My wife, and to a lesser extent, our nanny have been complaining about our oldest son’s “behavior”. Specifically, not listening when told to do something, resisting potty-training, tantrums, and that he’s been a bit “off” lately.
Personally, I think they are nuts and that this is normal “terrible twos” behavior. I expect that a two year old might not always listen and will pitch a fit when he doesn’t get his way.
Plus I don’t want our son to be too passive anyway. I think my wife expects a perfectly well behaved robot while I’m tolerant of a bit more Bart Simpson in him.
I also suspect he might be off because of a couple of major changes. We just had a baby girl back in January. My wife is heading back to work soon and his beloved long-time nanny just finished school and will be leaving for a full time professional job soon. Fortunately his other long-time beloved alternate nanny will be taking over her role, so he doesn’t have to get used to a new person.
I don’t think any 2-y/o in the history of the universe has been well-behaved and obedient. My totally non-professional opinion is that the “Terrible Twos” is the first experiment with more independence, testing limits, and attempting to exert control. It’s as it should be. Responsible parents and caregivers will set and enforce consistent limits while allowing said little monster opportunities to learn things that hard way.
I can see where throwing a new baby into the mix only adds to the frustration. Sounds to me like your son is a perfectly normal kid facing life as he knows it in the most logical way for him. Not that my vote counts, but it doesn’t sound to me like an abnormal situation.
My granddaughter was three when her brother came along and it was quite clear that we had ruined her life by allowing this crying attention seeking boy into her home. She adores him now, but it was rough for awhile.
I think your wife and nanny need to give your son a break.
If your wife has been home with your son full time since January and you are seeing a much briefer snapshot of his behavior, I think it’s worth listening to her instincts. If something seems off to her, it’s worth a visit to the pediatrician to talk about it. And in any case, if she’s anxious about her kid, telling her she’s nuts isn’t supportive. You don’t know any better than she does, so there’s no comfort in that.
Talk to his doctor. Go together, and let your wife speak–don’t undercut her observations: just make your own.
I’d go with Mando Jo on this one. If both your wife and your nanny are concerned, it’s worth getting an outside opinion. Hopefully, your wife comes away reassured.
You could have been describing him instead of your own kid. Sounds normal to me.
I sorta wonder if your wife’s concern is more “I have to deal with him and you don’t and I want you to do more of the parenting” rather than “my kid isn’t doing everything I want”. Without knowing your family situation I don’t know if that’s a reasonable demand of your wife or if the total lack of sleep since January is coloring her perceptions
I will say one thing–I don’t know whose idea the potty training was, but 2 is pretty young for that, and 2 for a boy with a new baby in the house is probably nuts. That is one of the things I would bring up with the pediatrician.
I will also say this: I’ve known several people who bitterly regretted not getting something evaluated early. I’ve don’t think I’ve ever known anyone who regretted the opposite.
Toddlers come in all varieties, and nothing you’ve described makes me think anything unusual. Behavioral and cognitive achievements in that age range come in a ‘bucket’ - As in “Most of these things, in no particualr order, by age x” DEfiance and temper tantrums are pretty standard. You child is learing about power - having grasped the power of the concept of “No.” But they’re also at an age where things like discipline, self control, and such are foriegn, and they’re not able to articulate fully their frustrations. For a toddler, “Now” is all there ever will be - They don’t understand the concept of ‘future’ - so anything they want, they want NOW, because if it isn’t NOW, it NEVER will be.
I agree. And we’re only getting a very brief synopsis through the OP’s POV here. Sure, what he describes sounds like fairly normal 2-year-old behavior to me here, but if mom and somebody who presumably has experience around kids (the nanny) are concerned, it’s worth taking the concern seriously. I mean, I totally empathize. I have an almost 3-year-old and I can see being in the OP’s shoes thinking everyone else is nuts, and this is just a toddler going through their terrible 2s phase, but when I have other opinions of other caretakers thinking it’s unusual, then I do have to step back for a second and consider that maybe they are right.
Personally, I would not be concerned, but I would advise not dismissing your wife’s concern (and this is something I sometimes fail at myself.) If she’s worried, get it checked out.
That all sounds perfectly normal to this father. Children can pick up on the slightest disturbances and if he senses something different about your wife thinking about going back to work that itself could explain some of the problems. Our daughter was two when our son was born and didn’t have any problems when she went back, but I know of other kids who did.
I really wonder about potty training at the age two. If he’s really ready for it, then all the more power to him, but if not then it’s pretty young to be pushing him, isn’t it?
Children your son’s age have 95% of an adult’s emotions and 1% of the coping skills. Do the math. Of course they’re gonna blow up.
He’s 3 and not fully potty trained? I know what the problem is. He’s 3. Or 2, I’m not clear. (If you are hoping for a potty trained child at 2, holy shit, dream on.)
But the thing is, we don’t know the extent. SOME temper tantrums are normal. Pitching five a day is really not normal, though - kids are usually happy. You say your boy’s having some behavioural issue, but with such things, **frequency is the issue. **
I mean, suppose you had an employee who lost his temper over a big chance at work and send you a pissy, unprofessional email, and you think to yourself, “Huh, Ted’s been here 5 years and he’s never done anything like this before.” And a few months later he hasn’t done it again. Oh well, Ted just had a terrible day, whaddya gonna do.
But now suppose he’s sending an email like that twice a week. You’re going to start lining up your documents to fire his ass.
So, I mean, how often if your son pitching a fit? Is is legit disruptive? Can people in a position to compare his behaviour with other children of the same age say he is definitely more disruptive?
[QUOTE=John DiFool]
Am I the only preschooler who LOVED having a younger (4 years in my case, a sister) in my household?
[/QUOTE]
Of course not, but you’re making the error of assuming that means it won’t cause the child to toss fits.
There’s not necessarily a logical connection between what the child consciously enjoys and what will cause stress reactions; you can like something that still causes stress. Stress is something that literally affects you physically - it makes you tired, irritable, stuff like that. When a little child feels stress, they will react to that with crying, resistance, and other behavioural blowups. The immediate cause might appear to be something innocuous, like “Jimmy, don’t pour your milk on the cat” and then suddenly Jimmy goes berzerk and you’re wondering “the hell does he have against me and the cat?” but the reason he may be dialing it up to 10 instead of 2 is because of some unrelated source of stress.
My wife had a dreadful battle with her daughter/my stepdaughter last night, and the kid was still pissed this morning. Kid’s 12. The challenges are DIFFERENT, but they’re still challenges, and the theme remains the same; the child’s emotions mature faster than their skills to manage the emotions (which, I guess, is logically inevitable.)
I mean, at least our kids can use a toilet, make their own breakfasts and stuff, I won’t lie, in a hell of a lot of ways it gets wayyyy easier, logistically speaking. But there’s always something. And as they age, the somethings start to diverge; our daughters are very different and provide totally different behavioural challenges.
Tangent and anecdote – can start a new thread if this ends up too far afield:
A handful of young parents that my wife and I know (some family, some not) seem to believe that potty training should start around 18-24 months and be perfected by the child maybe 6 months later. I don’t know what they’re reading or what’s influenced that mindset. Maybe it’s a competition thing between parents.
Lots of good comments already in this thread. The only thing I would add is that I don’t think you can ascribe behavior by a two-year-old to the fact that your wife will be returning to work “soon” and the nanny will be leaving “soon,” unless you have inadvertently terrorized him about upcoming losses.
Two year olds don’t have a good sense of time, or permanence - as long as mommy and the nanny are still around, the concept that one day they will not be is probably vague and unfathomable. (On the other hand, if he’s been told sternly, “next week you have to be a BIG BOY because you won’t have mommy or the nanny anymore - they are LEAVING YOU ALL ALONE!!!” then perhaps he’s become anxious. But I’m pretty sure you haven’t talked to him that way.)
It’s nasty old people with inaccurate memories. My husband’s grandmother swears up and down that all three of her children were independent in the bathroom by 18 months of age. And if yours aren’t, you’ve failed as a parent.
The nanny being worried is a red flag for me, and suggest to me that it’d be smart to take a second look or at the least start reading up on some new parenting strategies.
Kids that age aren’t great at keeping it together, but there is a difference between a kid who:
Knows how to behave and wants to behave, but doesn’t always have the self control to do it well.
Knows how to behave but doesn’t care to or is being purposefully and persistently defiant.
Doesn’t seems to understand there are boundaries on behavior.
Likewise, there is a difference between a kid who you cant trust to clean their room, and a kid who you can’t trust not to run into traffic. There is a difference between a kid who won’t eat their veggies, and a kid who throws their food at the nanny. If the kid makes things difficult but in the end you are able to keep him fed, clean and safe you are probably fine. But if the behavior issues make it hard to keep him safe and severely disrupt basic daily life, it may be worth at least monitoring.
I don’t think anything you described on its own sounds like behavior wildly outside the norm for 2-3 years old, but I think the real question is more about if this is wildly outside the norm for your actual kid. It sounds like maybe your wife and the nanny are expressing this, and sure, it’s worth talking to a professional. And of course kids change as they grow all the time, and they even seem to regress in terms of certain behaviors, but I think someone who you think is otherwise competent, and is around your child all the time, probably has a reasonable feel for what could be a significant change.
