Um, guys…I think the words “nefarious henchmen” in the OP might be a little tip-off that we’re being whooshed here. 
I vote for “really bad at sarcasm.” See, usually, sarcasm is recognizable because it’s set against a pre-established background of some sort. And your OP kind of appeared out of a vacuum.
FTR, I’ve hated Barry Bonds since he was four years old.
Barry Bonds never flushes the toilet.
And he leaves the seat up.
[QUOTE=AskNott]
Many baseballs are instinctively repelled by Barry Bonds. That’s why he gets so many walks.
[/QUOTE]
They aren’t repelled. They’re afraid that if they get too close to him, they’ll atrophy.
[QUOTE=Diomedes]
Did anyone really take the OP seriously that Bonds sold drugs?
[/QUOTE]
I wouldn’t take the fact seriously, but I admit I did take the accusation seriously. Even though I can see this is a parody now, it’s really not that far off from what people do say about Bonds.
[QUOTE=OneCentStamp]
They aren’t repelled. They’re afraid that if they get too close to him, they’ll atrophy.
[/QUOTE]
Just makes 'em harder to hit.
.
[QUOTE=OneCentStamp]
Um, guys…I think the words “nefarious henchmen” in the OP might be a little tip-off that we’re being whooshed here. 
[/QUOTE]
That was the only bit that rang true to me… doesn’t he have a squad of guys wearing matching shirts saying “Goons” on them to tote his steroids and break the knuckles of pitchers who walk him?
[QUOTE=Diomedes]
That was the only bit that rang true to me… doesn’t he have a squad of guys wearing matching shirts saying “Goons” on them to tote his steroids and break the knuckles of pitchers who walk him?
[/QUOTE]
Also one to carry his [del]riot gear[/del] elbow guard. Heh…matching goons. Now I’m picturing an episode of the 60s Batman TV show. POW! BIFF! ZING!
Wait—why would rock-and-roll singer Barry U. S. Bonds need steroids, anyway?
[QUOTE=Thudlow Boink]
Wait—why would rock-and-roll singer Barry U. S. Bonds need steroids, anyway?
[/QUOTE]
High notes? Really high notes.