What Do You Do To Keep Your Child Under Control?

Ashkicker · July 2, 2004, 2:27am

What measures do you take to keep your child under control? First off I will state that I am not a parent. I will tell you the reason for this question. I’m sitting in fast food restaurant the other night eating dinner. There was a family seated near us who had several kids. One child was about 3. She was running around the restaurant being what I thought was a typical child. Off looking at the games and just being rowdy. I guess what was her sister was trying to keep up with the girl and get her to sit down. She wasn’t listening. The next thing I see is the mother sneaking up behind her with a ruler in hand hiding it behind her back. She spins the child around and shows her the ruler and tells her she better sit down and behave. It was psychological, not physical.

Then I thought back to my childhood and what methods my parents used. Belt. I can still see my dad pulling off his belt saying he was going to beat me and then not. I’ll give you 3 words. Weeping Willow Tree. My dad stripping the leaves, and chasing me down the back alley with a switch. He never beat me with the switch, just chased. I think he was trying to do more psychological damage than anything. Mom, her threat was, “You wait till your dad gets home”. Of course being a kid having that hanging over all day gives you something to sweat and think about. Then there was the time I watched a friends kid. He was being so rowdy I resorted to money bribes. You know the ones I’m talking about. If you sit down, watch the cartoons like a good little kid I might find some money in my purse for you. I went through the bottom of my purse to scrape change for the little brat to put in his piggy bank. That’s when he tells me he doesn’t want change, he wants bills. He wasn’t even 5.

So what do you do to keep your child under control? Do you keep them in line with threats or do you follow through with some form of punishment? Do you use the reward system like money?

holdmytail · July 2, 2004, 2:56am

Sometimes when my boyfriend’s 5 year old brother annoys us I give him chocolate and make him promise to go away. Doesn’t always work though.

TellMeI_mNotCrazy · July 2, 2004, 3:20am

I try to keep my children in control by demonstrating to them what the best way to conduct themselves is. My children very, very rarely get “out of hand” and that’s not bragging, it’s just the way they are. When they do get a little to rambunctions, I don’t hesitate to remove them from whatever situation we’re in until they calm down because if my kid is acting up, I certainly don’t feel like inflicting it on everyone else around me.

TellMeI_mNotCrazy · July 2, 2004, 3:21am

Rambunctions? That sounds like a skin ailment. Turn the n upside down.

Farmwoman · July 2, 2004, 3:22am

“under control” is rather weighted. My objective in discipline is always to nudge my kids a little closer to self-control, so I try to remember that discipline means ‘teach’ not ‘control’. That said, empty threats breed an environment of unpredictability wich is not conducive to the development of personal responsibility. When I find myself making empty threats, I work to change this in myself. I have no philosophical problems with spanking a 3 year-old, but I have huge issues with parental mind games, so I’m pretty confident that my kids know what to expect from me in the discipline arena, and know that I generally say what I mean and mean what I say.

Gail · July 2, 2004, 3:29am

I’ve been thinking about this a lot lately. Probably because my 10 y o daughter and I are about to make the 9 hour car trip to Las Vegas to attend my sister’s wedding. My sister, has three kids, aged 6, 8, and 10 and they are wild. As far as I can see, my sister spends about half the time trying to be their friend and the other half yelling at them and hitting them.
And this doesn’t work very well. Her kids think nothing of causing a scene in public to get what they want. (This is an issue with me…sometimes I just want to sink into the floor.) They are disciplined by spanking, but they keep doing the same behaviors over and over. They are often disciplined for doing normal immature kid things that get on my sisters nerves…like whining when they are tired, etc.
My daughter was never spanked. That’s not to say she wasn’t disciplined. Some people who are for spanking think that the alternative is to do nothing. I used time outs, fairly consistantly and when my daughter was very young, I mean like two and a half, I would talk to her about following directions and how it was important to do so. I would talk to her much the same way as I would talk to an adult. I would make my expectations for behavior clear even at a young age. I think that is an important point. A parent needs to know exactly the kind of behavior is appropriate and communicate to the child. A parent also should understand what behaviors are normal at what age. (A little side note, today I saw a mother smack her three year old daughter on the butt. And she said “Go sit down and don’t move.” Now come on …a three year old!!!)
My daughter and I are close and I think that she wants to please me and we have a good rapport.
I’m aware that I have one child and my sister has three…so that is a challenge for her. I also know that different children have different temperaments and my daughter is very easy going while my sister’s kids are much more “intense”.
I’m a teacher and I’ve been told that I have good classroom management, which means I can keep a room full of ten year olds “occupied” and quiet. It’s possible to have well-behaved kids without hitting them.

Alice_The_Goon · July 2, 2004, 3:45am

I have 3 boys. When things get out of hand, as they are wont to do, I’ll first start off with “The Look”… there’s no mistaking “The Look”, and if you get it, you know you’re on a fast track to danger, my friend.
If that doesn’t work, you take away the favorite things, which in my house is the X-Box and Fear Factor. You accompany this with a bit of a lecture on what’s appropriate and what’s not.
If that doesn’t work… into their room (no tv or computer in there) and we talk later.
Beyond those things, I don’t know. And I hope I never have to find out, or we’ll be talking military school. I’ve vowed that I will not have kids that don’t know how to act. I would take drastic measures to prevent delinquency, as I feel their future would be severely compromised if I didn’t.
Fortunately so far what I do is working.

CrazyCatLady · July 2, 2004, 3:52am

I’ve always though my grandma’s method was pretty effective. First time I did something, she told me that it was naughty/rude/obnoxious and that I needed to stop. If I didn’t stop, she’d point out that she’d already told me once to stop, and that if I kept it up, we were going out to the yard and cutting a switch. Third time, we’d march out to the yard and I’d have to cut a switch (and it better be a good one, too), which she’d then lay on the hutch and tell me that if she had to get onto me about the same thing one more time, she was going to wear my ass out. I don’t recall there being any fourth offenses. Actually, there weren’t that many third offenses.

I’ve never thought of it as threats or intimidation, more of a “this is wrong, and you know it’s wrong, and there are consequences if you choose to continue doing it” situation.

START · July 2, 2004, 4:46am

I have a younger step-bro and one quick slap on the wrist or butt always snaps him back to reality and he realizes the big people are in charge.

Sublight · July 2, 2004, 7:50am

My parents mainly kept me under control by (a) making going out for dinner or such a ‘fun family event’, (b) making it absolutely clear that if I didn’t behave I’d be going right back home, and © following through on (b), even if we were in the middle of dinner or mom had a basket full of groceries, or whatever. In addition, they didn’t hesitate to let me know when they were pleased with me whenever I took it upon myself to behave.

Shirley_Ujest · July 2, 2004, 11:34am

Here is what has worked for me lately:

You can either behave like a big boy and sit with us at the table (or whatever) or you can be a baby and you go to bed for the rest of the night. (or taken out of the restaurant/store/etc.)

I give two choices. Be a big kid and do whatever it is the good behavior you want them to do is or be a baby and be seperated from the group.

Giving them the power to change their behavior that is unacceptable and making that choice, nearly every time they have picked the one I wanted them to pick.

Also, complimenting kids when they don’t expect it for good behavior works wonders.

“You are playing so nicely by yourself.”

" Look how well you are eating there at this table in a restaurant. You are quite the little gentleman."

“You are such a good role model for your (younger) friend. I am proud of you for being such a big girl/boy.”

Knowing when your children are at low peaks of goodness is also critical. This is why most mom’s with younger kids are seen at the store at 8am. The kids are fresh. Mom is fresh. Less likely for meltdowns of either party. This is also why parents who take their kids to the store at 6-10pm at night have meltdowns. The kids and parents are tired from a long day and the kids are overstimulated. It’s an A-Bomb of tantrums just waiting to asplode.

Three year olds are still on the impulsive side and reasoning with them will not work. They need distractions like coloring books, a book or adults doing a one on one with them. You cannot expect a 3 year old to sit like an adult in an adult restaurant, they want to explore and check things out.

HijackI also, if I may rant here for a moment, blame the parents and McDonald’s for 98% of the bad behavior in restaurants. McDonalds and their germ infested McPetrie Dish Playlands teaches children that taking a bite to eat and running nilly willy though the urnine soaked ball pit or chasing after a new found runny nosed friend is ok.

It is not ok.

First there are issues of filthy hands covered in 378,000 kinds of kid germs that haven’t been washed and then in goes a french fry. GAH! I get the barfs just watching other parents not wet wipe their kids hands between playing and eating. Secondly, Most of the parents in these places seem to mentally check out on monitoring their childs behavior and it enforces the wild behavior.

The Center for Disease Control would shut down every McDonalds, I know, if they ever did a culture on the playlands.

Emily Post would weep at kids behavior in there.

[/hijack.]

Excalibre · July 2, 2004, 3:16pm

Severe, incredibly painful beatings are a good start. If they don’t work, electric shock is the best solution.

Ethilrist · July 2, 2004, 3:38pm

My kids are 15 and 16, so usually they’re trying to figure out how to keep me from embarrassing them in front of their friends…

The only sanction that works on my son any more is denial of privileges. No TV, no video games, no computer, no email, no friends over, no going over to friends’ houses, no bike.

My daughter is the very model of a properly-behaving teenage girl. The only thing we’re starting to have a problem with is she doesn’t always let us know where she is once she goes over to a friend’s house (they hop from house to house, gathering girls as they go… since there is always at least a couple other girls when they do this, we’re not too worried… yet…).

They both just got their learner’s permits last week, so there’s something we get to hold over them, long-term.

When they were little, denial of fun was about the only thing that would get through to our son. The last time we went to MacDonalds, he wouldn’t come out of the hamster tunnels when I called for him, so I had to climb in after him, grab him, and haul him kicking and screaming out of the place. Like I said, that was the last time that we went to MacDonalds.

AbbySthrnAccent · July 2, 2004, 4:42pm

I’m not sure that I thought of it as “controlling” them.

I wanted to teach my boys to learn to be well mannered for the situation for their benefit as well as for mine. Well mannered people tend to get invited again. Children can learn this very young. If you get along and behave well we are very likely to get to do it again soon.

Clearly when they were infants and very young, this means that if I had to take them socially, I prepared by making sure they were fed, well rested, and presentable. I adjusted myself to the situation, knowing that hungry, sleepy babies don’t do well socially.

As they grew to todderhood an older, we would talk about outings before we left the house in private. We’re using the toilet, and washing up because we are going to go to _________. This and this and this are going to happen. You will be introduced to ________ and (shake hands, make eye contact, say hello or whatever) then we are going to _________. You will remember to use your inside voice, stay seated until excused, and play only in the play area not in the eating area (this applied even to picnics) and whatever other reminders I felt were necessary. I kept the reminders brief and simple and reiterated them just as we exited the car, again in private. As they grew older basic reminders didn’t need to be given and I would just be making sure they were prepared for that event, such as, remember this is a wedding reception, so be sure to congratulate the bride and the groom or when you see others raise their glass you do the same, listen quietly and respond as the others do.

He’s a teenager and I still let him know in advance what I expect. I speak with him differently now than I did then, but it’s the same principle. If he knows what to expect, he’s more likely to do the “right thing”. The great thing is that he does the same for me. He let’s me know in advance. “Mom I’d like to have friends over for pizza and starcraft, can you check your email and stuff before 7?” Or “Mom Mr. so and so is going to be there, he helped me with ________.” So I will know to comment and thank him for _______.

Most normal, healthy kids want be well liked and do the right thing. Mine learned really young, certainly by preschool age (absent hunger, thirst , exhaustion or overstimulation), that ill mannered or abominable behavior in public wasn’t acceptable. If they behaved respectfully, they were treated with kindness and respect. If they did not, they were removed from the social setting. Period. While hard to follow through on, it works. Parenting requires effort and a bit of sacrifice.

I am of course generalizing about normal, healthy children. I realize there are children with serious behavioral issues that make parenting much harder for some than others.

dangermom · July 2, 2004, 5:42pm

My daughter is almost 4, and there’s a baby. Some of the things I do:

We have a routine/schedule, and we stick to it as much as possible. This way, she knows what to expect a lot of the time. I also tell her what we’re going to be doing, and often go over my expectations for behavior. For a while there, every time we went to the store, we would have a conversation about staying with Mommy, no whining, no grabbing stuff off the shelves, using a nice voice, and no asking for everything. Again, sticking to the schedule is key–there is no joy in keeping the kids out past nap- or meal-time in a vain desire to get more done. You have to work around their needs, not against them.

She knows that she won’t always get a treat (like a box of animal crackers or something), but she certainly won’t get one if she misbehaves. Nowadays, I don’t need to repeat this every time, but only every so often. Lately we’ve been going over (and over, and over) the rule that she may not hide in racks of clothing at Target. I know it’s an irresistible temptation–which is why I never take her to department stores or the mall. I can’t expect her to be able to control herself perfectly, and with a baby in a stroller too, I simply won’t put us in that situation.

If she misbehaves in public, she knows I have no hesitation about leaving the place, and without whatever we came for. I will leave stacks of books behind at the library and take her directly out the door if she throws a fit–but I’ve only had to actually do it once or twice. Same with the store. She knows I’ll do it, so I don’t have to; if she starts up, I just tell her that we can leave, and she shapes up pretty well.

As above, I don’t take her to places where I can’t really expect her to live up to the standard. Antique stores, fancy adult restaurants, and so on–if I go someplace like that, I have to arrange to do it on a Saturday afternoon or something, so I can go alone. But she’s never kicked up a fuss in a restaurant (but then she’s never been to McD’s).

At home, I try to let her know my expectations and squash whining and fits before they get too bad. She doesn’t get stuff by whining; she has to use a nice voice. Bad behavior gets her a time-out, where she has to stay in her room, on her bed, until I say she can come out. (At times, I’ve had to use my bathroom, which is more boring, but has a comfy rug to sit on.) If she does something particularly awful, I’ve been starting to give her a job to do after the time-out, to “make amends.” The other day she had to tidy up her room without help and without complaining (usually we do it together). This strategy seems to be working well; it gives her something positive to do to ‘fix’ the negative.

I try to teach her that jobs have to come before fun. Partly, this is sheer survival on my part, because I have to have something nice that can be taken away; if she refuses to brush her teeth nicely at bedtime, I have to be able to tell her she can’t have a story–and if we’ve already read the story, I don’t have a carrot any more. Lately, when I ask her to do something, she often wilts and claims to be too tired. The response to this is “well, if you’re too tired to go potty/pick up your toys/whatever, then you must be too tired to go swimming/to the library/to the store. Too bad, we’ll have to stay home.” Or whatever the most pleasant thing in the near future is–even if it’s just reading a story. It works great, but it has yet to sink in for her that the ploy is useless.

So is this long enough yet? I’m lucky to have a pretty tractable kid who is perfectly happy to sit at a table in a restaurant and talk or color; she doesn’t feel the need to run around and burn off the energy after two minutes, the way some little balls of fire do. But she does take a certain amount of disciplining, like any kid. (Discipline as in rules and consequences, I mean.)

dangermom · July 2, 2004, 6:01pm