1.“They are not the hell your whales.”
2. (in answer to Kirk saying “Spock, where the hell’s the power you promised?”) “One damn minute, Admiral.”
3. To Quinto-Spock: “Since my customary farewell would appear oddly self-serving, I shall simply say ‘Good luck’.”
4. “1,771,561. That’s assuming one tribble, multiplying with an average litter of 10, producing a new generation every 12 hours over a period of three days.”
5. “Sir, there is a multi-legged creature crawling on your shoulder.”
6. “Your use of language has altered since our arrival. It is currently laced with, shall we say, more colorful metaphors: ‘Double dumbass on you!’ and so forth.”
7. “Stonn, she is yours. After a time, you may find that having is not so pleasing a thing after all as wanting. It is not logical, but it is often true.”
8. “I am endeavoring, ma’am, to construct a mnemonic memory circuit using stone knives and bearskins.”
9. “Insufficient facts always invite danger.”
10. “There is no fact, extrapolation of fact, or theory, which would allow you to be he.”
11. The whole Spock doll dream sequence on The Big Bang Theory
12. [Told by Sela that she will kill everybody if they do not cooperate] “Since it is logical to assume you will kill us all in any event, I choose not to cooperate.”
13. “I do not approve; I understand.”
Mitch Hedberg: “An escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry For The Convenience.”
Mitch Hedberg: “An escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry For The Convenience.”
Stephen Wright: I went to a restaurant with a sign saying OPEN 24 HOURS. They were closed. I told them “The sign says OPEN 24 HOURS.” They said “Not in a ROW.”
Mitch Hedberg: “An escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry For The Convenience.”
Stephen Wright: I went to a restaurant with a sign saying OPEN 24 HOURS. They were closed. I told them “The sign says OPEN 24 HOURS.” They said “Not in a ROW.”
Sam Kinnison: “Get your gear, get your shit. We’re gonna make one trip. We’re gonna take you to where the FOOD is!”
Mitch Hedberg: “An escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry For The Convenience.”
Stephen Wright: I went to a restaurant with a sign saying OPEN 24 HOURS. They were closed. I told them “The sign says OPEN 24 HOURS.” They said “Not in a ROW.”
Sam Kinnison: “Get your gear, get your shit. We’re gonna make one trip. We’re gonna take you to where the FOOD is!”
Stephen Wright: “The candle factory burned down. A bunch of us stood around and watched, and started to sing: ‘Happy birthday to you…’”
Mitch Hedberg: “An escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry For The Convenience.”
Stephen Wright: I went to a restaurant with a sign saying OPEN 24 HOURS. They were closed. I told them “The sign says OPEN 24 HOURS.” They said “Not in a ROW.”
Sam Kinnison: “Get your gear, get your shit. We’re gonna make one trip. We’re gonna take you to where the FOOD is!”
Stephen Wright: “The candle factory burned down. A bunch of us stood around and watched, and started to sing: ‘Happy birthday to you…’”
Jim Gaffigan: Now there are vegetarian Hot Pockets for those of us who don’t eat meat but would still like to have explosive diarrhea.
Mitch Hedberg: “An escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry For The Convenience.”
Stephen Wright: I went to a restaurant with a sign saying OPEN 24 HOURS. They were closed. I told them “The sign says OPEN 24 HOURS.” They said “Not in a ROW.”
Sam Kinnison: “Get your gear, get your shit. We’re gonna make one trip. We’re gonna take you to where the FOOD is!”
Stephen Wright: “The candle factory burned down. A bunch of us stood around and watched, and started to sing: ‘Happy birthday to you…’”
Jim Gaffigan: Now there are vegetarian Hot Pockets for those of us who don’t eat meat but would still like to have explosive diarrhea.
Steve Martin: Here’s a magic trick for those of you all the way in the back in Row ZZZ99–the Vanishing Dime Trick.
Mitch Hedberg: “An escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry For The Convenience.”
Stephen Wright: I went to a restaurant with a sign saying OPEN 24 HOURS. They were closed. I told them “The sign says OPEN 24 HOURS.” They said “Not in a ROW.”
Sam Kinnison: “Get your gear, get your shit. We’re gonna make one trip. We’re gonna take you to where the FOOD is!”
Stephen Wright: “The candle factory burned down. A bunch of us stood around and watched, and started to sing: ‘Happy birthday to you…’”
Jim Gaffigan: Now there are vegetarian Hot Pockets for those of us who don’t eat meat but would still like to have explosive diarrhea.
Steve Martin: Here’s a magic trick for those of you all the way in the back in Row ZZZ99–the Vanishing Dime Trick.
George Carlin: Religion has actually convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky, who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and BURN and CHOKE and SCREAM and CRY forever and ever 'til the end of time! But He loves you. He loves you, and He NEEDS MONEY! He always needs money! He’s all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise – somehow just can’t handle money!
Mitch Hedberg: “An escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry For The Convenience.”
Stephen Wright: I went to a restaurant with a sign saying OPEN 24 HOURS. They were closed. I told them “The sign says OPEN 24 HOURS.” They said “Not in a ROW.”
Sam Kinnison: “Get your gear, get your shit. We’re gonna make one trip. We’re gonna take you to where the FOOD is!”
Stephen Wright: “The candle factory burned down. A bunch of us stood around and watched, and started to sing: ‘Happy birthday to you…’”
Jim Gaffigan: Now there are vegetarian Hot Pockets for those of us who don’t eat meat but would still like to have explosive diarrhea.
Steve Martin: Here’s a magic trick for those of you all the way in the back in Row ZZZ99–the Vanishing Dime Trick.
George Carlin: Religion has actually convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky, who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and BURN and CHOKE and SCREAM and CRY forever and ever 'til the end of time! But He loves you. He loves you, and He NEEDS MONEY! He always needs money! He’s all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise – somehow just can’t handle money!
Emo Philips: I used to pray for a bicycle every night when I was little. Then I realized God doesn’t work like that. So I stole a bicycle and asked Him to forgive me.
Mitch Hedberg: “An escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry For The Convenience.”
Stephen Wright: I went to a restaurant with a sign saying OPEN 24 HOURS. They were closed. I told them “The sign says OPEN 24 HOURS.” They said “Not in a ROW.”
Sam Kinnison: “Get your gear, get your shit. We’re gonna make one trip. We’re gonna take you to where the FOOD is!”
Stephen Wright: “The candle factory burned down. A bunch of us stood around and watched, and started to sing: ‘Happy birthday to you…’”
Jim Gaffigan: Now there are vegetarian Hot Pockets for those of us who don’t eat meat but would still like to have explosive diarrhea.
Steve Martin: Here’s a magic trick for those of you all the way in the back in Row ZZZ99–the Vanishing Dime Trick.
George Carlin: Religion has actually convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky, who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and BURN and CHOKE and SCREAM and CRY forever and ever 'til the end of time! But He loves you. He loves you, and He NEEDS MONEY! He always needs money! He’s all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise – somehow just can’t handle money!
Emo Philips: I used to pray for a bicycle every night when I was little. Then I realized God doesn’t work like that. So I stole a bicycle and asked Him to forgive me.
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographer’s fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that’s extra scary to me. There’s a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run, he’s fuzzy, get out of here!
Mitch Hedberg: “An escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry For The Convenience.”
Stephen Wright: I went to a restaurant with a sign saying OPEN 24 HOURS. They were closed. I told them “The sign says OPEN 24 HOURS.” They said “Not in a ROW.”
Sam Kinnison: “Get your gear, get your shit. We’re gonna make one trip. We’re gonna take you to where the FOOD is!”
Stephen Wright: “The candle factory burned down. A bunch of us stood around and watched, and started to sing: ‘Happy birthday to you…’”
Jim Gaffigan: Now there are vegetarian Hot Pockets for those of us who don’t eat meat but would still like to have explosive diarrhea.
Steve Martin: Here’s a magic trick for those of you all the way in the back in Row ZZZ99–the Vanishing Dime Trick.
George Carlin: Religion has actually convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky, who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and BURN and CHOKE and SCREAM and CRY forever and ever 'til the end of time! But He loves you. He loves you, and He NEEDS MONEY! He always needs money! He’s all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise – somehow just can’t handle money!
Emo Philips: I used to pray for a bicycle every night when I was little. Then I realized God doesn’t work like that. So I stole a bicycle and asked Him to forgive me.
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographer’s fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that’s extra scary to me. There’s a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run, he’s fuzzy, get out of here!
Steven Wright: “I got a new digital camera. It’s really advanced; you don’t even need it.”
Mitch Hedberg: “An escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry For The Convenience.”
Stephen Wright: I went to a restaurant with a sign saying OPEN 24 HOURS. They were closed. I told them “The sign says OPEN 24 HOURS.” They said “Not in a ROW.”
Sam Kinnison: “Get your gear, get your shit. We’re gonna make one trip. We’re gonna take you to where the FOOD is!”
Stephen Wright: “The candle factory burned down. A bunch of us stood around and watched, and started to sing: ‘Happy birthday to you…’”
Jim Gaffigan: Now there are vegetarian Hot Pockets for those of us who don’t eat meat but would still like to have explosive diarrhea.
Steve Martin: Here’s a magic trick for those of you all the way in the back in Row ZZZ99–the Vanishing Dime Trick.
George Carlin: Religion has actually convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky, who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and BURN and CHOKE and SCREAM and CRY forever and ever 'til the end of time! But He loves you. He loves you, and He NEEDS MONEY! He always needs money! He’s all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise – somehow just can’t handle money!
Emo Philips: I used to pray for a bicycle every night when I was little. Then I realized God doesn’t work like that. So I stole a bicycle and asked Him to forgive me.
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographer’s fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that’s extra scary to me. There’s a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run, he’s fuzzy, get out of here!
Steven Wright: “I got a new digital camera. It’s really advanced; you don’t even need it.”
Richard Pryor: “The police asked me where I was between four and six. I told him ‘Kindergarten, motherfucker.’”
Mitch Hedberg: “An escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry For The Convenience.”
Stephen Wright: I went to a restaurant with a sign saying OPEN 24 HOURS. They were closed. I told them “The sign says OPEN 24 HOURS.” They said “Not in a ROW.”
Sam Kinnison: “Get your gear, get your shit. We’re gonna make one trip. We’re gonna take you to where the FOOD is!”
Stephen Wright: “The candle factory burned down. A bunch of us stood around and watched, and started to sing: ‘Happy birthday to you…’”
Jim Gaffigan: Now there are vegetarian Hot Pockets for those of us who don’t eat meat but would still like to have explosive diarrhea.
Steve Martin: Here’s a magic trick for those of you all the way in the back in Row ZZZ99–the Vanishing Dime Trick.
George Carlin: Religion has actually convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky, who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and BURN and CHOKE and SCREAM and CRY forever and ever 'til the end of time! But He loves you. He loves you, and He NEEDS MONEY! He always needs money! He’s all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise – somehow just can’t handle money!
Emo Philips: I used to pray for a bicycle every night when I was little. Then I realized God doesn’t work like that. So I stole a bicycle and asked Him to forgive me.
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographer’s fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that’s extra scary to me. There’s a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run, he’s fuzzy, get out of here!
Steven Wright: “I got a new digital camera. It’s really advanced; you don’t even need it.”
Richard Pryor: “The police asked me where I was between four and six. I told him ‘Kindergarten, motherfucker.’”
Bill Cosby: “I said to a guy, ‘Tell me, what is it about cocaine that makes it so wonderful?’ and he said, ‘Because it intensifies your personality.’ I said, ‘Yes, but what if you’re an asshole?’”
Mitch Hedberg: “An escalator can never break; it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry For The Convenience.”
Stephen Wright: I went to a restaurant with a sign saying OPEN 24 HOURS. They were closed. I told them “The sign says OPEN 24 HOURS.” They said “Not in a ROW.”
Sam Kinnison: “Get your gear, get your shit. We’re gonna make one trip. We’re gonna take you to where the FOOD is!”
Stephen Wright: “The candle factory burned down. A bunch of us stood around and watched, and started to sing: ‘Happy birthday to you…’”
Jim Gaffigan: Now there are vegetarian Hot Pockets for those of us who don’t eat meat but would still like to have explosive diarrhea.
Steve Martin: Here’s a magic trick for those of you all the way in the back in Row ZZZ99–the Vanishing Dime Trick.
George Carlin: Religion has actually convinced people that there’s an invisible man living in the sky, who watches everything you do, every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a special list of ten things he does not want you to do. And if you do any of these ten things, he has a special place, full of fire and smoke and burning and torture and anguish, where he will send you to live and suffer and BURN and CHOKE and SCREAM and CRY forever and ever 'til the end of time! But He loves you. He loves you, and He NEEDS MONEY! He always needs money! He’s all-powerful, all-perfect, all-knowing, and all-wise – somehow just can’t handle money!
Emo Philips: I used to pray for a bicycle every night when I was little. Then I realized God doesn’t work like that. So I stole a bicycle and asked Him to forgive me.
Mitch Hedberg: I think Bigfoot is blurry, that’s the problem. It’s not the photographer’s fault. Bigfoot is blurry, and that’s extra scary to me. There’s a large, out-of-focus monster roaming the countryside. Run, he’s fuzzy, get out of here!
Steven Wright: “I got a new digital camera. It’s really advanced; you don’t even need it.”
Richard Pryor: “The police asked me where I was between four and six. I told him ‘Kindergarten, motherfucker.’”
Bill Cosby: “I said to a guy, ‘Tell me, what is it about cocaine that makes it so wonderful?’ and he said, ‘Because it intensifies your personality.’ I said, ‘Yes, but what if you’re an asshole?’”
Lenny Bruce: “A lot of people say to me, ‘Why did you kill Christ?’ I dunno, it was one of those parties, got out of hand, you know.”
