Bakers Dozen

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41865

In Memory of Keith Emerson, David Bowie, Chris Squire, and other rock legends we’ve recently lost: Progressive rock clichés.

  1. Keyboardist with glitzy, sequin-studded cape.
  2. Spandex clothing.
  3. Spinning drum kit with multiple gongs.
  4. Unconventional hair styles
  5. Album cuts that are ten minutes or longer
  6. Make-up
  7. Album covers featuring naked male butts (to prove how “arty” they are)
  8. Complicated time signatures
  9. Pyrotechnics on stage
  10. Unusual stringed instruments - lutes, balalaikas, 12-string bass guitar, etc.
  11. Unintelligible lyrics filled with unicorns, satyrs, gnomes, fauns, and assorted Tolkienesque creatures
  12. Hockey arenas packed with 19,984 males and 16 girls.
41866

Girls? What is “girls?”

41867

In Memory of Keith Emerson, David Bowie, Chris Squire, and other rock legends we’ve recently lost: Progressive rock clichés.

  1. Keyboardist with glitzy, sequin-studded cape.
  2. Spandex clothing.
  3. Spinning drum kit with multiple gongs.
  4. Unconventional hair styles
  5. Album cuts that are ten minutes or longer
  6. Make-up
  7. Album covers featuring naked male butts (to prove how “arty” they are)
  8. Complicated time signatures
  9. Pyrotechnics on stage
  10. Unusual stringed instruments - lutes, balalaikas, 12-string bass guitar, etc.
  11. Unintelligible lyrics filled with unicorns, satyrs, gnomes, fauns, and assorted Tolkienesque creatures
  12. Hockey arenas packed with 19,984 males and 16 girls.
  13. Fervent fans who think the lyrics hold the secrets of the universe

Next category:

Unlikely results of the Ohio primary election on Tuesday

  1. Donald Trump gets only 27 votes, drops out of the race, apologizes to everyone he’s offended and admits it was all a publicity stunt
41868

Unlikely results of the Ohio primary election on Tuesday

  1. Donald Trump gets only 27 votes, drops out of the race, apologizes to everyone he’s offended and admits it was all a publicity stunt
  2. Everyone watches Mitt Romney’s speech, comes to his senses, and votes for Rubio.
41869

Unlikely results of the Ohio primary election on Tuesday

  1. Donald Trump gets only 27 votes, drops out of the race, apologizes to everyone he’s offended and admits it was all a publicity stunt
  2. Everyone watches Mitt Romney’s speech, comes to his senses, and votes for Rubio.
  3. Trump’s hair levitates off his scalp and summons the mothership.
41870

Unlikely results of the Ohio primary election on Tuesday

  1. Donald Trump gets only 27 votes, drops out of the race, apologizes to everyone he’s offended and admits it was all a publicity stunt
  2. Everyone watches Mitt Romney’s speech, comes to his senses, and votes for Rubio.
  3. Trump’s hair levitates off his scalp and summons the mothership.
  4. Hillary shows up at Bernie’s victory speech and French-kisses him.
41871

Unlikely results of the Ohio primary election on Tuesday

  1. Donald Trump gets only 27 votes, drops out of the race, apologizes to everyone he’s offended and admits it was all a publicity stunt
  2. Everyone watches Mitt Romney’s speech, comes to his senses, and votes for Rubio.
  3. Trump’s hair levitates off his scalp and summons the mothership.
  4. Hillary shows up at Bernie’s victory speech and French-kisses him.
  5. Somebody accidentally runs an old program and George W. Bush wins the state.
41872

Unlikely results of the Ohio primary election on Tuesday

  1. Donald Trump gets only 27 votes, drops out of the race, apologizes to everyone he’s offended and admits it was all a publicity stunt
  2. Everyone watches Mitt Romney’s speech, comes to his senses, and votes for Rubio.
  3. Trump’s hair levitates off his scalp and summons the mothership.
  4. Hillary shows up at Bernie’s victory speech and French-kisses him.
  5. Somebody accidentally runs an old program and George W. Bush wins the state.
  6. Bernie Sanders declares that Hillary fantasizes about being raped by him.
41873

Unlikely results of the Ohio primary election on Tuesday

  1. Donald Trump gets only 27 votes, drops out of the race, apologizes to everyone he’s offended and admits it was all a publicity stunt
  2. Everyone watches Mitt Romney’s speech, comes to his senses, and votes for Rubio.
  3. Trump’s hair levitates off his scalp and summons the mothership.
  4. Hillary shows up at Bernie’s victory speech and French-kisses him.
  5. Somebody accidentally runs an old program and George W. Bush wins the state.
  6. Bernie Sanders declares that Hillary fantasizes about being raped by him.
  7. Disgusted by all the candidates, nobody voted.
41874

Unlikely results of the Ohio primary election on Tuesday

  1. Donald Trump gets only 27 votes, drops out of the race, apologizes to everyone he’s offended and admits it was all a publicity stunt
  2. Everyone watches Mitt Romney’s speech, comes to his senses, and votes for Rubio.
  3. Trump’s hair levitates off his scalp and summons the mothership.
  4. Hillary shows up at Bernie’s victory speech and French-kisses him.
  5. Somebody accidentally runs an old program and George W. Bush wins the state.
  6. Bernie Sanders declares that Hillary fantasizes about being raped by him.
  7. Disgusted by all the candidates, nobody voted.
  8. Somehow, some way, all of the candidates tell the truth.
41875

Unlikely results of the Ohio primary election on Tuesday

  1. Donald Trump gets only 27 votes, drops out of the race, apologizes to everyone he’s offended and admits it was all a publicity stunt
  2. Everyone watches Mitt Romney’s speech, comes to his senses, and votes for Rubio.
  3. Trump’s hair levitates off his scalp and summons the mothership.
  4. Hillary shows up at Bernie’s victory speech and French-kisses him.
  5. Somebody accidentally runs an old program and George W. Bush wins the state.
  6. Bernie Sanders declares that Hillary fantasizes about being raped by him.
  7. Disgusted by all the candidates, nobody voted.
  8. Somehow, some way, all of the candidates tell the truth
  9. Ted Cruz announces his last-minute endorsement by the ghost of Joe McCarthy.
41876

Unlikely results of the Ohio primary election on Tuesday

  1. Donald Trump gets only 27 votes, drops out of the race, apologizes to everyone he’s offended and admits it was all a publicity stunt
  2. Everyone watches Mitt Romney’s speech, comes to his senses, and votes for Rubio.
  3. Trump’s hair levitates off his scalp and summons the mothership.
  4. Hillary shows up at Bernie’s victory speech and French-kisses him.
  5. Somebody accidentally runs an old program and George W. Bush wins the state.
  6. Bernie Sanders declares that Hillary fantasizes about being raped by him.
  7. Disgusted by all the candidates, nobody voted.
  8. Somehow, some way, all of the candidates tell the truth
  9. Ted Cruz announces his last-minute endorsement by the ghost of Joe McCarthy.
  10. Trump’s toupee falls of and reveals face of Hitler residing on back of his head ala Voldemort. Still wins Ohio.
41877

Unlikely results of the Ohio primary election on Tuesday

  1. Donald Trump gets only 27 votes, drops out of the race, apologizes to everyone he’s offended and admits it was all a publicity stunt
  2. Everyone watches Mitt Romney’s speech, comes to his senses, and votes for Rubio.
  3. Trump’s hair levitates off his scalp and summons the mothership.
  4. Hillary shows up at Bernie’s victory speech and French-kisses him.
  5. Somebody accidentally runs an old program and George W. Bush wins the state.
  6. Bernie Sanders declares that Hillary fantasizes about being raped by him.
  7. Disgusted by all the candidates, nobody voted.
  8. Somehow, some way, all of the candidates tell the truth
  9. Ted Cruz announces his last-minute endorsement by the ghost of Joe McCarthy.
  10. Trump’s toupee falls of and reveals face of Hitler residing on back of his head ala Voldemort. Still wins Ohio.
  11. Ohio votes to rename the state “Trump”.
41878

Unlikely results of the Ohio primary election on Tuesday

  1. Donald Trump gets only 27 votes, drops out of the race, apologizes to everyone he’s offended and admits it was all a publicity stunt
  2. Everyone watches Mitt Romney’s speech, comes to his senses, and votes for Rubio.
  3. Trump’s hair levitates off his scalp and summons the mothership.
  4. Hillary shows up at Bernie’s victory speech and French-kisses him.
  5. Somebody accidentally runs an old program and George W. Bush wins the state.
  6. Bernie Sanders declares that Hillary fantasizes about being raped by him.
  7. Disgusted by all the candidates, nobody voted.
  8. Somehow, some way, all of the candidates tell the truth
  9. Ted Cruz announces his last-minute endorsement by the ghost of Joe McCarthy.
  10. Trump’s toupee falls of and reveals face of Hitler residing on back of his head ala Voldemort. Still wins Ohio.
  11. Ohio votes to rename the state “Trump”.
  12. All the Democrats write in “Porky Pig” as a joke, and Porky wins
41879

Unlikely results of the Ohio primary election on Tuesday

  1. Donald Trump gets only 27 votes, drops out of the race, apologizes to everyone he’s offended and admits it was all a publicity stunt
  2. Everyone watches Mitt Romney’s speech, comes to his senses, and votes for Rubio.
  3. Trump’s hair levitates off his scalp and summons the mothership.
  4. Hillary shows up at Bernie’s victory speech and French-kisses him.
  5. Somebody accidentally runs an old program and George W. Bush wins the state.
  6. Bernie Sanders declares that Hillary fantasizes about being raped by him.
  7. Disgusted by all the candidates, nobody voted.
  8. Somehow, some way, all of the candidates tell the truth
  9. Ted Cruz announces his last-minute endorsement by the ghost of Joe McCarthy.
  10. Trump’s toupee falls of and reveals face of Hitler residing on back of his head ala Voldemort. Still wins Ohio.
  11. Ohio votes to rename the state “Trump”.
  12. All the Democrats write in “Porky Pig” as a joke, and Porky wins
  13. Major breaking news: “Trump Steaks Is People!” Still wins Ohio
    Next up:

Major changes that probably won’t be seen on this season’s Game of Thrones

  1. Reba McEntire joins the cast as sassy mountain woman Catsuppa Gravy and sings the show’s new theme song, “A Way Down East in Westeros”
41880

Major changes that probably won’t be seen on this season’s Game of Thrones

  1. Reba McEntire joins the cast as sassy mountain woman Catsuppa Gravy and sings the show’s new theme song, “A Way Down East in Westeros”
  2. Plot elements taken from the published sixth and seventh volumes
41881

Major changes that probably won’t be seen on this season’s Game of Thrones

  1. Reba McEntire joins the cast as sassy mountain woman Catsuppa Gravy and sings the show’s new theme song, “A Way Down East in Westeros”
  2. Plot elements taken from the published sixth and seventh volumes
  3. Tyrion Lannister becomes a monk.
41882

Major changes that probably won’t be seen on this season’s Game of Thrones

  1. Reba McEntire joins the cast as sassy mountain woman Catsuppa Gravy and sings the show’s new theme song, “A Way Down East in Westeros”
  2. Plot elements taken from the published sixth and seventh volumes
  3. Tyrion Lannister becomes a monk.
  4. After becoming a monk Tyrion Lannister falls for a very clingy princess (Sarah Silverman)
41883

Major changes that probably won’t be seen on this season’s Game of Thrones

  1. Reba McEntire joins the cast as sassy mountain woman Catsuppa Gravy and sings the show’s new theme song, “A Way Down East in Westeros”
  2. Plot elements taken from the published sixth and seventh volumes
  3. Tyrion Lannister becomes a monk.
  4. After becoming a monk Tyrion Lannister falls for a very clingy princess (Sarah Silverman)
  5. Olenna Tyrell starts getting naked every week.
41884

Major changes that probably won’t be seen on this season’s Game of Thrones

  1. Reba McEntire joins the cast as sassy mountain woman Catsuppa Gravy and sings the show’s new theme song, “A Way Down East in Westeros”
  2. Plot elements taken from the published sixth and seventh volumes
  3. Tyrion Lannister becomes a monk.
  4. After becoming a monk Tyrion Lannister falls for a very clingy princess (Sarah Silverman)
  5. Olenna Tyrell starts getting naked every week.
  6. New catchphrase: “You know everything, Jon Snow.”