One of jeevwoman’s friends is getting married in the fall (to a guy who, until recently, wouldn’t even refer to said friend as his “girlfriend,” another thread in itself). jeevwoman is in the wedding.
Knowing that her sister, the matron of honor, was interested in organizing a bridal shower, the bride expressed a strong desire NOT to have one. She says she has been on her own long enough to acquire most of the stuff she needs, and isn’t really a “girly girl” who gets into things like wedding showers.
jeevwoman passed this information (bride doesn’t want a shower) on to the bride’s sister, and was subsequently informed that:
The bride is being “selfish” and “juvenille” in not wanting a shower.
Deep down, the bride “really wants” a shower, despite what she says.
Everyone else, including the groom, wants her to have a shower.
No, the rant doesn’t end there, although I do wonder if we need to coin the word “Mathra” to describe this attitude (“Mathra” is to “Bridezilla” as “Mothra” is to “Godzilla,” get it?)
Fast forward a few months. We get a letter in the mail from Mathra about the shower. It is going to have 60 people (!). Mathra further states that each bridesmaid’s share of the shower expenses will be $350.
WTF? The bride said she doesn’t want a shower, and now we have to contribute $350 for it? On what planet is this acceptable?
For the record, jeevwoman says that this is completely ordinary and normal, kind of like the bridesmaids having to pay for their own dresses. Another “tradition” I think is stupid - if your personal aesthetic requires you to put your friends in orange taffeta dresses that they will never wear again, you should have to pay for it.
Meaning: us having to pay for it is normal, along with the $262 for the dress, the $500 plane tickets and the wedding gift itself. What I think is insane is that they are inviting 60 PEOPLE and that BRIDE IS BEING THE OPPOSITE OF SELFISH AND SISTER IS THE ONE WHO IS FULFILLING THIS ROLE.
I did manage to talk Sis out of the “one of the games is addressing your own thank you note” so I am pretty proud of that. I also did mention that I thought showers were just supposed to be really close friends and family. No response on THAT part.
Having heard this story already in much more exhaustive detail, I would also like to emphasize that it is NOT NORMAL for people to have no input into something, and then be expected, without any sort of forewarning, to cough up a predetermined (and rather large) amount of cash for it. An amount, I might add, which was predetermined by the person who apparently did all the decision making without any input whatsoever from the people from whom she is then extorting money.
I think a letter to Miss Manners is in order. You can then frame the resultant column and send it to the Matron of “Honor.”
The fuck? When I was maid of honor in my friends wedding, I was informed I was to put on the shower (not by the bride, but by everyone I asked since this was the first wedding where I had been in the bridal party much less a maid of honor so I wanted to be sure I didn’t fuck up anything).
But when I did it hosting the shower meant hosting the shower. In any ettiqute books I’ve read and opinions I’ve solicited, hosting means hosting. As in paying for the damn party. Asking other members of the bridal party to chip in never even occured to me! Considering I was ghetto broke at the time (not much has changed in 4 years), it was a pretty simple shower: lasange and cake from Costco, toilet paper to play bridal games, cheap decorations and invitations.
And we all had a fabulous time.
I can’t imagine what kind of soiree would cost $350 for any more than 1 person! Even that much seems expensive!
I really hope jeevwoman isn’t going to pay. I can’t imagine what kind of ingrate would believe organizing a party (against the guest of honor’s wishes) and then demanding such an exhorbiant contribution from those who had no say in the planning (or any opprotunity to speak up when the expenses got so obviously out of hand) is socially acceptable.
Hell, we got the full boat Catholic Mass, big-assed choir and band (one of whom played banjo!) and a harpist at the reception and we came in under $300.
Of course, we cheated. Wife was a member of said choir and band, so they were gratis, as was the church. And $100 of that cost went to the harpist. The rest paid for her dress and the like.
Man, $350 for a freakin’ shower? For that kinda scratch I wanna be wiped and powdered.
Has she booked some sort of incredibly handsome with awesome muscular bodies totally completely nekkid guy dancers that you get to pick one and take him home or something? I still wouldn’t pay $350, but then again, I shouldn’t. Marcie might, though.
Yup, it is the usual modus operandi. For people who can’t afford (or don’t wish to spend) $300 or more on a dress they won’t ever wear again, there is always the option of politely declining. In my circles, it’s also customary for the bride to gift the bridesmaids with either a piece of jewelry to be worn at the wedding, or else a donation to defray the costs of dress, dyed-to-match shoes, etc.
As for the shower, though - also in my circles, the maid of honor typically throws the shower, if there is to be one. If the maid of honor is a relative, so be it. (In the interests of full disclosure, I will say that as maid of honor, I hosted the shower for my sister’s wedding.) I have NEVER been asked to chip in for the cost of a shower luncheon if it was held at a restaurant. Nor did I ask for any money when I held my sister’s shower - my mom helped out with the expenses, since I was but a poor student at the time. I would not “donate” any money to this woman’s endeavor. In fact, I wouldn’t even give that much money as a wedding gift to anyone outside my immediate family.
BTW, 60 people??? I sincerely hope that ALL of these women are also invited to the wedding, otherwise this is just an amazingly tacky money grab on the part of the bride-to-be’s sister.
Holy mother of God. Will there be diamond-and-gold-encrusted Oysters Rockefeller as an appetizer?
I’m one of those brides who really didn’t want a shower, but conceded for the family (read: Mom)…now there are about 50 people invited to watch me ooh-and-aah over a stainless steel paper towel holder next month. Joy. I plan on sucking back a few cocktails in my sister-in-law’s kitchen before everyone shows up.
$350 EACH is outrageous. The matron of honor is completely out of line here, especially when she didn’t even bother to confer with the others before planning her Giant Soiree of Death. Please don’t pay, jeevwoman. Let her cover the whole $1000 shindig herself.
Great Googly Moogly–*$350 EACH? * For 60 people? That’s a freaking $21,000 shower! What on earth does she have planned? I’ve paid $25-$50 for shower expenses --but this is unbelievable! As is the thought of a 60 person shower.
Poor bride. Not only does she not want a shower, she’s going to get one that costs more and has more attendees than some weddings!
It is not abnormal for the bridesmaids to split the cost of the shower. It most definitely shouldn’t be assumed, it’s the the host(ess) job to pay for the party. But it’s common and nice for the other bridesmaids to kick in - after they’ve discussed a price and come up with a budget that everyone can work with. But they don’t have to, and it is perfectly ok if they don’t.
But it’s completely screwy to have a 60 person/$700 shower. ($700 for a shower? My gosh, what on earth is she going to do to make it worth Seven Hundred Dollars) And it’s rude to hand the other bridesmaid a bill after you’ve made all the decisions and say “Here, this is your share.”
Thanks. That would take me out of the “heart attack” and into the “really annoyed” zone.
Even so, I can’t remember ever having to kick in more than $50 for a shower (maybe more if we had a combined gift added on). And I’ve never heard of a shower with 60 people!
What really sticks in my craw is the thought that the bride said she didn’t want a shower. To me, that means “no shower.” And the poor thing is going to get this giant 60 person affair!
It’s still quite a bit when you account it like that. If Mathra is paying a share as well and there are at least 2 bridesmaids… that’s just over a grand.
Out of curiousity how many bridesmaids are there? And do you know if she’s presented a bill to all of them?
If this shower is hitting a couple grand I’d be going WTF especially with the bride not wanting one. That’s enough to pay for a nice small wedding on it’s own!
Personally I’d write a check out for $50 along with a note that said I’d be happy to bring some beanie weanies as an appetizer, but $350 is simply not within your budget, thankyouverymuch.
If the bride to be really doesn’t want a shower, she needs to put a stop to this shit ASAP. My step-Mom used every trick in the book to try to get my wife to agree to let her host a shower. No dice.
Miss I’m-going-to-host-a-shower-whether-you-want-one-or-not is the selfish bitch here. It’s all about the bride to be, not her.