What, in your opinion, is the function of the naughty step?
[If you’ve not heard of the naughty step, it’s an age-old concept that has been re-popularised by TV’s Supernanny, whereby a mis-behaving child is sent to sit to cool off, or when they’re bad.]
Is it just for a cool-off period when a kid is going mental, or is it for punishment in general?
Our lad is 20 months, and we’ve been experimenting with the naughty step in the last month. He’s really started to push his boundaries recently, but he’s generally very placid. He rarely loses it in a full-on tantrum, but he is extremely bad when it suits him. So we haven’t needed the naughty step for a time-out place so much, at least not yet. It seems pretty pointless as a punitive measure, though.
As an example of the naughty step idea not really working for us; I got home from a run tonight, to see the wee man sitting on the naughty step. He’d upturned his dinner all over the table. He sits there in complete contentment, until naughty step over, he gets up and gives his mum a reconciliatory hug. I sit down to dinner of my own and the wee man clambers up onto his chair and starts messing with things on the table. Picks up a fork and hurls it at me, whistles 2 mm past my ear. Sigh He’s admonished, back to the naughty step, where he sits in amiable silence. Like a man reflecting on a good days work.
Like any discipline idea, it has to work with the specific parent and child. If the kid doesn’t dislike time-out, it is not going to work for behaviour modification. I’d look to find something that does work when he’s deliberately naughty - say, removing his favorite toys for a time and allowing him to earn them back with good behaviour. Dunno if that works on kids that young, though; seems to me we were doing it when ours wasn’t much older.
Ours (now 4) has always hated time-out and understood it to be a punishment, which makes it reasonably effective.
For tantruming, I have always found simply leaving the kid alone to be reasonably effective - nothing will stop him in full tantrum mode (thankfully very rare these days), but lacking an audience seems to calm him down pretty fast. Obviously only a technique usable at home.
Also, sadly, I can’t really remember that well what we did a couple of years ago - child-induced dementia, probably.
Naughty step/time out is both for cooling off and discipline. Your mixed results might be due to your child’s age–the usual guidelines (and Supernanny Jo Frost herself) state that it really isn’t effective prior to age 2 1/2, when a child has some understanding of right/wrong, action/consequence. Up to that age, Jo and others recommend redirection (“Oh look! Something shiny! Let go of the cat’s head and come see this shiny thing…”).
That said, our nearly 4yro started time out at around age 2 or so. He didn’t quite seem to understand it at first, and we used it for the most severe offenses (hitting, throwing, etc.). Now, however, time out is the Worst Thing Ever. BTW–if he misbehaves in time out (gets up, gets down, makes it a game, giggles, grabs things, etc.) we warn him we will take away one of his bajillion 88 cent Matchbox cars forever. A few times, we have, much to his horror.
Recently, I’ve added my own branching out of this: Calm Down. Time out is “Busted, go to time out and sit for 3 minutes.” Calm down is “You are way too wired/angry/out of control [can be due to a tantrum, but also over-excitement for whatever reason]. Go to your room and shut the door. You can come out when you say, ‘I’ve calmed down, Mommy.’”
Oof. Things for me to look forward to with Boy 2.0, who’s not quite 3 months.
Yar, you’ve got to suit the discipline to the child.
It didn’t take my folks long to learn that sending me to my room just meant I got more time to read my books!
Taking my books away…now THAT was punishment!
He might be a little young, yet, so don’t give up.
But, we use the corner, as in “Go stand in the corner” I have found (with both my memory and with my kids) that having to turn and face the wall, away from everyone, and not being able to see what’s going on, was a great punishment. For tantrums, we just let the kid scream (at home only, of course) and walk away. When they calm down, they can approach and talk it out with us.
I try to suit the punishment to fit the crime. If it’s hitting or kicking, though, I obviously don’t hit or kick back; he gets the time-out chair. If he’s throwing something, I tell him, “You must not want this or you wouldn’t have thrown it. It must be trash/I’ll keep it since you don’t want it.” And I promptly throw it out or confiscate it. If I’m keeping it, I try to give him a clear timeline of when he’ll get it back.
That usually sets him off screaming, to which I’ll respond, “Sweetie, I have no idea what you’re saying, so when you’re ready to talk instead of scream, we’ll talk. Until then, you finish and come get me when you’ve calmed down.” Then I leave. If he follows me around screaming, I set him in his timeout chair saying, “Take a few minutes to finish, and when you’re done, let me know. Calmly.” When he calls me, if he’s calm, I come and we talk, I hug him and it’s done and he gets the toy back (if it hasn’t been trashed) whenever I’ve indicated he’ll get it back.
As an aside, I can see why there are so many spoiled children. Sometimes I dread disciplining my kid. I always do it when it’s necessary, but after a long day at work or a long night up with the baby, the last thing I want to do is deal with a shrieking pre-schooler. Still, you gotta do what you gotta do.
Does this actually work with toddlers? An older kid I can see sitting there as told, but only because they know that if they don’t, there are worse punishments in the offering such as being put to bed early, missing out on an activity, or having privileges revoked. I can’t see that getting through to a kid under the age of three. Seems to me you’d have more success by putting somewhere they can’t just walk away from, such as in their crib, for their timeout.
We had a “naughty rug” and it was in the kitchen, usually away from the action. It worked pretty well and I am pretty sure we started it pretty young - one minute for every year of age…
I put my 2.5 year old in the crib sometimes. Other times I hold her for a minute or two. I’ll sit down and place her in my lap and just gently envelope her until she stops squirming.
Which was very amusing today. “Time out is over when you relax.” “Mama I no wanna REEE lax!”
Threats of removal of privileges and items have been super effective suddenly the last couple weeks, thankfully. “Would you like Elmo to stay in your crib with you? Yes? Then stop jumping on the bed.”
He’s admonished, back to the naughty step, where he sits in amiable silence. Like a man reflecting on a good days work.
