The usual space-time anomaly has landed two of the NCIS team – **Ziva David **(Mossad trained assassin, improbable American federal agent) and her soulmate, Tony DiNozzo (loveable jerkass, bastard son of Remington Steele) in a fairy-tale version of ancient Greece. Trying to figure out a way home, they run across Gabrielle (emotionally manipulative, and extremely battling bard) and her soulmate, Xena (brooding, sexually polymorphous mass murderer seeking atonement).
At one point the quartet is separated; Z & X go off to kill something, leaving their less-capable sidekicks in a tavern. Through the machinations of Ares (god of war, rival of Hercules, and, let’s be honest, probably the warrior princess’ father, no matter what redneck implications ;)), a quarrel breaks out between the bard and the detective, and Gabrielle accidentally kills him.
Just then Ziva comes onto the scene. Seeing Gabby remove a sai from Tony’s neck, she reacts murderously. Xena enters just in time to hear the bard’s neck snap. She’s even less rational under such circumstances than Ziva. The fight’s on.
Who wins? And of course show your work. Non-ridiculous answers will be mocked brutally. Unless I don’t feel like it. There’s no telling.
Xena would smite her upon the tavern floor for three reasons:
1.) She’s XENA. Lelelelelelelele!
2.) That bitch killed Gabrielle!
3.) I don’t know who the hell Ziva is.
This picture is not typical of Ziva, as she spends most of her time showing less skin and doing more torturing. But I thought you’d appreciate it more.
Oh, please. Gabrielle and Xena get killed all the time. Buffy Summers would, upon meeting them, say, “Look, girls, just make a COMMITMENT, okay? Dead or alive. Also if you could pick a specific metaphysical system that would be great.”
Actually, I think you’re on to something: Gabrielle is too hot to die. So in your hypothetical Xena and Gabrielle would simply tag team Ziva using the power of love and either kill her and then have steamy lesbian sex or spare her and have a steamy lesbian threeway. And then kill her.
Thanks for that theory. I’m glad that you love Gabrielle as much as I do.
I voted for Xena, because Ziva is obviously an Iranian mole. No Israeli woman born after 1940 would ever be named “Ziva” - it’s the Hebrew version of Florence or Gertrude.
“Ziva” (spelled slightly differntly) is also Hebrew for gonorrhea, which may help explain the name’s current lack of popularity.
I don’t watch *NCIS *and don’t know who Ziva is. Presumably she’s some U.S. Navy crime-fighting counterpart to the warrior pricess and is at least somewhat hot. If so, I’ll go with the hot tub scene. Hopefully this won’t lead to some quasi-mythological sea creature emerging from the bubbles and steam to interupt the scene before its, um, climax.
I opted for the hot tub as well. Obviously Xena will mash Ziva into paste in less than 3 seconds. Using a sugar spoon and a swizzle stick.
But you really should include a shot of Ares for the ladies. And gentlemen who swing that way. And what the Hades, for the rest of us as well. Dude was smokin’!
Including a shot of Ares only reminds us that Kevin Smith (the actor, not the writer) died too soon.
Anyway … Ziva MIGHT survive, if Xena doesn’t know about guns yet – no, wait, the OP says that she saw Gabrielle bite it. I expect that the Warrior Princess can chop Ziva’s hand off with the chakrum before she can react. For Ziva that is probably the best way this scenario ends.
Xena was much an anti-theist. The only gods she liked or respected were the Fates (maybe) and the One God of Israelites; and it’s pretty clear she thought the world was better off without any gods.
And she MURDERED her Athena.
:mad:
Not that that was really Athena. But the impudence is still disheartening.
I’m calling on Mary Sue to kick both Xena and Ziva, bring Gabby and whatshisname back to life, and everybody just loving her for every little thing she does.
I’m confused. What super powers does Xena have? I watched almost the entire run, and I don’t remember any inherent superpowers. Sure, she had a dagger that could kill the gods, and way too many pheonix downs, but her skills seemed to be entirely human, even if at Batman-like training levels.
In fact, it bugged me a lot in the beginning when she would get the same effects as Hercules, who does have superpowers.
