Tantrums and insanity...mine.

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
1

As I write this, ToddlerNym is upstairs in the shower. The water is off but she is naked. She is wet and screaming, with snot and drool all over her face, neck and chest. I wouldn’t be suprised if she’s standing in a puddle of urine.

This tantrum started because I got in the shower and she didn’t want to get in. I left her outside the shower. Then she wanted to get in, so she did. Now she doesn’t want to get out. I muscled her out about 10 minutes ago to dry her off, but she went back in.

This is her third tantrum (approx 1 hour each) in the last two days. She has had at least one daily for the last week. They’ve started because of not wanting to wear a diaper, preferring a dirty diaper, preferring pajamas, preferring nudity, the wrong color sippy cup, juice instead of milk when she asked for juice, etc.

I have tried ignoring her, coddling her, yelling at her, and just sitting by while she goes off, nothing works.

My husband is out of town, my nanny is on vacation, my whole fmly lives across the country and I’m losing it. I can’t take it, the screaming is driving me insane.

I’m worried she’s going to hurt herself in the shower, but my mere presence sets her off again. I just want up there and she said she wanted her jammies on and I told her to come downstairs and I’d put jammies on. She said no,she wanted the water on.

I don’t know what to do. I really don’t.

Any suggestions? At this point, I’m just waiting it out…ignoring, trying to ignore her.

BTW, if you hadn’t already guessed, she’s 2.5 years old.

HELP!

Oh shit, she’s out of the shower, screaming getting closer.

2

Well, the tantrum is over.

Total duration: One hour, give or take 5 minutes.

I still would like any advice you all can give me, because my sanity is truly on it’s way to Rio for a vacation from the nightmare of my life.

3

Actually, Baby Kate has been a bit (though not that extreme) like that the last few days as well. And Lady Chance is out of town all week. Coincidence?

All I do is wait it out. Take a position, be firm, don’t fight back and never, NEVER even let it be inferred that your will is not natural law.

Decide what YOU think will happen and make it happen. Don’t be mad, just be matter of fact about it. If her will conflicts with yours (as it appears she’s looking for reasons to do so) don’t let her win the accompanying power struggle.

I know it’s difficult, and you have my sympathies (said Ash to Ripley) but better to establish your authority early on rather than trying to do it when she’s 14.

Also, a part of my approach to this is that you shouldn’t make every decision for the kids. When you don’t have an opinion or there’s no over-riding reason (safety, timeliness, whatever) let the little ones make the decision themselves. That way they feel they DO have power and are more willing to go along with the orders you DO have to give.

Anyway, good luck. I wish I could help more. Toddlers are so much fun, aren’t they?

4

Sue, all I can do is give you a cyber-hug and say “hang in there.” Screaming kids set off the flight center in my brain and I immediately run as fast as I can in the opposite direction.

{{{Sue Duhnym}}}

Oh, wait. Lemme ask MHespos (my mom) what she does in these cases. (She works in child daycare and has to put up with entire roomfuls of toddlers.)

Back in a jiff…

5

Sorry, Sue, no advice. Just wanted you to know that I’m printing the OP and taping to to the bathroom the mirror to remind me to take my birth control pill.

Hang in there.

6

You know you are not a bad mom if you call in a sitter and go out shopping. It allows you and her to have a break. Do you have any friends who could take her for about an hour?

7

::Tyring to figure out how my kid got to your house.

I feel your pain - I deal with the same thing every day - the worst part is when they run away and just don’t want to talk. My kids get so mad they forget what they are mad about and all they know is that they are mad. I give them what they asked for 2 minutes ago and it still doesn’t help.

What I learned is that they are testing your boundaries - this isin’t about soap, or pajammas, or a diaper, it is about how far they can push you and get away with it. The (pajammas, soap, toy, etc…) are just tools used to test you. When I learned to tell the difference between when the child is genuinely mad or upset and when they were just testing me things got much better.

NP: Bruce Dickenson - The Chemical Wedding

8

The gist of what MHespos said is pretty much in line with what J. Chance and Opengrave said…

<paraphrasing>
Toddlers start throwing tantrums when they realize that they can get what they want by going completely berserk. The only antidote to this phase of the terrible twos is to ignore the tantrum and stand firm on whatever caused the tantrum in the first place. Do not budge. Compromising or giving in will just encourage more tantrums in the future.
</paraphrasing>

BTW, I can’t seem to say “Sippy Cup” without exploding into laughter. Why do I find that so funny?

Best of luck.

9

Wish I could offer some great advice, but I don’t have a child. (Just a husband, and raising HIM isn’t easy!) And, no, I didn’t plan to have one even BEFORE reading this!

However, I AM an oldest sister, with siblings 5 and 7 years younger, so I have SOME experience with these matters.

Basically, I’d say the problem is that child has discovered options. And there are so many great ones to choose from, she’s in over her head trying to choose one. She really IS confused – she wants the water in the shower, her jammies, her dirty AND clean diaper, etc. IMO, best thing to do is distract her and if that doesn’t work, try the old “time out” – one minute per year of age. Gives her a chance to calm herself down.

And if none of this works, I agree – get a babysitter for a couple hours. Better still, see if PapaNym will take her for a few hours on the weekend. Give him a chance to bond with her, and you a chance to escape. But mainly, get some time AWAY. It’ll do you both a world of good.

10

This old thread I started in GD a few months back might have some answers. The thread is about the pros and cons of smacking a child. I don’t know (and it’s none of my business) whether you use this form of punishment, but that’s not why I’m providing the link. There were some very helpful replies which you might find pertinent to your situation. Most posters, regardless of their opinions on the debate at hand, tended to agree that consistency was the most important aspect of keeping tantrums under control.

Good luck, and try not to stress it too much. I’m currently off work for a month, and full time babysitting the three year old mentioned in that other thread, while his mother works. So, having had the lil’ terror on my hands 24/7 for a week, with three weeks to go, I know how you feel.

BTW, the snot/spit/pool of urine bit is a good look, innit? Young Ben can spurt various types of liquid from about five orifices at the same time. A great Trevi Fountain impersonation. :smiley:

11

You want five more? Two of them will be teens in the next year. Their tantrums are really fun!

12

I was wondering if Sue was really my wife?!?

Except that our 2.5 year old is a he, this sounds waaaaayyyy too familiar. In addition to echoing all previous comments, I’ll strongly support distraction. It still works pretty well for Val – he’s the most vocal and almost the most stubborn tantrummer of my three boys (hour long tantrums are his specialty). But he’s still at the point where he can be distracted from what’s bugging him, before he gets too wrapped up. Impromptu games of hide-and-seek are my most successful ploy, but whatever works best to divert your daughter’s attention from the tantrum should be tried. Tell her that it’s time to comb her hair, if she likes that. (I have no daughters so I’m having a hard time coming up with other examples.:))

It’s really just a form of ignoring her tantrum, if you just simply go on to something else that you might otherwise be doing with her, while being careful not to make it seem as though the new activity is a reward for her behavior. Just something that will capture her attention other than what you were doing.

For you, try your best to remember that she’s not lashing out at you personally, and don’t take the screams too much to heart. (An almost impossible feat, I know, but it will help to keep you away from the edge.)

And lastly, AS SOON AS YOU CAN TODAY, go out and get a quiet breath of fresh air, for just a few moments even, or anything else that will help you relax a bit and unwind.

Good luck {{{{{Sue}}}}} (my first cyberhug :))

13

Ignore her. I know that it is hard, but I believe that is the most effective way to let her know she will not win. Even better: when it begins, make her go in her room and close the door. Eventually she’ll feel pretty silly throwing a tantrum all alone in her bedroom. Don’t let her out until she has regained control and has apologized for her behavior. Works like a charm for my son!

Good luck!

PS. A good set of ear plugs work well while she regains control of herself. :wink:

14

My pet theory in regards to tantrums is that they are an unpleasant but necessary step in growing out of toddlerhood.

Children at this age (2-3) are becoming more and more aware of so many things-all the choices they have to make (juice or milk?, red shirt or blue?, doll or puzzle?, swing or slide?), their responsibilities for their own bodies (we expect them to control their urges to grab/hit/pinch, to “use words”, to feed themselves, use a potty, clean up their toys) as well as the fascinating, seemingly limitless emotions they feel.

Just as many children at this age go through very “loving” stages-lots of hugs and kisses and snuggles-they also go through tremendous rages. I think they need to. These emotions can be frightening in their intensity. They need to experience their anger fully, in a safe and secure environment. They need to feel out the limits of their anger and frustration and learn that their tantrums, while scary, will not actually make anything bad happen.

This means that, as adults, we have to show, through our words, manner and actions, that we are not frightened. If we respond with anger-losing control ourselves-we validate the child’s feeling that these emotions are powerful, that they control him. If we respond with calmness and empathy and offer comfort when the child is ready, we help him or her to feel in control.

I have never had much of a problem (with any of my 4 kids) with the “I want candy” type of tantrum in the middle of the grocery store, probably because I never allowed that sort of behavior to change my decisions. Kids will learn pretty early on that it just isn’t an effective motivator. But we have had plenty of the unexpected meltdown type. Usually, we could look back and figure out that there was a hunger/fatigue/stress trigger. But sometimes, we couldn’t figure out what the cause was. Sometimes, I think, they just need to do it. And they almost always grow out of it.

15

I heard this somewhere, and this may seem a little mean, but laugh at her.

That’s right, laugh at her. Show her you’re not taking her seriously. She wants to get you angry so that you cave in. I’m not sure if this’ll work at first, but keep on doing it. But then, if I saw a two year old throwing a tantrum, I wouldn’t want to laugh. But I heard this somewhere. I think it was my Child Growth and Development class. Of course, it may not work as every child is different. Just a suggestion.

16

It helps to know that I’m not alone in this, that the severity isn’t unusual.

ToddlerNym fell asleep on my lap no more than 15 minutes after she stopped. Poor kid.

She’s doing well this afternoon, thank goodness. I don’t think I could handle another one today.

She always gets plenty of choices, innocuous ones, but choices nonetheless. What she wants to eat (waffles for dinner once), what she wants to wear (this is always fun), etc.

I called my husband (in tears, I was really losing it) after she fell asleep and he reminded me that out of the last five weeks, 3 have been travelling and being spoiled by Grandparents and being thrown off her schedule. Thinking about it that way, I guess I can’t blame her.

Time for retraining.

I’m going to focus on explaining to her why her behavior is unacceptable and then ignoring the tantrum until she’s done.

Gawd help me.

17

Done that. Not on purpose though, sometimes she throws really funny tantrums. Didn’t work.

Plus, right now she LIKES to make me laugh, so it’s counterproductive.

Thanks though.

18

try to remember…

She is not having these tantrums because you are a bad parent.

She is not having these tantrums because she is a bad child.

Allowing your child to experience and express anger is not a bad thing. Whether their anger is directed towards you for refusing the car keys when they’re 16, or for cutting them out of your will when they’re 40, or for forcing that yellow sippy cup from hell on them when they’re 2…it’s not a bad thing. Nowhere in our parental duties is it either expressed or implied that our sole purpose is to keep our children happy all the time. It’s just that at two years old, she has yet to learn how to choose her battles, and she hasn’t learned how to appropriately express her anger.

It’ll all fall into place someday. Small consolation that is now, I know. But it will, trust me.

A couple things that worked with my son…

When the screaming started I at first found myself running around like a maniac trying to figure out what in hell was wrong this time. Trying to communicate only resulted in a shouting match…I had to increase my volume in order to be heard over the amazingly loud shrieks coming from that tiny little body, and that tiny little body would emit even louder shrieks in retaliation. Once in awhile, if I started talking verrryy quietly (after I assured myself that accident or injury had not taken place)and maintaining eye contact with said shrieker, he would stop the screaming almost instantly so he could hear what I was saying. I’d start out with saying stuff like “Too bad I can’t understand what on earth you’re trying to tell me…I wish you could stop crying so you could talk to me in a way that I can understand. Most things, all you have to do is ask, you know…” Most times it worked, but kids are smarter than we give them credit for. They seldom fall for the same trick twice in a row.

Another thing that would work to sometimes stave off a tantrum is enforcing some house rules on Mommy. Kids have house rules that are enforced all the time. No throwing toys down the stairs in reckless abandon, no poop in the bathtub…stuff like that. The only rule I really remember enforcing on myself was that no matter what, Mommy cannot change her mind. Once Mommy makes a decision no amount of screaming, head pounding, or crocodile tears will allow Mommy to break the rules and change her mind. I will admit that this works better with a child older than two and a half.

Last thing…I found that once I stopped phrasing what I wanted him to do in the form of a question, it gave him almost no opportunity to tell me “NO!”, so there was little to no chance of even starting with a battle of wills. Instead of saying things like “Let’s go take a shower now, OK?” or “It’s time for you to take a nap/eat your lunch/get your diaper changed now, OK?” or “Help Mommy pick up the toys now, OK?” I would say “Time for our shower, let’s go!”, or “YOU, Mr. Stinky, need a clean diaper! Follow me!” all in a happy happy joy joy sing song voice that said life is SO grand and it’s sooo much FUN wiping your little ass I just can’t STAND it! If I knew how, I’d insert that little rolly eyed smiley right here.

But there are days, man there are just some days…when you want to scream back and get down on the floor and pound your head right next to them, and tell them: " Oh grow up, will ya?!?"

19

Just wait til you get to the “why” stage. Damn, but I regretted teaching the kids how to talk.

As has been stated, this is a test. A test of boundries. You have to gird you loins (whatever that means) and remove her bodily to a safe location whist you do the things you need to do. Learn to block out unpleasant noises. Sing to yourself, just low enough where she can hear you, but not very well. She may be curious enough to stop the tantrum and you will be able to re-direct her energies. And most of all - Good Luck and welcome to the terrible two’s!

20

You know Lyl, I keep telling my kids I am going to chance my name from mom to something they don’t know.
My foster daughter was telling me that she cannot wait until her daughter learns to talk.
My husband had to pick me up off the floor from my fits of laughter.
The things I regrett saying: Gosh I can’t wait till Little Kricket crawls/walks/talks.
The horror! Little Kricket is my oldest by birth, and when she was 2.5 years, she used to fit so bad she would make herself vomit. I always had to carry two sets of extra clothing with me in case she had a fit.
I would calmly tell her she wasn’t impressing me or anyone else, and she was making herself stink.
What would make matters worse was the people around me trying to baby her over me trying to ignore the fit.

If all else fails, message me and I will send you up a good set of ear plugs.