Ah, my old nemesis, we meet again. At last, you provide me with a challenge. (Actually, you got me beat with one of 'em, but I can dismantle most of the rest! )
And on that one, you fell into my trap-If you get to pick an egotistical T-Bolt, I get to pick which version of Batman–and I choose the “grandpa” Bats from one of the late '50s future-stories where Robin is the new Batman (only in this one, Robin’s about to retire and Bruce Jr is the new Batman with Robin’s kid becoming the new Robin). Grandpa Bats is about as effective as Grandpa Simpson, is wheelchair bound, has a beard that goes down to his knees and is also vaguely senile (and he’s the comedy relief). Even egotistical T-Bolt wins. Hell, against this Batman, Johnny wins! And even if you do figure out a way for a senile, wheelchair bound Batman to win, I’ll simply pick again and choose “Batboy and Ruben” from Mad Comics #5 (or so).
He only lives in the pen after Johnny gave him to Jakeem. I already chose the pre-Crisis T-Bolt. No pen.
Now this one is not only fucking brilliant, it echos the “how do I get rid of Myztxptlk?” motif from the Superman books (and I think Superman used that stunt once–albiet with a wire-recorder) Thus, even if I could weasel out, the power of tradition is on your side. I concede this one and doff my hat to you. Well done!
Mmmm…maybe—this one’s a coin-flip. Either the T-Bolt says “So what–good enuff for me, and besides, I don’t care how your calender converts it, the Badhnesian calender’s what I’m concerned about.” and then turns Batman into a Creamsicle[sup]tm[/sup] OR he vanishes in a puff of logic.
Nope. A) The T-Bolt is an energy being. I doubt he has eardrums. B) If you get to pull the “Elseworlds” gimmick, so do I and the T-Bolt pulls out working Infinity Gauntets, a cosmic cube, The Shaper Of Worlds AND Kubik and an ultimate nullifier. To start.
My worthy adversary – it has been too long. What larks, eh, Fenris? What larks.
I should be glad you didn’t just invent a Batman to fight, like, I dunno. Rick James Batman.
The mere existence of Grandpa Batman is a strong argument why elderly superheroes should be euthanized.
But you seriously underestimate Batboy and Rubin. The MAD Batboy isn’t just some flurshlugginer superhero. He’s a VAMPIRE Batboy! Therefore functionally immortal, with inhuman strength, shapeshifting abilities and hypnotic powers – and the ability to withstand sunlight. You need to pick someone more ineffectual like the “mod” sideburns-sporting Son of Batman.
Oh, yeah. Uh… but… um… er… eh… shit.
Let’s just move on.
Glad you liked it. Confession: The “get lost” quote was stolen from an episode of the 1980s TWILIGHT ZONE where THE JEFFERSONS Sherman Helmsley saves the Earth from a mavolent genie played by BARNEY MILLER’s Ron Glass in the manner I described here. I agree the solution is pretty brilliant to what was at best a goofy episode, which is why I’ve remembered it all these years.
Clearly I’m hoping for the second option. See, Johnny Thunder was kidnapped by Bagheisna agents, and it’s my supposition that the agents screwed up and picked the wrong person. Because July 7, 1917 at 7am is not the seventh hour of the seventh day of the seventh month of 1917 even under the standards of the Gregorian calendar. Why? Batman would point out that 1917 is the first year after the official commencement of Daylight Savings Time and that any child born on the seventh hour in July would really be born an hour earlier than what the clock says, and because of the Julian and Gregorian calendar differences, more than a full week off from whatever day it would have been under the Julian calendar. I’m only presupposing the existence of a Baghensian calendar which would probably make the time differences even more striking. Really, this is so logical Cecil would agree.
Don’t “nope” me. If he’s got ears, and he can hear audible commands, he’s got eardrums, or somethng very close, which damn well should be affected by sonics – at least in the short term.
Anyway, I see your weapons and counter them with a patron’s card to the Library of Dreams, a Moebius Chair, Thor’s hammer Mjolnir, a Green Lantern ring powered by a pre-yellow impurity main Oan battery, Black Panther’s Galactus Contingency Plans, and a Monterey Jack grilled cheese sandwich on honey oat bread, cut perpendicular and served with fresh squeezed scuppernog juice and a nice bowl of three bean chili. Hurry up! I’m Rick James Batman, bitch.
Not necessarily. There is a real device called a laser microphone, which bounces a laser off of objects and analyzes the object’s vibrations with a computer, thus reconstructing the sound waves that created the vibrations in the first place. So an energy being could perceive sound in this way, thus rendering sonic weapons useless against it.
Couple nitpicks. Robin says that he thinks there will be no superheroes, Batman himself calls this “supposition not deduction”, it’s only a theory. He thinks this because the star that Krypton orbited didn’t exist and there wasn’t any heroic literature.
Also, the Bruce Wayne of that world became Batman because of his gratitutde for the masked figure that saved his parents. Not from reading Robin Hood because, as Robin said earlier in the story, that world had no Robin Hood.
Oh and since magic in the DCU is based on symbolism, not fact (as said in Books of Magic), it doesn’t matter if the Gregorian calender is arbitrary or not.
Hmmm. “useless” is probably a stretch. Even if the sonic weapon doesn’t induce pain and disorientation, it should prevent the energy being from “hearing” the vocal commands direct to it unless there was another mechanism in place to filter out different sounds.
As magician/scribe/mad genius Alan Moore pointed out in an early issue of PROMETHEA, deconstruction is the sword that cuts through the symbolic bullshit. It’s rather an effective tool that;s useful in science and magic.
The full definition of Johnny Thunder’s birthright is the “seventh son of a seventh son born of the seventh hour of the seventh month of the seventh day of the year that ends in seven.” The more you challenge the symbolic validity of those conditions to the sentient thunderbolt using cold logic, the more apt you are to win simply by arguing your viewpoint. There is a loooOng tradition of doing this actually working in comics books and literature. Ask Superman about defeating Mr. Myxlptlk. Ask Dr. Susan Calvin about RB-34.
I’ve already debunked the “seventh day” by pointing out the missing week of the Gregorian calendar in the seixteenth century would throw off the dates in 1917. Well, it turns out it’s the wrong month too – in antiquity, the “seventh month” of the Julian calendar was September, not our current month of July. Whatever the Baghensian calendar was, it probably didn’t align with that, either.
Daylight Savings Time is a manmade time construct outside the Gregorian timetable. It was first enacted in 1916 – and I doubt the Badhensians accounted for that when they kidnapped Johnny Thunder. If they kidnapped Johnny because he was born at 7am, too bad. It was really only 6am because Daylight Savings Time pushes the clock up an hour. They should have kidnapped a child born at 8am.
Also, the “seventh son of a seventh son” thing could bear a closer look – all it takes is one stillbirth, female birth, miscarriage or childhood death to throw off the birth order of the surviving children. In the 13 births preceding Johnny Thunder’s over two generations across the late 19 century, that’s rather likely someone would have died.
Still, Odinoneeye, there is a chance that this won’t work. Writer Warren Ellis described things working despite inaccurate facts as “consensus reality” re: the death of Jenny Sparks at the ‘end’ of the millennium on December 31, 1999. But then again, with all those other wrong dates, maybe not. Batman would succeed if he used this gambit: he’s awfully more persuasive than I.
)
And even if you do figure out a way for a senile, wheelchair bound Batman to win, I’ll simply pick again and choose “Batboy and Ruben” from Mad Comics #5 (or so).