Yikes, I’m currently planning a shower that is going to work out to be about $350 per co-hostess, the four hostesses all being members of the bridal party.
This includes: catered luncheon for 25 guests, group gift from the bridesmaids to the bride (gift certificate for spa day before the wedding, if anyone cares), favors for guests, invitations, flowers, and decorations.
I think, or at the very least I hope, that the difference here is that all four bridesmaids sat down to plan the shower and figured out what we wanted to/were able to spend on the shower in advance, and planned accordingly.
Also key is the fact that THE BRIDE WANTS A SHOWER.
That still seems kinda high. A large part of my job is event planning and I could host a nice event for 25 people for well under $1,400. But then again, I mostly plan fundraisers, so I’m looking to save money and often get items donated which I realize would most likely not be the case with a shower.
For example, I’m planning a fundraiser to take place in a couple of weeks. It’s a really nice awards luncheon for 30 and I don’t anticipate the bill getting too close to a grand, that’s including invitations.
But as you mentioned, the fact that you all planned it together thus everyone having a say in how much money was being spent makes it an entirely different situation for the OP.
I still hope you can understand how most of us are taken aback if not outright shocked at the prospect of a bridal shower costing anywhere near a grand. It’s not too common a thing, AFAIK.
That is a key fact delphica. And you went and planned with everyone else. That’s a big difference from planning against the bride’s wishes and then just handing a bill to the others.
Some people do spend that much on parties, it’s just kind of jarring to me who’s a chip and dip kinda gal. Don’t anyone ask me to plan a shower, I’d probably do a potluck, provide snacks and drinks and a few games (well unless you want something like that).
I’m feeling a bit embarassed that I’ve never thought of bridal showers as anything more than just that. I’ve been to a few and that’s exactly what they’ve been. Baby showers as well.
I think that’s generally the norm, unless the bride is a high society type (which there’s nothing wrong with).
Now I’m curious as to what the standard is for a bridal shower, how ritzy it’s supposed to be!
lezlers, I wouldn’t know what the ‘average’ bridal shower is like as I’ve never been to one and the last wedding I was at I was 6 and oh so proud of my black Barbie dress shoes with the pink bows.
As to how rizty it’s supposed to be, that depends on the person.
I know that if I get married in the future and IF I even have a bridal shower (my imaginary wedding doesn’t seem to take that into account) I would feel so out of place with ritzy. A few good friends, a good meal, a bit of drinking and maybe a present of some sexy underthings or a manicure and pedicure and lots of teasing about the wedding night that’s what I want.
Others would love ritzy. The shower IMHO is having a good time with your friends and enjoying the last bit of unmarried life before doing one of the most insane things you can do in this day and age lol.
Well, it is possible that the bride would be touched by everyone throwing a shower for her even though she said she didn’t want one, because she genuinely felt it would be a waste.
But if I was in that situation, and had to choose between…
(1) Throwing a party with some cheap but well-thought out gifts so the bride can have a fun time, but doesn’t end up with 50 toasters and a lot guests miffed they payed $$$$ for this ****.
(2) Vice-versa
That’s what the bridal shower given for me a few weeks ago by my maid of honor was (just a few friends in a hotel room in NYC - that I can handle). She got food from Au Bon Pan, we played some fun games, and we just shot the shit for four hours. It was a blast.
The shower given by my sister-in-law will be appetizer-ish foods, games, and gift opening. Nothing fancy, and held in her living room. I don’t expect the expenses to be over $150.
I’ve only heard of ritzy showers in the Northeast - those are usually catered affairs or held at an expensive restaurant.
Unfortunately, everyone involved knows that it simply isn’t true. As they see it, jeevwoman snagged herself a corporate lawyer type, so she should be more than able to front the expense.
The amount of money is only partially the issue. I mean, it’s a lot of money, yes, but it’s not like we’ll be lining up at the soup kitchen if we have to pay it. What galls me is the expectation that we will gladly pay it. If you’re talking $50, that’s probably not unreasonable, but at $350, it’s not at all. And when you factor in that the bride didn’t want a shower, I feel even less thrilled about paying for it.
I was wondering the same thing, especially after what Flutterby said. How many other bridesmaids are there, and have they all basically been presented with invoices? I imagine some of them would have a harder time coughing up $350 than you guys would.
There are 4 of us in the wedding, so the shower is $1400 total. Maid of Honor *sort * of checked with us: here is what I was thinking, this is where it will be, etc. But she never asked us about a budget and certainly didn’t mention the amount of invitations. I live 750 miles away so it is not like I could offer many alternatives for venue.
About that. She did just respond to my question of how many people and she said the list came from my friend, and then future MIL added on to it. So I am a bit confused by bride, except that now I am thinking she provided the list to shut her sister up.
The bride was orphaned at 16, so I think her sister wants to give her something to make up for their parents not being there. And maybe bride really does want a shower and it is a dramactic play, but she told me clearly that she didn’t want one.
I debated a lot initially about being in the wedding, but how could I say no and not feel awful about it? Bride told me it would be low maintenance (I can wear whatever shoes, no need for particular jewelry, the dress is sort of maybe reusable). And how can I say screw you to the sister? That would just a.) make me the bitch and b.) screw over the rest of the bridesmaids, whom I have never even met.
I’m a little confused here. If the bride is against the shower idea (and I mean she truly does NOT want a shower, not that she just isn’t particularly enthused about the idea), why isn’t she telling her sister? Why tell you and then expect you to pass it along? Why would she then provide her sister with a guest list? And why wouldn’t she at least have the decency to tell you that she had changed her mind?
There seems to be a dearth of communication here, and not just from Sis. I’d be speaking to the bride to figure out what’s going on, and then take it from there.
Oh, and jeevmon, “it’s not in the budget right now” doesn’t necessarily mean you don’t have the money. It can also mean that it’s more than you were planning to spend (which is very true), or that it’s more than you’re willing to spend (which I get the feeling is sort of true, especially when combined with all the other associated expenses.)
Well, I think it is a bit confusing, too. She did tell her sister that she didn’t want one and sister said “you are being selfish” and I think at this point Bride felt guilted into it. I don’t know why she didn’t tell me. I didn’t bring it up with her because I thought it was supposed to be a surprise (I went back and forth on it) but now that I know she knows, I am going to ask. I do think it’s that her sister made her feel bad about it and so she gave in.
This kind of crap is why we’re seriously considering eloping. There’s FAR too much emphasis on THE BIG EVENT and not enough on what comes after, i.e. the rest of your lives, hello!
I don’t need or want a $900 dress I’m going to wear once or a $1600 engagement ring I’d be afraid I’d break or lose, or to pay $400 for pink organza-wrapped wedding favors that’ll end up in the trash 10 seconds after the party’s over, or hire an $800 DJ to play “YMCA” even though we told him not to or a $1200 videographer to catch Uncle George drunkenly hitting on one of the 15 bridesmaids (who each paid $300 for their own dresses) etc. I’d rather put that money toward a house, furniture, food, clothing, things I’m going to USE. I’d be mortified if someone threw me a $1400 bridal shower.
Fortunately he feels the same way.
[hijack territory] What’s holding us back from possibly walking in front of a justice of the peace next week is that neither of us really wants to leave our families out of the celebration. They all approve of us just fine, so OK, we’ll have a small wedding with our parents and siblings as a party. Between us, we have 4 parents, 7 siblings, and his and my brothers-in-law, and his 3 nieces and my nephew. And he’s close-knit to his uncles and 4 cousins who all live in the area, so it’d be odd not to invite them and their families as well. And I have a few cousins scattered around the state. And of course, my grandparents in New Jersey would be highly insulted if they weren’t invited, and his sister and family would be coming in from Connecticut, so we couldn’t beg distance as an excuse for them not to come. And we couldn’t invite his cousins here without inviting his other cousin who lives in Chicago, and her family. And if his cousin from Chicago is coming, why would we leave out mine who live in Boston and Atlanta, and their families, and at this point our friends would be saying “A small wedding? Buh? Wha-Hmm?” and so on and so forth. :rolleyes:
So, we likely WILL have a wedding; we’re just looking for ways to do it inexpensively. [/hijack]
A) Feed 90+ people two meals (one catered, one sandwiches, plus snacks and soft and hard drinks)
B) Have a band/entertainment in
C) Have a cleaning crew in before and after
For less than $1500. Where she’s getting those costs is beyond me.
:o So now I’m feeling a bit embarassed that my post seemed like I was advocating a high ticket type shower event for everyone. I have defintely also given and attended plenty of the chips and dip types, and enjoyed them very much. I don’t think there’s any standard to how ritzy they are supposed to be – as it turns out, this shower will look less ritzy here in NYC than it would if we spent less money having it upstate where the bride and I are originally from – the $$ just goes farther outside of the city.
I think my point (as best I can remember) is that while it is certainly possible to spend that much, it’s only appropriate to do so if that is what all of the hostesses want to do, and it meshes with what the bride enjoys.
Well, this is in the northern NJ area, which is one of the more expensive parts of the US. And it does include the $100 present we are getting her.
I see now that it looks like I am defending her, which I’m not. I just don’t want anyone to think she is trying to scam us. I do believe that she is telling me the truth about the prices. (I think it is just a meal, no booze, no band and a few stupid decorations.) If I do the math, it comes to about $20 a person; my argument is just that it is too many freaking people, especially since it is a shower that is not wanted.
Ahhh, maybe stuff like this is one reason why my future sister-in-law is having my 10-year-old half-sister as Maid of Honor (no, not flower girl.) Would make sense if she doesnt want any of this (although to be honest, I don’t think there will be much of anyone there to help them with the wedding events in a planning capacity, since I am best man, and both of us are remote from their state… ) but that’s material for another thread.
Not to brag, but I snagged myself a nice catch, too. $1500 showers aren’t in our budget.
[rant] I’m sorry but weddings and showers (not to mention bat mitzvahs and proms, etc) have gotten entirely out of hand lately. It’s so bad that my cousin’s school sent a note home a few weeks ago telling parents that the spring dance was meant to be a “nice time, not a source of stress for parents trying to outdo each other” and to please refrain from renting limousines for the kids. These kids were in 7th and 8th grade. [/end of rant]
Sorry, but this whole situation gripes my ass. I’d just as soon write the bride a check for $350 than to succumb to the notion that you have to spend a fortune in order to be classy.
) but that’s material for another thread.