Um, guys…I think the words “nefarious henchmen” in the OP might be a little tip-off that we’re being whooshed here. 
I vote for “really bad at sarcasm.” See, usually, sarcasm is recognizable because it’s set against a pre-established background of some sort. And your OP kind of appeared out of a vacuum.
FTR, I’ve hated Barry Bonds since he was four years old.
Barry Bonds never flushes the toilet.
And he leaves the seat up.
They aren’t repelled. They’re afraid that if they get too close to him, they’ll atrophy.
I wouldn’t take the fact seriously, but I admit I did take the accusation seriously. Even though I can see this is a parody now, it’s really not that far off from what people do say about Bonds.
Just makes 'em harder to hit.
.
That was the only bit that rang true to me… doesn’t he have a squad of guys wearing matching shirts saying “Goons” on them to tote his steroids and break the knuckles of pitchers who walk him?
Also one to carry his [del]riot gear[/del] elbow guard. Heh…matching goons. Now I’m picturing an episode of the 60s Batman TV show. POW! BIFF! ZING!
Wait—why would rock-and-roll singer Barry U. S. Bonds need steroids, anyway?
High notes? Really high notes.