The thread about putting your favorite musicians together in a band got me to thinking about a discussion during a night of drinking back in college, where we attempted to put together a band with the biggest asshole we could think of on each instrument. The idea was that the band would instantly implode due to ego conflicts.
If memory serves correctly, the lineup we came up with was:
Lead guitar - Frank Zappa
Rhythm guitar - John Lennon
Bass - Roger Waters
Keyboards - Tony Banks (of Genesis)
Drums - Don Henley
I don’t think we picked a vocalist since most of the band could handle that as well.
A letter, addressed “To the world’s greatest drummer”, arrives at the home of Louie Bellson. He takes one look at it, and says, “well, this is obviously not for me”, and forwards it to Gene Krupa. Krupa also takes one look at it, and also says, “well, this is obviously not for me”, and he forwards it as well.
The letter makes the rounds of famous drummers’ homes, until it finally winds up at the home of Buddy Rich. He takes one look at it, and says, “well, this is obviously for me”, rips it open, and reads:
You already get a head start if you go with Steely Dan. Everything I’ve read indicates that Becker and Fagin were the only ones who could stand each other, and sometimes not even each other. (Becker’s widow and Fagin are currently suing each other). Everyone else quit to join the Doobie Brothers or Toto.
Bonus: Chevy Chase, who played drums in an earlier band with Becker and Fagin, is also famously an asshole.
A horn player who had been playing with Buddy Rich for many years came back from vacation to hear a rumour that Buddy had died. He didn’t quite believe it, so he phoned Buddy’s wife and said “Can I speak to Buddy please?” Buddy’s wife said, “I’m sorry, Buddy passed away last week.” “Oh, I’m sorry to hear that,” he said, and hung up.
A couple of hours later, he called her again. “Is Buddy there please?” “No, I’m sorry. Buddy’s no longer with us,” said Buddy’s wife. And hung up the phone. Ten minuted later, he called Buddy’s wife again. “Can I speak to Buddy please?” he said. She recognised his voice, and said: “Look, I’ve told you before, BUDDY’S DEAD!” And slammed down the phone.
Two minutes later, and the phone rang again… “Is Buddy at home please?” the horn player asked. Buddy’s wife was furious. “I’m not going to tell you again, Buddy is dead… D. E. A. D. DEAD. Why do you keep ringing me to ask for Buddy!!!” He thought for a moment, and said: “I just love hearing you say it.”
Lou Reed must be on lead vocals and rhythm guitar. Maybe add him to Shoeless’ band of assholes. But no way this band plays without Lou, and he will make the rest of the band his bitches in no time.
Actually we’ve have to swap out Stan Polley of Badfinger infamy as manager and make Morris Levy the label owner. Although to be honest, the list of managers who aren’t sleazy/corrupt/incompetent is pretty small.