How do you keep children in time out?
Thanks,
Rob
A punishment just has to be something the child doesn’t like. The consequence for not obeying the lower punishment has to be something he/she doesn’t like even more. So time out doesn’t work for some kids, who like to be quiet and alone sometimes.
My brother makes his kids sometimes go into their rooms until they can stop whining or apologize. Sometimes it’s for a fixed time, to make sure that there’s not an attitude of “I’ll just apologize right away and then I’ll have gotten away with it.”
This is not the only thing that works, though. He was getting good results in fining little kids for being careless or disobedient and damaging things. Once they got the idea that money was valuable, they cried at handing over a quarter. He also takes away toys that are being fought over. They disappear sometimes for days, to make the point.
I’ve seen time out not work because the child isn’t afraid of what’s to come. If the only punishment for leaving time out is the same amount of time out, and nothing worse comes of it, you might as well try to leave. Of course, with little kids, the “worse” thing needs to happen right away, or they’ll forget why it’s happening. I think what weakens the position of many parents is giving in to crying and begging. Not giving in is an investment that pays off big down the road. Teenagers who don’t think the rules mean anything are a nightmare.
Duct tape.
Time out is a focused lack of attention. For younger kids that means just pretending they do not exist for a minute or so. For slightly older children it means time alone, be it in the corner, or wherever, without entertainment and without interaction. If at first that means a parent serves as a noninteracting physical restraint keeping them there even as they kick and scream and try to bite, still calm restraint with no response, no talking or eye contact, then so it is. Big hug legs around the legs and arms holding arms and positioning teeth where they cannot reach. No eye contact no discussion after “time out” is stated until time out is over. The concept is that the prime reinforcer is attention, be it positive or negative, even if it is attention that they do not think or act like they like.
Time out is always best reserved for items that are important enough that they will always be enforced, and offset by “time ins” by several fold. That actually is the harder part. catching the kid doing it right and remembering to briefly praise sounds easy but it aint.
Discipline is not the same as punishment.
Time outs are also used as a settle down time for the kid. Lots of kids misbehave if they get “overstimulated”- like they bite or hit when pissed off. They don’t normally behave like that and do know better, but they lost control. So using Time Outs helps to remove them from the situation, calm themselves down, and recognize their mistake and that there are consequences. Time outs become easy after you show that you will continually return the kid to the spot as many times as they need to (the timer always starts over). We had one child whose time-out spot was on her bed and another who got a corner. But they were there EVERY time there was a problem until they got older and could better rationalize/understand their mistakes.
Look up old episodes of Supernanny (ABC show). Lots of clips on YouTube. She was a pro at time out and could break the most stubborn kids. But one of her important tips is: no emotion when putting a kid into time out, no laughing, no screaming, no yelling, no anger. You are disappointed and simply putting them into time out. Discussion comes AFTER the Time out.
I think calling it a “time out” is totally gay. The punishment needs to sound at least as bad as it really is. I never did have kids but if I did I wouldn’t threaten them with an administrative pause in the action. I’d tell them, “Any misbehavior and you will be subject to ‘Devil’s Vengeance Time’. You will be mercilessly banished to the Place of Damnation–the little stool in the corner in the living room–where you will woefully suffer the tortures of being totally deprived of all fun, contact with loved ones, TV, and snacks–for at least 15 minutes”.
“Totally gay”???
Well the gay parents I know do use it too …
Moved from General Questions to IMHO.
samclem, Moderator
You were clearly raised well.
We called it “standing in the corner” and it is about the no attention thing, along with a bit of missing out on things.
You just make it no big deal, send them to the corner, and ignore them. If they start turning around or sitting down, judge if its worth breaking the “no attention” mode to correct them. We usually didn’t enforce facing the wall.
Supernanny was indeed a master of the time out. The two things she consistently got right that most parents get wrong are the unemotionalness of the thing, and the short duration. No matter how good your 2 year old is, a 15 minute time out is inappropriate and counter productive.
A good rule of thumb that I’ve heard is 1 minute in time out for each year of age. It doesn’t seem like 3 minutes is much of a negative reinforcement, but 3 minutes is a huge percentage of your lifetime when you’re only 3.
IMHO, the best answer to this question is in a fantastic book that was recommended to me and my wife by a child psychologist:
1-2-3 Magic: Effective Discipline for Children 2-12
It was life-changing for us.
Social species, humans included, crave social attention, and will do just about whatever it takes to gain same. Withholding same is a simple, non-violent, and profoundly motivational technique, and it works wonders on a great many individuals. Granted, there can be individuals who are too unsocial or too restless or too introverted to be affected much by this. But by-and-large, it generally works very well.
This is well-known and well-used by animal trainers, and works well for many social species. It is a primary tool for dolphin trainers. When your dolphin acts crappy, just turn your back for a minute or two. They will learn to understand what that means in approximately no time, and generally respond very well. (Well, unless they’re in the mood to be crappy. Dolphins may be smart, but they definitely have a mind of their own.)
My SO did a stint for several years as an elementary school teacher. For the younger grades, timeout was used, but it was called “The Freezer”… but of course it was the same exact thing. The child was asked to “go sit in The Freezer” (and it was spoken with capital letters, just like that), which meant, the corner. The child was “frozen” out of social and any other kind of interaction with classmates and teacher. They hate missing out on the action. That’s why it (generally) works.
I’m shocked that they weren’t deluged with complaining parents saying that this would encourage kids to sit in actual freezers.
When my oldest was a preschooler my wife’s gag was that he’d get to Kindergarten and have a panic attack when the class was counting together: “No! Not past two! I don’t know what happens there but I’m sure it’s bad!”
In applied behavior analysis, time out stands for “time out from reinforcement.” It means that for a certain period following the infraction, reinforcement is withheld from the individual, whether it be attention or items such as toys or treats. “Time out” doesn’t have to be a place- it’s just a state.
One of the few times I watched “Super Nanny” I unfortunately saw her misapplying time out. You always have to be careful to consider the function of the behavior: why is the child misbehaving? She put one little boy into time out for refusing to clean up his toys. Major mistake. You can never use time out when the function of the behavior is escape from demands, because then of course you give them the perfect escape. So what happened the next time the little boy was asked to clean up his toys? “I WANT TIME OUT!”
Works a treat but tends to leave sticky residue.
The belt from a towelling dressing gown/bath robe tied just tight enough is good too.
Heh. Yeah, every disciplinary technique has an “oops” moment sooner or later. I was (am) a “natural consequences” mom - you make a mess, you clean it up. Which doesn’t work so well when the child really wants to use the broom and bucket. Took me several rounds of cereal on the floor and spaghetti sauce on the walls before I figured out what was going on. I had to modify that technique and make my daughter stand there and watch me clean up her mess, without helping at all. That was torture for her, and put a quick end to that behavior!
We have the same problem with time out: my kid may just be too young for it. He really doesn’t get “stop”, “stay” , or limitations on movement: he’s really good about understanding when I want him to do something, he certainly understands “no, don’t touch” but he has a lot of trouble with the idea that he can’t go somewhere, or that he shouldn’t move. He’s 16 months, though, so I assume he will figure it out. Though I am open to suggestions. The doctor said to put him in his crib, but he loves his crib. I don’t really want to make that a punishment place.
For a kid that won’t stay: this was devastating, but it did work: he isn’t supposed to stand on the bed. I kept telling him no, and removing him, and he thought that was hysterical, and so kept doing it. So I picked him up, put him outside my bedroom, and closed the door–with me still inside. I counted twenty seconds. He bawled his eyes out: being separated from mom was pretty much the end of the world. He hasn’t stood on the bed since, or, more accurately, he is very open to being reminded that he shouldn’t.