I’m writing a story that has to do with a (made-up) romance novel that is so bad, everyone on Earth who reads it recognizes that it’s one of the worst novels ever.
We’re talking the worst of the worst Harlequin bodice-ripper type romance.
I’ll need to write some “excerpts” from this novel, and I have no idea how to go around it. I’ve never read in this genre before.
Where could I find a guide to writing bad fiction?
Well, having read probably thousands of ‘bodice rippers’ over the last 10 years I’d have to say that the worst ones have absolutely no plot at all*. It’s more like a string of short pornographic stories held together by mere threads. They also include lots of euphamisms like ‘love tunnel’, ‘man juices’, ‘rod’…
In fact I am reading a pretty bad one right now, I can put up an exerpt or two when I get home for reference.
[sub]*Not to say that even if they have a plot they can’t be bad. Or that lots of sex ruins them. It really depends on the author, but my favourite ones don’t center solely on the sex.[/sub]
I’d love to see some examples! Although, I’m not sure it would be kosher to post lengthy ones here.
Make sure the herione’s breasts, which should be damp with perspiration, heave passionately.
“My two favourite things,” he said, “are commitment and changing myself.”
Okay, I stole that from Futurama,
When bad, these books mention **breasts ** and **thighs ** so often, you start craving KFC.
OMG GOD. For the ultimate example of bad romance fiction, check out the Earth’s Children series by Jean M Auel. That’s Clan of the Cavebear and all the subsequent books- it starts getting bad toward the end of book 2, and it gets progressively worse.
We’re talking throbbing members, organs, her sex, her womanhood, his manhood, plunging into her warm folds, exploring her beautiful flower of pink petals- you name it. Oh, the freaking HORROR!!!
Every year the All About Romance website conducts a Purple Prose Parody. It’s quite hilarious. Link to the various years’ winners from this page.
Sample:
“He groaned aloud as he felt himself swell to a state of turgid tumescence he had never experienced before in all his many years as a libertine and profligate debaucher. But before he could question his response, the buttons on the overstretched seams began to pop one by one, firing into the shadows like small bullets of desire, each ‘ping’ causing Bliss’s pulse to race a beat faster.”
(That’s from the 1997 entry by romance author Marsha Canham.)
Wow, I never would have guessed! I’ve always assumed those books were just pedantic anthropologist-porn.
Glassy, that’s just the sort of thing I was looking for! Thanks!
Oh no, not lengthy ones at all. I just grabbed the book. Juts a couple of paragraphs to see… if you really want to read the whole book I can tell you the title 
and a little later
I could go on, but I suspect you get the idea.
When I saw this thread title, my first thought was “Oh, I hope Zette sees this thread, she should mention the Earth’s Children books.”
Hee.
I was the one who pointed her to it, as I thought the same thing!
And I second it, those “Earth’s Children” books are horrendous. The first one doesn’t have a lot of romance, but it’s still bad writing.
Ah, well see, that’s where you’ve gone wrong. If you want to write about bodice rippers, you’re going to need to bite the bullet and read some actual bodice rippers. There’s no way around it.
I don’t know much about the genre myself, but it should be possible to obtain older romance novels for next to nothing. Fans apparently go through them in bulk and would prefer reading new ones to re-reading old ones, so it’s easy to get them used. I’ve seen them at library book sales priced by the bag. Some secondhand bookstores and thrift shops get so many they’ll actually give them away.
I’m willing, Lamia, but what are some authors/titles to look for?
Is Barbara Cartland as bad as I expect, or is she well-regarded?
that’s frickin hilarious. How is there a market for this dreck?
Having said that I actually like Earth’s Children (sans the tedious sex scenes) so I guess there’s always someone that will read anything.
My WAG would be that an obscure writer of romance novels will be even worse than a famous one like Cartland. I believe a lot of romance novels are published in “lines” according to theme or setting, and even the fans don’t pay a lot of mind to who actually wrote them.
My advice would be to just fish a couple of used books out of the bin and flip through looking for the smutty parts.
Alternately, it looks like the Harlequin website has excerpts online along…although I’d bet that they don’t make the purplest bits available for free.
We really need a throwing up smiley at this point.
No sex scenes in Barbara Cartland, so she may be a little chaste for you.
Amanda Quick is pretty bad. Ditto Linda Lyles Miller (I think that’s her name).
Then there was one, I think it was by Virginia Henley, called Desired. The plot COULD have been interesting, actually since it centered around a friend of Edward the Black Prince, and his wife to be, Joan of Kent. Only it was so full of ridiculous sex inuendos, I couldn’t stop giggling long enough to get through it.
The only reason I’m still reading this is for entertainment value.
It’s freaking hilarious!
Well the one I am quoting from has a decent draw to it, it caught my eye at the bookstore and when I saw the library had it I figured I might like it. I don’t know how many people might actually like the books as opposed to humour factor, but if the draw is good enough even if they don’t read it the money is in the pokcet of publishers and authors. That’s why I hardly buy new books unless I like the author/series or have gotten the book out so many times from the library, it’s like I have my own copy already. Sometimes though the library doesn’t have a book I want, if that’s the case I often hem and haw for months before I buy it (or, luckily, stumble across it in the paperbacks)
As for authors: Yeah some people do prefer to read authors, others are series (some Authors write solely in certain series’) Some of the halfway decent* authors that I read are Catherine Feehan, Sherrilyn Kenyon and Nora Roberts. Actually the last two I am really stuck on, but Nora’s I find vary in how good they are. Sherrilyn is more consistent and she’s got plans with how this series/world is going to go and all the books mingle together, so you might read one story and see the main characters in another book, learn more about them and whatever.
Offhand I can think of one who my Mom collects the books of, that’s Betty Neels and she reads them over and over again.
[sub]*My idea of halfway decent is something that I enjoy, is fascinating and something that I would be willing to read again. Sherrilyn and certain Nora books fall into read again category, Catherine less so but she has enjoyment and fascinating (to me at least) going for her.[/sub]