So, Bob’s your uncle?
:::::d&r::::::
A 6-year-old neighbor child that I occasionally watch said to his mom in front of me, “I know that babies grow inside the mother’s tummy, but how do they get out?” His mother told him that babies popped out of the woman’s stomach like a big zit. I was so horrified by this that the next day I gave the poor kid an age-appropriate version of the true facts of life.
My son wanted to know where he was before he was in my tummy so my husband told him he was in his heart. Of course he took this literally and thinks he will have a fat heart after he gets married but before his wife has a baby. He’s thought this for like 3 years and it’s so cute I refuse to set him straight.
Also, he thinks the official term for the dirt you might find on the floor is “crap”. He thinks this because, when he was 2, I refused to give him his binky back when he dropped it because it had “crap” on it. He’s six now, but if he gets a dog hair in his mouth or crumbs on his pants, he bitches about crap in such a way that you just know he thinks that’s the real word.
It is a standard camera tripod. It doesn’t currently have any camera attached, but KellyM uses it every so often so it is not put up where we can’t find it. Hubby has a tendency to put it where it gets bumped and stand it up without pulling to legs out so it falls over easily.
I used to tell my younger brother that when it sprinkled it was really bugs peeing on you. He’d run into the house and start scrubbing up every time.
He says that he still feels like he needs a shower anytime he feels it sprinkle.
You showed him Alien? Couldn’t resist 
A work colleague of mine has told his children that the music coming from an ice cream van means, oh dear, it’s run out of ice cream.
Feel free to borrow this one if the need arises.
When my brother and sister were about ten and eight, I found a television programme showing underwater footage of weird and wonderful creatures on the sandy floor of the ocean. The water was so clear you’d never have known it was there except for all the, y’know, sea creatures. So I told them it was footage of the animals that live on the moon.
“But there’s nothing alive on the moon!”
“Of course there is,” I said with a withering glance, “It only comes out at night, duh…”
It lasted till I tried to convince my sister that our brother was from Venus.
Also I usually tell my daughter (2) that we got her at the zoo and she’s some kind of monkey, and she’s going back there if she’s naughty. I always let her argue her way out of it though - it doesn’t take her long to find something she doesn’t have in common with monkeys. Although the day I showed her some orangutans (ie. no tails), she went quiet for a while. I think I’ll tell her she’s an ape next.
I told my younger daughter that if she didn’t clean up her room, the capybaras would come and live under her bed. (I had just read an article about these creatures, had not previously heard of them, so that word was just in my mind.)
She asked, of course, what a capybara is, and I told her it’s like a mouse except really, really, big, like a hundred pounds. I figured she’d guess I was making up a story, but she told me many years later that she believed me. However, she still didn’t clean up her room.
I follow in the footsteps of my father and gerndfather, tell the little ones whatever you can get away with.
My grandfather told me and my sister that worms taste good and then pretended to eat it. I was sceptical, but my sister ate one, and then told grandpa that he lied, they don’t taste good.
my father told us anything and everything, up to the obligatory april fools day message that mom was in the hospital…It only worked once.
The worst I told my kids happenned when they were very little.
We had been shopping and gotten them new crayons and when we got home I was very tired of hearing “can we play with them now?”
so off the top of my head I told them that a big black bird came and took the crayons and told me that he would not give them back until they had had a nap.
this was the only time in their lives that they went to take a nap without a fight. I felt really guilty when they got up and asked if the bird hav brought their crayons back yet.
My mom used to tell me that if I was bad, she would send me to the monkey house at the zoo. This always distressed me because I really wanted to live in the bunny house.
I had a friend in elementary school who told me all kinds of crazy stories, including that there was a serial killer around and we had to catch him by deciphering the patterns on my shirt, and that her brother took one of the pregnancy tests that you pee on and it was positive. :rolleyes:
Not exactly “telling a lie”, but in the same vein: when my oldest was three, she wanted to plant the unpopped kernels from the bottom of a bag of microwave popcorn, to “grow a popcorn tree”. So I let her plant them in the front yard. Every day, after she came home from preschool, I’d remind her to water her “popcorn seeds”. After about a week of daily watering, I waited until she was at school, picked a very small branch off of a tree in our yard, and hot-glued some popcorn to it. When she came home from school that day, she was so excited that her popcorn tree was growing!
I’m a horrible, mean mommy.
My great-grandma told me that if I picked my nose my eyes would fall out. It didn’t stop me. I just closed 'em from then on.
Then he goes off to ask mom if you really have pictures of his delivery. That’s great. 
I like Earthworm Jim!
I told my kids that I found them under a cabbage in the vegetable garden and that at first I thought they were little green cabbage worms until I realized that they were really babies. I also told them I got them from the zoo, the stork, the baby store (there is one nearby- the sign says “Babies R Us”!) , the truth, and various other lies.
Of course, I told them I have an eye on the back of my head (I have a scar there) and that’s why I always know what they are up to.
I also told them they would wake up with a pirate mustache if they lie to me.
My mom told this one to my sister (but not me :mad: ) when she asked why dogs smell other dog’s bottoms-
There once was a big dog convention downtown. All the dogs checked in their tails at the tail check stand before the convention so the wouldn’t get stepped on during the dancing. Later a fire broke out and all the dogs ran out of the building grabbing the first tail they could get ahold of, and many dogs got the wrong tails. That’s why dog tails often don’t appear to match the dog. Now, whenever two dogs meet, the check each others tails to see if each one has the other one’s tail.
A couple more:
Tasty Treat
I was eating strawberry yoghurt (red, lumpy & mmm.mmm good), and one of the kids asked me what it was. “Squirrel-guts pudding”, I replied
Another Tasty Treat
I was grilling up some bratwurst when one of the kids asked me why it was called “bratwurst”. (You see it coming, I’m sure) I told him they take the most misbehaved children they can find & turn 'em into sausages. Then we eat them. Most misbehaved = worst brat = bratwurst, get it? I know, it’s terrible.
Not so much a lie as a semi-idle threat - my boys are flatulent, and proud of it. My daughter is, predictably, horrified by this. I have occasionally threatened: “I’m going to let your brothers sleep in your room!” if she didn’t do something I wanted done.
The kids look like :rolleyes: and :dubious: alot. I look like
Back when I was in high school, I was at my grandmother’s house which, at the time, was filled with a bunch of relatives. Cousin #1 and I decided to mess around with the head of another cousin’s young son (I’m guessing he was maybe 3 or 4 at the time). Cousin #1 put him on the phone while I toodled off to an extension in the other part of the house. I became “Batman” and proceeded to have a conversation with the awed toddler on the other end of the line. When said toddler admitted he didn’t like Batman much, I…er, I mean, Batman…told said toddler that he was none too pleased with the remark and that he might want to sleep with an extra eye open, because just like the aliens on LV-426, Batman mostly comes at night…mostly.
I still remember my cousin trying to figure out why in the hell his kid kept going on and on about how Batman was going to get him. He tried his best to explain Batman’s membership in the Justice League, but his kid was having none of it.
I know, I know, that was horrible…
Most of the lies my parents gave me were pure WTF moments.
In the house where I grew up, there was an unmarked light switch in the garage, next to our washer and dryer and the heater for the unit upstairs. Flipping it didn’t seem to do anything, and I asked them what it was, and they said it was nothing.
So whenever I’d do laundry, I’d flip it idly, since it was far more entertaining than the laundry.
A few months later my parents asked me if I’d flipped the switch, and I said yeah, a few times. Then I got in trouble for turning off the power to the heater for the people upstairs. WTF?
As I said, this describes a lot of my childhood interaction with my parents.
…I’m not still bitter…
As a mother, I feel responsible for telling my daughter the truth, but as an Aunt, not so much.
When I first met my niece and nephew, I took them to McDonalds. He hurt his toe and I asked to see it. He took off his sock and he had snagged his toenail and it was bleeding. His toenails were so long that they were curling over the ends. I frowned and solemnly pulled my big Swiss army knife out of my purse. I said, “I’m afraid I have to take the whole toe off. Hold still.” He snatched his foot back so fast! Oh the look on his face! He completely believed that I was serious. It took a lot of convincing for him to let me trim the nails, but I was able to.
My dad had me absolutely convinced that there were cats in cat food. He had cites and everything! Took me down the canned veggie aisle:
Dad: “See? What’s in this one?”
Me: “Peas”
Dad: “How can you tell?”
Me: “'Cause there’s a picture of peas on it.”
Dad: “How about this one?”
Me: “Corn”
Dad: “Why?”
Me: “'Cause there’s a picture of corn on it.”
Three aisles later, there’s Morris the Cat’s picture on the 9-Lives. I was quite upset.
Thank Og he didn’t take me to the Baby Food aisle!