It can be done if the person who was cheated on can really get past it. Some people can’t and that’s fine as long as you’re not kidding yourself.
Look at Hillary Clinton, I recall a reading how some women didn’t like her when she was running for president, because she didn’t dump Bill. I think it did hurt her in some ways politically.
Of course if she did dump him, she would have gotten it from the other side
Okay, Okay, the two things are separately true. Adultery is taken much more serious in the US then in the Netherlands. In the US is it quite likely to cause divorce; here, it is quite likely to cause a big fight, and that is about it. Of course the personal mileace may vary wildly.
The second thing that is true is that I’m bummed about my marriage, but that doesn’t make the above thing less true.
Third thing is that I wish the OP luck and that I still recommend the book I recommended.
:: leaves thread ::
If we were talking about *creating *(your words) no they don’t. That’s not what is at issue. Creating a lasting relationship doesn’t usually or effectively attach an affair to it, which is why the recommendations of kicking one to the curb are used. This isn’t a creation scenario-it is an evaluate/repair type of thing. The ones who advise a dump are the ones that understand that some (all?) affairs mean the *end *of a relationship, (or a repetition of the bad behavior)and any further investment is throwing good money after bad. I believe that statistics would back up that the majority of infidelities are irreparable. ( I said “I believe.” I don’t have the inclination to look it up.)
Well, this is logic at it’s finest!
I had more typed, but realized that multiple people had already pointed out your errors. Everybody wins.
Speaking of logic, how does one believe in statistics and claim ignorance at the same time?
Dh and I recovered our marriage after an affair.
I highly recommend the blog “Married Man Sex Life”. Our marriage is in fantastic shape now. Last night we went out for the 24 year anniversary of our first meeting.
First, make sure your reasoning for wanting to get back together is that you want to be in a marriage with one another, not because you want to prove how much better you are now that you are thinner and wiser or because you want to punish her or because she wants to prove she’s not a bad person or wants to punish herself. I don’t say that as a character assassination of either of you, just possibilities that could come up without you realizing that is the reason. Since you said you guys have been seeing counselors separately and together, I can assume this has been addressed.
Second - two very good pieces of paired advice upthread: don’t use it to punish her for every little thing (“You forgot to buy toilet paper? Yeah, just like you forgot your were married while you were blowing Jeremy, too, I bet.”) Also, don’t make it the thing that must never be spoken of again. Both of these have been addressed upthread. If you make the affair the elephant in the room, then guess what? You have got yourself a vicious elephant (aside: why do I always type *viscous *at first? That’s one elephant defying the laws of physics). You may need something as silly as a “code word” or a shorthand way to let the other know you are venturing into raw territory. Do you remember that you were watching Titanic when you discovered the affair? So when she flips on Titanic and you start to get twitchy (because of the memory, not because of your totally rational hatred of James Cameron) you need to say “bad memory” or “the great unpleasantness” or “papa hates water!” or anything y’all decide so that you can take a moment to regroup instead of sitting there, stewing, hating James Cameron, then blowing up at her for forgetting the popcorn cheese powder just one more goddamn time.
Finally - do your friends and family know why you were separated? If they do, you are going to have to sack up and tell them you are getting back together and don’t wanna hear no shit about it. OK, you don’t have to be unpleasant. But you do need to be braced for all the “duuuuuuude…” you are going to get. And be ready to look your family and best buds in the eye and say “This is my wife and we will deal with it ourselves. If you can’t be around her let me know now.” And some guys may not be ready to accept her back because they remember you crying in the fetal position hugging your wedding photos and sucking your thumb. The more of that they saw the longer it may take them to like her again. I assume your kids didn’t witness any of that and have no idea how to deal with that. The fact that you are paying people to guide you means there are much, much more qualified people than I to help you with that. 
I don’t get this at all. Not sleeping with anyone else is basically the whole point. Otherwise you are just roomates and occasional fuck buddies.
Speak for yourself. It’s not the “whole point” of my marriage. It is a part of my marriage, but not the whole or even the most critical point. I would find it unbelievably depressing if it were.
From this post the OP sounds more or less like he was big lump of morbidly obese suet before she cheated on him, and as part of the working it out process he got motivated to get in better shape.
If I was close to 100 lbs overweight and my wife cheated on me I think I’d be willing to shoulder a pretty big chunk of the blame for her straying. I’ve been fat and I’ve been in shape. Trying to maintain or enjoy a sexual relationship ship with a hugely fat spouse is a very difficult thing to do on multiple levels.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Peter Doubt
Very helpful site, and the books too. We were separated for 5 months and went through quite a bit of counseling together and alone. I lost 90 pounds (it was excess, now at a healthy weight) , started running, started taking care of myself overall. Don’t want to wallow in the details any more, I never stopped loving her. She’s here for me and understands that I’m rebuilding myself as we are building our new relationship.
If I were 100lbs overweight, I would shoulder the responsiblity for being overweight but that doesn’t mean I should hold myself responsible for my wife breaking the trust we’d worked decades towards strengthening. This is a husband and a wife; not a boyfriend and a girlfriend.
IMO letting yourself completely go into a grotesque pile of wattled flesh is a violation (in spirit) of your marriage vows. If you eat yourself into a state of morbid obesity you are quite probably essentially unilaterally destroying a part of why your SO liked you in the first place. Illnesses can’t be helped, but obesity can. I’m not sure why a unilateral decision to let yourself go should get a pass as a “no harm, no foul” thing for one spouse to do to another.
The dynamics of a relationship are interwoven and not black and white. I’m sure his weight gain wasn’t exclusive from the marital issues facing them both prior to the affair. Who says his wife didn’t play some role in his weight gain; albeit indirectly?
You’d be happier if he was diddling the help as long as he took out the trash without badgering? :smack:
From a guy who’s decidedly un-patriotic, this post makes me both proud and relieved to be American.
Talk about scratching one’s head…
My wife cheated, emotionally, but not physically. Not for lack of trying on her part, but hers and his timing didn’t work out quite right for them.
The first sign was my wife saying she wanted a divorce. A bunch of red flags went up. I did some rather illicit snooping, and uncovered chat logs and whatnot.
We talked. We talked a lot, about the things that she didn’t like about me. WE discussed the things I didn’t like about her.
About 9 months later, she said she was really afraid she was making a mistake, and asked me not to go. I told her that I had never wanted to go in the first place.
We are working on issues. The only strong thing that I demanded out of all this was that she not talk to the guy anymore, at all. And I still have trust issues.
Our marriage is strong than it has been in years. But it is a hard road. Honest communication, even if what you will say is painful, is probably the most key thing.
Good luck.
???
Until it happens again!
What you have there, Maastricht is not what most of us (American or not) would define as a marriage. No wonder infidelity doesn’t bother you–you don’t even LIKE your husband!