My toddler has a temper. Advice wanted

In My Humble Opinion
1

No, we can’t exchange him for a different unit, I checked already.

My son is two years and eight months, he’ll be three in October. He gets angry or frustrated and then throws things. When we take stuff away, then he hits or tries to grab and twist our skin.

Time outs are readily working. He screams for as long as it takes one of us to break down and comfort him. Yesterday, for example, he kept throwing things so I put him in a timeout. After a couple of minutes, I went and opened the gate on the stairs so he could come back down and he wouldn’t. He would just scream and scream. I’d leave him for 5 or 10 minutes and then come back and see if he was through crying, but he wouldn’t stop until my wife finally came after 20 minutes. That’s a long time to listen to a screaming child.

When my daughter was the same age, she never had the same temper. Of course, like all toddlers, she’s get mad, cry and scream, but she wouldn’t throw things. She also cared much more about being corrected, so being told “no” firmly was enough to get her to change many of her behaviors.

My sister warned me about parent who believe they have great parenting skills, but when the next child comes along they quickly realize it was the luck of the draw. I feel this is exactly what happened here. I spend a lot of time figuring out things which worked with my daughter, and there weren’t as many problems. It must be that she was just an easier child. For example, there was a time when she was dumping food she disliked over the edge of the high chair. I’d put another plate there and tell her to put unwanted food on the plate “for Daddy” to eat, and that ended the need to clean the floor.

When I was a child, my parent would never have tolerated this, and would have used increasingly stronger physical punishment, escalating to what was well over the line into abuse. Obviously, that is something which is terrible wrong, and we don’t and won’t go there.

But what are some good alternatives? He’s less verbal than his sister was at comparable ages and stages. My wife believes he is doing this partly because he can’t express himself as well as he wants and will outgrow throwing things. That could be, but it’s certainly not fun in the meantime.

Has anyone gone though sometime similar?

2

The more you get involved in battles of will with him, the more the behavior will continue.

3

My daughter had a terrible temper at that age. She would throw fits like nobody’s business. But luckily, I have a couple years of daycare under my belt so I was better able to handle the outbursts. First off, don’t back off of time out. He shouldn’t be in time out for any longer than 2-3 minutes at this age. It’s one minute for every year of age. Be persistent and don’t give in until the time’s up. If need be, buy a timer so he knows when it dings, time-out’s over. But outside of time-out, any sort of physical discipline is not going to have good outcomes. Your wife is right too about the outbursts. Kids that age are completely unable to vocalize what they’re feeling and thinking. Sometimes it’s best for YOU as the adult to verbalize for them.

When my daughter would throw a fit, how I approached it depended on how much of a fit it was. If it was full on screaming, on the floor tantrum, the best approach is to completely ignore them. They’re not going to comprehend anything you say to them while they’re in that state anyway. I know it’s hard but you can’t give them the attention they’re seeking. Because if you give in to the tantrum, it just reinforces the behavior. And yes, I had her scream for 30 minutes or more. But the more persistent I was, the shorter the tantrums became.

Now, if she was just being a bit bratty. Say, she wasn’t listening. Or if I asked her to do something and she said no and I foresaw a tantrum coming, I would be quick to stop it. Normally I would do this by first acknowledging her feelings “I see that you are VERY angry that Mommy wants you get your jammies on.” Normally, this isn’t an immediate solution but it’s a good starting point. Then I would say something like “But it’s bedtime and we need to have nice jammies on to keep our bodies warm while we sleep.” Then I would try to distract her. Distractions work GREAT at this age. “You can pick out the jammies you want to wear tonight.” Giving them choices is also a great thing to do at this age. Even small ones can make a big difference. Just be sure that if you give them a choice, that you’re going to be happy with whatever choice they make.

Basically, just be calm. Don’t fight back. The more you fight, the worse it becomes. I’m not saying to give him everything he wants. Be more understanding of where he is emotionally and mentally and try to shape your tactics around that. And pick your battles. If he wants to wear a blue striped shirt with checkered pants and firemen boots one day, is it the end of the world? You might feel a bit embarrassed going out to the store with him, but he’ll be so proud that he was able to choose his clothes and it just might set the mood for the rest of the day.

4

Oh and in regards to him being physically violent with you, that’s definitely something to focus on now. Don’t be violent back of course, but you need to make sure he knows that is NOT ok. My daughter slapped me once and I immediately responded. “We do NOT hit. That is NOT ok.” Make sure your voice is very stern and serious but not yelling. If she did it again, immediate time out.

5

I never had that kind of extreme behaviour from my kids, mind you as my youngest is now 21 my parenting was a bit more old school than current trends.

One thing i did do when one of my kids ( i forget which one) threw a full on tantrum on the floor once, was to lie down beside him on the floor and throw a bigger tantrum myself.

He stopped throwing his to watch me with wide eyes and I think got so distracted that he forgot what he had the shits about.

6

You had the bad luck of having a daughter first :slight_smile: My son was the same way, it sucks to have to listen to crying for a long time, but just make sure they are not in danger, and then let them be on their merry way! As a matter of fact, my daughter was a perfect child compared to my son (15 months younger), but one time after “Please pick up your toys” she didn’t want to do it. I had to watch her writhe around the floor screaming and crying for 45 minutes saying “I don’t want too” while I calmly watched TV or fixed dinner. Eventually, she cried and screamed WHILE picking up the toys and when everything was cleaned up, I hugged her and went on with the night. The important part is to stick with it, crying never hurt anyone, so just tune it out if there is no danger involved.

7

also, just to put your mind at ease, my parents also did the “I’ll give you something to cry about” parenting skill, you don’t need to do that. Learning from your parents can also mean learning what NOT to do.

8

With the kids I’ve helped raise, when they started hitting the first time would be “NO”; a second time would be “grab their hands and do not release until they calm down”. Never with enough force to hurt, but making it clear that hitting people or animals is not acceptable. We also gave them things they could hit: punching Mommy not OK, punching pillow OK.

Those who threw things were given things and directions it was acceptable to throw. Throwing a soft item to the side of the bed OK, throwing a hard item not OK, throwing anything in any non-approved direction not OK. If they were throwing the right item in the wrong direction they’d be turned in the right direction.

9

So it sounds like there is a point where the angry screaming-crying goes into sad-comfort-me crying? Because a 20 min time-out pretty long for a 2-y/o.

When you deliver a consequence, such as a time-out, do you deliver it with empathy/very lovingly? This might help diminish the crying going into needing comfort, it also makes it clear that a time-out is about calming down, not about daddy not loving you anymore. ETA: is he quite far removed from you when he takes his time-out? Can he hear you carrying on with your life just around the corner?

Why does he get so upset? Like you say, it is difficult for them to express themselves at that age. This means they have very little control over the events around them, and a lack of control (however tiny) can be very frustrating. Do you give plenty of options, within the scope of things that you want? So for example, you might say: would you like story first, or jimjams first? Both lead to the outcome of going to bed, so both are desirable for you, but it gives him some perceived control over his life. That could lead to less frustration, and less anger over not being able to express what he wants?

10

I think there is some confusion about the time-outs: As I read it, they are two minutes, not twenty, but they lead to inconsolable crying that lasts for 20 minutes or more. So instead of time out leading to a little calm-down, they escalate the situation.

11

Lots of good advice in this thread, but I’m afraid my answer to the above is to repeat the advice to ignore him as long as he’s screaming (assuming that you’re not concerned for his safety). Tell him you’re not going to listen to him scream and that you’ll come back when he calms down, then go away and DON’T GIVE IN. I’ve got a four-year-old and I know that listening to your child scream is like taking a cheese grater to your nerve endings but be strong - he needs to learn the lesson that the tantrums don’t work. It will get better as long as you don’t sabotage yourself.

After that, the advice about giving him more control over his life in little ways is good (although I say this as the parent of a child who has taken that a bit too far and is now trying to boss me around all the time - ha!).

12

As has been suggested elsewhere on the dope, try putting his favorite stuffed animal into time-out instead of him. Post back with results!

13

I am not a parent but even I know if you go into the screaming child after 20 minutes you’ve only taught him he needs to scream for 20 minutes every time.

14

My daughter has done the time-out screaming. Dunno if it’d help with you, but before I leave her to cry, I tell her I love her, I offer a hug, and I tell her I look forward to reading her a book once she’s feeling calm. The expectation (chill the fuck out) stands, but it’s bookended with reminders that she’s loved.

15

I’m not a parent so…what if you scared the crap out of the kid? Put him in a dark room, scratch the walls, make ghost noises, pop out of corners and yell boo. Nothing physical, but that should get him to behave, right?

16

Mine too. I distinctly remember reacting to that statement by thinking “if you’re upset about something to the point of crying, and you go to mommy about it, you end up upset about the original thing and mommy will do something to make it worse”. It’s a shitty lesson for a kid to learn.

17

Something to try – when he’s sitting on the stairs screaming, show him that you understand why he’s sitting on the stairs screaming. “Are you mad that daddy put you in a time out? Does that make you sad and angry? You’re mad that daddy put you in a time out, aren’t you.” (Repetition helps)

Most tantrums aren’t really about whatever it is that the kid is upset about, it’s that they’re upset and no grown-ups seem to acknowledge that they’re upset. It’s very frustrating for a child.

If he just wants to be sad and cry, send him to his room and tell him to come down when he’s ready. But I always make sure I acknowledge the situation first.

18

I don’t have kids myself. I taught toddlers in daycare, but it’s been quite a few years ago, so I am out of practice. That said, I would suggest watching and trying to catch these episodes before they happen whenever possible. Maybe if you catch him getting frustrated and acknowledge it, while giving him the words for it and perhaps redirecting, that would help keep it from escalating. Hell, that’s what I have to do with myself as an adult: “Wow, this computer is hard to work sometimes. It makes me so angry! Maybe I will have a drink of water and go do something else for a while until I feel calm again.” :slight_smile:

19

Nobody brought this up re: time-out, but what I always do when I go back in to get him is ask him to explain to me why he was in time-out. I think it reinforces after the fact that Daddy wasn’t just being mean and time-out sucks…it reminds him that his actions resulted in this consequence.

ETA: this, followed by a big hug and immediately returning to follow through on whatever action he was refusing to take, or rectifying any actions he did take e.g. picking up thrown food or toys.

20

Please tell me you’re not serious.