Just what the title says. I’m trying to get some new ideas on how to deal with my very head-strong two-year-old. We’ve been using “time-out” for awhile now, but she’s still not getting the hang of it. Should I be waiting until she stops screaming to start “timing” the time-outs? If I did, she could be sitting there for half an hour at a go!
Just want to hear different techniques.
We frame time-outs not as punishment, but as a chance for our sons to calm themselves. So if one of them is hitting or freaking out about something, he needs to go sit (we have specific places for each of them) for a certain period of time and work on getting it together while he’s there. We’ve talked to them about calming strategies - deep breaths, counting, etc.
That said, two is still pretty young. She’ll get it eventually, but I wouldn’t bother waiting until she stops screaming to start the countdown. I also wouldn’t let her out of time out if she is still in mid-tantrum. If the time is up and she’s still out of control, I’d go in, sit with her, and try to get her to help you solve the problem using as many words as she can muster and without hitting or yelling.
What C3 said.
Watch a little Supernanny sometime.
A) She limits time-outs to the same number of minutes as the age of the kid.
B) No, I don’t think she starts timing the time out until the meltdown is over. She does restart the timer if the kid’s butt gets up off the time out spot.
C) Yes, this could take all day. That’s why parenting is such a hard job. To be consistent, you have to be engaged 24/7. Who wouldn’t get worn out and frustrated?
I’ve seen Supernanny put a kid in time out over and over and over and over again (but it’s only for a few minutes, especially the younger the kid is) and usually on the third or fourth time out, the kid starts to get it and realizes if it just will mellow out for a minute, it’ll be allowed to go about its business of taking over the world. The more tantrum shenanigans = more time outs.
ETA: Supernanny also follows up at the end of the time out, consistently. Actually she does two things consistently: 1) Always tell the kid why they are going to time out. I’ve seen parents say “stop that!” without specifying exactly which behavior must stop. Confusing if you’re only 3. And, 2) Always end the time out by reiterating the reason, asking for an apology (doesn’t have to sound sincere), and always telling the kid you love it and give it a hug.
If there’s waiting, Time Out is the place where it happens. There is no waiting to go in, if the behavior merits it.
When you have stopped screaming, composed yourself, and indicated an interest in rejoining society, that’s when you get out of Time Out.
Thanks, guys. Helpful stuff. So a time-out not to be used as a punishment, but a chance for her to get ahold of herself. I’ve been using it for both situations. So what do you use as punishment if it’s just a straight-up naughty moment as opposed to a temper-tantrum?
And don’t worry–I’ll do it all day if that’s what’s needed, just wanted to make sure that was a productive way to do it. It has happened before. She once pulled her baby brother’s hair, and wouldn’t apologize so we sent her to time out. Let her out after two minutes and asked her to apologize again. She preferred to back to time out. Rinse, repeat, for two frickin hours. Stubborn girl! But she did eventually give in and apologize, and next time something similiar happened she apologized right away so I think we got the message across.
Setting the DVR to record Supernanny straight away.
I’m sorry, but this made me laugh. 
Claire is 2 1/2, and a few months ago I pretty much gave up the idea of time outs. I think she’s too young to get it. She seemed to even enjoy the novelty and deliberately do things to get a time out. I recently read Siblings Without Rivalry, and as much as I had a strong knee-jerk law & order reaction to their suggestion that punishment isn’t very useful, I do think it is true for my little one. If she abuses things they get removed from her, whether that’s her dinner, a toy, or her sister. I explain and model the behavior I expect, and I try to reflect what she’s feeling in words she can understand (“You’re really angry at me, and that’s OK, but we don’t throw things at each other when we’re angry”).
Two is in many ways just a time to endure and cope, and know it will end. Don’t make yourself too crazy trying to instill good behavior in a person with almost no impulse control.
The recent episode of Radiolab (great listen for everyone, btw) suggested that kids don’t really think for themselves until age 6. Until that age it is much more stimulus and learning and repeating behavior going on. So you need to be informative and consistent and let the child know that they are responsible for their own behavior and consequently their time outs.
The thing of biggest importance is that time out is removed from anything fun or distractions (Supernanny puts it in a hallway or dining room corner, we used our bed) as it is exactly like C3 said, “it is about calming down more than punishment.” We started time outs at two for hitting or anything truly physical and at three for not listening, making messes. You will very quickly be seeing your child look at you while doing anything “naughty” as they know what they are doing and waiting for you to respond. It is all about consistency (even out for dinner or at playdate, they go to time out) and you will see that it takes less than a week to have them master it. They will continually push boundaries, but let them know what they are ahead of time as they get older and they usually do a very good job policing themselves.
Time-outs, bedtime, and potty training are all the exact same process in different forms.
The little Torqueling is 3. First comes the warning, because that’s only fair: “Do that again, and you’re going to get a time out.” If the bad behavior continues, it’s T.O. time. If she won’t go on her own, I’ll pick her up and carry her to her bedroom and sit her down on her bed, where there’s nothing to play with. Then I tell her, “Do not get up, do not play. You’re in time out for (whatever).” Then I leave the room and wait the appropriate length of time (the one-minute-per-year-old rule is a good rule of thumb), go back in, and talk to her, so she understands why we didn’t want her doing whatever she was doing. Then we’ll walk back out together.
I can think of only one time when I came back into the room, asked her if she was ready to talk, and got a “NO!” and left the room, restarting the timer. Apparently she figured out that that wasn’t going to get her where she wanted.
Must be frustrating to be little. Have you ever thought just how many times a day you say “no” to your kids? It’s a little troubling. I try to creatively steer her whenever I can without just saying “no.” I feel that a lot of misbehavior stems from their frustration over being told “no, no, no” so much.
Two is young for a time-out. They just don’t have a good grasp of cause and effect.
When my kids were that little, we used a combination of techniques:
1. Nip it in the bud. If you know the sort of trouble your kid is likely to get into, try to avoid giving him the opportunity. For example, if he won’t stop touching a breakable lamp, put the lamp in the closet for the next six months. You’ll have plenty of time to work on self-discipline in the face of temptation when he’s a little older.
2. Redirect. Distract him from the misbehavior by offering him something more constructive to do. If he’s teasing the cat, get him to come help you “wash the dishes” in the kitchen instead. Yeah, it may take more of your time … but continually scolding someone takes a lot of time too and it’s a lot more fun to play with a toddler than yell at one.
3. Show your disapproval. Pick him up. Frown and stare at him really hard. Say in a very stern voice: “I DON’T LIKE IT when you run out in the street.” Keep looking at him and sending off waves of “Mommy is MAD” until he cracks and breaks down in tears. For a two-year-old it shouldn’t take long. Then give him a big hug and let him go.
Remember with the last one to always concentrate on how you don’t like what he’s DOING, not that you don’t like HIM. And don’t try to explain why you’re made or reason with him. Keep it really simple: You don’t like when he does that. You’re mad at him. And he can feel, keenly, that you’re mad at him.
I eventually got my kids to the point that I could stop misbehavior with an angry look from across the room … .
In regard to Max Torque’s post, yes, kids learn very early that “NO” is a word of great power…why do you think it is so popular with toddlers?
I had very strong-willed kids myself (go figure:p), and time-out was never a case of simply ordering them to a corner…it involved physical removal and enforcement (removing them and then putting them back over and over).
I’m actually not a huge fan of time-out as usually practiced. I agree with the idea of a time to calm down and regain control, but not as punishment, and it is often very difficult to separate the two in practice. Time Out as usually defined has always been a last resort for me, as both a teacher and a parent.
I prefer the approach of removing the child from the situation and diverting them to another activity until they calm down and discussing (as far as is possible, depending on age) the initiating issue. No real need to make it an official thing (“a time out”)…just say, “You seem really upset/frustrated/tired. Come sit with me or sit over here and do this puzzle or look at this book for a while until you feel better/calm down. When you do, you can go back and play. I can’t let you hurt someone.” (and enforce it…don’t allow them to rejoin “society” until they are actually calmed down)
It can also be helpful to model use of a “time out” yourself…when you feel yourself getting frustrated or irriatated, say, “Whew! I’m going to go sit over here for a few minutes and calm down! I need a time out.” You set an example of a safe, rational way to deal with those feelings. I’ve seen 2 and 3 yr olds who would put THEMSELVES in “time out” when they were getting frustrated as a result of such modeling by adults.
Even better is catching the melt-down BEFORE it starts and diverting…I spent a lot of years doing this in classrooms full of 2-4 yr olds, and it is usually possible to spot a child getting ready to bite or pull hair or otherwise lose it over a dispute, swoop in, distract and avert, thereby eliminating the need for “official time out”. You have to be observant for the signs and it’s not always possible, but IME at least 80% of such incidents can be prevented.
2 year olds are typically not capable of controlling themselves to any great degree in the face of hunger, tiredness, frustration and usually don’t get much out of time-out when it is termed that way and used as an after the fact penalty. They do benefit from an attentive parent or caregiver who acts, calmly and matter of factly, to PREVENT them from performing their inappropriate actions and remedy the underlying causes.
Just my 2 cents…good luck! 
One thing I learned very early on with my children is to reward them for positive behavior.
I’m not talking about giving them candy or something, but using words.
“You are playing so nicely by yourself.” “You share with X so well.”
Rewarding for good behavior in small ways is just as important as talking the child out of the action when they become overwhelmed and little balls of fury.
When they get all balled up in a fit of tantrum, pull them aside and tell them when they can calm themselves down they can rejoin the activity. If they cannot, they leave. It is one or the other.
For me, it was always during grocery shopping. Always. I only had to remove US from the store once to show I meant business.
For something dangerous, like running in the street, “scared” seems to work just as well as “mad”, at least with the Torqueling. Example: during her bath recently, she stood up in the bathtub and jumped up and down. I caught her and, putting on the scared face and urgent voice, told her I was really afraid she was gonna hurt herself because the bathtub is really slippery, and people get badly hurt all the time from slipping in bathtubs, so please don’t do that again because it scared me so much. She saw how much it scared me and figured it had to be really serious, so she reassured me she’d never jump in the bath again.
New discipline tool that seems to be working well: we bought two clear jars and a bunch of colorful fluffy pompoms from the crafts section of Wal-Mart. At first, all the pompoms go in the Bad Girl Bucket, but when she does good stuff, like cleaning up after herself, remembering her manners, or brushing her teeth, a pompom gets moved into the Good Girl Jar. Doing bad stuff, like throwing tantrums or playing around when we’re trying to leave the house, gets a pompom moved back into the Bad Girl Bucket. When the Good Girl Jar is full, she gets to go shopping for a new toy or book. There are 100 pompoms, so even at a rate of five a day, you won’t break the bank or anything. So far, the only snag is that she freaks out about losing pompoms almost as much as if she were having a tantrum in the first place. heh.
This is so very very important. Getting attention is good. Being ignored is bad.
If you hoover over the chld in time out, they might act up to get your attention. Put the child there and walk away. When she calms down, then come get her and say “I like being around you when you are acting nice.”
Why a time out sitting on a step or chair so popular these days rather than standing in the corner? From the age of three or four our parents had us stand in the corner when we misbehaved, and a babysitter did timeouts in chairs…standing in the corner was a better deterrent from doing whatever again because it was so boring just staring at a wall.
I don’t know anything about kids, but I’ve heard Dr. Drew recommend the book Time-out for Toddlers
When I was a SpazKitten in nursery school, we had to stand against a tree when we got in trouble while playing outside. The tree was in front of where all the “teachers” sat so they could make sure we were against the tree for the whole time out time. You could draw pictures in the dirt during time-out time–at least I remember doing that. But that’s boring when you’re three and you want to run around and yell and play on the swings and seesaws and monkey bars.