Bad lies to children

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
61

When The Boy was 7 or so, we watched a scary show that had floating halloween masks chasing a girl – predictably-- through a graveyard. :rolleyes: I noticed the particularly intense look on his face :eek: , so after the show was over I said, “That was pretty scary, huh?” He said it wasn’t, that it was just dumb. (Ahh, bravado.)

About 10 minutes after lights out, he shuffled into the kitchen to get a drink of water. “Still thinking about that movie?” I asked. He swallowed his water and shook his head, but his eyes were big and dark.

And what I wanted to say, what danced on my tongue and tried to pry my lips apart to escape, what I could barely keep from uttering was:

“You know, the scariest thing about those floating masks? You can’t hear 'em coming for you.”

but I didn’t.

Also, I told him one that if he lied, owls would come and puke in his bed. This legend has created the phrase “Whooooo! blergh”, used in our family to accuse someone of untruth.

62

My uncle often pulled the “I’m taking you back to the gypsies” thing. Even went so far as to wrap me up in a blanket and carry me around. Man, I was scared of gypsies. (What was it with people and gypsies? You never hear that anymore.)

I told my sister she was hatched, not born. Why? Because she didn’t have any birthmarks and thus, obviously, wasn’t born.

The Cody convinced his best friend’s little sister that she was an alien because she was born in Roswell.

63

To which they often reply: “But it’s true! So help me Rhonda!”

64

While playing around with one of the kids, he fell over & played dead. I went with it.

Picking him up by one foot, I said “Ohh…he’s dead. I guess we’ll have to flush him down the toilet & get a new one.”

I carried him to the bathroom, at which point he “came back to life” and started trying to get away. I pretended not to notice. He was mighty close the toilet & getting nervous before I let him go.

Now if any of the kids play dead, the others will yell “Flush him down the toilet!!”

65

While in the fresh vegetable section of the grocery store, my son asked me what “organic” meant. I told him it means that all of the soil, fertilizer and plant food that they used was made from organs. Pancreas mostly. He told his mother this and she believed him. I’m sorry, they just make it too easy for me.
I told all the kids that their slightly odd grandfather is actually an alien and if he finds out that they know he’ll most likely eat them.
When we’re driving and see a car that looks the same as ours I tell them that it’s us - our counter beings and if we touch them while we’re both in the same dimension we’ll all explode.

66

I’m reporting you all the Children and Family Services.

Gawd, I loved the one about cat food being made from cats…

67

I told my daughter that Mrs. bup was raised by a family of yaks. She believed me for about two years (ages 3-5). My MIL never thought that was very funny.

68

Whenever I try to impart my wisdom to my children I usually get cut off with a “don’t believe anything your father says” from my wife.

I once had my niece and nephew convinced that a certain old shoe at my mother’s house was magic. They were downstairs watching TV and I was upstairs. I crawled quietly to the top of the stairs with the other TV remote and started turning the TV off and on and changing the channels. They were very confused as to why it was happening. I thought I was being slick but my niece noticed me at the top of the stairs and became suspicious. Thinking quickly, I noticed that she was near this old shoe. I told her it was a magic shoe and every time she touched it, the TV would turn off. She was skeptical at first but after it worked the first few times, they both were happily waving this old, dirty, disgusting sneaker around. I kept this going for months.

69

I guess I come from an unimaginative family, I don’t recall any whoppers from my childhood except the whole Santa Claus / Easter Bunny thing.

I’m carrying on the (non) tradition for the most part. Kids both still sort of believe in the whole North Pole / Tooth Fairy / Easter Bunny franchises.

I did once tell Moon Unit that a couple of animals she saw on TV were “um, they’re playing leap frog”. And I told Dweezil that the “Adult Toy Store” we drove past sold “um, grownup toys like TVs and stereos and VCRs” (in my defense, he was about 6, and I was sooooo not ready to have that discussion with him just then).

My best whopper was related to how I’ll periodically pretend-gnaw on the kids, a game they both love. I’ll sometimes announce that I’m so hungry I could eat one of them. Then one day I finally told Dweezil “Well, what do you think happened to your older brother?!?!”. He insisted he never had an older brother but I could tell he wasn’t 100% sure :smiley:

70

Ha ha- my mom also told my sister that the “Lounge” they drove past frequently was full of, well, lounge chairs. I am suspicious that my mom went in there to lounge around while my sis waited in the car outside. I’ll have to call and check on that.

71

My grandfather told me that if I unscrewed my bellybutton my butt would fall off. I believed that for the longest time (hey, I was only four!).

When my son was little, I had him convinced there was a big green hand that lived in the wall; it would come out and steal his toys if they weren’t put away. He tried to pull the same story on his baby sister, but she learned at a very early age not to listen to Bubby. One of her first complete sentences was, “Bubby fulla poop!”

72

My folks told me that when Tonto said, “Kemo Sabe,” it meant “Stinky Feet.”

They also told me that capers were rooster balls.

I asked my dad as a young one why the cars in the left lane all went faster than the ones in the right. He said that the left lane was longer than the right so those cars had to go faster to get to the same place in the same time.

When I was in grad school, all my relatives were over for thanks giving including a bunch of little cousins and 2nd cousins. Our little Bichon had died since their last visit, so when they asked to play with him my mom took them into the kitchen and showed them the roast waiting to go in the oven. She got ridicule and laughs from the rest of the family.

My mom was a major country bumpkin from rural Alabama who moved to the DC area. When she was dating my dad he and their mutual coworkers would have some fun with her. Partway up the Washington Monument, it changes color to a whiter stone which marks a past halt in construction. Dad had her believing that it was the high water mark from Hurricane Camille. The first time they were driving down embassy row, dad had her looking for the North Carolina Embassy.

73

Three things:

While the two young Spiffers were younger, I purposefully mispronounced two words every time in their presence:

1.) Africa: Uh - FRICK - a.

  1. Fragile: Fruh - JILL - ee. (This came from a Marx Brothers routine, I think.)

Also, I told my daughter (now 7) of that old Aussie ruse about the “Drop Bears” that live in every tree in Australia that drop down and devour you.

So … they come back from school very so often saying “Dad, you’re so full of nonsense!” – because, of course, they had used their Dad’s “wisdom” in class and had been gently (I hope) corrected.

I keeps 'em on their toes, I does!

74

mrs. jose has this 18" or so snowman that holds a sign saying “welcome” as she set up this year’s christmas stuff, she put the little fella on the landing just inside the front door. our collegeaged daughter, when she’s home, usually comes in the house after we’re asleep, and we keep just some minimal lighting on so she doesn’t trip and fall somewhere (clumsy child).

this particular night, around 1 am, i hear the back door. i hear “hi dad i’m home” (so nice of her to wake me up so i don’t lose sleep over her being out late). i hear footsteps, then i hear a scream, followed by “holy crap, what is this ^^%$$#$&^ thing?!?!, crap, it looks like chucky standing here!, it scared the crap out of me!” (she likes the word)

well, you can guess the rest. for the rest of her stay at home before returning to school, “chucky” showed up EVERYWHERE, and almost always when she was coming home late, in the dark.

chucky was sitting on the bicycle in the garage, so when she pulled the car in, he was in her headlights. chucky was in the passenger seat of MY car in the garage, so when she parked, she’d see him. chucky was under her covers waiting for her to come to bed one night. chucky waited in the shower for her. chucky stayed up late one night standing on the living room floor watching cheap pseudo-porn on cinemax. on christmas day, chucky was under the tree holding…the chucky boxed set of dvd’s. chucky sat on the back porch, waiting for her to go to work at 6 am. chucky was in the dryer waiting for her to put her wash in. chucky tried on some of her clothes one night and was found lying on her floor drunk, in full cross dressing mode, dead soldiers by his side.

as i write this, chucky’s head is in a box, being prepared to be mailed to her at school.

his other parts will be coming through the semester in other “care packages”

i say what’s the fun of having kids if you can’t scare them to death?

75

Quoth Ross:

Um, you do know that that one’s true, don’t you? When my mom told me that one, she accompianied it with a talk about evolution, and how humans were in the same category as gorrilas, chimps, and ourangutangs. Mom was always straightforward with us, and I learned fairly quickly to just completely ignore my dad, so it didn’t matter to much.

76

When my son started losing his teeth, I told him that every hole that he didn’t stick his tongue in would grow a gold tooth, if he stuck his tongue in it, it would just grow a regular tooth.

I also told him that water runs uphill at night, but I don’t remember why.

77

When my stepson was young, my wife and I told him the usual tales. Like most kids, he swallowed it all hook, line and sinker.

Fast-forward a couple of years. He’s now in kindergarten and he’s now my son, my having adopted him a year earlier. Many of the kids in his class were telling gleeful tales of new brothers and sisters either just arrived or on their way. Of course, he wanted to know when WE were going to be welcoming a new baby sister for him.

I finally figured I could shut him up for a while by telling him that he had a sister and she was on the way. Of course, he wanted to know all the details – where she was, when she’d arrive, etc., yadda, yadda. I told him that she was really really tiny and stayed in the closet until she was big enough to be a baby. As I said this, I was casually tossing my shoes in the closet and quickly closing the door so he couldn’t have a peek. (The astute reader can probably see where this is going.) Of course, my son goes to school the next day and tells the whole class that he has a baby sister at home and we keep her in the closet and throw shoes at her.

We lived on a military base at the time. I arrive home to find:

2 Air Force Security Policemen
2 Abilene, TX City Police Officers
1 Taylor County Sheriff’s Deputy
3 Air Force Office of Special Investigations Agents
1 Mental Health/Family Advocaty Officer
1 Social Worker from the civilian family services office (Extremely annoying and controlling type)
1 Extremely Harried Wife
1 Very Upset First Sergeant
1 Furious Commanding Officer (aka, The Old Man)
1 5 Year Old Son, fascinated with all the commotion and attention.

Into the cacaphony of accusations and confusion strolls our saviour – the boss of the Extremely Annoying Social Worker. Recently promoted, she was the social worker that vetted our home when I adopted my son. She remembered us, and our son’s “rich, fertile imagination” as well as her opinion that we were fit parents and maintained a safe, loving home for our son.

Although the whole incident was explained away to everyone’s satisfaction, I’m convinced to this day that I missed out on an accelerated promotion because the “Old Man” associated my name with the “disturbance” in family housing a few weeks earlier.

78

I love the chucky story!

My daughter occasionally asks me to check in the closet to make sure there are no monsters. I have been very, very good so far, but it takes an enormous effort not to open the door, scream, and pretend to be yanked in.

79

When I was about five years old, my parents took my sister and my brother and me to a huge Pier 1 outlet store. There were these ENORMOUS baskets (enormous to a five year old) and my sister and I wanted to climb in and play inside them. So our dad told us that if we did, the store workers would slam the lids on us and ship us to China and we would have to live in China forever. We FREAKED. Then we saw our little brother trying to touch one and I remember screaming “No! They’ll ship you to China! Don’t touch it! You’ll go to China!!!”

80

My cousins told their much younger sister that their parents didn’t really want her and were poisoning her with her toothpaste.