Be my psychologist here a moment!

In My Humble Opinion
1

Are you familiar with the concept of invalidation?

This book by Jay Carter

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0071410228/qid=1076477189//ref=sr_8_xs_ap_i3_xgl14/102-4092498-4683356?v=glance&s=books&n=507846

really gave me some insight when I read it a few years back. Basically, invalidation is when people tell you (directly or in many indirect ways) that you are not worthy of being, your opinions are not worthy of expression, etc.

Yesterday I had a guy in the company (another foreigner like me in Japan, but much older) sit me down and really go at me. He said that when I come in a room I make sure that everyone knows that I am the smartest, the most capable, etc. etc. He was really mad!

Now, through a combination of Dale Carnegie and just plain ol’ patience and human decency, I was able to keep this whole thing from getting nasty.

Now, here’s some background about me before I ask you the questions. I HAVE read Dale Carnegie and numerous books about how to get along with people, be liked, etc. Although I don’t think I possess alpha-male charisma or magnetism, I do, for the most part, avoid conflicts with others, have decent friends, etc.

At the same time, I really care about other people. I’m a good listener. People will open up to me about anything and tell me their secrets–which is fine for them, since I never would reveal them. I make tea for people at work, listen to their stories and problems, and am generally what might be considered a “nice guy.”

BUT, I do, now and then, get the speech I got from this guy (i.e., You’re an arrogant bastard and people don’t like you–a rather complete invalidation). I have always, since I was a little kid, rubbed some people really right and others really wrong. For example, some teachers loved me, because I was smart and clever, and other teachers despised me for the same reasons.

Sometimes it seems that I have a sign on my back that reads, “Try to start something–you’ll win.” Then someone will go on the attack. The thing is, they almost never DO win.

I also seem to have this ability to charm people at first–but I can’t necessarily hold onto the charm.

So, I know you don’t really know me, but for the moment please consider the above the truth. Now, use your own knowledge of life and psychology to help me answer the following:

  1. It always seems that I’m held to a higher standard than others. Other people seem to say and do jerky things and get off scott free, whereas I have to walk on eggshells just to stay even. Does everyone feel this way, or do are some people just naturally able to get away with more?

  2. OK, I’m intelligent. One theory is that my intellect “intimidates people.” Do some of you smart people get this too–insecure people thinking you arrogant just because you’re not willing to play dumb? Or is this unlikely to be the cause of my “problem.”

  3. Do I actually HAVE a problem? Considering that I have a genuinely nice heart and a will to get along with others and not put them down, is this periodic speech just par for the course? Does everyone run into this kind of invalidation in one form or another, or am I actually getting it more than others (whether deserving it or not)?

  4. How does one know whether he/she is likeable or not? I mean, if there is something about me that sets others on edge, I’d like to know. When I’ve gotten the “speech,” the speechifiers seem unable to come up with much that’s concrete. How do I get a grip on what’s what?

Thanks for your help. This stuff is really bugging me!

2

You seem a little codependent.

I know you’ll take this with a grain of salt since you’re just asking for the regular joe to be your psychologist.

It’s good to avoid unnecessary conflict. But if you feel like you have a sign on your back that says you’re a soft touch, and if you feel like avoiding conflict is a building block of getting along, then maybe you are avoiding conflict too much.

Not everyone feels they have to walk on eggshells just to be liked. I used to think I had to walk on eggshells to be liked too.

It’s very hard to know whether you are likable when you are very much wanting to be liked. It’s easier to figure out when you forget about whether anyone likes you. But that’s hard. I kind of went through this and the way you describe yourself sounds like the way I would have described myself a few years ago. One day I realized that what I really believed was that if I had conflicts, if I did not walk on eggshells, if I was not always there to listen to people, that they would not accept or like me. The realization made me so angry that I decided to test everyone. Overnight I started to speak my mind. If someone wanted to talk about themselves to me without caring how I was, I would say I gotta go and hang up. Very fast, I had no friends. People got angry with me. I got angry back. I realized that there are lots of things I like about myself and that if someone doesn’t like me, there’s just nothing I can do about it and no reason why I should because I’m as good a person as I can be. Some things about me are likeable, some things are not, and that’s just how it goes, you can’t please all the people all the time.

It sounds like you believe that if you try hard enough, you CAN please all the people all the time. Which is probably why you get the arrogance speech once in a while. It rubs some people the wrong way. However, that is not the end of the world. If I were in your shoes I would think about that idea, that maybe you do NOT have to walk on eggshells.

3

Nope, very helpful analysis. I thank you for your input.

4

I think it would be hard to comment in depth because we don’t know you, the situations you are in when this sort of thing happens, or anything about the other people you interact with. That said… :wink:

Someone once told me that when you are up against someone that treats you in what can be perceived to be a very negative manner, what they are actually doing is not attacking you personally (although it sure feels like it) but they are simply projecting all of their preconceptions and insecurities about themselves, onto you. So, in the situation that you mentioned above, it could be that your coworker dislikes the fact that he is maybe not as confident as you appear to be, or as at ease, or yes, even as smart, or even how you interact with others. Also, you have to factor in the age difference - some people believe they should command a certain respect simply because of their age, and of course, we know that’s not always the case: respect has to be earned. Usually. I think the fact you were able to remain calm in what sounds quite an unpleasant situation, says quite a bit about you?

I think anyone can come across as arrogant. Also, I think that smart people can analyse the smallest thing inside out and maybe see conflict when none is intended. How much do you value this coworker’s opinion of you? How close does it mesh with what other people have said about you, with what you think about yourself? Sometimes, I think you just have to accept that you are not going to get on with everyone all of the time; it would be a little dull if that were case, no? :wink:

You could always face him head on and ask why he said what he did? Perhaps he had a horrendous day and you just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time? Who knows.

5

  1. Yes. a combination of their personality and our expectations of them. E.g. there are two people in my office who regularly get away with difficult or jerkish behaviour. One because she’s popular, good company and nice at a superficial level. the other because he’s always been something of a jerk. We got used to cutting him slack 'cos he was immature, or new or whatever. Now we put up with it because we know he’ll never change (invalidation wouldn’t work on this guy!)

  2. Some people are irritated or intimidated by intellect, sure. Most people aren’t, I think, unless you insist on demonstrating how clever you are. That can get to anybody; intellectual equivalents, superiors or inferiors. Do people feel you’re showing how smart you are their expense?

  3. Only if you perceive it to be one. If generally, everything is fine, you have the friends you want, get along fine at work etc, then you probably don’t. Is the other guy speaking on behalf of everyone? Again an example from my own experience. Students are allowed to give anonymous feedback on the units they take. They are not forced to give feedback. Consequently feedback reported is usually negative, and when closely examined, usually comes from one or two indivduals (and we can usually guess who). However it gives the impression no one has anything good to say and that the comments are general to the whole class. This is disheartening until you dig deeper and realise only one or two people have a problem with what you are doing.

  4. You can only surmise if you are likeable from how people react to you. This is not the same of counting how many friends you appear to have - that is affected by many other factors. If people are happy to stop and talk to you, or are in no hurry to leave your company, that’s a tick, I’d say. If they are willing to help you out when you need them, there’s another tick. Confiding in you is generally another tick, and so on. But of course it’s much more complex than that. Someone could tick all the boxes and there might still be something about them that you can’t warm to.

My overall impression from what you’ve said is that you’re a smart guy, who likes other people to know it (are you seeking some validation ? :wink: ) - I’ve met a few of those. I’d say relax. There’s no need to act dumb, nor is there any need to treat every task or conversation as some sort of challenge. Fighting ignorance is good, but the way in which it is done is as important.

6

If you walk on eggshells to make friends you will end up with friends who like you for your omelettes.

7

Thanks all, for the comments thus far!

8

Sounds like this guy has issues; this advice is simply stupid. Sometimes it is better to let people think they’re smarter, etc., to draw them out for the kill, or just because feigning inferiority can garner cooperation that will bring you greater rewards than conflict. Next time this guy gives this speech, ask him if he has heard of Pyrrhus of Epirus and if he doesn’t know the name, then say, “Read a fucking history book, asshole,” and walk away. Unless you are a subordinate, in which case you say, “Respectfully, read a fucking history book, boss.”

There is nothing wrong with letting people think you’re soft as long as you get what you want/need and aren’t taken advantage of. You may be uncomfortable with conflict, but you can still use seduction–with the added advantage of leaving people feeling good instead of feeling vanquished.

I’d recommend Baltazar Gracian’s The Art of Worldly Wisdom along with Sun Tzu’s Art of War. Also, Thinking Strategically is very good.

Of course, it is a different culture: YMMV.

9

I think that the guy that confronted you was severly insecure and was projecting his insecurities on to you. Since he did not possess those qualities and sees them as desirable, maybe he feels threatened and wants to knock you down to his size. For these kinds of things - get up and walk away or just nod and say “I’m sorry you feel that way”.

However - from your post - I get the feeling that you are acting as a “victim” of something here. The truth is, not everyone is going to like/respect you all of the time. It’s a universal truth. Whether you are “too smart” or “too dumb”, people will find something they don’t like about you. Walking on eggshells will only worsen the problem (one extreme) as will trying to defend your “ways” (hey, I’m a smart, nice, loyal, etc… guy, which is the other extreme). Just be you (very cliche I know) but don’t give people a lot of BS or explanations for who you are. If you do tend to be smarter then the people you work with as well, maybe avoid quoting philosphers and really obscure facts and figures, that will make anyone disappear quickly.
Anyway - it’s hard to say without actually meeting you, but you sound like a nice person. Don’t waste all of your time wondering why other people are doing what they are doing, either. Believe it or not, people have their own lives and worries - I doubt much of their time is consumed thinking about you (I mean this is a good way).

10

Thanks again for your continued insights!

11

If you try to please everyone, you’ll end up pleasing no one, including yourself. My wife has a very hard time understand this idea, and is insecure as hell.

With the caveat that you’re not out to screw over someone else, the only person you have to please is yourself. I would have told the guy who sat you down to go pound sand.