Are you a MEAN parent?

In My Humble Opinion
1

How about you, are you a MEAN :mad: Mama, too?

Do you require your children to use good manners?

Do you require your children to respect adults?

Do you require your children to respect authoriy figures, like their school teachers, bus drivers and other school personnel?

Do you make your children observe the “quiet please” signs in the library?

Have you ever marched a child back into the store when they’ve stolen a package of gum?

Are you actively helping your child learn how to have a good character? How to be strong and true to their inner conscience?

Do you disregard 95% of the pop psycho mumbo jumbo that “parenting authorities” are currently endorsing?

Do you rely on the time proven, old fashioned ways of helping your children remember right from wrong that doesn’t involve TIME OUT?

Are you actively working toward rearing your children with the end goal of them becoming caring, intelligent, independant, self reliant, contributing members to society?

If so, please join me in the MEAN Parent thread.

(If I haven’t made myself clear - I’m sick to death of watching quacks on television, magazines, and book of the months give parents “feel good, instant fix” advice - please share what works for you and your family with parents who may need a reinforcement of old fashioned values)

:stuck_out_tongue:

2

I should mention that I’m a mean mother of six who joined our family via foster care, adoption, step, and biological. So far, they’ve all turned out pretty well and are successful in their chosen lives. Three of the four over 21 have all thanked us at one time for another for being “mean” parents :smiley:

3

No.

But I WOULD be…

4

Well I’m not a parent, but oh boy, my mom was a meanie.

I always had to use good manners. Whew, thank God I’m out of her house now. No more of that foolishness. :wink:

Always had to respect adults.

I shut my trap while in the library.

I’ve never stolen a package of gum, but had I done so, she would have marched me right back in there so that the security guards and management could have sasses me. Then I would have gotten more of it when I got home.

She spent all this time trying to encourage good character and habits and bla bla bla. Always making all these rules that I SWORE I would break as soon as I got out of her house. Oddly enough, all these weird habits I picked up while living with ma and pa have stuck around. Go figure.

5

Grr, sometimes I wish I could edit my own posts after I’ve submitted them. That should read so they could have sassed me. Not sasses.

6

Oh, my parents must be evil, then. My mom hardly ever had to sit me in time out, she just had to look at me in a certain way, and I would instantly behave like an angel. My dad, too, but not as much as my mom.

And I plan on being a mean mother myself, when I get to be of a child-rearing age.

7

My Mum was so mean, she didn’t let me watch The Simpsons!
(Don’t worry, I’m making up for it now! :D)

8

I suppose by this

you mean spanking?

No I do not spank my kids and never will. Time out is very effective for my three-year-old. I fail to see the problem here.

9

No children, just grandchildren and twenty years of teaching experience. So the following are “I would’s” based on a little experience and a lot of classes in child psychology, developmental psychology and educational psychology.

I no that doesn’t substitute for actual child-rearing but I do have very definite opinions.

Do you require your children to use good manners?
While they are children, yes. But I would also teach them how to be assertive, as opposed to aggressive, and to stand up for what is fair and right.

Do you require your children to respect adults?
I would teach them to be respectufl in their behaviors while they are chldren. )That includes teachers, bus drivers and other school personnel.) But I would also teach them that as adults, they will have to determine for themselves which adults deserve their respect. I stress “respectful behaviors” because you can not require anyone to feel anything.
Do you make your children observe the “quiet please” signs in the library?
ABsolutely!

Have you ever marched a child back into the store when they’ve stolen a package of gum?
I certainly would and I would discipline them further.

Are you actively helping your child learn how to have a good character? How to be strong and true to their inner conscience?

I would make it an absolute priority!

Do you disregard 95% of the pop psycho mumbo jumbo that “parenting authorities” are currently endorsing?
I would disregard 100% of the “pop psych mumbo jumbo” but I would pay close attention to current research.

Do you rely on the time proven, old fashioned ways of helping your children remember right from wrong that doesn’t involve TIME OUT?
I would still include “time out” when they are little. I might even lightly spank a young child with my hand – never an object. But I would NEVER slap, swith or belt a child.** Grounding, removal of privileges, extra chores and a good dressing-down would be used with older children.

Are you actively working toward rearing your children with the end goal of them becoming caring, intelligent, independant, self reliant, contributing members to society?
I would work toward that end, but it doesn’t always work out that way.

I am interested in knowing what particular “feel good/instant fix” advice you are referring to.

Thanks!

10

Is is possible to admit that you just can’t get through to some kids with things like time-outs?

For instance, my second brother would have never learned anything without a very firm hand, with some help from the wooden spoon. This was the kind of kid who would bang his head on the stone tiles to show his anger and frustration with you. What do you do when a kid like that thinks that running away in the parking lot is a fabulous idea, oblivious of the concept of F=MA with regard to cars?

11

Zoe, I’m a bit confused:

Are the parents of your grandchildren your SO’s kids from a previous marriage, or am I being really dense, and missing some other obvious bit here?

(If I’m prying too far, my apologies. My brain just can’t quite parse that sentence properly.)
As fer m’self:
Indeed, a big fat meanie, I am. Ours is only two, so we’re still working on the basics yet, but I often get rolled eyes from grandma because I insist on

  1. no yelling at the dinner table
  2. making her help pick up her own toys (instead of doing it all for her) when it’s time to leave grandma’s house
  3. limiting her sugar intake to the point where she doesn’t bounce off the walls (No, Ma, she doesn’t need another popsical at 9PM, she’s going to bed in half an hour)
  4. a regular bedtime, within reason, every night (except New Year’s Eve)
  5. screeching and kicking her feet will not get her what she wants
    (No, Ma, I’m not gonna just let her have it, now.)
  6. pleases and thank yous are a must (Notice how she always remembers the “please” when she’s after ice cream, Ma? Trust me, she does understand. Yes, even at two years old.)

Indeed, my MIL and I have just a few disagreements on child raising. There are times we wonder how Mrs. Skeezix turned out so wonderfully. 'Course, the Skeezling is the first grandchild in the family, so we can understand the urge to forget the past and spoil, spoil, spoil.

When my mother gets in the mood for spoilin’, I often want to “go Bill Cosby” on her.
“This is not the woman I grew up with! This is an old person trying to get into heaven!”

Not that we let the grammies get away with too much, but a little spoilin’ doesn’t do permanent damage, either. :smiley:

And I’ve never seen time-outs work very well, personally. I’m not saying it doesn’t work for you, DaddyTimesTwo, just my experience with some of our friends and their kids. Can someone explain the process to me? I’d think it could be effective for an older kid, I guess, but on a two or three year old, it’s just wasting your breath, from what I’ve seen.

For us, one swift swat on the behind, and, “I said no,” does the job. And as Zoe said, always the hand, always light enough to just smart for a minute. I couldn’t fathom taking a brush or a paddle or what-have-you to a child. And the swat is generally a last resort, anyway.

We give her at least two or three chances to listen to us, and stop doing whatever it is, before we decide she’s just not gonna give up.

[sub]And I fear for my youth when I admit I seem to have developed a genuinely effective “evil eye” myself. It even worked on some complete stranger’s kid who was flinging stuff off the shelves in the grocery store, one night.[/sub]

12

<Should have previewed>

Cardinal, I guess I can see where a wooden spoon might be needed, sometimes.

OTOH, if he didn’t mind the pain of bashing himself in the forehead, was the spoon really that much of a deterrent?

13

Time outs were always effective with my perfect Child[sup]TM[/sup] - they usually consisted of 5 minutes in the small hallway alcove. She did confess to me recently that once in a while, she looked around the corner when she was supposed to be sitting there. The worst physical punishment she might have gotten would be a smack on the fingers for repeatedly reaching for something that was forbidden. I truly don’t remember ever having to do that, but chances are, I did at some point.

As she got older, grounding or removing of privileges (no sleep-over, no videos) got her attention. We kidded her for years that we looked forward to the day when she drove so we could take away her car keys. Interestingly enough, we’ve never had to do that.

She’ll turn 18 in September - my baby will be an adult. She’s held a part time job for almost a year, she does volunteer work with kids, she does chores around the house, and I’ve had many people comment to me on her maturity and general niceness. I’m sure she thought I was mean at times, but I think I’ve done my job rather well.

[sub]Bracing for a call from the Vice Squad now…[/sub]

14

Just a few thoughts:

When they were small, before they had any self-control or could really listen to reason, my kids both got a smack on the bum as a last resort. Even those were few and far between though. From the time they were little, we explained everything to them, repeatedly if necessary. (And it is necessary LOL)

Telling my kids the truth worked for me: This is why you can’t blah, blah, that’s the reason for blah, blah, etc. Also, I think they learned to respect me when they were little because I meant what I said and tried to follow through with logical consequences when they pushed.

Now, they’re 12 & 15 years old, they do chores, including cooking, cleaning, pet & lawn & garden care and they are responsible for their own property, bikes, rooms, etc. They have bank accounts, still have regular bedtimes on schoolnights, they are respectful to everyone, etc. Their grades are usually pretty good and they seem well-adjusted.

They still sometimes get pushy or mouthy but if they didn’t, I’d worry that they weren’t normal. The biggest thing that drives me nuts is their fighting, but, they’re brothers, again, normal.

Although I’m not against spanking, I am against how many of us were raised in the 50’s & 60’s…the “spare the rod” philosophy as I experienced it is bullshit as far as I’m concerned. We were beaten regularly and punished far beyond reason as children. I know without doubt that if my father had taken the time to explain things to me, it would have made as much of an impression. As it was, being beaten with belts, wooden spoons, struck across the face in front of people, and etc. seemed to just really create low-grade feelings of rage and lingering self-worth problems.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my parents and know they did the best they could and were no different from my friend’s parents. I know they’ve looked back and have their regrets, just as we all do.

Anyhow, by all the definitions in the OP, I believe I would definitely qualify as a Mean Parent. :slight_smile:

15

I am a horribly cruel mother. I make my children do their homework and I make them go to bed at a reasonable hour. I also insist that they eat good, heathly food and not cupcakes and candy all day long.

I also make then wear coats, hats and gloves when it’s cold outside and I expect them to do their chores.

I’m a terrible person. I shouldn’t be allowed to have kids. :wink:

16

Aaron is five-and-a-half months old, so discipline isn’t an issue yet. He also seems to be fairly laid-back, but he’s showing signs of an independent nature, so I can see the potential for some interesting problems.

I do think that rules are to be followed, which means that he is to observe good manners at the table; that people are to be spoken to in a respectful and civil manner; and that Mom and Dad are to be listened to. I don’t believe in spanking, so Aaron will have time-outs.

Some things are to be circumvented. I’m moving all the Tupperware and aluminum pots and pans to one cabinet so I can lock the others up. This way, he can play with the indestructible things all he wants to, can’t hurt himself or anyone else, and all I need to do is stock up on the Advil. :wink:

The rest of it, we’ll just have to figure out as we go along.

Robin

17

Dragon, you’re absolutely right. You’re an awful, awful mother. I’m calling child protective services. The same goes for all the rest of you awful parents… discplining your kids and stuff. Pfft.

18

I admit, Time Outs work for Baby Kate far better than I’d anticipated. She’s 2 and one half and HATES to be put on time out. She has to go sit on the bottom step in the hallway. Just the phrase “Do you need a time out?” gets her little fanny moving.

19

I also thought that time out’s were a load of crap. But, we tried them for kicks with my daughter, and it worked like a charm. A time out with a little constructive time after words can change her bad attitude for the whole day. My youngest daughter is getting into time outs, but I have a feeling they won’t work as well for her.

Hey, JC! I bet my 2 1/2 year old can beat up your 2 1/2 year old.

20

I’m a big time meanie, as is the missus.

I don’t remember the specific issue, but I remember the HS freshman saying that “all teenagers do x.” Our response was, “No, poorly behaved teenagers may do x, and their parents may tolerate it, but we would not.”

We keep the kids on a tight rein, and have tremendously high expectations. But we also allow them plenty of opportunity to goof off, be kids, make mistakes, be lazy, etc.

We make the poor kids eat dinner with their parents as a family whenever possible (probably all 5 of us are together for 5 out of 7 dinners). And while at the table, we insist that they participate in pleasant/intelligent/entertaining/respectful conversation.

They are allowed to have whatever views they wish, but they are required to have reasons for their positions. And their parents - both lawyers - will freely question their underlying reasons.

We ask them to think about the consequences of their actions, and encourage them to make intelligent decisions. And we ask them to evaluate if certain kids are ones who will be good friends.

We remind them that so much of what they do socially and recreationally is at our leisure. And we give them tremendous llatitude so long as they continue to provide themselves responsible, participate pleasantly and cooperatively in the home and with their family, and excel at school. But they know we expressly reserve the right to terminate any and all of their luxuries should they choose to violate our standards.

We consistently give the best answers we can to any question they ask us. And we encourage such questions. We also try to explain areas on which different people can differ on certain issues. And we try to tell and show them how to respectful of othr people, even if we disagree with them.

We have the nerve to review their homework, and actually distinguish between what the teacher says is important on a paricular assignment, and what we think is important in terms of real life.

And we freely state that while their views and opinions are welcome, our home is nothing like a democracy, and they are free to act however they want as soon as they move out of the house.

While they can dress reflecting their preferences, we let them know certain “styles” we will not allow. Fortunately, their tases do not seem to run to extremes of prepubescent whore or thug wannabe. And we require that they be physically active, eat a balanced diet, and practice basic hygiene.

Must say it is paying off. Our eldest, the HS freshman is extremely happy, and doing quite well at school and socially. As are her younger 2 siblings. It is SO pleasant having happy, intelligent, and well-mannered teenagers around the house. Very glad we put in so much hard work and demanded so much of them and ourselves all of these years.