I know there are quite a few Dopers who will enjoy this major breach of etiquette. This morning, a cow-orker came in and put postcard invitations to her own bridal shower on everyone’s desks. Yikes. As if that isn’t bad enough, I can tell that she made them herself. She’s a graphic designer here, and I know her work very well. My name was written on the invitation in her handwriting, too. How incredibly tacky of her. To top it off, I understand her mother is throwing the shower.
So … it’s June and the wedding season is beginning. What are some of your favorite wedding gaffe stories? (Yes, I know there’s an “Etiquette Hell” website. I thought it might be fun to share some among ourselves.)
Hmm I’m no Miss Manners, but is this REALLY bad etiquitte?
She made them herself - well, she’s a graphic designer
She wrote on them herself - well…she’s a graphic designer
She handed them out herself - well…does she have your home address or does her mom?
Sometimes it’s nice (for me) to be blissfully ignorant of the rules
It’s VERY bad etiquette, because it makes her look like she’s asking for gifts by throwing her own bridal shower.
While a lot of etiquette rules have changed, this is one that’s still pretty well known - you can’t throw your own bridal shower. If you don’t have someones home address, get it.
The wedding was held at a small church. The church kitchen was right next to the chapel, and the bride’s mother and friends were in there preparing the wedding buffet before the ceremony. I was 7 months pregnant, and the bride was over an hour late for the vows. I sat there eating Tums, trying not to bolt for the kitchen and eat the first piece of food I could get my hands on. I was even picturing how I would do it…I was going to pretend to be looking for the restroom, and as soon as I spotted something edible, I was going to yoink it and run into a corner of the foyer. I even practiced my feral growls in my head.
Well, I still think it’s very bad form to make it appear that you’re throwing yourself a bridal shower. As badbadrubberpiggy noted, it makes it appear that the bride is fishing for gifts. Not mailing them also says, “I’m too cheap for a stamp, but I’d like for you to fork out some money to buy me a gift.”
The point of a bridal shower is that friends and family shower you with things you’ll need for your new life. You don’t tell them to do it. Where I come from, the bride’s mother also does not throw the bridal shower.
In British weddings, the gifts are given to the couple, and not before the day. And it’s common (indeed the norm) to have wedding lists, with every department store offering such a service. Nobody sees it as unacceptable to be ‘asking’ for presents, given that it’s seen as unacceptable to not buy the couple a present
I realizes bridal showers are supposed to be thrown for you. And not by a relative. But, hey, maybe she didn’t have anyone she felt she could impose on that way (and I’ve read plenty of entries on Etiquette Hell about brides who felt perfectly comfortable imposing tremendously on other people, including making demands about their shower {and what gifts they wanted} but still preseved the form of etiquette by making a bridesmaid actually take responsibility.)
Yeah, if you look at showers in terms of the bride raking in gifts, it would be rude. But maybe she just wanted a party with some of her friends before she got married. And was willing (unlike some who follow the letter of the etiquette but not the spirit) to put out some effort making her own invitations in order to make that happen.
Personally I think it’s good etiquette not to think the worst of people unnecessarily :).
GorillaMan, we have bridal showers here that are mostly women-only affairs, during which the bride is given gifts. I think traditionally you’re supposed to give her household items. Of course, for the wedding we give gifts to the couple, too. Though I’m sure you already know that.
We have registries here as well. It isn’t bad form to do so. It is, however, bad form to list the names of places you’re registered at on your wedding invitation. I think it would be fine for someone who’s throwing the bride a shower to include it on an invitation (just not the bride herself).
[QUOTE=yellowvalWe have registries here as well. It isn’t bad form to do so. It is, however, bad form to list the names of places you’re registered at on your wedding invitation. I think it would be fine for someone who’s throwing the bride a shower to include it on an invitation (just not the bride herself).[/QUOTE]
I suppose our invites are nominally from the parents of the bride. But it’s acceptable (to most people) to include details of the wedding lists, and there’s no way to do that without a little, errr, collusion with the couple.
Hey, this looks like a good thread to post this joke in. I had to ask my mother to explain it to me (and then I understood it somewhat, although I didn’t find it very funny.) I’m curious to see if everyone else gets it.
However, I do know better than to throw my own shower!
The Perfect Dress
Jennifer’s wedding day was fast approaching.
Nothing could dampen her excitement–not even her
parents’ nasty divorce.
Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear and
would be the best dressed mother-of-the-bride ever.
A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that
her father’s new young wife had bought the exact same dress!
Jennifer asked her to exchange it, but she refused.
“Absolutely not. I look like a million bucks in this
dress, and I’m wearing it,” she replied.
Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, “Never
mind sweetheart, I’ll get another dress. After all, it’s your
special day.”
A few days later, they went shopping and did find
another gorgeous dress.
When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her
mother, “Are you going to return the other dress? You really don’t
have another occasion where you could wear it.”
She just smiled and replied, "Of course I do, dear.
I’m wearing it to the rehearsal dinner!
Susie Derkins, I forgot to address this earlier: I hope your experience taught you that when pregnant, one should always bring a sack lunch for emergencies such as these!
My friend’s wedding was delayed for more than an hour by her future mother-in-law, who got lost on the way to the church. I guess in that case, it wasn’t totally her fault, though perhaps she should have been better acquainted with the location of the church beforehand.
So, you can’t throw your own bridal shower, and a relative can’t do it for you. Are you supposed to ask a friend to do it (which strikes me as even tackier than the case in the OP), or is someone supposed to just know that you want a shower and volunteer to arrange it?
Your wedding party is supposed to do it, usually with the maid of honor in charge. My sister is my MOH, and technically family isn’t supposed to do it, but in these cases it is usually ok. Though it’s still considered bad etiquette for a family member to throw it, it’s not observed as much. Some women don’t have close friends that will do it, but that doesn’t mean she doesn’t deserve a shower as much as the next girl, so in cases like those people usually ignore the fact that family is throwing it.
I think this is silly. You’re her coworker, I’d much prefer getting invites from my coworker by hand then from her mom in the mail. I rarely open mail I don’t recognize anyway, so chances are I’d throw it away if the names were different.
As for making them yourself, get off your high horse! Weddings are expensive and one has to cut costs wherever one can. I’ll be lucky if I have enough money to *make * my own invites, let alone buy them, when my time comes.
I’m sure this violates more wedding etiquette rules than I care to think about, but there’s no way around it I’m afraid.
My mother wants to throw one (reasonable, as she lives in Alaska, I’m getting married in New York and a number of the guests also live in Alaska and really can’t make it to the wedding but want to be included - plus my fiance and I are coming for a visit before the wedding). I learned many a year ago not to argue with my mother when she really wants something.
My mother-in-law-to-be wants to throw one (she wants to be involved somehow and I’m more than willing to be a little on the etiquette-free side in the name of getting along with my future mother-in-law). She’s decided this will be the only time she gets to be a part of the girly side of getting married and by damn she wants to have a girly party!
My maid-of-honor wants to throw one. It’s her job and she’s going to do it dammit! (Direct quote, by the way :P)
I learned in the process of getting married that if it’s a choice between etiquette and family politics and personal relationships, Miss Manners will have to take my sincere apologies.
You misunderstand. If these were, in fact, hand-made invitations it would be sweet. These are professionally printed postcard invitations that were designed on the computer. I’m sure they weren’t cheap. Definitely more expensive than a store-bought, hand-written invitation or a hand-made invitation.
Her mother should not be throwing her the shower in the first place. If family must throw the bride’s shower, if there are no friends to do it, it should be a sister, aunt, or some other female family member othat than the mother or grandmother to do it. And I, for one, open my mail. I’m at the age when we receive so many wedding and shower invitations, and thank-you notes from said events, that I’d hate to risk missing one just because I didn’t recognize what it was!
I am such a guy. I read this thread three times and I still don’t get what the big deal is. I’m mean, I get it, kinda, but I just can’t raise my outrage above “meh.”
Ditto to women showing up to an event in the same outfit.
I’m another guy who doesn’t get the joke. I think it’s supposed to be that
[spoiler]The younger woman will then have to fret and go buy a new dress. But, she didn’t seem bothered before, so I don’t see why that works. Did the bride not tell her why she should get another dress?
Either way, I don’t understand why it’s funny.[/spoiler]
I do read Miss Manners’ column religiously, though, so I’m aware of how tacky throwing your own showers and listing gifts requested on the wedding invitation are.
The joke is that the bride’s step mother (dad’s new gf…whatever) bought the same dress as the bride’s mother. The mother went out and bought another dress, so the daughter asked if she was going to wear the original dress that step mommy was planning to wear. Mom says no, because she is going to wear it the day before at the rehearsal dinner. This would leave the step mom to have to either a: wear the same dress that was worn by the mother the day before or b: get a new dress on short notice.
