IOW–the MOB is making the stepmom look foolish by getting to wear the dress first. Now stepmom looks like what she (in a way) is–a pale carbon copy of MOB. (apologies to all steps out there–it’s not my joke!).
I can see Ms Manners tut-tutting about this clueless bride to be. A shower is one of the rare occasions where a gift is mandatory (quoting Ms Manners here, no cite)–to hand out invites is essentially trolling for gifts in person–a step away from passing a hat.
the social niceties of this highway robbery(aka shower invite) need to observed. The MIL(maybe) should be throwing the shower–or the MOH and bridal party. NOT THE MOB.
It looks as if the bride’s family is trying to up their “riches” this way. Bad impression to give (even if it is accurate).
And I do so hope that this bride’s thank you notes are not “graphically designed”–please write a handwritten appreciation of someone else’s thoughtfulness and outlay. If not for the more noble reasons like manners and civility, than because it pays–a baby shower might be in the offing…
Sooo…you accuse her of being cheap for not buying stamps, then you complain she sent out invitations that were not only anything but cheap but which she put her own work into as well…that bitch! Maybe it just made sense to her that for people she sees everyday, it would be resonable to give them their invitations. Why does splashing out on an additional 33 cents to have a dozen or so guys in ugly shorts handle the invitation before it gets to to the person she wants to invite suddenlly make it “classier”? Maybe it seemed more sensible (and maybe more personal which you’d think they were suppose to be) to not use the post office when it wasn’t necessary. Does to me.
And how do you know she has female relative who could do it? Or any relative? Although I guess if her brother did it that would also offend the gods of etiquette?
Ah. I see. I admit I hadn’t fit the “highway robbery” aspect into it. Or the desirerablity of social nicites to gloss over crass acts. Obviously I have a lot to learn about etiquette :rolleyes: .
She’s got three sisters, who she openly professes to hate, so I guess it’s no wonder why they wouldn’t want to throw a shower for her. She’s got a couple of sisters-in-law, and a future sister-in-law, too. I know she has aunts, too. Did you ever stop to think that I know a little more about the situation than you do? I guess I should have explained all of this in more detail.
Think what you want about the stamps. If she can spend that much on the cards, she can spend an extra 23 cents on the stamp so it at least doesn’t look like she’s throwing a “bring me gifts” party for herself. She shouldn’t be planning her own bridal shower, period. It’s fishing for gifts, and it’s tacky. (Oh, I forget, her mother is planning it. Then again, she does live with her parents.)
I agree that people should have basic good manners, but fussing over arcane rules of etiquette is stupid. It’s not like this woman is threatening to club you over the head unless you bring her expensive gifts.
Do you normally feel inclined to give a potential clubber over the head gifts? No-that is called robbery.
She is pushing the envelope on social obligations and should be called on it in some way. Sadly, there is no polite way to do so. I would almost hope that she fails to send thank you’s so that the Call can be made.
the Call is when you nicely shame someone into good manners(or just manners) by expressing concern over the arrival of said gift (if shipped). Bride says “of course I got it–all 12 place settings.” And then you can say," well, what with shipping companies today, one never knows, afterall, I never heard one way or another…"
Bride should then express remorse at being so callous as to neglect to recognize your trifle. Sadly, bride often doesn’t even pick up the clue then and one is left gnashing one’s teeth and foreswearing any baby gift, ever…
Ah, the world of showers, weddings and etiquette–it’s an ugly place at times.
(I am not saying that I have approve of either the custom of ignoring other’s generosity or their comeuppance. I am merely relating the customs of my people).
Love that. Robot Arm, technically, Jane’s friends are supposed to think “Jane needs a bridal shower” then throw it for her. A shower is like a child’s birthday party - it’s centered around gifts. (A bridal luncheon, or a bachelorette party which would be centered around hanging out, revisiting friends, having fun, etc. That can be thrown by the bride herself or her family members.) But since shower=gifts, it’s not considered quite nice to say “gimme” or to ask people to give your daughter/sister/niece gifts.
How’s this for bad form? I am standing up in a wedding that I had to buy 2 dresses for. The bridesmaids went shopping with the bride and all bought dresses on the first trip. Later that same evening, we get a call from the bride - her mom was upset she didnt get to go with, thinks halter dresses are too sexy for a wedding, and insisted we return them. Only problem is that the “risque’” dress is non-refundable. The bride gets what she wants, right? So, I now own a second ugly dress I’ll never wear.
Ah, wedding season again. Reminds me of mine (which my 2-year anniversary is less than a week away!).
But before my wedding, my DH’s best friend was getting married. We have known this couple for a couple years. In fact, I’ve known the best friend for over 10 years at the time of the wedding. The bride, well let’s say everyone hated her. She had been trying to fix up her MOH with my DH (he was my fiance then) for years to no avail, neither party interested. Didn’t seem to stop her though. I thought the bride and I were decent enough friends and considering I was engaged to her fiance’s BEST FRIEND of over 15 years and he was also the best man in the wedding, you would think there’d be no problem.
WRONG.
They decided (well, she did) that I wasn’t invited. Nor were my DH’s parents whom the groom had known for years, nor the friends he had all these years. Only HER preapproved family and friends could go. So, being the wonderful man that my DH is, he called his friend a couple weeks before the wedding and told him “If she doesn’t go, neither do I.” He then went on to ask why he would not invite people who had been there for him most of his life. Needless to say, we all went to the wedding. But we don’t really talk now since she has a vice on his nuts. It’s sad really. At least she had the decency to not show up to my wedding, granted she was due any day.
My wedding deserves it’s own thread though. My MIL is a piece of work. To put it real simple, she complained about everything. She got mouthy with the caterers, she refused to talk to me the entire day - she wouldn’t even make eye-contact with me (because somehow it was MY fault she couldn’t be anywhere on time to save her life, she showed up an hour late to the rehearsal and then was just in time for the wedding to start, and this was MY fault?). Then for 6 or so months after my wedding, she did not contact us. But things are cool now, I’ve just come to terms that she’s a loon. :rolleyes:
Wedding season always brings out the worst in people.
Truer words have never been spoken. I often worry that brides, grooms, and their families get so caught up today in the huge wedding, the gifts, and all the hoopla that they fail to put much thought into the actual marriage that’s to follow–which should, of course, be the most important part. I can’t tell you how many friends have had a perfect wedding only to regret their decision to get married in less than a year. It’s sad that (some) weddings have come to that. I know I’m never going to do it again! Then again, I plan on my marriage lasting forever. (Five years this August! Wow!)
Why do people make weddings into such a big deal that they end up not talking to each other or throwing major hissy fits over every excruciating detail? They are supposed to be times of joy! Sheesh!
My next to youngest niece got married in April in Chicago. I had a blast! It was a big blowout, if you will, wedding. It was all done, ceremony and all at a hotel. There was the wedding, then a cocktail hour while the rest of the wedding pictures were taken (the nephew-in-law did not want to see my niece in her dress before the wedding so they had to do all those bride and groom type pictures then), then a sit down dinner and a big ol’ party afterwards with a dj, dancing, open bar, the works. Everybody, the niece and nephew-in-law included, had a blast! Hell, even my mother stayed up until eleven pm. Now, that’s just unheard of!
As far as showers and all that jazz goes, I don’t know from what to do. Either go or don’t go. Nobody owes the bride anything. Nobody is obligated to attend the damn thing. Just RSPV no.
My very well-to-do cousin and her even-better-to-do new husband put a very pretty mass-printed bookmark at each table setting at the reception that thanked each guest for their contribution to the day. No thank-yous were ever sent, that bookmark was supposed to be it according to his mom.
If I ever thought I had half a handle on common etiquette, I can stop deluding myself now.
I understood the tackiness of flopping an invite on coworkers instead of mailing, wouldn’t tweak me but I get it. Although, in my workplace it’s normal, it’s one thing to voluntarily ask other’s into your personal space, something that obviously happens if you’re inviting them to your shower/wedding, but it’s gauche to invade their privacy by asking for their home address, info they may want to keep private.
I didn’t realize showers were supposed to be gift-focused, though. I’ve heard about the same amount of griping about stupid shower games as I’ve heard about being put off by give-us-stuff oriented showers, so I figure you’re going to tweak people no matter what. Most showers I’ve attended were more of the play games, have fun, get silly prizes and visit variety, not so much the let’s oooh over the towels and china type.
The real kicker is that I’ve never even heard that family wasn’t supposed to throw the shower. Even if the bridal party or MOH hosts, the MOB and rest of the family usually help, right? In most cases, sisters and cousins are part of the bridal party, so you’re back to family being involved in throwing the shower, hell the MOB is part of the bridal party usually, they’re at the rehearsel dinner, may take part in the ceremony, they get a special dress and flowers and special seating at the ceremony and reception, how is family not going to be somewhat involved?
Eeeep…i never knew that mom’s aren’t allowed to throw showers. When my two best friends got married, I was the de-facto maid of honor since I am the only person they know
Apparently I’m not smart enough (or uh…interested enough) to throw a proper shower, so I got brushed aside and let the mom do it. Well she told me she was going to do it. I said “cool, I’ll help carry stuff in and out of the hall.”
I was in charge of the bachelorette party tho. wheeeee.
The term “shower” refers to the bride (and to be fair, the groom) being “showered” with gifts.
I also loathe all shower games and didn’t have any (except the damn ribbon thing–yeah, I broke ribbons to get the gifts open–I did not get pregnant right away like the superstition says… :rolleyes: ).
Portia --the bookmark sucks. No Waterford from me to THAT couple, if you please…
I am not kidding. I have sent very nice gifts to various brides (long distance where I couldn’t get to the wedding) and never heard back from them one way or another.
However did this couple handle those type of gifts? Send them a bookmark ? How about a nice note, expressing gratitude that someone cared enough to actually lay out money, time and effort to let you have a “better” start in your married life?
I can’t fathom all of the consternation over the color of the cocktail napkins when the real meaning of the wedding is the celebration of the beginning of your life together as a couple.
An acquaintance of mine spent over $40,000 on their daughter’s wedding that ended in divorce in less than a year. WTF? Were they so busy planning an Event that they forgot to ask if they loved each other?
As for the OP, may I suggest that rather than judge the bride for being “tacky”, just don’t go to the shower. Life’s too short to get wrapped around the axle about something as trivial as whether or not the MOB is supposed to host her own daughter’s bridal shower or if the bride made her own invitations. There may be a hundred reasons that you may not be aware of driving their decision. One of which may simply be “ignorance” on their part.
Have you never made an etiquette faux pas? Would you have been appreciative if someone had called you on it? Not likely.
No, actually the very pretty bookmark, w/ all the wedding date and cast info on it was placed at each guest’s seat in front of their plate. I saw it when we came into the reception hall and mentioned to my mom that the ‘thank you for coming’ note on the back of it seemed over long. Turned out to be the only one we all got. “But each person got one, not just people who gave a gift, so it’s more fair!” was evidently the battle cry.
In fact, I have, and in fact I was not. But it was because of the way it was handled…
Long story short, parents need to teach their kids to write thank you notes when they’re young. Don’t leave it to some rude relative to ruin a birthday card w/ a snarky note.
I think it must depend on where you live. Around here, a shower is almost completely gift-focused anymore. There are a few games at some of them. Sometimes there’s a reading or someone gives cute anecdotes about the couple. These types of showers are going by the wayside in favor of “come and go” showers that are centered around gifts. I actually had two showers. One was organized by the ladies of my church, which is common here. There was a program, with games and a skit by my aunts. Another, much smaller, shower, was given by my husband’s aunts. The second was more of a time for us all to get together and talk about the wedding, and get to know one another better. It was nice.
And of course, I have made an etiquette faux pas. Who hasn’t? But it most certainly did not involve asking someone to give me gifts.
(Five years this August! Wow!)