Not sure if this is a GQ or IMHO. Just curious what experiences some of the doper 'rents have had with using time outs with 29 month old kiddies. China Bambina needs some sort of discipline and I’m not into the spanking thing.
I’ve worked developmentally delayed three year olds (most at the developmental age of 18-28 months) and we used time outs. They didn’t like them, of course, but they almost always understood that it was a result of their not correcting their behavior after their second warning. 1-2-3 magic has a movie and book about how to give effective time outs to children of various ages.
here’s the website, btw. http://www.thomasphelan.com/
My littlest one will be 3 end of December, I’ve been using Time Out with her just about since she turned 2. I grab her up (after 2 warnings), put her on the sofa, chair or whaterver, and say “Mommy’s not happy with you right now”, then ignore her for a couple of minutes. She doesn’t usually stay on the chair for the whole time, but she is definitely unhappy for the whole time. Then I hold her close, and gently tell her what she did that was wrong. This method works so well (did with my older two kids, too), that usually, just saying “do you need a time out?” is enough to make her stop what she’s doing. Also, I’ve never had to give her more than 2 time outs for the same offense; two seem enough to break her of thinking something (like spray cleaning the cat) is a good idea.
I have used them for 2 year olds living with me. They really worked and were particularly good at curbing temper tantrums. I found the best time at place was at the end of the hall. We always turned the light on. It had carpeting and was generally not a scary or very interesting place. This was for punishment for innappropriate attention getting behaviors and general incivility. The time period was until he thought he could behave like a human being.
If he threw things, hit someone, or did something dangerous after proper warning, he had to sit still in the big chair for a few minutes, timed carefully and the time started over if he got up, behaved more inappropriately. Also any thrown toy was put up where he could see it from the big chair and could not get to. The toy stayed there 3 times as long as he had to sit still.
Putting him at the end of the hall for tantrums was the only way I found to cut those out. It gave him a place to calm down and since there was no one around to feed his behavior he did calm down. We also welcomed him warmly when he came walking back down the hall not screaming and making a fuss. Once he went back there on his own to calm down.
With him it was very important to explain everthing. Why you wanted him to do stuff. Why you expected him to act a certain way, and most important, what he was not allowed to do. His behavior improved the more we explained. His mother got a boyfriend that felt this explaining was molly-coddling him, and thought spank first and never explain was the way to go. The longer he was in his care, the worse behaved and more sullen he became.
I know little about two year olds, but I thought you might be interested in a predecessor of timeouts which my parents used on my brothers and me for years. If we were misbehaving (I don’t remember the specific offenses), we’d be told to “Go and stand with your face to the wall!” This meant stand with your face nearly touching the wall of whatever room you were in for the specified amount of time. What made it particularly bad was you could hear interesting conversations and activities going on, but you could not participate. For a curious, active kid, this was a form of torture, which added to the incentive not to repeat the behaviour. I think it might make it easier for kids to calm themselves down because they don’t have any sort of visual stimulus. It also makes it easier on the parents because presumably the kid’s close at hand. When I first started hearing about time outs, they sounded similar.
Then again, with what I know about kids, this could be completely off base.
CJ
CJ, I think you’re very much on the money. Standing facing the wall or in the corner was absolutely a predecessor to time-outs, and I know some parents who still use it. As for keeping my little one close at hand, I can find a place for a time-out just about any where in the house.
We use timeouts (sparsely) for Baby Kate. If she’s out of control we tell her she needs a time out. Sometimes that gets it done right there.
If it doesn’t we put her on one. It lasts one minute. When it’s over, if she’s still not got it together we do another one for two minutes (and so on…).
Each time we tell her how long it’s going to be and set a timer that she can hear (it beeps when the time is up).
It works, but you have to be calm about it and consistent in application. And it takes time to have an impact. Don’t assume that the first time you do it she’ll automatically find self-discipline. Over time she’ll learn that you mean it and begin to think about ways to avoid the time outs.
Hmm. Have a special place or chair or something, too. Make it a small ceremony that she’s being placed on time out. That will make sure she differentiates the ‘time out space’ from the rest of the house.
Give them a try.
Works wonderfully on my son.
Nothing we are willing to try works on my daughter. Who if you give her a time out wil walk out of it. If you put her in her room she will walk out of it. If you say no, she has a temper tantrum - longest was two hours of screaming in her room.
Fortunately, she seems to be outgrowing this behavior, or I will have the teenager from hell.
(When she is sweet, she is, of course, the sweetest, most wonderful, beautiful smartest three year old in the world. But she has a little bit of a temper.)
Try the spanking thing.
One word of warning, be very careful about the timing, remember the age.
My DH was left in the corner for over an hour once when his father forgot he sent him there :eek:
I myself, am not against a spank on the bottom, as long as you are not angry when you do it (can easily get out of control) and you explain carefully why they are getting/got one and reassure them that you love them after.
Also, we first started using time outs when ours was about 2. It didn’t really sink into recently; I think she didn’t really get it.
I’ve also read they should be in ‘time-out’ for 2 minutes if they are 2, 3 if they are 3, etc. Not sure about this.
I’ve also read the “minute per year of age” rule. 2 minutes seems like a very short time to us, but is an incredibly long time to a 2-yer-old.
Rhum Runner,
If the try the spanking thing was directed at me, we’ve tried. That’s where the “nothing I’m willing to try.” I’ll do a swat on the butt. I won’t beat her silly.
Actually, no, it was directed to the OP. Sorry for the confusion.
Rhum, not into the spanking thing personally? Are you a parent?
My wife has spanked bambina 2-3 times. I figure that maybe as a last resort it might be worth trying, but bambina is no where near that out of control. Since I’m a smart guy, I should be able to work something out with a 2 year old without having to whack her.
Here’s hoping…
I use a combination of a swat on the bottom (or hand) and time outs. A swat on the bottom (or hand) is used for when Aaron (my two year old) is doing something dangerous or when we’re out and he’s trying to pull things off shelves. I haven’t had to swat his hand for pulling things off shelves in a while. He’s getting much better.
We use the time out method for all other applicable offenses.
When swatting, it’s so important to tell Aaron explicitly what he’s done wrong and why it’s unacceptable right then and there. It’s important with the time out method, too, but more so with a swat.
The mere mention of a timeout (asking her if she needs one) will transform Lieu Lieu from her crying, toy-launching state to that of a cuddly kid begging for Daddy to hold her.
Timeout implies being taken to another room by herself and she’s too much of a people person for that.