toy to bring when we go out, whether to have raisins or dried apricots for her snack, which book to read- it seems to be working.

Definitley have to try “I will help when you calm down and use your words”.

Her newest word, however, is “Doodles”- a character on a TV show she watches first thing in the morning with her daddy. She points to the TV and asks for him ALL THE TIME- and then grabs the remote and mashes buttons in a futile mission to make him come on.
Distraction, rather than explaining why we can’t watch Doodles 24/7 seems to be the way out.